My husband passed away at the end of January this year. We’d been married for very nearly 40 years. An unrelated scan showed a large mass on his colon.; three short months later, he was gone. I keep getting flashbacks again now, as he went downhill rapidly & was very poorly in December/JanuaryIt was a horrible time & I was his sole carer. I was doing well, but now it’s become exhausting and I’ve started crying every day once more. John wouldn’t want this for me, but I don’t know how to handle this particular time. I guess I’ll just have to work through this sad & unpleasant situation. Has anyone else found anything that helps? I have lovely friends and family, but necessarily I spend what feels like a lot of time on my own. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like this. Thank you.
Hi there- you are not alone with these feelings. It is natural- i try and keep busy doing all sorts of things in the day time and evening. Just trying to occupy my time helps, but at the end of the day you still have those alone times. Even times when your busy all of a sudden a wave of emotion will hit and the tears flow, just for a minute or two, then your sort of okay again. It’s not unusual. Stay strong and remember you r not alone in feeling like this…HUG
Hi @Suzi1, being sad is exhausting 
I hate the quiet/alone time at home, the silence is deafening so I keep the radio on in every room, I find Classic FM gentle and soothing and I can just manage doing mindless things like jigsaw puzzles….it helps pass the time and distracts me from the knot in my stomach. Big hug to you x
I know it doesn’t apply to all situations- but I refuse to let cancer win- me and my wife would say this before she died- cancer will not ruin both of our lives and I work hard not to let it- that way I try and stay positive……not always easy but it gives me the reason to be positive to carry on…for my wife and me ….if you know where I am coming from??
Hi @Suzi1,
I too get very vivid flashbacks. They come completely out of the blue or can be triggered. Almost exclusively they are of traumatic events during my gorgeous Christine’s illness. I find them very difficult to deal with. I can sometimes distract myself (you have to find things that may work for you) or have to retreat and lie on the bed weeping until the intensity passes.
It is very hard.
Best wishes to you.
I have awful flashbacks as well. My husband died very suddenly in the back garden, and the last image I have of him was with an expression of either terrible pain or fear, or both. To the extent that one of the police officers gasped when he came round the corner and saw him, and looked very shocked. He was younger and perhaps he hadn’t much experience of sudden deaths. I felt so sorry for him. I’m now left with the problem of not being able to look at the garden, far less go in it, and I think I might have to move house if I can’t get past this. It’s only 3 months for me so too soon for major decisions. So I understand completely about the randomness and the triggers of flashbacks. I hope for all of us that time will heal this aspect of grief, but it is definitely very hard. I was advised to try adult colouring in and it’s actually really good for being able to distract yourself for a while. That and word searches and puzzles. It makes me focus for a wee while.
@Mist2 although my husband’s passing wasn’t sudden I can relate to a lot of what you say. My husband had a hospital bed in the living room for the last week of his life. For a long time after I struggled being in the living room because of the memories of that last week. I also couldn’t look at photos or videos of him or watch anything on tv we used to watch together. I have to say 8 months on all these things have improved hugely. I use my living room as normal and I love looking at happy photos of him. I still struggle with the tv programmes but maybe in time this will also improve. Although your circumstances were much more sudden & shocking, I hope my experience gives some hope moving forward. Take care.
Thank you so much @Jan17 , it’s very comforting to hear
that. I’m so glad you can cope better with other aspects as well. I have taken to watching, or more likely not watching just having a noise in the background!
Me again, I hit the reply key by mistake. Brain fog again!
What I meant to say is that I watch programmes that I wouldn’t normally have the remotest interest in rather than watch our programmes.
Shocking as my experience has been I can’t imagine what it’s like for those of you who had to watch your loved one struggle over a period of time. As a nurse we used to have many conversations about which would be worse, and what would be a ‘good death.’ (That was one of our lectures many years ago).I think my conclusion is that I still don’t know the answer . Thinking of all of you.
@Mist2 I don’t know what a ‘good death’ is either. My husband was very agitated and they just kept sedating him more and more. I will never know if he was trying to tell me something, or if he was in pain or perhaps he was totally unaware. I thought I had prepared for the inevitable but don’t think you are ever prepared, even when you know it’s coming. Equally losing someone when you are least expecting or prepared for it is unthinkable.
@Jan17
I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the shock of going out expecting to see him cutting the grass and finding him already gone.
And now we’re all left trying to make our way through the rest of our lives one day at a time.They say that time is a great healer, I hope so.
I’m so sorry to hear about your terrible loss. Life is so very cruel at times & we can never be prepared for that.
I borrow from my daughter creator Lego-the versions which are so absorbing & I love jigsaws. Sometimes it’s an effort but I’ll try to do them. I’d forgotten my mindfulness colouring book. Thank you, I’ll look it out. Sending a big hug xx
My husband too became very agitated & it was so upsetting to see. He was given morphine which calmed him, but it was also risky in that it could hasten the end. I still don’t know if it was right, but I couldn’t bear to see him so agitated. I do believe he wasn’t in pain though & have since read that it is very common when the end is near. Still upsetting though. But then do much of it was & still is.
@Suzi1 sorry for your loss. My husband was very similar. He had 2 syringe drivers with pain relief and sedatives. I was told at the time it is quite common but never expected it to be like that. I found it very traumatic but I did what I could. I hope it was enough.
Thank you @Suzi1 and @Jan17
It must have been so distressing for you both to watch your loved ones so agitated. Please take comfort from the fact that you loved and cared for them right up to the end and could not have done any more.
@Suzi1
So sorry for your loss. I am at a similar stage I feel, lost my wife (Marie) to breast cancer in January this year.
I think the alone times, painful as they are, can be an important and necessary part of moving forward.
For me, when alone, I speak with Marie - every day and maybe as the months have gone by, those conversations have become less stressful and more conversational.
@Jan17 my husband was exactly the same. 2 syringe drivers and morphine but so agitated and trying to get out of bed. So scary. Then extra medication to calm him and he went to sleep and didn’t wake up.
I hope he could hear me telling him I loved him.
It’s widely believed that hearing is the last sense to go. I hope that provides some reassurance and comfort. X
Hi my husband passed 15th nov this year with very similar circumstances bowel cancer 2 operations and he still could not be saved he was 51 years old it hurts like hell daily it’s awful the only thing that keeps me going is my 11year old son and my little French bull dog puppy she’s only 11 weeks old and she has been an absolute god send all I can do is offer you a massive virtual hug and my inbox is open if you ever want to chat