I lost my mum just yesterday, November 18. I was in school when I started feeling something was off because my mum is the type of person to call me everyday, but she didn’t the day prior to that. I tried reaching her line, but it kept telling me the number was unreachable. So, I reached out to my dad and my sister and they all played it cool. And when I asked about my mum, they said she went to work. This prompted me to call someone who works with her, however, the person told me they were not at work yet and when they get to work i’d be called back. They did not call back. I started getting scared at this point. I already had a premonition something bad happened to my mum, so I questioned my sister directly if she was dead, but she told me no and I should focus on school.
I did not take to that advice though.
My dad called afterwards, and asked if I was free to start coming home or I could come over the weekend — this was when it started dawning one me that something bad happened. That was when the tears started forming before I broke. I have a roommate, but she wasn’t home. My sister called my roommate to come back to the dorm. My roommate called me immediately and told me I should wait for her at the dorm, so I told her I would. But at this point, my tears were uncontrollable. I knew she was dead.
I was convinced she was.
The moment my roommate came home she consoled me and said nothing was wrong with my mum. I wanted to believe that. I really wanted to. I really did. My dad and my sister told my roommate that I needed to be sent home. At first, they did not want me home even though they were the ones who brought it up, but I insisted. I needed to know what exactly was wrong.
So, a driver was sent to come pick me up. I tried to stay calm and wish for the best, especially since I got numerous calls; some from my mum’s friend and some from my sister friends all telling me that nothing was wrong with my mum and she was just at the hospital. That calmed me down a bit. At least with faith there is still hope of life.
The moment I got home, only my step-mum and my dad were home. Not even my sister was. This was when I started to break again. The tears I thought I could control became a dam. I asked where my mum was and no one said a thing. After crying for what seemed like hours, my step-mum decided to take me to where my mum was even though my dad did not want her.
It was an hospital.
My sister, one of my brother, and my uncle wife were there in the room she was placed in. My mum was poked with IV and was placed under a heart monitor. It was obvious she was in a critical condition, barely holding on for life. But… at least she was not dead, that was what I thought. I spoke to her a bit, but I doubt she could hear me since she was unconscious. I placed a kiss on her head and told her I love her. I always did and I always do. The moment I did, her heart spiked and she tried talking and her heart monitor kept beeping like one would see in movies. It did not feel real. I don’t know. At this point, things were happening in a blur. I was taken outside. Doctors went in, so did my sister and my step-mum who took me to the hospital against my dad’s wishes.
I sat outside with my brother. Even did a facetime with a friend who I told my mum was still alive. It didn’t take a while for the doctors and nurses to come back outside. The brought out one of the machine that was attached to my mum. My step-mum came out shaking, she was trying to gesture something to my brother. At this point I already knew. I hung up the phone and said nothing. My sister came out with red eyes and this was when it really dawned on me. That I lost my mother. I do not know how to describe the pain. I think cutting myself or burning my skin wouldn’t hurt this much. I want to go with her so bad. She was and is the love of my life. The best mother who would go through heaven and hell for me and my sister, and i’m not even joking.
It’s been a day, less than, but it feels like only a second has passed. Her dead body is now in her room, about to be buried at the back of our house in the next few hours. I can’t stop shaking because I can’t believe I would never get to talk with her again. She calls me everyday. Pesters me everyday. The only one who tells me she loves me everyday. I do not think I can heal, and frankly speaking I do not want to. I just want to go with her because I do not think I can leave the rest of my life without her.
I’m 22. In my final year of uni. I had plans for my mum. Big ones. Now, going to school feels vain. Like a big waste of time. I don’t feel like lifting a finger anymore and i’m only writing this because writing has always been my way of expressing my feelings. I can’t say I feel numb because I haven’t stopped crying since she left me.
I just want to see and hug her again. Want to hear her tell me she loves me. I want to tell her I love her. This feels like my personal hell because she was always and obviously my favourite parent.
I don’t want to live without her.