Losing my husband to Covid 19

This is my first time on here. I was looking for anyone else who has experienced the same loss as me. My husband died in June with Covid 19 after a month on a ventilator. I am heartbroken as I thought he would make it. He had just turned 59. A healthy and loving husband. He left home on 30th April and I never saw him again. It is so cruel to be parted from someone who is dying. You don’t even get to say goodbye. I can’t accept it.

Hello Sheila, I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely husband. I am sure you will have some replies from others on this site with similar experiences.
My wife died suddenly in May but Covid was not involved so I was able to be with her at the end so I can only imagine the heartbreak of not being able to say goodbye. I quite understand why you can’t accept it.
It’s good that you have found this site and hopefully you might find some small comfort from reading and posting on it.
Take care, AL x

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Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry for your loss as I know exactly how you are feeling. It’s so hard to be the one left trying to carry on. I feel as if my future has just suddenly disappeared and I’m on a different path. x

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Hi Sheila, I am so sorry for your loss. There are plenty of people here, sadly, who have lost their partners, including those whose partners were a similar age to your husband, that will be here for you talk to. My dad died, to Covid 19, and it is very painful when you cannot be with them. We pleaded with the NHS trust to let us see him, as other NHS trusts were when patients were very sick and there was risk of them not recovering, but they refused until it was too late. I am very angry that they did not let you see your husband at all, by May all hospitals had enough PPE, they should have allowed you to go and visit him, even if he was on a ventilator and couldn’t hear you at least you could have held his hand and seen him, how could they deny you the opportunity to see your husband when they knew that there is a chance he might not make it?

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I understand what you mean by your last sentence… I’m living in this surreal world hoping that somehow everything will be sorted and we can return to normal… very sadly it is not to be and that is difficult to cope with.

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I think that’s why I can’t accept it. You never expect your partner to leave the house and never see them again. You wait by a phone every day for an update. You try not to give up hope because you love them and need them. Johns dad died 4 weeks before he did and I haven’t even grieved for him. I feel guilty about that. Life is so cruel. :disappointed_relieved:

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That is so sad that John’s dad also died. You have not one but two people to grieve for. Don’t feel guilty that you haven’t grieved for him properly yet, how could you, when John sadly also died.

Unlike you I did think we might never see dad again, as he was older, and had renal and heart failure. We phoned every day, and on some occasions the nurses would just put the phone down. I thought it was because they were so busy in hospital, when they finally let me visit, by which time it was meaningless, I saw the hospital was the queitest it has ever been. They were not busy. They had lots of PPE. It made me so angry they had not let us visit earlier, and I am going to complain. Your husband was younger and with no health problems, so you of course did expect him to come back. You have no idea how angry it has made me reading they did not even let you come and see him. That is so, so wrong. It must have been awful phoning each day just trying to get an update, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have family you live with to help you? There is also free online counselling available if you think it might benefit you, Sue Ryder provide this service, and Cruse provide free telephone counselling.

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Hi Sheila…
Im so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad to covid-19 in april, he spent 3 weeks in hospital, I thought he was going to get better but no, we used to call each other everyday, the only time I got to see him was via video call arranged by the nurses the day before he passed, I cant accept it either, not being able to go be with him etc… the pain is unimaginable, I have anxiety and depression from all of this, just know you are not alone, we are all in this together… I’m also so angry with how the government handled all this.

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Drear Sheila
I am sorry for your loss…
I know what you are going through. My husband was paramedic and he cought Covid 19 while he was at work… He passed away on April he was in ventilator 3 weeks… I am as same as you Sheila we hoped and pray he would get better and come home. But our hope was shattered and broken one morning.
4 month on I still can’t believe he has gone. So unreal everyday & night I cry. So lost without him. I know nothing can make you feel better but… Just wanted you to know we are here for you, you are not on your own…
Sending you hug
xx

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I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such a cruel way to lose someone especially being a front line worker. I keep asking myself lots of questions. Could I have done anything different to save John. I’m torturing myself. I just feel so sorry for all they will miss. Thank you for reaching out to me. It does give me comfort. Take care. xx

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I understand a little of how you feel, I lost my fiancé, my soulmate and my best friend in April, he went out to walk the dog and collapsed in the street and was gone before I got to him, he was taking away and they apparently tested him for COVID-19 which he tested positive, I don’t believe this to be the case, he had no symptoms and none of us have shown any symptoms as yet but they said he was positive so that meant no post mortem so I will never know how he died and I wish I had been in a stronger place because I would have fought for a post mortem because this cost me my chance to say goodbye, he had a direct cremation so as it was just into lockdown there was nobody allowed to be there and that breaks my heart, that he was alone and I am so so angry about that, I feel robbed

Hi honeybee. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your fiancé. It must have been a terrible shock for you. I think because you don’t get to see or speak to them again it leaves you feeling you have no closure. I still expect John to walk in. I’m just trying to get through each day. Thank you for sharing your story. Take care of yourself. x

It’s a horrendous feeling, I feel like I’ve been robbed, so sorry about your loss

Hi Honeybee 31
I am sorry to hear your loss of your fiance
I was reading your comment. Have you discuss with medical coroner in your hospital? They usually contact you and they discuss with you about it. And you can ask them if you have any questions…

It all happened at the beginning of lockdown so I’m thinking they really didn’t know how to deal with it, the doctor who signed his death certificate contacted me and told me because he tested positive they were unable to do a post mortem as it was unsafe to do so, which now I’m in a better frame of mind so to speak, I now want answers and with no post mortem I can’t get them and it makes me so so angry and I want someone to take responsibility as to why no answers because COVID-19 did not kill him. I can’t wrap my head around this and I feel like my life is paused :sleepy:

