Losing husband

Hi -my husband of 46 years collapsed after an afternoon out with our dog and a trip to Macdonalds -he had is leg amputated above the knee because of a clot blocking his circulation-so he was wheelchair bound -I know he really struggled with only one leg but he was so brave he never complained- after we came home he ask me to rub his back as he was feeling a bit short of breath and as I did this I noticed he felt really hot and his chest was bubbly and I thought this isnt right but then he asked me to get him on the commode really quickly so I did and I went into the next room to wait for him to use it and when he didn’t call me to say he had finished I found him lying face down on the carpet with his head stuck between the wheels of his wheelchair -he wasn’t answering me when I spoke to him so I dialled 999 and the operator told me to get him on his back but he was too heavy for me so I ran to get my neighbours to help but when they rolled him on his back his head was navy blue -I started cpr and by that time the emergency services had come and tried for over 2 hours to resuscitate him but it was useless -I just can’t believe he has gone -my heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest -I feel like I have been cut adrift-when they came with hearse and his coffin the day of his funeral I ran back indoors sobbing -but I managed to get through the funeral but I feel like I’m living in a nightmare -I had to give my job up to look after him and I always had plenty to do caring for him -but now he has gone -I just don’t know what to do -it’s hard when u are over 70 to start afresh

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@PammyJane
Sending you sincere condolences.
There are no adequate words that will help you deal with this and no promises that it will “get better” but everyone on here will understand the pain and grief you feel because we are all in a similar place.
My husband has been gone 7 months now and I still can’t believe he won’t walk through the door and ask me to make a brew.
I have found though that it helps a bit to put down my thoughts, fears and sadness on this community because I know that people on here share those feelings and provide support to each other.

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Pàmmyjane,
So very sorry for your loss take care,
I lost my husband October 2022 he had a cardiac arrest whilst driving,he was recused
But passed away 2 hours later,

Life is a struggle without our loved ones,
But everyone on this forum are very
Supportive and friendly ,
Big hugs
Take care
Sue x

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@PammyJane so sorry to hear this .

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. It’s 5 weeks tomorrow since I lost my ‘healthy’ always busy husband suddenly . He got up as normal and carried out his normal routine. My son remembers him taking is morning cuppa In at 7.20am and said he was awake after that but never heard anything . I had slept in slightly as my mum was in hospital so had been a long night in A&E and back and forth. I woke up and suddenly thought , I don’t remember him kissing me goodbye ( he always did) and I didn’t hear him shout bye love you ( again always did ) I could see the light under the door of the shower room, I think then I realised something was wrong. Like you I called his name & nothing, I opened the door & could tell he had already gone although my head was saying ‘ silly sod has fallen asleep on the loo’ but then I noticed his purple mockled arm and then his chalky colour hit me , he said @4am when I cuddled. Him that he felt a little uncomfortable and could he cuddle me instead ( it was his neck or shoulder ?) . He was a nightmare for falling asleep on the sofa so I didn’t overly question it. Now I’m left broken & guilty wondering if I had, he would still be here. People tell me not, even my daughter who is a nurse but I don’t know :woman_shrugging:t2::sleepy::broken_heart: apparently it’s a common things for men over 50 passing on the loo ( Bry was 58 , I’m 53)

Saying that after Googling A LOT and joining this group it’s very very sad how many of us have lost our soulmates , some far too young. But at least ( and sadly ) it makes us realise we are not alone.

My heart pounds out if my chest daily & the tears flow like a river. I don’t want to exist without him, nor do I ever want to experience pain like this again :broken_heart:

I have my first counselling (CBT) Tuesday. I’m lucky as she works with a friend of mine hence why I have haven’t had to wait too long. I’m scared & skeptical how it will help but I will try anything right now if it takes the slightest bit of pain & guilt along with all the other emotions I feel away . Sending you lots of love :broken_heart::heart: x

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@PammyJane I am so sorry , you have had such a traumatic time. I can’t begin to imagine how you cope. I lost my lovely husband six months ago. He was in hospital for the last eight weeks of his life and we thought he would come home but he didn’t.
I cry most days. I wrote to him yesterday and told him I was going to motivate myself and live the life he wanted me to. Today I went out for a walk, something I haven’t been able to do on my own since I lost him and I mowed the front lawn and tidied it up.
I have spent so many days and weeks not doing much. There is no right or wrong, just do whatever you feel like doing each day.
I understand when you say how hard it is to start afresh. I try not to think more than a couple of days ahead, I feel more comfortable not thinking about the future.
Sending you lots of strength and a hug xx

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@Alir Like you, it is 6 months since my wife of 47 years passed after 11 weeks in hospital. We never thought she would die when she went in. Yesterday was the first birthday of our second grandchild, 6 months between our 47th and 48th wedding anniversary, and on Thursday my youngest grandchild is 3 months old. Before, only the birthday would have been significant, now all these dates just remind me of what happened and what has happened since and my wife passed and what she missed.
Friday I shall visit significant places with my family if I can. Yesterday, I lit a candle for my wife in Liverpool Anglican cathedral, one for a dear friend on her anniversary of losing her loved husband, and one for all of us on this site. I am not religious but to me the flames symbolised the love still burning inside of us for our loved ones and which will only be extinguished when we pass.
I will be thinking of you on Friday. Love and hugs xxxxxx

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It will be 6 month on Friday for me.

