I slept terribly and have been sobbing since 5am. The funeral directors collected Tim’s suit yesterday I sprayed his aftershave on it and it has really devastated me he would of worn this suit to our wedding in June. Tim left me on 3rd Feb and I feel some of my family are wondering why I am still sobbing uncontrollably day and night. I am also scared to live without him he was everything he made me feel loved, safe and would do anything absolutely anything for me.
Hugs to you all
Quarterman It is such early days since you lost Tim so please don’t be so hard on yourself. You need to cry and do anything else that is necessary at the moment to get you through. I sob everyday but not constantly, little things like a photo set me off. We grieve not only for the person we lost but the life we lost with that person and as you were planning a wedding, it must be very traumatic for you. Look after yourself.
Hi Christine, your words echo exactly how I feel too.
Like your Richard, Geoff too worked hard to make sure we would have a good retirement. I’m so pleased he took early retirement and at least had three years of doing his own thing, he deserved it.
It looks like because of the things he did, I too will be financially ok and maybe even able to retire myself, I’m just so sad that we won’t be able to do all the things we wanted to do together.
Its just not the same planning any of those things on my own now.
Like you say we just need to keep plodding one day at a time.
Take care, Jacky
Hi jacky thanks for your reply
Like your Geoff my husband Richard only had a few years of retirement before he became ill We had lots of plans for the future Thankfully we had some time with our grandson to make some memories with him It’s so frightening without my husband I’m so afraid as time goes on I’ll start to forget him despite the photos I have of him and my memories On one hand it seems like the months have sped past since he died but then it also seems a very long time ago since it all happened I yearn so much to see him again it’s a physical pain I ll just have to keep going for his sake
Thinking of you
and take care
Christine x
Christine, it is a physical pain, I tend to feel nauseous and headachy most of the time.
I have photos everywhere and have started writing down memories as they come to me, like you, so I don’t forget.
I have begun putting things in a box, favourite magazines and anything that I find that reminds me of him.
It does seem like forever, but yet so recent.
I just want to talk to him and hear him say my name.
Hugs to you Jacky
Yes Jacky I feel all anxious and churned up inside
I’m doing all those things like you with the writing the photos. making album of places we have visited on holiday but it doesn’t bring him back or stop you being on your own I so wish I could see him again talk to him hold his hand feel his arms around me just one more time I wish I could turn the clock back and relive our time over again Other people with their husbands or partners don’t know how lucky they are Have you found anything that’s helping you ?
Christine x
Hi
Whatever you do, make sure it’s helping you.
Everyone has their own time to heal.
Maybe it’s too soon to rehash the past.
But If it gives you comfort then it’s benefiting you.
Comfort is a luxury in the dry times.
Cherish any comfort that you can get.
Try to live for peace and try to be where he would want you to be
Missing my heart too.
He is in a better place. Just not with me.
I realize we miss them so much because we cannot physically love them
So much of what you write resonates with me. The man I loved died on Christmas night after a week on a ventilator with Covid. No one could be with him. And I’d promised him I wouldn’t let him die in hospital, but of course it was a promise I couldn’t keep. Some things are just out of our control. The trauma and guilt and physical shock have just been terrible. But I have to believe those we love died knowing the love that surrounded them. Even if we couldn’t be physically present.
But it’s so hard, isn’t it, not to keep replaying those awful final days? I thought the pain couldn’t get any worse, but this last week has been one of the hardest yet. I suppose once the initial shock subsides, the reality of their absence starts to hit home.
I have no advice. I’m just trying to find small ways of getting through each day. Phonecalls with friends and long walks on which I look at the sky and cry and talk to him. And I’ve been writing to him too - sending him emails. And looking back over these emails can help in a way - just remembering how I felt on a particular day. And somehow it’s a way of expressing the love that I can’t give to him in person, which feels like the hardest thing of all. Sending all good wishes to you and everyone on here. I wish we weren’t going through this.
Thanks for all your kind replies
I don’t think making album of holiday photos is helping just the opposite I’ll try to see things from the point of view that my husband is still with me just in a better place free from pain I know he’d want me to be happy but it’s so hard It’s the day to day loneliness I’ve definitely been going through a bad period really struggling My husband also died from covid and he had to die on his own something that’ll never leave me I try to walk every day just to get out the house and texting and talking to friends. We all have to find our own way to keep going through this I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us
Christine x
Hi Christine, I don’t think I’ve found anything in particular that I can say helps. Even the things I have been doing with photos and writing down memories and the memory box, I can’t do some days.
Its as if I have to shut it out sometimes to allow myself to do other things.
I think we just have to do what feels right at that moment and not feel guilty whatever it may be.