Hi Honeybee 31,
Firstly I am so sorry that you and the others on this thread find themselves on this site having lost a husband/wife/partner. My husband died suddenly last November and the impact of that devastating event on every aspect of life is impossible to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. It quite simply defies description, logic, belief and makes life for those left behind an ongoing struggle to comprehend. Ten months on I function but how or why makes no sense.
On the subject of your partner’s death certificate, is Covid the only cause of death given? Do you know if any reference was made to his health records before it was signed and if not why not? I appreciate how harrowing this is and some people choose not to go down this route but you may feel it might give you some answers to help you accept what happened and why.
When my husband collapsed without warning in front of our younger son it was diagnosed as a heart attack. At 64, neither young nor old, it seemed the obvious reason to the junior doctor who received him from the paramedics via ambulance at 11.00 on a Thursday evening in November. No-one listened to my son’s description of what had happened and a death certificate was issued with no post mortem being deemed necessary. For my sons and I this was unthinkable and it was the arrogance and total disinterest in my husband which spurred us on to request a hospital post mortem. It took another 11 days to secure this and a further two months to receive the report. I still cannot believe I have in my possession a very detailed report of my husbands post mortem! Unbelievably, no copy was sent to our GP as my husband died out of our area and there is no obligation to share information between health authorities.
The post mortem proved we were right to question the cause of death and revealed a condition for which my sons require screening throughout their lives. We have received an apology for what happened but the toll it has taken on us is indescribable. It hasn’t brought my husband back but we couldn’t let his death be treated in such a cold and callous way. If the system was going to reduce him to a statistic, it had at least to be an accurate statistic!
Sudden death creates turmoil on top of grief and life becomes simply a process of trying to put the pieces back together for those who are left. Anything and everything that might help should be tried and if you feel you need further answers, try and get them. The route I chose to go to get answers is not easy and my grief is as deep as ever but for me it was necessary.
I hope this helps if only to help you understand it’s quite normal to seek more information when the unthinkable happens. Take care.

I was his fiancée but his mother or his twin sister was his next of kin as they took great pleasure in telling me so I didn’t get his death certificate they did but the doctor who signed it phoned me to tell me it was available to be picked up so I asked if she could tell me how he died and she said she had registered it as Covid-19 that she had too, which my sister who is a registrar told me they were instructed by the government that all deaths were registered as that and many many people were cracking up as that wasn’t the case, it’s disgusting and I really believe this anger is stopping my grieving process :sleepy:

I agree with you entirely that not knowing very much affects the grieving process. I know it’s of absolutely no consolation at the moment but I do believe that when the inevitable enquiry into covid starts all sorts of issues around death certificates will arise. Even pre covid the system leaves a lot to be desired and medical examiners were starting to be brought in last year to audit death certificates issued in hospitals given concerns over their accuracy. after the Harold Shipman scandal I think many of us felt we lived in a country where this could never happen again. Although this is not down to an individual abusing the system in such an appalling way, there are still many flaws surrounding guidelines for doctors and ensuring those guidelines are followed. covid has overloaded an already failing system and I sympathize 100 per cent with your situation.x

Dear @Honeybee31, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so tragic. I hope you’re doing as well as you can be.

There’s a lot of misinformation about Covid-19, which is extremely distressing to many of us who have lost someone to it. Doctors were not told by the government to register deaths as Covid-19 being the primary cause if someone tested positive it, this is simply untrue, yet this myth refuses to die.

First of all, it was NHS England, with the CMO and Chief Coroner, who were responsible for deciding the rules. As much as I detest the government, and as much as they are to blame for so many deaths, they had nothing to do with changing the rules for death certificates.

Secondly, the test is for whether someone has the virus, and not whether they have Covid-19. Most people who have the virus do not have Covid-19. If the primary cause on the death certificate states Covid-19, then it means that the patient was displaying signs of the illness and the doctor believes that is what killed them.
If your fiance wasn’t displaying any signs of Covid-19, and then he sadly collapsed and died, and was then tested for the virus and the result was positive, then the doctor cannot put Covid-19 as the primary cause of death, because Covid-19 is a disease, not the virus, and the test is for the virus, and not the disease. The media certainly do not help, only today at BBC Sport they had an article where they had written that the Man City player Ilkay Gundogan had tested positive for Covid-19, when he had actually tested positive for the virus and he doesn’t have Covid-19.
If the doctor has put Covid-19 as the primary cause of death, yet your fiance had no symptoms of it, then the doctor has broken the law. The doctor should not have done this, the doctor should have referred it to a coroner, and you should contact either your PALS team or NHS England, depending on whether the doctor was based at a hospital or a GP surgery.

It is also untrue that post mortems were not happening because it would have been unsafe to do so. Again, if this did happen to your fiance, then the law has been broken, and you should again make a complaint about this.

The misinformation about Covid-19 is really distressing, can people please take care when they share things they have heard from others about Covid-19 but haven’t verified them. It would be really appreciated.

I really hope you get the answers you are looking for. My dad’s death certificate has primary cause as Covid-19, which really annoys me, as the primary cause should probably be medical negligence. Yes, he had Covid-19, but he was doing remarkably well to fight it off, and I believe it was medical negligence that killed him. It is awful, and I hope both you and I some day get the answers we need.

Kind regards