Losing my husband

I lost my husband in January to Covid 19. Paul started to have difficulty breathing and he was taken to hospital in an ambulance, I didn’t get to kiss him or say goodbye. He continued to deteriorate in hospital, he was on a CPAP machine and then put into an induced coma on a ventilator. His organs started to fail and he died, we couldn’t be with him. The guilt and grief I feel is overwhelming. We had been married for 34 years. We have a son but not other family and the loneliness is killing me. The home we worked so hard for is just a shell and we exist inside it. Nothing seems important any more. The physical ache in my body is unbearable, it feels like my heart has been torn out. I get up and go to bed but the rest of the day is a blur. Will it ever feel any better? I don’t want to forget Paul but want to be able to remember the good times not the trauma of his last weeks and his death.

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Mazda 1 so so sorry for your loss everyone here understands your pain, I lost my beloved Tim on 3rd Feb with COVID and I am also a broken woman who sobs day and night uncontrollably. The only advice I have been able to take is get through each day however you can sometimes that is too much I go hour by hour.

Big hugs

Quarter man thank you for replying. I am sorry for your loss and to read that you didn’t get your planned wedding, that is heartbreaking for you. I have to keep going for my son but it is very tough, nothing we worked so hard for brings me joy any longer, I would give everything to have Paul back beside me where he belongs.

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Hi lovely
I lost my hubby in November to covid. We had been together 27 years and feel.loat without my partner in crime. We were very fortunate to have been able to see him and be with him when he died and I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I am still broken but somehow I have days when I don’t actually sob now which is a positive. Take care my lovely, we can but be here and tey to support one another xx

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Hello SueE. Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss. It really helps to know I am not alone and also comforting to know you are now having some better days. It worries me that I will feel like this for ever. My stomach hurts and I feel anxious about everything. Stay strong and I hope your good days continue.

Hi Mazza1 & everyone else

I lost my husband to Covid in November last year. He suffered with Bronchiectasis and suffered an exacerbation and had to be admitted to hospital in September for IV antibiotics. He didn’t want to go in but we didn’t have any alternative and we hoped he would be safe but unfortunately he caught Covid in hospital. I hadn’t seen him for 3 weeks but was then called in & told he was end of life, my husbands lung condition meant he was not considered for CPAP or ventilation. I was with him for 4 days but then things changed and he was no longer considered end of life and I was no longer able to stay and they were going to try more antibiotics. However I then received a phone call 48 hours later to say things had changed again but my husband passed away before I got there.

I felt exactly the same as you, but now although I have a cry everyday I no longer sob uncontrollably.
I feel so guilty that he was alone and probably frightened but can’t continue to think about it, as I can’t change what happened and it just makes my grief so much worse.

I now have some sort of acceptance and feel a little calmer.
Christy

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Hi Christy. I am so sorry for your loss. It is comforting for me to know that you are feeling a little better and a little calmer. I worry that I will feel like I do for ever and the pain is unbearable.

Hi
I have had an awful day been sobbing and shaking uncontrollably for hours I’m having images of my babe struggling to breath and him trying so hard but I wasn’t with him this was my last FT has the ICU team then came to collect him. I can’t take this pain inside it’s unbearable so I also hope I will eventually learn how to cope

Big hugs

Julie

Hi Julie. I also feel guilty like you, I had Covid first and gave it to my husband. Every one tells me not to focus on things that I cannot change and me feeling guilty won’t change anything. Your Tim like my Paul knew he was loved and he knew you would have been beside him if you could. Don’t punish yourself with things that can’t be changed, focus on the good times and happy times and we’ll get through these dark days. Take care of yourself

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I feel for you so much, being in a similar position as from November2020. When death happens suddenly I believe you need proper help to get through it. You do need to go through it and relive it before you can get better. The French say you must empty you sack. So this means doing a lot of crying and talking it over with someone before you can heal. I shall think of you tonight. You must get a good friend who understands, maybe someone who has lost their partner too.
God bless you for tonight
Tricia

