I have only just joined this group and don’t know if it will help me or not, I’ve read through most of the threads and it makes me so sad to know there are so many people going through the indescribable pain that I am that comes with the loss of a son or daughter.
My Mum found my son dead in his flat on 2nd September 2024 he was 21 years old. This was the day my life spiraled into a black hole and changed forever. Zac was a fit, healthy, hardworking and happy lad, he lived 2 hours away from me and his Dad but just round the corner from my Mum. I had last messaged him late on the Friday evening all these messages he had responded to but come Saturday he failed to pick up or answer any further messages, I just thought he’d perhaps gone out for a few drinks and lost or broken his phone which was quite typical of Zac. I beat myself up now over not realising something was wrong, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome but not realising something was wrong meant that he was lying dead in his flat for over 2 days before my Mum found him, I had sent him 6 messages over the weekend all of which had gone unread. Mum called me on the Monday to say she’d not seen or heard from him all weekend, this was very unusual as he normally took her shopping on a Saturday but would generally pop in to see her everyday to make sure she was ok and that she’d fed his cats that lived at her house. It’s strange that the moment she called I knew he had died, I remember walking into our bathroom and looking in the mirror and saying to myself he’s dead, sure enough a few minutes later she called me back hysterical saying he was cold and she couldn’t wake him.
I don’t know what to do anymore, my life seems so empty and every single second I think about him, I have thought so many times in the 5 months since he left me that I can’t carry on. How does it ever get easier, I seem to miss him more everyday.
I am so sorry for your pain. Do you have plenty of support from the rest of your family? Your story is so similar to what happened to us two months ago. My darling son lived just 15 minutes away and often came over, but I also kept in touch regularly by text. I texted him and got a reply on the Thursday, then from Friday to Sunday I texted but got no response. I tried ringing his mobile, but it went straight to answerphone. On the Monday morning I drove to his flat and found one of the locks on his front door had been broken in. Initially I thought it was a burglary, but when I went in, the lights were on and the curtains were closed, which seemed odd. I rang 999 and the police turned up to say my son had died the previous Thursday night. He had rung emergency services as he was breathless. They bashed the lock in and got to him, but could not revive him. It was thought to be a heart attack, but we are awaiting further tests. He thought he had long covid for several months prior to this happening. As far as I am concerned, a large part of me died when he did and it is hard to have any enthusiasiam for the future, but I have to be strong for my daughter.
I never knew or realised ( why would we ? ) that so many young adults died .
My eldest son ( age 40 ) was found on November 8th. Paramedics said he’d been dead for 24 /48 hrs. Like you I’d sent WhatsApp messages that he hadn’t read but it wasn’t completely unusual for him not to read them immediately.
I go over and over why I didn’t know something was wrong and the guilt is tremendous.
It it something that will always haunt me. Logic says even if I’d realised it might not have been preventable but I’ll never know. At the moment we still don’t have a cause of death.
It is a trial every day to get through, I dread going to bed as my brain goes into overdrive. I have a dr’s appointment next week but what can they do ? Nothing will change the awful fact that my son isn’t here anymore.
I know someone who lost her daughter 7 yrs ago and she said that time does make things a little easier, she still feels guilt and has bad days but they’re not as bad as they first were.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, it does sound so similar to my son. I suppose you may well be in the same position as us with your son’s cause of death, we are still waiting for Zac’s inquest. After his post mortem they released limited results to us as they felt it was important to his siblings so that they could get medical tests (my husband has 2 older children from his first marriage) they told us that Zac had a serious undiagnosed heart condition. The heart condition wasn’t his cause of death but they said it would have been a significant factor. Because of the circumstances we couldn’t have access to his flat for almost 2 weeks and the police still have a fair bit of property they took including his phone. I just feel like I’m treading water until the inquest and until I get his property back but I’ve been told not to expect it any time soon.
It’s shocking to hear of so many parents losing young adults and just so sad, it shouldn’t happen. I know what you mean about every day being a trial, I’ve thought about a Doctors appointment to but like you say we are grieving not depressed and it’s really not something that can be made better in my opinion.
I’ve had a strange few days the last 2 I’ve not really cried at all but felt incredibly low, just constantly thinking about the ‘what ifs’, today I’ve literally cried all day, I just don’t know how any day is going to pan out for me.
