@Ulma yes likewise, I have so much guilt and regret, Dad just wanted to come home, I wish I had just brought him home, but it wasn’t my decision to make alone, the rest of my family, and also then would of lived with the regret of him going at home and the not knowing if he would have survived staying in hospital … yet still he knew he didn’t want to be there, … it was such torture and that trauma continues…
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We would be swamped with guilt and regret if that had happened too. None of the choices we had at that moment was good. But the anger is so hard to bear and the nagging thoughts that maybe things would have turned out differently if only.
@Ulma @Sar9 I’m really sorry for your losses. I’m sure you have already been told this, but I’m confident that your fathers would not want you to be torturing yourselves with reliving the last stages of their lives, and feeling guilty about ‘what ifs’. They know you were doing your best in a very difficult situation and would want you to remember all the good times spent with them rather than the sad times.
I lost my father to liver cancer just over 3 months ago, and he went downhill very quickly. In the space of a month, he went from being pretty active to not being able to get out of bed, and spending the last 4 days of his life in a Hospice. I try not to dwell on the last month of his life, but to remember all the fun times we had together. This is all easier said than done I know, but it’s the only way I can get myself through this x
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Thank you for saying it again, maybe hearing it enough times will make it penetrate.
My sympathies for the loss of your father. It happened quickly with my dad too and maybe one day we can feel that was for the best for them, but it’s more of a shock for us, of course. It makes your head spin, because just beforehand they were ok.
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No problem and hopefully we can all help each other to start to feel perhaps just a little bit more ‘normal’ at this very difficult time.
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@LostFather @Ulma
thankyou for your reply, just feeling so angry today … finding it very difficult to navigate this! 
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Hugs! I understand the anger. I’ve had a horrible day twisting and turning everything inside out again and blaming myself. It’s incredibly hard to navigate and it feels like going backwards sometimes.
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Fingers crossed. We need all the help we can get and feeling that we’re not alone in this makes a difference.
My heart stopped listening to my head today and fell headlong into the mire of guilt once more, so it has been difficult.
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@Sar9 @Ulma I’m sorry you have both had a bad day. Perhaps some words of wisdom from my dad might help here. He always used to tell me with things that were upsetting or out of my control, to ‘not keep picking it up and examining the roots’. Just do the best you can in the situation, and “don’t keep beating yourself up about things you can’t control”. I am also trying very hard to follow his advice at the moment, but it’s not easy. I hope you can enjoy at least some of your Saturday evening.
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@Ulma I found surrendering the anger, guilt, blame to a higher power helped empty it out of me today, I just needed to release,… right now can’t find joy in anything, just need my Dad, . when i see him in my minds eye, I see him smiling, I know he is out of pain…yet can’t help myself… he didn’t go into hospital as sick as he continued to get whilst there…
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@Annie2023 im really sorry to hear about your dad, i think we hadnt even processed anything in 3 weeks and were still in shock! I cannot begin to imagine what you have been going through in such a short period of time, just heartbreaking so i do understand that bit x
@EllieJ i dont think anyone can tell you what your feeling as we all need time to process what has happened. I totally agree with you about xmas i could quite easily shut myself away until its all over instead i feel like i have to put on this face and carry on as thats whats expected of me and you cant ruin everyone elses xmas??
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@Sar9 @Ulma Good morning and I really hope you will both have a better day today than yesterday. I know this won’t help you both, but my plan for today may make you smile perhaps just for a little bit 
I’m going to be spending today in a cupboard! Well, working in it. I have a cupboard under the stairs in my house that I have been trying to renovate for months now, which dad and I were intending to use to store our air rifles and other kit.
We took up air rifle shooting at a local range when dad got diagnosed as something new to do together. The cupboard has been left after dad died, and today I feel he would want me to ‘get that cupboard finished son!’. So, that’s what I’m going to do. It will keep me busy, and I’ll probably be talking to dad the whole time I’m doing it!
I hope you both manage to find a way to have a better day today (and a more exciting one than mine too being stuck in a cupboard!).
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@LostFather thats a lovely thing to do. If your dad was anything like mine he will be guiding you as his way was always the right way lol. I have not had a particular great weekend but have bought myself a new book as I often find immersing myself in a good book helps me. My husband is great he listens to me and understands but the grief is so overwhelming some days. But like you I can hear my dad saying to me what you crying for ?? He loved hearing me going out all the time and having fun so that’s my aim to get back to that. But what a struggle that feels right now! Enjoy your cupboard and I hope you do it properly as your lovely dad would want 
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Same here, he got worse at the hospital. I really don’t know what to do about the pain from that. You think a hospital should be a place of healing, not the opposite.
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Sounds like a wonderful idea! I hope it goes well and thanks for thinking of us. Keeping busy is probably the key, but most days I can’t even do that. Hopefully today will not be as awful, though I doubt it will be more exciting than being stuck in a cupboard!
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@EllieJ I hope you are enjoying your book. Is it fiction or factual? The cupboard went well and has now been plastered to my best ability. Note the ‘to my best ability’ part 
. It’s not perfectly flat, and you wouldn’t want to be paying me for my plastering skills! But it’s only a cupboard as my wife keeps telling me!
Floor to sort out next and then I can start painting it. It did it’s job today and kept my mind on something else. I hope my dad approves of my efforts.
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@LostFather its fiction - it helps me switch off. I’m sure your dad would be proud of your efforts today. Well done. It must have been difficult to start especially as it was supposed to be a joint effort. Really well done!
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Hi I am so sorry for your loss. My dad was diagnosed with pancretic cancer in April this year and passed away in July. My mom has dementia so has shown no emotion since he has died ( frontal lobal) I have good days and bad and also lack motivation. This site helps me every now and again when I think how much I miss him. Love to you at this tough time x
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Hi @Fatcat. I’m so sorry for your loss too. It must be very difficult to keep positive and also to grieve when you are looking after your mum who has not shown any emotion at all. Must be quite lonely. Do you have any siblings to help you with your mum or are you having to do everything by yourself?
I went to plant a memorial tree for my dad today. Managed to get it in the ground in-between the heavy rain showers, but at least it will have had a good watering. It looks lovely and has a plaque with his name on it. Take care
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