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Mazza1. I lost my husband of 27 years in January to covid, he was taken by ambulance I couldn’t kiss him goodbye as me and my boys didn’t have covid at that time. My hubby was on CPAP and was agitated by this, I think if I could of been sitting with him in hospital I could of calmed him down and put his mask back on for him , he became exhausted so was then placed on a ventilator, his organs packed up then they turned his machines off. The pain I feel is unbearable, its there all the time, I panic and I can’t believe I’m never seeing my hubby again. I just had 3 days of my hubby constantly twirling round in my brain, not concentrating on anything but him. Today I went shopping cried in the car on the way, got back home and I’ve felt numb ever since.
I have been sleeping on seettee downstairs but I’ve plucked up the courage to go back in our bed tonight.
I still takes hours to drop off.
Thinking of you all on here and feel a bit better reading comments alike xx take care everyone xx

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I am sorry for your loss. Thank you Tricia. It is so difficult because I have no close family and with lockdown I can only talk to friends on the telephone or doorstep. Paul was my support in situations like this and he has been taken from me. It would be comforting to talk to people who have lost a partner because they understand the pain and heartache. Thank you again for replying.

Amy49 thank you for taking the time to reply. Our stories are very similar, we both feel cheated that we couldn’t be with our partners in hospital. It was guilt for me because J had Covid first and must have given it to Paul but I am trying to forget the guilt and concentrate on the happy memories. Guilt was making me feel worse and not helping my grieving process. It is good you felt able to sleep in your bed again, it’s baby steps. Please send a personal message to me if you would like to chat, I have a few friends around me but only someone who has been through this can truly understand what it feels like.
Take care.
Marion

Amy49
Your story is also similar to mine and Tim’s the last two days have been horrendous for me I can’t cope with these pain inside and I am having very dark thoughts and this isn’t like me normally I am truly grateful our children are with me all the time,
I am so sorry you guys are feeling this pain,

Julie

Hi
I lost my husband too. I could not say goodbye either
They hurried him off to hospital where we were told he did not make it

Hi Gary54. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard not being with our loved ones at the end and I struggle with this every day. It would be the natural thing to comfort them and we were not able to. How are you coping? I feel like part of me has gone and the loneliness is killing me. Keep in touch if you need to chat.

I lost Gary-on nov 20th 2020.
He had a heart attack in front of me whist I woke up to horrendous noisy breathing.
He is gone and it’s not easy.
I have some family with me all the time
That helps a lot.
I am new to this forum
I am greatly sorry for your loss
It’s similar to mine as well.
I am told we will get through this. My only comfort is
I will see him again

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Thankyou for replying. I think I wrote to you twice sorry
Your story is so similar.
I am doing ok sometimes and sometimes I cannot sleep.
I hope you are doing better today

Gary54 You are lucky to have family around you, it must be a comfort. I have my son here but we have no other close family, just my brother who has early onset dementia. We feel so alone and completely bereft. My anxiety is getting worse, I was going walking with a friend today but not sure I can make it. I feel so cheated that our future together is gone. Take care and thank you for replying. Marion

Hi everyone, My partner of 28 years died 12 weeks ago, also of covid. Luckily I was allowed to be with him when he died, it was a shock as up until a day earlier he had been improving daily.
I don’t know how I have got to here really, so many ups and downs.
I’m still not feeling well but don’t know if its grief or something physical and also lots of anxiety.
I don’t really have any motivation to do anything, just make myself keep house tidy and nip out for a walk.
For me the loneliness gets worse, mornings or when I can force myself out of bed are the worse, knowing I have another day on my own.
I do have family who I talk to and see quite often but its just not the same.
Sat having a cry now and like you wondering and hoping that eventually I will be able to smile and maybe feel some happiness again.
Doesn’t feel like I’ll ever get there at the moment.
Love and hugs to you all. Xxxx

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