On the 24th January i lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. He was only diagnosed on the 4th November. His last two months have been horrendous for both of us. We had been together just over 18 years and was married for just over a week. The last hour and a half of his life was so traumatic as he didnt want to give in. The only comfort for him and me were that we were surrounded by our loved ones right until his last breath.
This desease is so cruel as it gives no symptoms until its too late. He had advanced PC that had spread to his peritoneal. We were told at the start it was inoperable but chemo could buy him time. But due to complication after complication this wasnt possible in the end as he was too frail. He has a bypass operation to enable him to eat again but his stomach then stopped working which meant he had to be fed by an NJ tube into his intestine. Due to sickness he had an NG tubes inserted to drain his stomach. This meant he had a tube up each nostril which was extremely uncomfortable for him, but he never complained. Since he died i can only see and hear his last hours which is haunting me. I keep thinking he must be so sad how it ended and was there anything i could have done better. I keep thinking he must be lonely on his own and upset he cant come home. I am torturing myself with feelings like this. Has anyone else thought like this and how do you stop? Please help i feel i dont want to live without him.
Iām so sorry this has happened to you both. Iām sorry that you have had to join this forum but it is the best place to be right now.
I donāt have the experience of cancer but I do have experience of how you feel, the guilt, the what ifās. This is all part of grief. Grief is nasty and will drop into every corner of you and try and twist it.
The ideas of being with him will be strong right now. All I can say is the pain that is so raw and constant right now will ease. In time you will find a way to cope with it. I know that seems an impossible thought at the moment .
Take each day an hour at a time, donāt think to far ahead and keep reaching out. Thereās always someone to listen. We donāt judge so please even with your darkest thoughts, reach out x
So sorry for your loss
I lost my partner to metastatic colorectal cancer - stage 4c at diagnosis. She had her entire pelvic peritoneum removed during massive multi organ debulking surgery. I wanted HIPEC surgery done, but we never made it to that point once it spread to her liver
End of life process is indescribable - haunting as you say
Feelings of guilt are par for the course unfortunately and still agonize over āwhat ifsā 7 months on
There are no easy answers and from your post this only happened yesterday,
Everyoneās journey is different and thereās no play book
My coping mechanism in the early days was to meticulously keep everything in the house exactly as it was the day she died, and carry on as if she was just away for a little while - bought her favourite treats when I went to the shops etc
Try find something that brings you some sense of comfort - for lack of a better word
This is my first post and silly I know but I feel almost shy about postingā¦almost like as admission Iām not OK when Iāve been trying to prove to everybody I am OKā¦My hubby passed away in October from bowel cancerā¦he was only 58ā¦the last few months of his life were just horrendous and have left me with dreadful anxiety relating to my own health and simple things like routine screeningā¦unless youāve watched your loved one pass away from a progressive illness itās hard to explain how it affects youā¦I constantly relive his final moments but Iām hoping this will pass and only the good memories will come through when I think of himā¦I just miss himā¦even his cranky strange waysā¦he was a bit of a nagger but i would give anything to be on the receiving end of one of his moans right nowā¦
@Lid77 
sorry for your loss Lid, I canāt even imagine how horrific it is watching someone you love slip away, Iād found my partner passed away in bed, here one minute, gone the next, itās coming upto 8 weeks and the initial shock and fear of finding him is just starting to ease, not much, but slow, I can still picture seeing him lying in bed like he was asleep but only he wasnāt we didnāt live together but that day he wasnāt answering his
Phone or anything so I went to his, no answer, got the police to kick the door in and I remember running in thinking eeee heās fell over and I had this massive grin on my face to say sorry for the drama and police, I remember an officer attempting to stop me getting into his bedroom but I darted past her and she was saying Iām sorry etc and I still had a grin and saying sorry for what? Ran over to the bed, grabbed his arm and then the reality smashed me in the face of what was unfolding! I will never forget it, I immediately shut his bedroom window and totally ignoring the police, got into bed with him, coroner report only came last week and he had heart problem what he never knew about, 42yr old, I just cant believe any of it, and Iāve got horrendous guilt for not getting there sooner! I donāt know how long he had been lying there and coroner couldnāt tell me, Iām assuming a while, 
I was meant to stay at his the night before but we had changed it to another day during the week when I was off work and I was going to put his Xmas tree up and we were going to watch itās a wonderful life, cos it certainly was a wonderful life with him, itās not anymore
No oneās ok after losing a loved one, no matter the circumstances
The helplessness of watching the deterioration from a prolonged terminal illness to end of life brings itās own unique pre loss trauma, before you start the grief of loss journey
