I am new here.
But my story is similar.
My beloved other half died in 2019. He was a strong all around 'mans, man’s.
I loved him.
He started to complain about some aches and pains which I put down to him having contracted shingles over Christmas 2018.
Jaundice had set in. And we went on that dance of not being in control of our lives.
Pancreatic cancer was diagnosed and a life saving operation was suggested…a whipple procedure!
But then we or I should say he went through with the gruelling 8 and half hour operation. He lived in agony and survived 5 months.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
A DNR was then placed on him
He died at home peacefully.
I believe I am suffering not from bereavement but from PTSD… as I can not cope. Even though I should be able to move on. I am stuck.
And I can’t erase from my mind what I saw/witnessed.
I’m sorry for your loss…
My partner also underwent a 6 hour procedure to remove and partially remove 8 organs affected by metastatic colorectal cancer.
She passed 8 months later after it had metastasised I to her liver, so can relate to the helpless witnessing of the deterioration and pain
I don’t like this concept of moving on - you don’t move on, the best you can hope for is to adapt, through necessity, and live life around the loss
There’s this fallacy that one day, with time, you’ll be able to flick a switch and things will be ok, and that creates an unattainable expectation
We all suffer from PTSD in some shape or form, particularly when you’ve had to watch the gradual and painful deterioration of your partner over a period
Be kind to yourself and don’t think there’s something wrong with you for not being able to move on - try the perspective of living life around your loss, not moving on with a clean slate.
I just don’t think that’s a realistic expectation
@dugaezero i totally empathise . I can honestly say I’m really not coping since the loss of my partner in January 2023 . My family is falling apart leading to little support, which really hurts me . My son has decided I’m a burden and due to some dreadful circumstances ( my housing situation is precarious) he won’t help me . I’m currently staying with my dad who is 83 and we are struggling. Both with practical things ( I’m mentally ill ) and emotionally too . I’m going to call the crisis team this morning as I can’t go on like this . It’s awful isn’t it when life simply falls apart . Our partner’s were always there for us and this is like an alien existence. 
@MemoriesOfUs i have severe mental illness and PTSD which has worsened considerably since my partner of 20 years simply dropped dead in a doctors appointment. I’m still in shock . This was in January 2023 and since then my life has unravelled.
I’m never going to get over it and agree that this is an unrealistic concept.
I am so sorry about your losses so very sad I too lost my husband we were married for 23 years but we were actually together for 51 years and I loved and still do love him to bits he was my life, I too aren’t coping at all he passed on May 1st 2023 of Acute Limb Ischaemia. I’ve had Bereavement councilling not long ago this helped me to actually get out the house speak to people but it doesn’t take the grieving away as sometimes I think I’m going backwards just can’t cope with his loss and loneliness my thoughts are with you
@Jennison1946 i too feel like I’m going backwards. My grief is so intense that I know I’ll never get over this . I miss him so much it hurts physically. The family issues I have on top of this are just making matters so much worse, but sadly my son doesn’t seem to care at the moment
I’m so sorry for your circumstances we are very similar I have a son who lives the otherside of town and don’t see much of him although I do stop some weekends, my daughter on the other hand lives 10 doors from me and apart from been invited to tea once or twice a week I never see her apart from texting she never pop’s for a cup of tea and I don’t thing I get much support from her at all she hasn’t grieved for her father neither likes talking about it, I need to talk about him all the time she is a Mental health specialist nurse for children, I know her work is very intense and exhausting but she can come over to be very cold and has told me she sometimes needs a break away from my situation as myself and her work are very draining. So I understand very much how your feeling as it’s so very hard getting through each day but if you need a shoulder to cry on I’m here for you as having Bereavement councilling and advice as helped a little and what I’ve learnt hopefully can help other’s you take care
@Jennison1946 goodness , aren’t these adult children completely and utterly selfish ? What I don’t like is the fact they expect everything in their lives to be 
to their satisfaction otherwise they simply ignore you , citing ridiculous things like “ needing space “ , “ boundaries being overstepped “ or some other such nonsense. As for your daughter not wanting to talk about the loss of her dad , my son is the same even though my partner was his step dad , rather than father . He just won’t discuss Baz with me . This small thing , like talking to me about Baz would help me enormously but still he won’t . It’s painful isn’t it all this grief
Hi…I completely understand.
