Hello I am new to this site and would value advice! I lost my husband on 13th December to pneumonia and metastatic bladder cancer. Tony had bladder cancer diagnosed a year ago but after two ops and palliative radiotherapy we thought it had stabilised. We were also told all scans were clear at that time However in August he started to develop back pain and difficulty walking! Long story short a PET scan showed multiple boney metastases up length of spine snd he was admitted to hosp on 1st December! from then on he deteriorated rapidly stopped eating got delerium and passed away on 13th! We were called in at 11.00 pm and told to gather the family as his breathing had changed! and this was the most distressing 20 mins for me! zhe was sitting up in bed in respiratory
distress but managed to say “I’m dying, I’m dying” before slipping into unconsciousness and passing away about 3 hrs later! Any advice on how to get the awful breathing images out of my head greatly appreciated - just cant forget! thank you Cynthonia x
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, @Cynthonia. I’ve moved your thread to our Losing a partner category so you can get the right support.
You are not alone in struggling with these kind of images. You might find it helpful to read @Suzi1’s thread here: Flashbacks
Hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted you to know you’ve been heard.
Take care,
Seaneen
@Cynthonia. I am so very sorry to hear you have lost your husband and that you are suffering so much with the distress of his breathing at the end. I lost my dear husband nearly a year ago, and his breathing towards the end was heartbreaking and went on for a number of hours. I held him, telling him how much he was loved. I will always have the dreadful memory but it isn’t as bad now. I told myself he is at peace and I was fortunate to have been with him and comfort him, and it helped me.
Sending hugs at this very sad time for you x
I was with my husband when he died and those images of him struggling to breathe at the end are horrendous. I was able to hold him and I talked to him right to the end. I just wish I could feel better about those last few hours.
Also I haven’t had any dreams of him or any signs - and how I long for those.
It has only been 6 weeks for me. I pray things will get easier.
My love and thoughts are with everyone having the same struggles as me. xx
thank you all sooo much and it is good to confide in those who really understand! Tony’s decline was do rapid we still reeling from shock of it! Yes eldest son and I were with him when he lost the fight and after the horrendous breathing we just hope he was unconscious for last few hours! Heartbreaking isnt it? xx
oh Vicky, I am same about dreams and signs but I think we have to be patient! We are all “energy” and that is never lost!! Cx
@Cynthonia I can empathise totally with what you saw. I walked in on my Dad dying in hospital, struggling to breathe & nobody told me what was happening. All I knew was it didn’t look good. I used to relive it constantly in the aftermath as he looked terrified. Almost 10 months on & those images have faded somewhat, aswell as the images of other death processes, of which I’d no experience. (People who’ve seen someone die will know what I’m talking about) I thought at one stage I had ptsd. In time you’ll remember your Tony in better times & places & although the end of a life is traumatic for loved ones, he wasn’t alone. Take comfort from that.
Thank you do much
Thank you Cee - it is comforting to hear from others - and hopefully the images may fade - the whole process so weird isnt it - I am also starting to realise the permanence of it! Family are wonderful and daughter even set me up with a little “snug” at hers to use anytime but even Tony used to say at the end of the day we all have to navigate the grief journey on our own - somehow!! x
I did at xmas @Cynthonia … it was first year anniversary and a lot of awful memories came back to me … its really hard to deal with isnt it and so sad … i think its when i have too muchbtime to think … i really need to get out there more but i got a lovely lovely neighbour and some great friends on here who understand. Xxx
@Cynthonia im so sorry that must have been shocking for you to experience . I can only say that he was unconscious after that my love . It is so hard to deal with such a big loss . Everyone on here has lost someone dear to them . Please post when you need and someone will always be here to listen . My hug to you from Julia
@Deb5 I expected it would be difficult my love . I am glad it is all over . I definitely will be away next year as I can’t see it being any easier xx
It was it was bloody awful ! You did right going away … my friends on here kept messaging me though ! ! If i got someone to go with me next year i will go away or if not i might just go myself … c what the year brings ! At least its another 12 months before the next xmas … x
Thank you dear friends - love you all already and thank you for responding - so comforting! I have a good family who invite me to stay every weekend but am trying to stick it out at home as have somehow to pick up the pieces and now forge a different route! Also still got to face the funeral on Feb 2nd! We have had enormous trouble getting a date as family have various work Conferences, crem dates and Church dates!!! To be honest I feel best in evenings when I can go to bed!!! Thank you all “for being you”!!! Cx (nearly a month now!)
@Deb5 you must definitely do it . It was so much better to be on a beach than sat crying at home xxxx
Yeh i wont be sat at home crying next year !! I went with my daughter in november and it was good distraction and enjoyed most of it … but did cry sonetimes … i missed him being sat next to me … 
one night we were having dinner and i started crying - this young waiter saw me and came over and topped my drink up bless him … he said i think you need this … 
xx
My love and hugs to everyone. I hope we can all find peace in 2024. We are always here for one another.
xxxxx
Yes hope we find some happiness ! That would be nice … after an awful xmas … was for me anyway - found it harder than last year tbh because last year it was 8 days after my lovely husband had gone and i think i was still.in shock then ! That whole period is such a blur !! X
Christmas was dreadful for me too last year having lost a sister on Christmas Eve and then this year my husband died 5 weeks before Christmas - so it has been bad for 2 Christmases now. I am hoping things will settle down a bit soon. Lets all hope for a peaceful 2024.
Hi there, I too lost my husband to bladder cancer and he had similar symptoms that you describe. So sorry that you are feeling this way and I have found that trying to remember his face in happier times or things he did that made you laugh help quite a bit, eventually time will make your last memory fade but know its still raw today. It does help to hear that other people are facing the same days as us and you are not alone, hope you have good days to come and be kind to yourself. take care xx