Thank you soo much for your kind words. My husband has been helping me through this tough time. The memorial tree sounds like a lovely idea xx You take care too.
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@Ulma it still makes me feel full of rage and desperate despair when i think of my Dadās time at the hospital, and overfilled with guilt as he didnāt want to be there, maybe he knew, ā¦
what I know for sure now is that we have to keep praying for Dadās soul journey to the highest Divine realms filled with divine love and sublime peace, I imagine heās surrounded by loved ones gone before, and will always be guiding us,
yet of course even having that spiritual anchor doesnāt mean you escape the human emotions of grief and all that entails, ā¦ we as a family are writing to the PALS section of the hospital in the hope that changes are made and this never happens to another patient and family,
sending you love and healing 
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Iāve also sent in a complaint. Writing it down I was so angry I felt I was coming apart. I wonder if it and the guilt will ever go away, itās so hard to live with. I wish, as Iām sure you do, that I could have saved him from it. And every time I think about it I too fall into desperate despair.
Thank you and the same to you. 
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Hi @Fatcat. Iām glad you have your husband to help you through these very tough times. Iāve decided to go and visit Dadās tree on Christmas Eve to see how it is getting on. Hopefully growing nicely. Iāll probably tell Dad all about how I got on with the cupboard and that soon his rifle and other shooting kit will be safely stored away. I went back to shooting after he died, but perhaps too early. I found it very upsetting and lonely on my own. Iāve decided to leave it until next year now, probably when the weather gets a bit better. But it brings back lots of memories that upset me at the moment. I keep going to talk to him but heās not there.
Iām having a bit of a bad evening with it tonight. Iāve been crying a fair bit x
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Sorry to hear youāre having a bad evening. So many of us seem to struggle right now, maybe itās the darkness or Christmas. Iāve had some miserable days as well with lots of tears, desperately missing him. Itās difficult to balance wanting to do things that remind you of them woth being distraught because of the flood of memories.
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Sorry you have felt down . The ride is like a rollercoaster. On a down day i could put some music on in the car and suddenly start crying if it is one of dads favourites. Think its inportant to show emotions though sad or happy it shows how much you loved them Hope your day is a bit brighter and the tree gives you time to reflect about your dad x
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@Ulma weāre (as a family) in the process of writing a letter, its so hard as there are so many triggers and as you say the despair is soul destroying, ā¦ what Iāve found is that by punishing ourselves iām also bringing sadness to my Dad (after reading and watching a lot of testimonies of people who have had NDEās; near death experiences) ā¦ what Iāve found is that forgiving myself has been really powerfulā¦ using the Hoāponono prayer towards myself;
Iām sorry,
please forgive me,
I love you,
thankyou
this has somewhat helped to relieve the guilt blame Iāve been holding, 'shame and guilt, fear are some of the lowest vibratory emotions, and we cannot communicate with our loved ones who have transcended when weāre vibrating low, (this is my belief) and I so want to and need to communicate with Dad
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Iāll have to try that, even if it only helps a little that would make a huge difference because Iām swamped in guilt and also want and need to communicate with him.
I sent my papers, not sure I can handle reading their reply later, but at least Iāve got it out of my system. Itās horrible that we even have to do these things. The loss is hard enough to bear.
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@ulma, do try it, but donāt just āsayā the prayer, feel it and mean it in every cell of your body, ā¦ weāre emotional beings
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Yes, what youāre feeling is totally normal. Iām experience the same lack of motivation. My Dad passed from cancer in November; like your Dad towards the end heād lost his mobility and was in a hospital bed at home. It was so traumatic watching him deteriorate and lose his dignity. My GP said this can aggravate the loss (and youāre already starting to grieve before they pass away.) Itās the most devastating experience, losing a parent. I feel lost without him and I donāt know how I can ever face normal life again. How do people ever resume their lives again???
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