Losing my 20 year old son a month ago

Hi, first time for me on here. I came home on the 28th Dec 2016 after work and found my 20 year old son Connor in his bed, passed away. My only child, my beautiful son, just gone like that, taken from me. The funeral was only on tuesday as we had to have a post mortem. I am just lost, the days have no meaning and the future just looks long and lonely. People say Connor would not want me to be sad, to make the most of my life but I cannot get beyond this deep deep pain.

Hi im very sorry for your loss .(IM 57 my wife was 41) ive lost my soulmate but not my child .I definitely have empathy with you .Take it day by day only do legal things you have to do .Have you been to see your GP (I see my go to cruse bereavement councelling ask your gp i did i also phone the samaritains a lot ) keep coming back here .There are members on here who have lost a child im sure 1 or more of them will write on here soon .Big hugs Colin

Hi Marina

I’m so sorry to read of the sudden loss of your son. This must be devastating for you, but I’m pleased you’ve found your way to our Community where you can find some support through this difficult time.

There are other members here who have had similar experiences, and many of them do find that it helps a little to exchange messages with others who understand what they’re going through.

You may wish to read and join in with this conversation from user paulsm who also sadly lost a son suddenly https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/i-need-talk-about-my-son

best wishes

My youngest son Nick died suddenly in August 2015 aged 17 . I know what you are going through . Try not to rationalise anything at the moment it’s far too soon . i don’t know you but my thoughts and love are with you . Paul

So sorry to hear the loss of your son Marina. No mother should have to lose a child. It’s still very early days for you. I lost my wonderful younger brother in April 2016 ,he went on hoilday to Spain and died of a cardiac arrest, was only 51. It was such a shock to us all and still is. My mum’s pain is unbearable at times, I wish I could say it get easier, for us it’s got harder. Just take one day at a time, I find comfort in writing my feelings down on paper. What ever you do I hope you find comfort! You not on your own. God bless you.x

Hi Paul
Thank you for replying. I am sorry you have lost like I have, you will know this pain. I feel it is impossible to get past this, I just wish the days to pass quickly, its just surviving without wanting to. I see no point to my life, how will I ever enjoy anything again? Things have changed forever. Before this I would be up early making the most of everyday, I was very independent & capable but now I cannot even be alone, I have to have people with me all the time. I am still up early but that is because I do not sleep. I miss Connor so much, I still had so much to say to him, to tell him, to share with him. How did you cope? I know we are all different in how we deal with our grief, its a very personal thing but knowing you are surviving this gives me some hope.

Nicky had parasomnia which caused him to fit when he hadn’t had enough sleep ; being a teenager he burned the candle at both ends ; that morning he had a fit and fell asleep on his front and suffocated . It’s impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t been through what we have just how appalling it is to lose a child To begin with I was paralysed with grief and couldn’t do anything . I made myself go back to work after 3 weeks which took my mind off it a bit . I’ve git another son James aged 21 who was very close to Nick .i needed and still need to be strong for him . We were a close family . A long standing emphatic belief that human life is just one form of transient life and that the spirit lives on beyond this earthly life has helped; it doesn’t stop me from feel desperately sad that I can no longer see touch and smell him but I do feel him around me all the time and it helps a bit . I still get terribly restless and need to keep my brain occupied o I can get terribly maudlin . I try to think of Nick when he was around and have stacks and stacks of happy memories . I talk to him all the time , in the car at home . Sometims I write messages to him and tell him what I’ve been doing or how I feel , like I would if he was around but not at home , probably he’d be at university by now ; he was born on 1st April 1998. My life and yours will never be the same again but gradually I am beginning to want to go on , for James’s sake.as he needs me and because I feel I owe it to Nick to make the most of the rest of my life ( I’m 56) I don’t want people to feel sorry for me ; I’ve got a few close friends who don’t treat me like damaged goods and when I’m with them we do normal things . The sadness is always there never far away but it helps me to cling on .

Dear Marina
I know the pain of loosing a son my beloved John died on the 20th July2016 age 20 yrs he was the love of my life and there is not a moment in any day he is not in my thoughts, from the moment I wake to the minute I fall asleep he is there . I don’t understand how we as parents are the chosen ones to suffer this horrendous loss , I think of the life I have had and the life he has lost and all the wonderful experiences he will never get the chance to enjoy . My heart like yours is broken and each day comes with another memory of what we enjoyed over those 20 years together . I will learn to live again and so will you but we will be thankful for the times we were allowed to have with our precious boys for as long as we live. God Bless and keep those memories close to your heart!

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I feel for you so deeply :frowning: my son also passed away on the 17th of December also in his sleep and the torment of still not knowing why is crucifying us. Why do our beautiful children get taken :frowning: :frowning:

So sorry to hear of your loss. Every time I hear of someone loosing a child my heart breaks for them. The pain is unbearable.
I lost my wonderful 30 year old son in an accident Jan 2016 while he was travelling. I found out by police knocking on the door. From that moment my life is just an existence of going through the motions. I had 3 months of work and an amazing amount of support from friends but nothing can prepare you for this continuous roller coaster of emotions.
Now 13 months later the shock has gone but I feel no better. It’s like a huge hole in my heart that is constantly there.
Does it get better? I want to be happy and feel joy again. My husband and I are drifting apart and the thought of feeling like this forever is frightening.
So like you Marine I know my son who was fuĺl of joy would want my to be happy but I just can’t let go of the sadness. I have 2 other children but I just miss him so much, we were so incredibly close. How do we ever get over this.

