Hi. I lost my partner of 17 years on Wednesday and I’m completely heartbroken and lost. I’m 38 and honestly thought we would grow old together. I don’t know what to do now he’s gone. We had so many places we wanted to travel to, so many plans and now he’s gone. It was so sudden, literally one minute he was fine then he just collapsed and died. No warning, no chance to say goodbye, just gone forever 
I’m broken. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without him. I’ve lost many people in my life including my mother but the loss of my partner is going to be the worst thing I have ever been through. He was my partner and my best friend. He was the only person in the world who knew my deepest thoughts, my fears my regrets. He knew me better than anyone ever has in my life. Friends and family are around now but they don’t really bring much corfort at the minute. That sounds like a terrible thing to say but I’m just being honest. I don’t know what I’m hoping for by posting this to be honest,
I am very sorry to read of your loss @LostLil and totally empathise. I’m almost double your age and lost my wife of 49 years eleven months ago. We had our plans too and like you there was little warning, no chance to say goodbye or all those words that I could have spoken when she was alive to hear them.
A childhood sweetheart, lover, mother of our children, wife and best friend; gone, just like that.
It’s an emotional journey that no one can understand unless they’ve experienced it.
I think, we post to support groups like this because it gives us a certain relief, I know I find it quite cathartic, although I rarely post, more often add a 
to another’s
I wish you comfort in your sorrow. x
So very sorry to hear about your sad and so sudden loss. You’ll find support and understanding on this site. We are all grieving and know how you feel.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hopefully this forum can provide some corfort. I think talking about it with strangers might be better for me because I can be completely honest with how I’m feeling. Also I know from other losses that everyone is around for a while after a death but people have their own lives and families to get back to and I’m dreading the loneliness I’m going to feel when everything returns to “normal” not that my life will ever feel normal again 
@LostLil The loneliness you feel is the loss of your loved one. You will find you are surrounded by family and friends but feel a terrible internal loneliness. This is felt by all of us here, especially at first. Love and support xx
I am so sorry for your loss, and at such a young age, too. It’s tough to come to terms with this, I know, but the love you shared together will always be with you, you will always feel him by your side, guiding you along. I get by thinking this way, it may not be the same for everyone, we all grieve in different ways, but I will always think of my husband in the present, not the past, he’s still with me, even if not physically. He was taken away suddenly too, a heart attack, out of the blue, two years ago, he was only 57,fit and healthy, a very active person, always occupied doing things.
We all understand what you’re going through, this site provides a release for us, sharing with others. You’re right that it’s easier to express our feelings to strangers, and it’s definitely much easier to share with others who have lost their soulmate. We can empathize and relate, it won’t take the pain away, but will be more manageable and help you accept what’s happened, providing support and an understanding shoulder to cry on.
Sending you lots of comfort and strength.
@LostLil
I’m so sorry you have had this terrible loss and so young too. The suddenness is something I had when my darling husband died last April. He went out to play his regular football and never came home. No warning, no illness or sign that he was at risk of a coronary embolus; slim, strong and fit.
I also completely understand how you don’t feel that others around you are much comfort and I believe some of that is the fact that they cannot comprehend the enormity of the loss, I certainly didn’t until it happened to me. Here you are amongst people who do just ‘get it’ as we are all in the same boat.
There is no right or wrong in whatever you feel or do. Listen to your emotions and your body and do whatever feels right to you. Listen to others but take on board only that which helps YOU. We are all different in how we cope. For me, keeping busy and having purpose is key. The acceptance that it is real was my first hurdle because until I did that I keep wishing and hoping and going through the ‘what if’s in my mind.
I find grief is exhausting and I am regularly more tired than I used to be. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much, especially in the early days.
Lots of people will be here for you when you need us.
Hugs
Karen xxx
@LostLil im so sorry for your loss, sadly there is nothing anyone can do, im 48 and lost my husband whom was my whole world just over 3 months ago. Nobody can tell you what to do whatever you do is right for you sadly you are only at the beginning of an horrendous journey that sadly is going to get worse before it gets better but im sure your sick of people saying this but you will get through it and it will be the worst thing you have ever been through but remember you had a love that was amazing and was worth it good luck xxx
How are you today? I lost my partner on 29th Jan, fit, healthy, laughing, having a normal day out riding his bike with friends and it’s as if he was just switched off. The shock is the worst at the beginning, it’s so sudden and no time to process it. I’ve been where you are now.
