Losing mum

Losing a parent
#1

Hi …
I am new to this forum, and I have been reading many of the posts and found it has been so helpful for me to realise that others are feeling the same kind of feelings and emotions … I have been able to relate to so much that I have read.

Mum has been gone for six months and some days it still feels so raw like it was yesterday … some days I cannot hide how I feel no matter how hard I try … and the thought that I will never speak to her again is so painful it is almost physical.

I seem to go through waves of emotion and at times have felt such anger which has really taken me aback … people also expect you to go back to “normal” within a short space of time quoting cliches - however, I find that these people have not yet suffered such a loss so in fairness have no true understanding of how it feels.

Dad died a few years ago and I thought I was prepared for mum as she had been ill for a while although sadly she was still fairly young at 69 … we were constantly at her bedside in the weeks before she died … however, I just feel that I am a little stuck and constantly keep going over the “what if” scinarios which is not helping me to move forward …

I have tried writing down my thoughts in a journal, I even found myself sending her a text the other day … silly really but some days you just feel desperate to hang on to something …

Tomorrow is another day …

#2

Hello Hatty

My name is Angela and two weeks ago my mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I’ve been waiting to speak to the consultant again since but she is 76 and we’ve found she also has other health problems.
I love her so much, she has always been my rock. At the moment I am caring for her at home.
I just wanted to say if you want to talk about your mum and how you’re feeling I’m very willing to listen. I also feel very alone and have no one to talk to.
Won’t be offended if not.
Sending love and light to you x

#3

Hi my mum passed away finding it hard she had to be put on end of life medication and palliative care one minute she was alright then she just detiorated hit me hard some days just don’t want to get up to face the world everyon else is so happy and I feel alone and lost

#4

Hi Angela

Thank you firstly for responding …. my heart goes out to you and that must be very difficult caring for her at home, do you have any siblings to share the load?

My mum had other health issues too - and was in hospital from January and then was transferred to a hospice for the last 2 weeks, she was due to come home 3 weeks before she died, but took a turn and went into kidney failure - I sometimes feel bad that she was not at home, but in all honesty we would not have coped, especially considering the pain she was in.

Since losing her, I go over things constantly, did she know how much we loved her -could we have done more, done things differently? Due to the end of life medication, she didn’t seem able to have a proper conversation in the latter stages - and I always envisaged having certain conversations with her, but it never felt right - that bothers me now, but we always told each other every day we loved each other and I hold on to that and sometimes that just has to be enough.

Please feel free to message me if you need to talk - I wish that I had maybe got some support before she passed, as it has hit me so hard over the past six months.

Take care …… x

#5

Hi …. totally understand how your feeling, it is sometimes too much to comprehend that they have gone … you just need to take one day at a time and be kind to yourself …… keep reaching out as well, I wish I had done so sooner, especially in a safe environment like this where everyone is facing similar feelings xx

#6

Hi Hatty

I am very very sure your mum knew you loved her and that everything you did was done with love and with her best intentions.
I feel guilty too - that I didn’t insist mum went to the doctors sooner, that I don’t have the money for private, that I didn’t help her more especially since my dad died two and a half years ago.
Yes it is tough looking after her at home, though at the moment she can still do some things herself. She isn’t in any pain yet either. But it is what we both want for her to be here. She is completely ‘all there’ mentally and I know she’s scared. I’m very scared too.

Please keep talking any time you want to.

Sending love

Angela

#7

Evening Angela

You don’t need to feel guilty, being there for your mum is a wonderful thing … we are too hard on ourselves at times but I think that can be the case when you have a caring nature…

I know I could have done more over the years since my dad died - but the truth is we all have lives to lead and demands on our time and we do what we can …

I am pleased for you that your mum is good at the moment and hopefully that will continue … remember to look after yourself too - that is more important than you realise … make sure you talk and feel supported…

Here if you need an ear …

Hatty x

#8

Hi Hatty

Thank you so much. I don’t feel like I have anyone to really talk to much tbh. My partner isn’t very good with emotion and I don’t have many close friends - been so busy with work and kids and let things slide.
Here if you want to talk too - would love to hear about your mum if it helps.
Angela xxx

#9

hi
So sorry for your loss . I lost my mom suddenly in February . Like you I have what if days . I wish I had been there with her . I remind myself we are not perfect and she would not want me to be sad but it is hard . We would do anything to have them back .people assume we are moving on but everyone is different and we grieve in different ways
take care
Eileen

#10

Hi hatty
I lost my mum nearly 2 years ago and I have good and bad days… having a bad day today. .but it does get easier and I’m living a different kind of life… my partner isn’t very sympathetic which doesn’t help so I feel very alone…hugs to you x

#11

Hello Eileen
Sorry for your loss to and the fact it was sudden must make it even harder - at least I knew mum was dying.

You are so right, our mums would not want us feeling this way but as I am sure you know some days that makes no difference - I am still so hard on myself at times …

I understand what you mean about people and moving on, for me at times I have found that particularly difficult.

Do you dread special times like Christmas for example? - all the firsts are so hard.

It has been lovely connecting with others like yourself who just understand.

Take care xx

#12

Morning Angela

Hope you are ok today … I know many men who just don’t do emotion, I believe that we are stronger for it and letting it out is so much better than holding it in, but I know letting go is easier when you are alone.

I run a business and feel sometimes this has taken over my life and again feel that I sometimes never took the time to do the little things that I could and should have done …I loved my mum deeply but she wasn’t easy at times, but I don’t think I really appreciated how bad she must have felt. I am so glad I got to spend the last 3 weeks of her life at her bedside but sadly with all the medication, understandably she was not herself and conversation was difficult.