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You have been in my thoughts all week Mike. It’s so difficult to accept how quickly time passes but how slowly in another way. I am now at seven and a half months since Barry passed away and I can’t get my head around the fact that’s half the time he lived after his cancer diagnosis (he died 15 months after being told). I still have days when I just expect him to walk through the door and ask if I want a brew. I will be thinking about you on Friday.

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@Jan71 Thank you for your kind words. The comfort we get from the support of and in supporting others on this site is so important in helping us to grieve. Love and hugs xxxx

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@Mike75 Thank you Mike.
That was a nice idea, lighting the candle. I like the picture, it is nice and peaceful.
It is so sad that our partners are not with us any more,as you say, missing birthdays, anniversary dates and just general family occasions.
I am not sure what I will do on Friday. I know I will feel very upset but I am also going to try and find a positive somewhere in the day as I know I must for Ron’s sake.
Whatever you do, I sincerely hope the day is not too bad for you and you are able to find some peace in visiting places of significance to you.
Sending you love and hugs xx. We will get there one day, where ever there is!! xxx

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@Alir Thank you. It was peaceful and felt right to light the candles as a memorial ritual for Di, my friend and everyone here in the same boat. The cathedral seemed the right place to do it.
Like you I shall be trying to find some positives in happy memories on Friday as well as the inevitable sadness at Di not being with me. My brother and sister will be with me.
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hope you have even more victories over anxiety.
Hugs xxxxx

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@Mike75
I too am not particularly religious but I love the feeling of peace that is present in churches and I always light a candle for those I have lost over the years.

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My heart aches for you. My circumstances of losing my husband are different, as he had Alzheimer’s. It was an agonizing journey. I am 8 mos and 21 days into my journey. I am able to do the things I have to do to keep our home/finances going. We had no children and don’t live any where near family. I have handled things alone. My husband was an amazing man. The center of my universe, and always will be. We were married 52 yrs. And for me being 75 yrs old, just getting through each day is all I can hope for. Each day brings me closer to him, which I truly believe in.
We on this site understand those immediate days after the loss of our precious mates. Right now I just feel tremendous sadness. I am blessed and so very grateful for the beautiful, loving life we had together. Life looks very different now. Moving on, well each day comes and goes, so I guess that is moving on. I just wait for when we are reunited.
May you find some peace and support in a very difficult journey.
Karen

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@Karetired

So sorry for you :broken_heart:

I am struggling to even Function , not interested in cooking housework or anything :sleepy::sleepy:

I have never thought of each day I am here is a day closer to being back with Bryan so that gives me a little comfort so thank you . I’m 53 but really don’t want to grow old without my best friend :broken_heart::broken_heart: xx

Sending love xx

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Karetired
I so echo the sentiments in your post, I do have family for which I am grateful but at the end of the day we are each on our own. I will love and miss my darling husband until the day I join him. Big hugs to you and everyone else on this site who have lost someone precious

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I have no interest in housework cooking -it’s all I can do to take my sprocker spaniel -I just feel sooo tired all the time -but I am thankful for this group -at least we all understand each other

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@Carol9 @PammyJane

I used to cook all the time especially with spending most of my adult life doing slimming world , which always meant being organised where food was concerned but not done a proper shop or cooked , sorted house in 5 weeks . I’ve had ‘moments’ and gone on a mad one and cleared the fridge & tried to do the garden but that has exhausted me and then I crumble again .

I look at people ( neighbours ) that look so unfit and although I’d never wish ill on anybody can’t help question why they are still here & my Bry isn’t . Why is life so unfair & hard .

At the same time I look at friends and feel relieved for me as, although I’m going through it and it’s a pain I never thought possible , I will never have to go through it again and at some point they will and that saddens me for them .

It’s like we are on an everlasting roller coaster with all these emotions & thoughts :sleepy::broken_heart: xxx

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PollyjaneW
I agree, I’m nearly two a half years into this terrible pain and I just could not contemplate going through it again. It definitely does get a little easier but is still crippling. It’s the most awful pain imaginable. Big hugs to everyone suffering this pain.

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I relate to your feelings entirely…sending condolences :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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