I lost my dad 12 weeks ago yesterday. It was completely unexpected, he was playing football as he did every Friday and had a massive heart attack. It has been the most devastating yet surreal experiences of my life. I relied on my dad to guide me through everything and I feel completely lost. My workplace were really unsupportive and wanted me to go back full time a week after his funeral. I didn’t feel strong enough and wasn’t thinking straight so I resigned. Now I have the added financial worries as I’m working through an agency so my income isn’t guaranteed. My partner has found it difficult to support me and says he feels drained with it so I try not to burden him too much. I feel like I’m losing him. I feel like everyone is getting to the point of being sick of hearing about it and seeing me cry. As time goes on it gets harder because you see people carrying on but I’m drowning each day just trying to get through. I’m just hoping there’s light at the end of the tunnel because I’m feeling like there’s no place to go from here.
So sorry Emily to read of your distressing situation and very sad loss. I’m not really the best person to reply as it was my Husband that had a massive heart attack, not a parent. I can identify with you however when you say you sense others are tiring of seeing you grieve. Some people feel uncomfortable around grieving people and would rather you made quicker progress which is not a good situation for you at all. Please don’t hold anything in or try to rush your grieving. I can understand how it feels to be trying to keep going when your entire world has changed but for everyone else it’s the same. Do you have a sympathetic GP you can have a chat with to talk about your concerns, it may help. I wish you well.
Thank you for your reply Tina, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have spoken to my gp and she’s lovely and understanding but agrees that increasing my anti depressants isn’t the solution and maybe it is a little early for counselling. I was hoping speaking to someone else who is grieving may be of some comfort. What have you felt has helped?
Hello again Emily. Being a member of a community like this does help in a way. People can post openly or if preferred via private messaging. I wouldn’t think anyone objects to this and I know I have received lots of encouragement this way. To others time progresses but to us it can seem as if it has stopped and I don’t think they understand this and you are right, we don’t want to burden others so in the end our lost loved ones don’t even get mentioned any more - that’s hard. Also, have you thought about starting to write to your Dad everyday in a diary/journal telling him what you have been doing, about favourite memories and other things? I do this, I’m not saying it helps all the time but it’s sometimes a comfort. There is a website called “aftertalk” or you could buy yourself a lovely book to write in and attach a photo inside. I suppose it’s a ritual but rituals can be calming. If you think you may need Cruse Counselling contact them early enough as there can be long waiting lists. Otherwise just try to get through each day in one piece. I know other people on here have some ideas on what helped them and if they are still active members they would be willing to share those. Hope you get over the Easter period as OK as possible, take care.
Hi I lost my dad three weeks ago unexpected he had a stroke, I also feel that everyone is getting sick of me I’m also figuring out how I can stop the feelings of being abandoned but I’ve read up on it and seems it’s part of grief so can’t do a lot about it!
I can imagine after my dad’s funeral Friday I’ll find it hard as everyone will kind of forgotten about it all and the shock of it apart from me!
I’m constantly worried I’ll die next or my family will , partner will leave me etc guess until you have gone through a significant loss you never no how it feels I feel like I’m going mad some days and need constant reassurance which must be draining but believe me if I could help it I wouldn’t do it! I hope your ok as can be take every day as it comes I’m guessing that’s all we can do, I’m on sick leave at the moment for a month which I will be extending then I’ll be under pressure to go back and they will start procedures against me but I’m not strong enough and what time scale to you put for loosing a dad! Sending you hugs
Hi Emily. I lost my Dad just before Christmas. It was very unexpected too. My husband has been great, but he still has both his parents and I truly think that if you haven’t been though the loss of a parent yourself, its very hard to understand. The waves of grief that come in these first few months can be just overwhelming. Some days I start crying and just can’t stop. It’s been 4 months now so a similar timescale to you so please know that you are not alone and what you are experiencing is, and I hate to say this, normal.
Hi Vicky. So sorry to hear about your dad. It’s truly devastating. I know all too well the waves of grief. I can be ok all day then cry all night and vice versa. I do definitely think it’s so hard to understand unless you’ve been through it. Especially when it’s sudden. We’re all in a club we’d rather not be in xxx
That’s weird, I remember saying to a friend very early on that it was like being a member of a club that no one wants to be in! I remember going to see married friends a couple of weeks after Dad died and I am much closer to the wife than the husband, but he lost his Mum last year and she still has both her parents and the warmth and understanding I felt from him was so amazing, I struggle too as none of my closest girl friends have lost their parents yet. So they’re sympathetic but it’s just different somehow.
It’s so true that you feel something different from a person who’s lost a parent. They just get it. Well, consider me a friend if you want! Someone to talk to who understands is something we probably all need
How are things at work and home now? Do you feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel?
How are things at work and home now? Do you feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel?
I’m still just doing agency work but applying for permanent jobs, need some routine. Home life is up and down. Feel like I’m just living with my partner rather than actually being together. How about you?
Home and work are ok, but I suffered from panic attacks years ago and since Dad died they have come back 
I feel it’s putting pressure on my husband (as we’re self employed so he’s not only my partner but also my business partner). Sorry I’m going to be off line for about half an hour - putting my 4 year old to bed. Back soon…
Me to happy to talk and be of help to anyone in this club that unfortunately we are in big hugs to everyone x
Aw I’m sorry to hear that. I’d never had a panic attack in my life until dad died so I feel your pain. It’s so hard getting stuck into work etc I know. I’m sure your husband understands. He’ll go through it one day and you’ll have to help him through. And if he’s like my partner and doesn’t understand, then au revoir to him lol
Have you have had a panic attack since your Dad then? It’s tough isn’t it. I had CBT when I had them before and it really helped. I found the key is to not let them get on top of you. And to talk! Keeping it bottled up inside is the worst thing
Yes I’ve had them since dad died. Really hard. I’ve suffered with depression for years, and obviously since this I’ve been bad. Some days I can’t get out of bed (like today lol)
Hello, I started to have panic attacks since my dad died. I don’t want to start taking anti-depressants but I don’t feel like I am in control any more. I have started group bereavement sessions with my local Cruse group which is good as everyone is supportive but I am struggling on a day to day basis. My family are trying to be supportive but they can’t be with me 24/7. In any case I still have mild panic attacks when they are around. If anyone has any tips/advice for handling panic attacks please can they share them? Thanks so much in advance.
Hi Lucy sorry for your loss and sorry for the way your feeling I have them to all I do is I try to breathe and thing if the times I’ve over come them and remember they will pass, I’m trying mindfulness but haven’t grasped that yet, also considered a meditation class, started exercising again which is really hard to start but hoping that will aid it eventually I also go on walks , the main thing I try to do is to accept at the moment there part of me and will pass and try not to beat myself up over it as it makes it worse. I have daily fears and thoughts of what could happen and I hate living like it, there are technqiues on line check out the no more panic website, take care and be kind to yourself x
Hi LucyLu,
I just wanted to let you know that we have had a few discussions on this site in the past about panic attacks and anxiety. You might find it helpful to have a read of these and see what tips people shared:
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/grief-and-panic-attacks
https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/anxiety
Priscilla
Community Manager