Family were around and it was overwhelming. For me, I cried when I needed, I screamed and shouted and let out the fear and frustration. He was my best friend , we did everything together, we had a plan, we had a 3 week European tour in our camper planned! Wtf, he wasn’t supposed to die but he did and I’ll never understand why. It does get easier, I have terrible days and not so terrible days.
I started a diary so I could write down everything I wanted to tell him. It helps me.
What people say to me doesn’t help, he’s still gone, he’s still not coming back but I know that he would not want me to spend everyday in a desperate state and I know he will be really pissed off that he had to leave me! He wouldn’t have chosen to do that. He had no choice.
It’s a mind field of emotions and you will find your way when you are ready. I promise it will come. I was you 9 weeks ago.
I’ve still a long way to go but I’m better than I was. Ali
Hi @LostLlil and @Ali29, i too lost my partner recently (it will be 4 weeks on Wednesday this week). He was relatively fit, rode his bike regularly and was out with me riding his bike when it happened. Sadly I am a little bit of a slower bike rider than him and when we got to one of our meet points he had collapsed (cardiac arrest). I was useless, what followed was horrendous (paramedics, police etc.), he eventually was rushed to the local hospital and then urgently transferred to another hospital where a few days later he very sadly passed.
I am blaming myself for what happened and I am so angry as we were so happy and had so many plans (we should have been on holiday now at one of our favourite places, he was going to retire this year, we had finally talked about getting married and had other plans too, the list goes on). Now none of this will happen and I hate myself for us not doing things sooner.
Close family and friends are trying their best to support me but even this gets to me as I feel that as much as they are trying they really don’t understand how I feel. I’m finding it hard seeing other couples so happy. I don’t understand what I have done so wrong to deserve this. I never thought that things would work out like this, I thought we would grow old together. He was my soulmate and best friend, we knew each other inside out and now I totally lost and feel so alone.
Donna
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose your life partner. We were the same, always together like an old married couple. He was so fit, we would go out walking most days, locally after work in the week but we would ho further afield on the weekends. Just three weeks ago we walked up PenYFan, he breezed up there no problem, he was so fit and that’s the thing I’m struggling to get my head around the most. How can someone so fit and strong just die like that? It’s just not fair. Two old ladies in the street came to visit me yesterday and they are sisters in their late 80s who can are not all that good on their feet and all I could think is why has he gone when other people seem to go on forever? Horrible thing to think but it’s just not fair.
I really like the diary idea. One of the women from work messages me every day to see how I’m doing and tells me anything funny thats happened in the day, she told me something yesterday and my first thought was to tell Jeff because it’s something we talked about often then the realisation that I’m never going to be able to do that again felt like a punch in the guts. I broke down. Maybe to be able to write it down will bring some comfort. It’s going to be the chats in bed with him whilst having a cuddle that I miss the most. We shared the same sense of humour l, found the same things funny, enjoyed doing the same things. I could read him like a book after all these years, he was so predictable. We just fit so well. I’ve never got on with anyone the way I did with him and I just can’t believe that I’ll never have that again. I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope. I wouldn’t change anything though even if I knew the outcome there’s nobody in this world I would have rathered spend the best years if my life with than him. I love him so much
@LonelyLady it is incredibly hard at the beginning. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away the pain but you have to walk through it. Life is unfair and like you, I never thought this would happen to me and he didn’t deserve to die, he had so much life in him and so much to live for! I share my grief with his family and mine and his best friend who’s loss is as great as mine. I also thought I would feel him around me and I don’t. Nothing is easy but just do the best you can when you can. Take it easy!
@LostLil I feel all those emotions. Ditto to everything you said, we were the same. I will miss him greatly every second of every day. But I’m incredibly grateful for so many things too. I experienced a love some only dream off, he made me laugh every day, he helped shape me into the strong woman I am and he always put me first.
Although he died suddenly and it’s painful for me, I am grateful that he knew nothing about it, I’m grateful that it was a sunny, fun day for him and he spent the morning laughing and having a great time. If I could have chosen a way for him to go, that was perfect. I just need to sort out the one left behind. Me!
