Dear @Peg2 I just read a book (It’s ok not to be ok) where the widowed author explains why these statements are so frigging insulting: The “Your husband wouldn’t want to see you sad” ( and others like “everything happens for a reason” and “you’ll become a better person because of this”) really have an unsaid part which is “…so stop feeling so bad”. “They are actually dismissing an minimising the extent of your grief, they aren’t seeing your reality for what it is, they ar telling you it is not OK to talk or manifest your pain”
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Thank you for the info, Brandon. I’ve got a one off appointment booked soon which is good.
Hearing what everyone is saying helps me realise that it’s the new ‘normal ‘ to feel totally on my own. Even my best friend recently got a bit sharp with me when I said how scary it was being ill the other night totally on my own with no one to call for help. She said I ought to see a psychologist but all i needed was to be heard. And it’s normal to feel scared without the one person in the world who’s had your back over the years. At least here, we hear each other - thank you, everyone, for your honesty- it’s so refreshing!
Big hugs to you all x
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I got so very angry hearing that comment!
There was no question he’d want me to be so sad, so messed up, so destroyed! Goes without flipping saying!
And we us that is why he fought so hard to stay!
He said one night I can picture him saying it!
As we loved one another so much that is why it makes it so cruel.
Oooh I don’t know wish I could get off this hampster wheel of grief!
I just don’t get it!!! WHY!
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Thanks Anita, I’m actually in the middle of reading that very book. It’s very good and so refreshing. And my own sister and best friend said those very words to me so many times, as you say minimising the pain we feel.
I cannot understand why they would say this. So unhelpful! Some of it was said to me in the early days of deep grief and I really felt like I was being ‘told off’ and should pull my socks up. Awful!
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Absolutely right Absent. I feel the same as you. Ray knew I’d be a right bloody mess, I have his big photo in front of me and I can see him going ‘Aw Fi, do you want a hug’… oh how I wish he could do that. I’ve cried my eyes out looking at his gorgeous smile
As you say the love is so deep, how can we not be sad and distraught, it’s only natural!
Hugs to all of you who have to hear this total BS from gobshites!
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Dear Angie I am glad you’ve got an appointment I hope it helps. It’s understandable to feel frightened we become so reliant on our other half, to suddenly find ourselves alone is terrible difficult. I hope you find some comfort here
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Wishing you all the best Tom
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Dear Fiona, am so sorry! it is like people dump their rubbish on us and in the most hurtful ways! Fortunately with few exceptions my family have been for the most part OK and it;s been acquaintanceswho have said the worst things. It must be horrible when it is close friends or a sister saying thos horrid things. I agree, it is a great book and I felt so validated reading it. Wishing you a good evening!!
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My daughter told me off today, we run a pub restaurant b&b. I wouldn’t open up for a tourist with 2 extremely lardge dogs. My son said come on mum… I said what for a load of dog hair and a lime and soda? I told him your dad’s not here so I’m doing what I bloody well want to do. And you can all sod off! 
it’s been 4 weeks I can’t put on my public face on. Apparently I have to work, well they can repo the car, I’ve got another one. What they going to do shoot me? I don’t actually give a flying f**k anymore. My Micks gone, of course he wouldn’t want me to feel like this because he’d fix it. But he can’t and my life ended when his did. Our future gone, just gone. So waking up getting dressed before 1pm will just have to do for now. And if I don’t want to open up for tourist they can off load on trip adviser!!!
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And breathe!!
Hugs x
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I’ve been really down today, but reading your posts Absence has actually put a smile on my face. I’ve not answered my phone cos I know the script and am fed up saying ‘ok’ ‘fine’ etc I want to shout I’m not f’cking fine. Whatever you do, don’t change. Your wonderful attitude is so real and refreshing. Thank you 
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Let it all out Claire you are not alone. Sending big hugs.
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Tess
TessieH just tell them your not OK. It’s fine not to be OK. Just tell them functioning, or you can ask do you want the real answer? Or would you like the sarcastic answer? Just feel for you, not for anyone else. Who cares about the idiotic f**k witts? Big hugs.
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Oh I love this thread. Let’s offload and give them both barrels! Fed up of being polite to stupid sods!
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Well we are a different generation and there is nothing that describes it better than a good swear word!
I am now known for the ‘c’ word. My friends have brought me pens and a mug with it on, cause I say it all the time now!
Because they are so many c–nts that seem to be coming in my life. They can all f–k off with their pathetic, false well meaning, text book crap!
Was going to have number plate with it on but I am informed they don’t allow it!
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When I had some councelling I actually scared the poor lady with my unfiltering!
I actually started to feel sorry for her.
She was kind and didn’t chuck me out! But her face was of complete horror!
But I was there to let it out and I didn’t hold back. Plus I knew I had my six slots so made good use of it!
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I expect you felt better.
Ummm yer for that moment I suppose.
But finding it is a THING I have to live. No talking going settle my mind for too long.
I just go on a lope!
Decided I am just going to go mad! Bad and mad!
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Best thing I’m qualified councillor. This shit stinks. And anyone can linsen. But if you’ve not lived it, how the he’ll do you know?