I’m 4 years on and I had envisaged that I would be able to pay it forward and help other people in the same situation. However…
I did CBT the year after my husband died. This was during lockdown. My sons who live faraway were all supportive at the time and grieving the loss of their stepdad.
I tried really hard to occupy myself and did online courses and got back into work.
Then 2 years ago after a number of setbacks. I am in a worse position than I was .
I am having panic and anxiety attacks. I’ve put on weight due to my sedentary life. I fear meeting people and making new friends.
Two of my sons have lost patience with me and think I should havemoved on and get my self out dating!
That could not be further from what I want or need.
I’ve come off of the antidepressants because I just could not feel anything.
Desperately trying to find me again.
I’m in the middle of replacing my washing machine which is arriving on Wednesday. I should be happy but I’m not.
I cannot remember feeling such anger that I have to do this on my own. I do have a few special friends who are willing to help.
One of which today looked shocked when I told him I was do angry with Paul leaving me like this!
Tomorrow is a new day and I’m hoping I will feel better than I do now.
@dugaezero oh don’t worry ive sometimes been angry with Baz for leaving me in this mess - hardly his fault but I think it’s quite common. After passing the 1 year milestone I feel worse than ever . I’ve been under the care of the mental health services for many years . They are pretty useless actually. I have a setback in my life at the moment ( well a few actually) and I’m going backwards instead of forwards. My son got fed up with the support he needed to give me quite quickly- now his wife’s pregnant he’s hardly speaking to me . I see him once a week for a chat at my dad’s. My housing situation has changed and now I’m dealing with police trying to get control of antisocial behaviour going on in the flat underneath mine . This is dreadful and I’m trying to get moved but there’s little chance of this at the moment. It’s all very frightening and compared to how my life was with my partner, it’s dreadful. I miss him so much . I’m not dealing with this grief very well at all
We have a son between us but Pat my husband was my daughters step dad he brought her up as his own and she loved him to bits, if I talk about him she just sits there I get upset inside as its very rarely she talks about him and that is one thing I was told always talk about them even if you repeat yourself. Grief is a terrible thing and as you’ve said the only time they are interested is if they want something or something doing but I am here if you need to talk about your partner at anytime because you do need to talk about him you take care
@Jennison1946 Baz was my son’s stepdad for 20 years and I know Dan is hurting with his loss . He simply won’t talk to me about him which upsets me . Grief is so difficult- what also saddens me are the amount of posts where adult children tend to reject the parent who is left behind. I am puzzled by Dan’s attitude tbh . I moved to a small flat from our house we shared because there was too much to do for one and I can’t rely on Dan . The flat isn’t brilliant so I’ll probably look to move again at some point . Anywhere that doesn’t contain my beloved Baz will be an unhappy home , so I don’t think it matters too much where I’m living really . This is all so exhausting isn’t it xxx
It is exhausting I could actually scream sometimes I want him back that much and do get angry he’s left me but then I think would I want him too suffer like he did it’s so hard. I couldn’t sleep in the house for over a week then I got upset when I came through the front door so it was suggested I come in the back door that worked now I’m having trouble sleeping in our bed and have moved into front bedroom it’s the silly little things that upset you. I do hope you finally settle somewhere Baz will always be with you in your heart 
@Jennison1946 yes thank you he will always be with me . The reason why I moved from our house ( it was only rented) was that gradually I found I was going in less and less bits . I saw him everywhere and not in a nice way . I couldn’t go into the garden - I just saw him . In his shorts , floppy hat , drinking a bottle of beer smoking a roll up ….it got too much . I doubt I’ll really settle anywhere not for a while yet . What you’ve said resonated with me
I haven’t felt Pat or seen him in the house or garden, neither have I heard him I wish I could would make things a lot easier, the house is so quiet I have empty chair syndrome that’s the chair he always sat in so it was suggested fill it with cushions and put his photo there I did and after a while it upset me so now it’s just full of cushions and although I look at his chair every day it does feel slightly better with the cushions on it. It’s nice to be able to read about how other people are doing including yourself talking about things hopefully we can help each one of us to get through this terrible nightmare we didn’t ask for or deserve take care
@Jennison1946 i found it too upsetting seeing Baz everywhere in the house , it didn’t bring me comfort. I have to visualise him in my mind and in my memories. This is why it doesn’t really matter where I’m living and with the house being rented I could have been given notice then had to leave anyway, so I didn’t want to rely on my memories being there .