Yes it would be lovely to be able to feel him holding me again, making me laugh, even making me cross. Just to be sat silently in the same room together, the things you take for granted are what you miss most.
Jacky
Hi jacky
I do agree that’s it’s all the every day things that you take for granted that you miss the most That’s exactly how I feel That’s why I want to relive our
life together and appreciate it all the more the second time around That would be my dearest wish it’s just so hard Thanks Jacky for your understanding
Christine x
I decided to look at our holiday photos on the laptop last night - I cried so much. Its over 5 months since Ian was killed in a RTA and I have not slept properly since then - looking at the photos made it even worse. Most nights I find myself thinking of Ian and his final moments. I often tell myself that if I had been able to see him at the hospital I could have perhaps urged him to fight to stay alive for me, our kids and our little grandson. An air ambulance attended the scene so in reality it was already too late, but this recuring thought keeps entering my head.
Like you and your husband we were looking forward to retirement. Ian had worked so hard to give us a wonderful home, holidays etc and at the point he should be looking forward to enjoying the rewards it has all been taken away.
I know that I will never get over his loss. The physical pain continues to be unbearable.
Thanks Sheila.
Yes it’s all so unfair I often wonder what was the point of it all It’s now that our husbands should be enjoying their retirements and all their years of hard work with us I know my husband would say he worked hard to provide for me but it’s now that we should be sharing this life instead of being on my own This makes me feel so sad I can relate to everything you say the pain is always there At least on here we can express our feelings from time to time
Thinking of you
Christine x
I am glad for this site. Our poor kids - struggling themselves - but also trying to somehow pick me up but do not fully understand that there is no magic potion that will get me back to the person I was before. That person no longer exists. I struggle on a daily basis.
Morning
I have just read the last few comments and as I sit here sobbing you tell my story not only were we retiring but getting married in June we just kept putting our children first. The last of our children is moving into a house next month with his girlfriend time we agreed was right to down size from the family home, retire and buy a small place in Spain live the dream we both have been working hard for.
My children are still taking it in turns to stay with me 24/7 but I know this has to stop eventually and I will be alone.
I am a broken woman that doesn’t know how to mend as you all are,
Hi Mazza firstly don’t blame yourself the fact that you couldn’t be with him at the end , he will understand that .This has been the situation for so many people .
The house you both worked for is your to continue making memories in ( that’s what I’m trying to do) .
I like everyone else on this site knows and understand how you are feeling as we have all gone through it or still going through it as for how long will it last. There is no time limit on grieving you take all the time you need and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise .
What makes it even harder at the moment is that we can’t meet with friends which at this time is what we all need .
This gave me the idea to put a post up about seeing who lives local to you and after covid make plans to meet up for a coffee , a walk or a chat as we are the best people to give each other advice and comfort my post is called just an idea it a way of making friends and we all need that and I don’t think we can have too many
Take care stay safe and keep chatting we are all in this together and here for each other x x
Hello Julie
Thanks for your reply. Yes life doesn’t always work out as we’ve planned I’m so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation aswell It’s so much worse than I could ever have thought possible If I’d ever thought about losing a husband or partner I would have thought you felt sad and then as time went on you got over it but it doesn’t work like that and you have to experience it yourself to know that It’s exhausting The sadness and loneliness with you all the time and so many regrets about what the future couldhave been if things had been different
Life goes on for other people but never in the same way for us I often wonder what the point was for it all to have happened I look around and see signs of Spring on it’s way another year starting up again and think why did my husband have to get ill and die last year because it hasn’t stopped life going on in other ways and now I’m on my ownHard to explain We have to try to be strong for each other and sharing our feelings here as only we can truly understand each other
Thinking of you take care
Christine x
Hi Kazzer. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I feel so lonely without Paul. We only had one son, he lives with me but spends most time in his room, he deals with his grief differently. We don’t have any close family, my brother is battling early onset dementia and was divorced by his wife, she and the children don’t speak to us. I feel so alone and feel like I have no future without Paul. It’s early days, but time won’t make me less lonely.
Your idea about connecting people is great. How long have you been on your own? How are you dealing with your loss?
ChristineM I read your reply to Julie. You wrote what I am thinking. Our grief goes on but people think we should get over it in a few weeks, we grieve for our partner and the loss of the life we had together. You are right about other people’s lives going on, everywhere I look there are families and couples enjoying their lives and I don’t feel like I have a life any more.
I have a son, he lives with me but is always in his room, I have no other family. I have a few friends but I feel so lonely and hate being alone. Life with Paul was so lovely, we’d been married 34 years and we were so comfortable together., I never felt alone. That life has now gone and now I just exist.
Jacky