We had an inconclusive result for our son’s post mortem (although the ambulance crew apparently said it was a heart attack), so further tests are being carried out, although we were able to have the funeral. The police searched my son’s flat for an hour after he died but then we were allowed access. As in your case, they took away his mobile phone and they will keep it until the test results come through. I have started antidepressants in the last couple of days, but am not sure I can recommend them. They have calmed the bouts of crying. However I feel that I am masking my emotions by being on them and, by being calmer, I feel I am not honouring my son’s death properly. I think it would probably be better if I cried violently like I did before.
One thing that occurs to me is that many young people live on their own nowadays. My son lived in his flat by himself - he enjoyed his own company - but I do wonder whether, if there had been someone there at the time he fell ill, he might have received help before the ambulance arrived. As it is, I am left with the knowledge that he himself had to call 999 and that he died on his own before they reached him.
Hi and so sorry to read your story. This is one club you don’t ever want to be in.
I lost my 27 year old son aug 23 he passed of sudden adult arrhythmia.
He went to the gym, was just engaged and had a brilliant future which was robbed from
Him and us.
I never thought I would breathe again and altho im only 17 months in, i often Pat myself on the back and still have to kick myself up the bum some days to get going.
You are still in the rawness and just take it minute by minute and hour by hour,
You can’t rush grief.
Talk to him, look
At photos, give yourself time…
I say where there is great love there is great grief. Be gentle with yourself xx
The post mortem was inconclusive and we are waiting on further tests. Part of me thinks we will never have an answer.
The police couldn’t find Ben’s phone at the time ( they didn’t look very hard as it was down the back of his bed ! ). They didn’t take anything other than his prescribed meds, and they ‘signed’ the case off on the night he was found.
We then had 4 weeks to empty his house because it was a housing association.
The funeral took place on 2nd Dec, then we sort of went into Xmas mode.
Since New year I’ve found it harder.
Is your son’s death going to an inquest if they can’t determine why he died? I’ve had an interim death certificate since Zac died so that all his finances and personal stuff could be taken care of, and obviously so that we could go ahead with his cremation but waiting for this inquest is awful, l don’t think we’ll ever get all the answers but it still feels like we can’t move forward until the inquest is a over and I can get his property back.
Please don’t feel like you aren’t honouring his death by trying to feel better with tablets, I think if we could all take a tablet and feel a little better we would, who wants to feel like we do?
I think you have a point about our boys living in their own, I think if Zac had had someone around him that night there may have been a chance he would still be here.
The post mortem was inconclusive, so parts of my lovely son, namely his brain and heart, were taken for toxicology and other tests. We received an interim death certificate and were able to go ahead with the funeral earlier this month (after a wait of 6 weeks). In his teens my son was diagnosed with a bicuspid aortic valve, which means it is faulty. We were told by a doctor that he would go on to ‘play football for England’ and that the valve would only be a problem when he was old. Then when my boy was 20, he had another scan and we were told by another cardiologist that he actually had a tricuspid aortic valve (which is the normal type), so we breathed a sigh of relief and thought there was nothing more to worry about. I still suspect there was something wrong with my son’s heart which wasn’t picked up. We won’t know until mid February at the earliest, and I anticipate it will be a very stressful time when the results finally arrive.
You are so right, I’ve said to all my friends that I exclusive lifetime membership of a club that nobody wants to join!
I look at and kiss his photos everyday and always talk to him, tell him everyday what I’m doing and if I’m going out ask him if he wants to come, which he always does whether he wants to or not.
Hello All
My daughter died last June 10th aged 35, she had additional needs, she was literally the centre of our lives ( mum dad and 3 younger siblings who adored her). It’s almost 8 months since I last held her hand and sang our goodnight song. I returned to work last September. I am a teacher of special needs students, I am very aware I pour the love I have for Hollie into my students.
I do have anti depressants, which take the edge off my hopelessness. My view is if they help me to remember her with some sort of cushion then that must be a good thing. As with you all, our deep love for our children is transferred to the same level of grief.
I still forget for a few seconds, such as trying to open the door quietly so that I don’t set the dog off barking and wake her up. Those moments feel like a sledgehammer driving into my face.
I hope, one day, that my despair will lessen to a more manageable level.
Jacqui
Yes they took all those samples from Zac, it was awful having to sign forms to say what we wanted to happen with the samples when they were done with them.
I hope you get all your results soon and it maybe answers some of questions.just hope we get our answers soon too.
How wonderful that you can use your love for Hollie to help your students. X
I was very upset that, apart from the terrible fact that my son had died, we then had to agree - and almost with unseemly haste - to parts of him being removed for analysis. But I can understand that it has to be done. Just very distressing for the family.