I don’t feel him around me either Nothing at all. It would bring me so much comfort if he could give me a sign to show me he’s here. I keep feeling guilty about his death. They were doing cpr on him and I wasn’t even aware of anything happening at that point, we worked in the same large building and the first aiders were doing cpr until the ambulance came. When someone did tell me I was told he’d fainted and two of my colleagues were keeping me well back so I wouldn’t see it and I was so scared but absolutely convinced he’d be ok so I didn’t go to him. I was just stood there while they were working on him. They worked on him for about 40 minutes and I only held his hand when they told me they were stopping and asked me if I wanted to be with him as they removed the equipment. I feel so guilty for that.
Hi @LostLil so sorry to hear of your loss. … What is it with fit and healthy men and bikes ??? My husband was 69 and we thought fit and healthy … he went out on his regular 12 mile route one monday morning, had a cardiac arrest and never came home again. … that was almost 10 months ago and I can still relive that day and do regularly when i close my eyes. The shock is horrendous, so try and be kind to yourself … you did nothing wrong, but you will feel its all your fault … you will wait for him to walk in the door and sob at the end of the day when he doesnt … all completely normal. I can tell you from experience it never goes away, but you do learn to adapt and live around the pain and sadness.
After 10 months I can now go out again, but prefer not to. I hate seeing happy couples out together … and even more so bickering couples, I want to just tell them to stop and appreciate what they have, but of course I don’t.
Take care, pm me if you want to talk
I think guilt is all part of the grief. I feel guilty just for being alive. I see a lot of similarities in all our grief, feelings and emotions. It sucks, it really does!
There’s no escape, you just keep walking through it. I can’t think of the future, I live in the now. The future hurts. I just get through each day, hour by hour. I didn’t think I’d get to 9 weeks but I have.
Thinking of you. Keep taking small steps !
The future scares me to be honest. Just the thought of living in the home we built together alone. He was such a loud person, always talking, teasing, taking the mick, his awful whistling and even worse singing around the house and now all I hear when I’m alone is birds. The silence is unbearable and the world is a much lonelier place without him. It hasn’t even been a week yet so it’s only going to get worse.
Yes, my Rich was the life and soul of everything and there is a big void now. I feel when I go anywhere with family or friends, I will always highlight his loss, just by being there without him. He had such a great laugh! He was so funny and full of life. He had so many people at his celebration of life, he touched so many lives. I miss him loads.
The early stages are so hard and so raw! It does improve, it’s not so overwhelming now but still hurts a lot. I will never get over the loss of Rich but I am getting used to him not being around. I still forget and expect him to walk through the door. I did get to see him at the coroner’s and glad I did. Rich wasn’t there, his body was but nothing about Rich was in that room. Rich believed once we died, that was it, there’s was nothing after but I still wish for a sign to know his still about. I’m still waiting !
@Ali29 im so sorry for your loss 
im quite spiritual and was absolutely heart broken after my husband died in December as i was sure id feel him with me, but i think i just shut down but i feel him with me always now which i find very comforting, you will feel him and im sure he will let you know he is always by your side. I know it sounds nuts but i truly believe that my husband is going through exactly the same as me and grieving and they also have to adjust, since i lost my husband ive jumped into reading about the afterlife with both feet and find in amazing and hugely comforting good luck on this horrendous journey take care xxx
Your Rich sounds so much like my Jeff. We are going to wait to see Jeff in the funeral parlour after his post mortem so he will be in his cormfy clothes and hopefully look more like himself. I’m terrified of going to see him but know I’ll regret it if I don’t. I’m scared to look at his face and to feel his cold skin but I really want to hug him and speak to him and give him one last kiss. I just hope he looks more like himself because when he passed and he was lying on the floor waiting for the police to come he was a horrible colour, his lips had completely disappeared and his eyes were open and bloodshot, he didn’t look like himself at all. He looked scary and I can’t forget that image. If he looks more like himself this time I will get some corfort from that I think. Jeff had the same attitude towards dying, when you’re gone you’re gone. I used to as well but I’m desperately wanting a little sign that he’s around me now. I just really need to know he’s at peace. I just wish he could give me a little touch on the cheek or something just to say it’s ok. It’s so bloody hard