Hi Pammy, this is how I feel. I am just existing after loosing my daughter to cancer (2015). The pain is unbearable at times. I go over and over the the last 4 years from her diagnosis and I can’t understand why. I feel very sad that she can’t be here living her life with her husband, bringing up her daughter. I can’t imagine how she felt about leaving them as she didn’t speak about this. It’s all so unfair. When I wake up I get a wave of realisation she isn’t here anymore and I struggle with these feelings day after day. My granddaughter brings us joy and a reason to survive.

Sorry I did not reply earlier its been a while since I logged on. I guess you have your answers now to as what may of happened to your beautiful son? Although knowing does not make the pain any less does it? How old was your son? How are you coping now? Do you have other children? I now get anxiety which I have never experienced before, the future looks so scary. No future daughter in law or grandchildren, it is the end of the road and all seems pointless and very lonely. I’m so frightened my husband will go before me and i am left alone feeling like this.The thought of never seeing my son again crucifies me, here one minute and then just gone! How can that be?
Hugs Marina

Hi I lost my son 14 Dec 2016 road incident he died at the scene Antony was 29. I totally understand the knocking on the door , world turned upside down. I ask same questions how could Antony be here then in next breath be gone?. It makes no sense , not seeing him again I don’t understand how to live like that. My daughter is doing better now, which I’m glad about but all I do is think bout Antony, so many things I want to do , hug him tell him I love him.
People around go in with their lives I see his friends and then I’m so upset that his future is gone.
I’ve not returned to work yet, don’t have the energy.
Everything I did as stopped. I don’t live I exist, rawness overwhelming heartache the pain just too much. How do I wake each morning?. Antonys motto was living the dream and he did he had such a zest for life was always happy laughing and was liked by alot. His funeral showed that. I miss him so much I don’t know how I’m meant to carry on.
Sorry for all our losses life can indeed be cruel.
Julie xx

You’re not alone . My son died suddenly in August 2015 aged 17. I believe in an afterlife but not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. It does get easier as time passes , but your life will probably never be the same again . That doesn’t mean you can never feel happy ever again , I hope you will ,but my outlook and approach to life has emphatically changed since Nick died . Sometimes I feel like you do now and don’t want to do anything . I often long for death so I can be with him again but I won’t take my own life mainly because I have another son who needs me and loves me . Most of the time I feel an overwhelming urge to personalise life and take it on and extract the most I can from it , like punching a punchbag and because it takes my mind off things I want to block out . It’s not always successful and it’s exhausting but I don’t feel I have any choice . Paul

It’s strange (guilt) all my time and thoughts are for my son, my daughter I love and she is my main reason for still being here.
Odd thing is I didn’t think bout Antony this much alive but now he’s all I can think of, mostly the loss ,not seeing him the future his life gone.
Not sure what I believe but I hope there is afterlife, I pray there is. I did go see edits who told me some things no one knew it was a thing between my son and daughter, the message definitely Antony. I try find comfort but the thoughts come back with vengeance.
Life changed the night I got the knock on the door. Strange because even when they said he had been in accident I was waiting for them say he was in hospital. They didn’t.
Antony wouldn’t want me like this , doesn’t help. I look for signs bit maybe I’m too desperate and miss little ones.
Hard on our children too , they say the 2nd year is worse which seems so hard to believe and makes me think ? It’s worst feeling now.
Thank you

The pain is rawest in the immediate aftermath , I’m never expecting it to go but I can handle it better now or I’ve come to terms with it , which is probably more accurate . I’ve seen a clairvoyant too and got stuff that couldn’t have been guessed at which helped to reassure me that life doesn’t end with death , on the contrary , but it doesn’t stop me wishing with all my heart that he could have stayed around in this life for longer .

I’m so sorry for your loss I lost my only child Daniel on 24th November 2016 from deep vein thrombosis 3 weeks after an operation it was unexpected and a shock the last words he said to me was help me help me then he collapsed and he was gone I cry constantly I miss him so much so I know what your going through x

Hi Marina,
I just wondered how you are now coping. Can life return to some sort of different normality.
I am in a similar situation as you once found yourself.
I found my son had passed in his sleep 3 weeks ago. It will take up to 3 months to know how it happened.
I don’t see a future at the moment, he was my best friend, my youngest.
I really hope this hasn’t upset you but I saw you on here and thought I’d ask.
I understand if you don’t reply.
Regards Helen

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Hi Helen. Saw your message. My boy died 7 years ago. You ask if any type of normal can be resumed. Yes it can but it’s a different normal. It takes a long time. You never get over it. You think about them everyday. You feel different. Everyone around you feels different. Life is different. You just learn to adapt. Time goes by in a flash . You get to 1yr. Then 2 and 3 and so on. It will always be completely devastating. But you reach milestones. Most of the time you don’t know how you got there, but you just do. It’s a long hard slow process. But eventually the sun will shine again. Jim


Thank you Jim . It’s so very hard, I’m like a zombie at the moment, just going through the motions of living. I really don’t see how I can get through it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your message has given me hope. I’ve 2 older boys but he was my youngest and still living at home. I miss him so much .