It’s incredibly difficult I do understand and feel your pain. It’s so very real and I get it! Just a sign, just a touch, just to hear he’s laugh! I watch videos of him all the time. He wasn’t great at letting me video him or take pics lol so I’m grateful for the ones I have!
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Oh gosh, exactly the same with Jeff. Hated his photo taken and I hate mine done. The only photos I have are of us on rollercoasters when we have been on holidays. We have got a Ring! Video doorbell at the back of the house and I’m soo grateful for that. I’ve been looking through the clips and I’ve got a few with his voice on, one was him giving me a row because I’d mixed the recycling up 
Another was the two of us pegging the washing out on the line, most are just him coming in and out but they mean so much to me right now 
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@i understand everything you just said but sorry I cant help you. You are not alone
@LostLil If that helps ???
@LostLil . Oh my word only days in and we all know the pain you’re feeling, lm 4 months in and still can’t stop the agony. ""For me, I cried when I needed, I screamed and shouted and let out the fear and frustration. “” this is what lm still having to go through. You must follow your needs and go with it despite what you or your neighbours think, don’t hold on to it, it will only make it worse.
Shakespeare wrote:
“Grief not released will break the heart to get out”
On friday just gone it got so bad l went back to bed 9.30am and in all stayed there til sunday morning, its my only haven.
Just remember you are not alone, we are all here for the same reason.
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@Amanda111 thank you. I have always been spiritual too and believed that’s why be it’s such a shock to not feel him. I do agree, I think wherever he is he’ll be just as shocked and devastated as me.
Have me reassurance to hear you feel your partner now x
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@Ali29 dont worry he is right next to you and you will feel him. im sure it was about 5 weeks after i lost Michael that i seen him next to my bed and after that i felt him amazingly strongly to the point when he came i used to say to friends oo Michael has just came in and is right next to you( used to get some very strange looks ) but i find when i get really upset i dont feel him at all. I do talk to him alot with a pendulum which is very comforting he can do amazing things with it sometimes but again it all depends on my emotional state 
life is just shit good luck and take care xx
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Feel like I’ve been hit by an earthquake and everything after is like after shocks. As a friend said to me, after shocks will stop and then there will be calm.
I’ve just collected my man’s ashes 
This is all so surreal!!!
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@Ali29 I have a small glass tube filled with some of my Sues ashs and her wedding rings around my neck I never take off and I keep holding her next to my heart.
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That’s nice idea. Just realized it’s only 7 weeks since Rich died, thought it was 9.
@Ali29 My Sue (China Doll) passed on Sunday 15 Jan 2023 and every day now seems worse now everything is done and the nights are so long God I hate the nights now.
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@LostLil I am so sorry at least my Sue was in Hospital and they let me stay for 8 days and nights next to her holding her hand and singing her Fav 60s songs softly just stroking her hair my Sue loved that it used to bring her out of the bad fits when I just held her softly. Its so unfair why does god pick on us there are so many bad people in this world and please dont tell me he wanted another flower for his garden I know what I would like to do with gods garden. Sorry if I seem bitter But I am. I hope one day you can find what you need
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Haha, I think we both feel the same about gods garden to be fair. I’m bitter too. I don’t know how anybody wouldn’t feel bitter. Oh that’s lovely that you got to spend that time with her, holding her till the end. At least she would have felt you with her. I’d have given anything to have that with Jeff. Just some time to hold him and speak to him and tell him everything I loved about him. I just hope he knew. Today has been the hardest day so far, I’ve been so emotional today. It’s just day five for me so I know it’s only going to get worse.
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I dont think it will ever feel real, i still just wonder round the house as if im looking for him its just awful and i now feel worse then i did when he first died but i think that is now the realisation of it all i find myself going through hours of videos trying to find his voice cos i cant remember what he sounds like its truly heart breaking and i generally dont think anything thing can help we just have to hope that we will feel better at somepoint which absolutely scares the pance of me as i feel worse and worse every day and i think its cruel to expect anyone to live feeling like this but sadly we have to just plough on and pray it gets better sorry to not offer you any good news but there just isnt any xx
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Oh I’m so sorry 
I know thats exactly how I’m going to be too. Most of his family went back to work or school and college today so it’s been much quieter. Do you see many people throughout your day? Do you go many places now? When his father passed away his mother took over a year before she started doing things again. He would always say to me how much it upset him to see her like that because his dad was never coming back. We’d say to eachother all the time that if it was one of us we’d want the other to carry on because nothing could change whatever had happened. We said it and meant it at the time but now it’s actually happening I just can’t imagine enjoying life again. He’d say to his mam she should do solo holidays but what’s the point in that? Going to another country and sitting there feeling just as lonely as you would at home.
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@LostLil What can I say to help you Lil some days you see a glimmer of light but it goes dark as I reach it. But please just remember you do not walk this road alone you cant see us but we are there beside you ahead of you and behind you. You’ll never walk alone. I don’t know if this helps but it all I’ve got at this moment so much lost love its heart breaking. Dave
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Hi @LostLil me and my husband ran a business together which was his baby really i just helped him, so ive been here everyday since he died which i hate but to be honest im gratefull for it now as it forces me to get up in the morning, im also going away on 8th April on my own, which is my birthday only for 4 days to a majorca where we regularly went together which im absolutely dreading but i tell myself every morning what i think i would say to a friend if it was happening to them and i try and take my own advice my husband was only ill for 10 weeks before he died but ive never stopped since he was diagnosed in September and i know im not well i have a lot of pressure in my head and feel really dizzy all the time so i know i need to rest which im hopefully going to do but i find that very hard to believe now i think ill just spend 4 days crying in a different country but i have to try as i know i cant go on like this for much longer xx
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Oh I’m sorry I put it like that about solo travel. You should be so proud of yourself for giving it a go. I hope you enjoy it and you feel he is there with you. Travel and weekends away were really important to us, we hadn’t been abroad since Covid because the added faff of tests etc then my passport ran out but hada few long weekends in the UK. I have the passport forms here filled out ready to renew because we were going to book a Norwegian ffords cruise in August or September, we hoped to go to Orlando next year. Orlando was one place he’d always wanted to go and I’m gutted he never got around to going.
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We have a campervan and planned to do so much I dread the thought of going on my own but one day I will. Don’t apologise for no good news, I don’t think there is any in death. Not when you love someone so much, it’s painful beyond belief. My heart physically hurts from heartache. In time I hope to remember the good times because there was loads of them. Loads of happy, funny days with a man who never took life seriously and always had a smile on his face. Life is cruel and some days the pain is so great I think it would be easier to die myself but then I couldn’t inflict this pain on my kids and family!
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Feeling for so many of you on here @Ali29 @LostLil @Amanda111 @Dave13
Like so many of you the loss of someone so dear and such fun to be with is a huge wrench. Richard also had an amazing sense of humour too and was so quick. I was writing in my diary a few nights ago and wrote ‘Love you loads,’ which then sparked a memory of when I sent him that message one day. His reply ‘Love you too but stop calling me Loads, well endowed will do.’
I just loved his sense of humour and miss that as well as the look of love in his eyes as he looked at me. That’s something I couldn’t ever get a photo of as it was only the look directly at me so it has to simply live in my memory.
He too had been happy and full of life just hours before his death, for which I’m grateful but it did make the unreality of it massive.
Sending love to you all
Karen xxx
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