Losing my wife 5 weeks ago

My wife passed away in hospital on the 22nd August during a routine op due to a negligence by a surgeon, she was 48. I have good days and bad days but the bad days are increasing coping with the memories, loss and yearning to be with her. I don’t feel like doing any harm to my self but when I get upset I want her so much I imagine that if I had a button to stop my heart I would press it just to join her. I have 2 children to think of (19 & 21) and I also have to go through prostate cancer without her, my op was on the 9th October but I am postponing it until January as I couldn’t cope going through with it at the present time, hopefully I will come through it but at the moment it’s so hard.

Hi Jason,
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Life is so unfair sometimes, your wife was so young. My husband died April 2018 very sudden he was 67. I do find it hard to get up in the mornings but I have a job to go to so that is why I get out of bed. Going home after work is very hard as once I put that key in the door I am on my own. Also I have 2 children but feel they have their own lives to lead so I do not want to burden them. I find this site very helpful as there are other people going through loss. All I can say to you Jason is take very good care of yourself and one step at a time. Ann x

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Hi Jason,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Many people find that after the first few weeks, it actually feels worse - you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. I know that probably doesn’t help you feel any better. My 2 kids were the glue that held me here even when I didn’t want to be. I can’t imagine how terrible it must be to be coping with your grief, and a cancer diagnosis of your own on top of this. Wow. Jason, I am thinking of you. It’s okay that it feels terrible, because it IS. Please et all the support you can.

Louise xo

Thank you for your reply. I just get that feeling in my stomach when I imagine all the places that we have walked, shopped and holidayed together, there’s no easy fix.

Jason, I recall the utter agony in supermarkets - I would stand in an aisle and cry openly. It still hurts to think of holidays we took, and will never take again. The loss of a beloved partner isn’t just their death, but a million things. Take the time to mourn these things. xxoo

Oh Jason I’m so sorry I lost my husband in June to cancer and I also am having treatment for it. I know exactly where you are coming from. I wish I could have just five mins to tell my husband how much I love him and miss him. The only thing that would make me feel better is my husband. That just ain’t going to happen is it. Life is so so cruel. The way you lost your wife is I’m sure unbearable. To think it sounds like it could have been avoided. It’s good to talk on here even if you feel like your not alone. Take care

Oh yes I know exactly what you mean Jason. Also I get upset when I see people with their husbands or wives. Just wished mine was here x

Me to I feel selfish getting up set about other people’s happiness but I’m also surrounded by so many couples that are in terrible marriages where they just don’t care . Yet all of us on here had such amazing bonds I like to think soul mates…so I can’t help get angry …day to day tasks are horrible …cooking for one less shopping …I went to buy new winter coats for my little ones. And i felt physically sick going past the men’s department ( I was terrible for picking him up bits he didn’t need for a treat )…I even had someone ask me today …oh are you a benefits mum now your husband has died …I felt so low…my husband worked hard for us and now I have to rely on benefits for me and my babies until i find the strength to go back to work . I walked away thinking I’m the mum on benefits with no husband no hope no future …

I am beyond gutted for your losing of your lovely wife. I lost my mum 2 weeks ago very suddenly. I worry so deeply about both myself and my dad. You say you have 2 kids to worry about. They will undoubtedly be concerned that you express and/or feel your loss. You may feel separated from them in your grief as I do from my dad. All I know is that as a grieving child I worry so much for my newly widowed dad and the moments that he reaches out to me (though they are rare) bring us closer and over time we will I am sure be able to cry and cry and laugh together. I could not live without him now, although I myself feel like death is an option. What keeps me alive is knowing my dad would truly die of a broken heart without me here in this difficult time, whether I am silent and sulky or bushy and open. So please keep going for your own self… be sure your presence - no matter your mental state - is what your kids will thrive on. Today is the first day I have sought help and this is the first post I have replied to - j have realised how so many of us feel alone yet experience the same stabbing loss. I feel you’ll be ok. Make a plan to take some time to do something you enjoy, just for one day. Then take that strength one day forward, every day. Best of luck

Such kind words, my wife was flawless in every way, I’m proud and honoured to have been with her over the past many years and I hope we will be one again some day.

