Losing our loving Grandmother

It’s only now that I feel able to put into writing how I am feeling about the sudden loss of our Grandmother. I’m hoping putting my thoughts and feelings into words, will help me process the trauma and grief.

Late last year, Grandma became ill suddenly and was admitted to hospital. My brother found her poorly at home and called the GP, who wanted to keep her at home to avoid a hospital admission. The following day, I was the one who found her even more unwell and had to call an ambulance. I feel so angry that the GP didn’t insist on getting her help sooner, but really, I think I know it wouldn’t have changed the outcome.

I saw her in hospital 2 days later. I remember asking a nurse if we should prepare ourselves for the worst, she said not. We couldn’t all see our Grandmother that weekend because of Covid Restrictions. I feel robbed of spending those last few days by her side. I was only able to spend one hour with her. I told the nurse my partner would be away from work and wanted to see her. He wasn’t allowed because of the restrictions. The conversation still spin around my mind. She told me she was so proud of me, my brother and cousins. That she was pleased to see us settled with our partners/families. She’d been hallucinating the day before and she was on top form that day, telling me about her hallucinations and how she knew they weren’t real. I remember kissing her goodbye and telling her how much I loved her. I honestly thought nothing would beat my grandma. I hoped and prayed that she’d be home the following weekend. She deteriorated over the next few days. I remember the following Tuesday, my dad called to say that things weren’t looking good and he’d update me as soon as he heard from the hospital.

My brother came to my workplace later that day and in that moment, my heart sank and I knew things weren’t going to get better. We rushed to the hospital and spent some time with her, she was so weak and couldn’t speak. That image haunts me, I regret not being strong enough to stay with her in final moments, I hope she was in no pain and passed away peacefully. She died of sepsis. I feel there was a delay in her treatment whilst they carried out tests, but to even raise those concerns with the doctors and hospital would cause too much trauma to the family. Sadly, I think the outcome would have been the same. She loved us and had a great life, but she wanted to be back with my Grandad and gave up her fight.
I went to see her a few weeks later in the chapel of rest, hoping that would help me come to terms with losing her.

I miss her so much. I miss hearing her voice. I miss seeing her with her family around her. She was so bright, so witty and so loving. Covid robbed me of spending time with her and then robbed me of saying a proper goodbye.

I lost both of my Grandfathers when I was younger and I’m finding it harder to process my grief now as an adult. The world is a little crazy now and times aren’t normal and I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. It’s been six months and I’m struggling more now.

You’ve been so brave to share this with us @stephanie27. It sounds really hard not being able to spend as much time as you would have hoped with your grandmother. Those last few moments you have can be really difficult, and I can’t imagine how challenging that felt for you with the covid restrictions preventing you from saying a proper goodbye.

You mentioned that you’re struggling more after six months and I wanted to say that grief does come in waves, sometimes we might think we’re doing okay but then it hits us again and we feel like we’re struggling more. How you’re feeling is completely understandable and your feelings are valid. Keep taking things day by day and remember we’re here for you anytime you want to talk.

I’ve posted another thread below from a member who has lost their grandmother which you might find comfort in reading knowing you’re not alone. :yellow_heart:

Hi, you sound so desperate and your post tells all. I have just read a poem by Sad2 and part of my response was to say we are never alone, we may feel that is the case but honestly our loved ones are always with us, try to remember that, it helps me. To loss two lovely ladies so close together and both quickly with Covid is hard and I feel for you. Breaking up with your partner will also make you feel like that grief has hit you three times. Life will be hard but you also sound like a strong independent person and you will get through this and you should be proud of every single thing you accomplish, no matter how small. We are always here for you and I am sure other posts that people have left will give you the hope you need right now. My love is sent out to you and remember we are never alone. Sxxx

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Hi @stephanie27 I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful grandmother. Covid has robbed so many people of such important time and special moments and I am sorry you had to deal with this. I joined this community forum recently after losing my own granny on new years day. I haven’t been dealing with my grief well at all and felt I needed some place to write about it and connect with others. I cared for my granny during her terminal illness and watching her body and mind grow weaker was just utterly heart-breaking. I understand completely how you are feeling. I miss my granny dreadfully, she was such a positive character and kept our whole family going. She was a massive part of who I am and to be honest any time I think or speak of her I cry. I am here if you want to voice any more of your feelings or just want to chat to someone in a similar situation. Keep going - you are strong!

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