It is strange how their little quirks that used to sometimes annoy you, become most endearing traits that you miss the most
@Ang5
My partner used to force me to watch āItās a wonderful lifeā every Xmas without fail, no matter how much I moaned
Give anything to watch it with her now
@MemoriesOfUs when I feel a bit stronger I might watch that film as though heās with me, our favourite film was Dracula, the Gary oldman one, the quote from the film is ālove never diesā I will just keep telling myself that, and hope heās with me everyday, so sad and horrific about your partner itās so sad that weāre all on here for the same things, Iām amazed at how many people mention pancreatic cancer, Iāve seen quite a few, itās one of them what goes undetected for a while I presume, so scary isnāt it, the coroner said my partner had left ventricular hypertrophy, I immediately went on Dr Google, he had quite a few symptoms looking back and I feel more guilt on top of that! The extreme fatigue and the sweating! I should of been with him but the coroner pointed out there would of been very little I could do and Iād be blaming myself even more now had I been there and done CPR and failed, that is true! So maybe I wasnāt meant to be there then I doubt Iād ever get over that trauma! Iām finding this one hard enough finding him gone
@Ang5
My partner also loved that movie - vampire movies in general - one of the last movies we watched together, week before she died was Renfield
Yeah pancreatic is one of the worst and rapid
My partner had colorectal, which is usually a slow progressing cancer, but we only found out when it was Stage 4c
I also constantly think back over the 2 years prior to her diagnosis and was there a red flag I missed that could have saved her if Iād seen it. So I know full well the obsessive guilt and if onlyās
Hindsight is 20 20 - and coroner is right. My partner signed a dnr beforehand to avoid exactly that from paramedics, in the event that that situation had unfolded
My wife passed away on the 9th of this month and the pain is still unbearable, the loneliness still eats away at me and the emptiness is driving me mad. Today I collected my wifeās ashes and have spent the day driving them around to some of our āspecialā places. I know it sounds insane, and probably is, but I donāt care. Iāve been talking to her, just like she was in the passenger seat, and in some way it was almost like she was there.
Sorry for your loss - still very early.
Thereās no such thing as insane when dealing with this and you have to do whatever brings you some sense of comfort, however illogical it appears to outside world
Do whatever you need to, to cope
Stay strong
@Ian6 I collected my wifeās ashes, took her to the pub over the road from the funeral directors, sat her in a seat and had one last drink together. After 14 months or so, Iām still glad I did that.
So sorry for your loss your definitely not alone itās a horrendous thing we have to go through, my husband passed 1st May I had Bereavement councilling although it did some good like helping me go out meeting people the grieving hasnāt stopped. I write letters too him and put them in the memory box, my daughter and I are going to do a scrap book about him, I have problems with his chair they call it empty chair syndrome so my councillor told me to pack it with cushions which I have and it helps me, and I was told one day at a time also write down how your feeling . Take care there a lot of people out there just like you going through exactly the same motions as you I am one .
Thank you for your kind words, i feel like i am going mad still thinking Dave can feel and see me, wanting to be with me but cant. I think it is what i am feeling hoping that he no longer can
I may do that as Dave favorite place was the pub.
So sorry for your loss it, my husbandās battle with cancer was a short one too and I know how hard that is on all concerned.
@ellen23 i am not surprised that witnessing trauma has left you unable to cope and thereās no shame in this .
I didnāt witness my gorgeous man suffer , his heart randomly stopped beating and he was gone . I wasnāt with him , didnāt say goodbye and the shock has affected me mentally to the extent Iāve been sectioned into a psychiatric hospital. Actually since he died Iāve developed the most awful health anxiety and whilst I realistically know Iām ok , I suffer from so many somatic symptoms itās untrue . Losing our loved ones has a profound effect doesnāt it ? 
If losing my true love on wednesday isnt bad enough, my Dad attempted suicide last night. He is fine and back at home but how inconsiderate.
I have to register Daves death tomorrow and take his clothes to the funeral Directors. I dont know if i can take much more
@Lid77 oh no thatās absolutely awful for you . Iām sorry your husband has died itās heartbreaking isnāt it .
Also , I totally understand why you are angry with your dad . It does seem like a selfish act. What I would say is that as someone with significant mental health issues myself, that isnāt something you do lightly. I agree it has made things so much worse for you and no wonder you angry. It does seem like a selfish act but I promise you , whatever his reason, I know he would be in very poor shape mentally to do this . Take care xx
Hi
I REALLY am sorry for you loosing your husband, my wife of many years passed on the 9th of this month and it isnāt easy to handle, I sympathise with you greatly. However, I do feel that youāre being too harsh by saying your dad is āselfishā itās almost like saying he did it to add to your pain, which Iām sure isnāt the case at all. He no doubt has his reasons for trying to take his own life. I honestly feel sympathy for both of you, but please try to be more understanding regarding your father.