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Jason, when Ken died, I started to undertake some research about the question of an afterlife. I don’t know what your spiritual perspective is (and I would never dream of pushing mine) but I’ll just say that I am convinced there is an afterlife, and that we will be reunited with our sweethearts - they’ll come for us when it’s our turn to go. I look forward to an eternity with my man xo

I sincerely hope so, I’m thinking of visiting a spiritualist soon, I have heard they can help.

Well, I think they can if they’re good, Jason. I hope you find one that can give you confirmation of your sweetheart’s survival.

I scattered some of Lynne’s ashes on Elidir on Sunday, this was a favorite walk of ours. I shed tears of sadness because she is not with me and tear of joy remembering the 27 years that we were together. I’m still having good days and bad days and yesterday I broke down outside next knowing that I bought her summer clothes for her birthday to wear in Lanzarote where we should have flew out on Sunday. I have postponed my prostate cancer op until January as mentally I don’t think I could cope at the moment. The way I feel at times is when I get upset is if I had the chance I would join her straight way and to be honest I have no fear of dying my-self, all I feel at the moment is that I am surviving and not living and if something were to happen to me then so be it. In no way do I have any suicidal thoughts or feel that i’m a danger to my-self or anyone else because my kids are my main priority and I love them so much. Is this normal to feel this way. I feel so empty, lost and lonely.

Hi Jason … I know exactly how u feel and trust me it’s very normal …I went passed a shop this week where we bought new luggage for our holiday In June this year …my husband died three weeks later age 36 … I feel the same as you I’m 37 but don’t fear anything any more …I feel like after what has happened to me nothing can hurt me anymore …so I too don’t feel afraid …I have a four and five year old … they keep me so busy and are my world but as with u I’m incredibly lonely and lost…it’s not the same bond with them as with our partners … I feel like there’s no point nothing to look to the future for …my kids are at school now and I just sit at home waiting for them…I need to start work to stay a float but I don’t have the motivation…I’m so sorry about ur situation and understand the strength u would need for your op …please remember how important u are to ur family and how much u being happy and well would mean to Lynne…I know it’s hard to hear and I hear it all the time … Hugs to u

Hi, I have started back at work in my 3rd week now, it does help to a point but my mind wanders to the past and the what could have been future. Yesterday was a sad day but today is a slightly better day. Life is like a dark blind roller coaster at the moment.

Jason that is the best way to describe it …it really is a rollercoaster…I too have better days …then I beat myself up with guilt that I had an ok day …we just can’t win…of course it’s true what people say we will get through we have no choice … because we are good people that still have people that care…about us so we do it for them …and of course the people we have lost…makes it no easy on us tho…but we will do it… Sometimes I think I should send these messages to myself …Im good at convincing others that it will be ok not so much my self

I will never take life for granted again, as Jack said on Titanic, TREAT EVERY DAY AS IT IS YOUR LAST, this is how I look at life now. It is harder to live than die, life has many obstacles where as death, we’ll all find out some day. We are unlucky for what has happened and luck for the children we have. It’s all about the kids now although mine are 19 & 21. Have you tried counselling.

What a great way to think … I’m going to constantly remind myself that I still have a life to live and the most rewarding job being a mum… It’s hard to imagine the rest of my life alone I’m 37 … with no affection or all the wonderful things that come with being married but I guess if that’s the price I pay for already having loved so much and lost then I’ll live with that… I find it so much easier to talk to people who have been through the same

We won’t be alone for the rest of our lives ( hopefully ). It does help speaking to other people that are in the same position. Anytime you want a chat just send me a message. Take care.

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