I have a sister, we are very different and she does not feel the same as me and does not miss her - I find that hard as I thought this would have made us closer and we could share our grief, but I have to accept that is how she feels and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

I spoke to my mum everyday and although I have a few close friends I don’t have that kind of relationship where I speak to them daily - I miss that terribly, the just talking about nothing.

Please let me know how things are going and feel free to reach out when ever you need to xx

#13

Morning Angela

Hope you are ok today … I know many men who just don’t do emotion, I believe that we are stronger for it and letting it out is so much better than holding it in, but I know letting go is easier when you are alone.

I run a business and feel sometimes this has taken over my life and again feel that I sometimes never took the time to do the little things that I could and should have done …I loved my mum deeply but she wasn’t easy at times, but I don’t think I really appreciated how bad she must have felt. I am so glad I got to spend the last 3 weeks of her life at her bedside but sadly with all the medication, understandably she was not herself and conversation was difficult.

I have a sister, we are very different and she does not feel the same as me and does not miss her - I find that hard as I thought this would have made us closer and we could share our grief, but I have to accept that is how she feels and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

I spoke to my mum everyday and although I have a few close friends I don’t have that kind of relationship where I speak to them daily - I miss that terribly, the just talking about nothing.

Please let me know how things are going and feel free to reach out when ever you need to xx

#14

Hello there… I hope you are having a better day today, although I know those times can spill over into days.

I know that you are right and in time it will get better, tbh the intensity of emotion at times is so draining that you have no choice but to try and lift yourself up as it would just consume you otherwise. It is just when I think of forever … even typing it makes me feel so unbelievably sad.

I hear all the time about partners not coping with emotion or being sympathetic - I think they just tick differently to us and just bury their emotion and expect those around them to do the same, as they feel it’s weak to show it - but I think it shows strength.

Sending hugs to you and thank you for responding, it means a lot xx

#15

My mother died 2 years ago and I still regret the fact that I was not there with her. She had lived in a Care Home for several weeks and I knew she was dying. The nurse from the home phoned an hour before I was due to visit and told me that she was calling the doctor to start end of life care. Five minutes later she called back to say she had gone back to the room and Mum had died. I’m glad I had seen her every day immediately before as my 2 brothers were away on holiday. She had told me frequently that she was ready to die and didn’t want to suffer anymore. It was a difficult time as my aunt was also needing a lot of attention at this time and she was reliant on my brothers and myself. My Aunt is still with us and she also tells me she is ready to die.
My four children lost their mother 62 days ago and she was desperate to live. They each seem to have dealt with it differently and this probably down to their own individual circumstances. Part of my grieving includes a lot of concern for my children and I feel I have to remain strong for them as they have enough on their plates without having me fall to pieces. I agree with the assertion that men handle emotion differently, in general. Maybe boys are socialised differently to girls and maybe some women had a part to play in this.

#16

Hi Hatty and All

I’m so sorry to read all your posts. Just wanted to drop a few lines to see how you are all doing.

Reading all the thoughts on anger, guilt, sadness and the ups and downs about losing our mum’s or looking after them while dying Angela is heart breaking.

I lost my beloved dad May last year and 6 weeks later my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I cared for her at home for 9 months then reached breaking point and she went into a home. She was an amazing positive lady and both of them have left a huge gap in my life that is filled with all the emotions you have all talked about.

It is awful how there is a pressure for men to stay strong. This is our mum’s we are talking about and whoever we are it is hard to deal with. That’s why I love this forum. I can keep it going in “real” life then vent about my real emotions here.

I also think that the depth of our grief shows how much we loved them and for that I am very thankful. I had amazing parents and I am so lucky for that. So many don’t get that in their lives.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is I hear you all! I understand and I hope we can keep chatting on here. It is a safe space to let everything out.

Ann xx

#17

Morning All

It has been so heart warming reading all your posts … it makes me realise that we are not alone no matter how at times we may feel that way. It is also clear that we all need to reach out at times for some support in a safe place … which this forum provides.

I saw this today and thought it was quite poignant and I thought I would share it with you:

Grief never ends, but it changes
It’s a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not s sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love …

I suppose we should try and hang on to the fact that if we had not loved deeply those we have lost then we would not feel like we do … not sure it always helps but I feel lucky to have had felt such love …

I, like Ann has already said, hope we can keep chatting and sharing …

Xx

#18

Hi I was due for counselling tomorrow but can’t face it feel so exhausted I don’t know how to go forward feel so down and depressed don’t know where to go for help.havent posted for a while to drained with life.

#19

Hello Butterfly12

I am just on a break at work and saw your email come through …… I am so sorry you are feeling so low and I know how exhausting it can be. Maybe it would be good to try and go to your counselling tomorrow as talking it through, no matter how emotional it makes you can sometimes help - they may even be able to offer some ideas to help you try and manage on the darker days …… it would be a good start to try and get some help.

Take care x

#20

Hi Butterfly12

I’m sorry you are having a rubbish day. I agree with Hatty. Why not just give it a go. It has helped me. This may sound insensitive but what have you got to lose? We’ve already lost so much so sometimes I want to throw myself into things as I think “What have I got to lose! I’ve lost it already!”

I hope you come back to let us know how you get on.

Big hug and remember to just take one day, even one hour at a time. That’s the only way I get through sometimes.

Ann xx

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