That empty chair syndrome sounds horrible. Would it be easier for you to move it say to a spare room out of sight ? It sounds like it doesn’t comfort you , more the other way actually. There were certain things if baz’ that freaked me out - for instance I couldn’t bear looking in the shed and seeing his gardening clothes . Weird I know . I don’t really know what the answer is . I mean do we stay and suddenly get ambushed by objects that cause distress or like me , do we. I’ve for a fresh start and still feel absolutely bereft . I don’t know xxx😔
I am the opposite, i sit in Daves chair and sleep in our bed as i feel close to him. I cant stop sniffing his clothes and pillow. I have tided his draws and wardrobe as now isnt the time to remove things. I love looking at his picture. I dropped his clothes off yesterday at the chapel of rest so just waiting to see when i can go and see him. I am under no illusion that having to walk away from him again is going to break me, but i do need to touch him one more time. I am taking a valentines card with me as i never got to send him one with husband on it.
@Lid77 ah you are at the very early stages , which is so difficult. At first I thought I’d be able to stay in our house but as time went on it became more difficult. I didn’t move for many months (10 ) and now I’m not sure it was the right decision. At the time I was overwhelmed by so many things and I’d been taken into a psychiatric hospital. I didn’t have enough help and support to do all the practical things . My son was unwilling. I couldn’t see a way forward so I moved . The flat is more manageable, I have Baz in my heart and in my memories and that’s where he will stay for ever . Take care xxx
You yourself do what you think is going to be best for youself that’s your way of coping and trying to move on, myself like you certain things effect me I can’t listen to music anymore songs that didn’t matter have meaning to them and upset me Pat my husband loved heavy rock he always said a house isn’t a house without music and here I am can’t even listen too it and yes certain things do upset you. But know matter were you go he is always with you in your heart and memories, my daughter and I are going to do a scrap book about Pat were not going to make it sad, on the front it says Once Upon A Time and we are going to put photos of him from when we met got married his life all with words written above as he was so dry and funny but he also could be very grumpy and miserable and it hopefully will be something to look back at in time. As I have said anytime you want to talk about Baz I am here and it will do you good as in your own way you are helping me just by listening too me go on you take care
@Jennison1946 your husband Pat reminds me a bit of Baz . Baz was a northerner and he moved to Wales to be with me . Our bond is irreplaceable and our live move will live in . He loved rock music but like you , I still can’t really listen . I think the life we shared had somehow tainted my experience of trying to live in our house on my own . The pain of the silence crushed me every day and I couldn’t seem to shake this off . I was terribly lonely there and I felt very lost even though it wasn’t a massive house . I’m still lonely now and will always be until I fix my relationship with my son . Even though he’s unsupportive, rude , cruel and disrespectful I miss him around . I’m ready to forgive him and desperately need to speak to him but he says no phone calls in the week - what can I do ? He’s working right now but I miss my boy . We used to be so close and he was so. Lose to Baz , that I know he’s hurting too . Gosh I’m rambling now aren’t I . Take care of yourself xxx