Ofcourse its an act… you pretend to be happy to stop them feeling bad… i know.
We all feel the same. Its exhausting keeping up the pretense so its easier to be alone.
BIG HUGS honestly writing my feelings on here is so good. Im not in a bubble. We are all grieving and wanting the one we love back 
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My husband was only 53 when he died suddenly and unexpectedly. I never mask my feelings. I scream and cry which seems to come on suddenly from the bottom of my stomach. I don’t think you should mask the way you feel. Luckily my friends are a great support and have accepted that I am not alright and that I am grieving for my husband and always will. A few friends haven’t been able to handle my grief and that ship has sailed. Most of my friends are there for me and I have made new friends since my life has changed. I’m definitely not the same person as I used to be. What a journey that we are all on. Big hugs xx
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Awww @Hazel.1966
Its been the same for me. People i thought were friends were not there for me at all. While Nick was in hospital i never saw any of them.
He came home 6th January. 2 turned up with flowers… just for a nose! Never saw them again.
Yes, ive changed. My priorities have changed.
Im just going to do what i feel comfortable with now.
Im going back to work 3rd june.
Im going to book venice for August… 4 day trip with my son.
Ill think about Nick all the way through it. Thats were me & Nick were supposed to be in April.
We know a brilliant self employed travel agent. I was checking Nicks phone and Dean came up.
Im going to go on one of those group bookings next year with a tour guide to either New Zealand or Asia?? On my own!!
Nick would want me to do that. It will be scary but nick will be with me in my heart 
he is every day xx
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Im sorry your friends have not been there for you!
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2 of them ive known since i was 12.
I was extremely upset when Nick first went into hospital 27th December.
My friends were asking whats happened… via a group WhatsApp.
Not one came round. Not one asked if i needed help.
I was upset and angry 
which is normal!
My so called best friend said im too aggressive and im giving her a stomach ache so she was swerving me!
Nick didn’t come out of hospital until 6th January.
My FRIEND messaged my daughter to get gossip off her.
My daughter shut her down.
Not real friends, obviously. However, through different tough times of her life ive been there for her 
Im glad i know… xx
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That is dreadful. One friend of mine has become my mother. She gives me a weather forcast every day and tells me what to wear. I have another that lives miles away from me. She said if i need her she come as she is only down the road. Its only a twohour drive but whats that betwee n griends. She came to Steves celebration of life. I had many friends there and they are in constant touch with me. My sisters stayed with me for the forst few days and come once in while to go shopping or sea side walks. I can not complain at the support i have had. I know i am blessed. I have grand children nieces and nephews who are in constant contact with me. I can spend weekends with them whenever i want. It all helps as i know i have people who care. None of it takes away that rock in my chest. That knowledge that i have to face every problem alone. I no longer have Steve. A man who understood me! Who shared so much with me. Who knew just when i needed him to wrap his arms around me and tell me ill get through this. Every thing is more difficult now.
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Ive realised them girls were just… its my bday are we all going out… type of friendship.
I have good friends… mostly the friends i made with Nick.
I see them sometimes but they are still in a couple and sometimes it hurts too much.
I have one best friend from school who is like a sister. I see her once a week, she has her own fanily problems.
My mum constantly says the wrong thing.
I saw a good friend from work yesterday. That was nice.
Its not Nick though. He was my best friend and love… we did everything together.
Ive just took the dogs to the beach then. Its heartbreaking that we should be doing that together 
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You have someone at least. Your not alone even if like me you feel you are. My Daughter keeps saying the wrong this but she has lost her dad and thats major! So we make each other cry a lot! She believes in feathers and robins and all that. If it helps her who am i to argue. He is with ne in my memories but i dont think he is watching me. If he was i would know. He isnt there. If there is something after he has moved on. I wouldnt want him to watch me falling apart and he not being able to help me. We would both be getting tortured then.
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Mandyc15 Thinking of you for Thursday
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Thinking of you for tomorrow… bloody tragic 
BIG HUGS XXX
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My doctor has given me sleeping pills too and I am taking them. I couldn’t do without them. Hopefully I will not need them forever.
I saw my husband in the chapel of Rest, but he didnt look as if he was sleeping and I cannot get that image out of my head.
I have so many unanswered questions but I dont like to ask them in case it upsets people.
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Ask anyway. We are all upset thats why we need each other. We will understand. Dont hold things in. That is what damages you more. Just say whats on your mind
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Thinking of you both - today (@Willo) and tomorrow (@MandyC15 )
Such difficult days for you both.
But your soulmates will be with you, guiding you and keeping you strong.
From @Cathphil
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Im so sorry that your husband didn’t look like he was sleeping in the Chapel of rest
Nick bloomed with steroids. His body and head went massive. So when he passed away he went back to his normal, slim size and he looked more like Nick.
I put his cap and glasses on him. His denim jacket, tshirt, pants and trainers. He looks beautiful.
I put all his favourite things in the coffin. He loved skateboarding and bmxing so i put things relating to that.
Photos of me and him, his mum, brothers, my kids and his best friends.
He liked Nick Cave and Grayson Perry… so the tea towels we had with their pictures on went in.
A flask with his name on… and his brother put jelly babies in.
So the coffin is very full. Ive seen Nick every day.
Its his funeral tomorrow 
So my last time will be today x
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Thank you xx
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@MandyC15
‘enjoy’ a special time with your Nick today.
I too went and saw my husband everyday until the day before his funeral. I was lucky that the coffin could remain open right up and until then.
I used to read him the eulogy I’d written for him (and that I read at the service) and I used to play him the music I’d chosen.
Be strong my darling, big hugs to you
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If you need the sleeping tablets for now, take them.
I felt terrible the next day and was driving early the next day to go and see Nick. So stopped taking them.
Ive thought about taking them now. My sleeping pattern is all over the place.
I keep falling asleep on the sofa. My son wakes me and i go to bed… midnight or after i fall asleep… wake up with a jolt round about 5am, usually crying
We need to do whats best for us.
Im hoping to go back to work 3rd june.
That will make me really tired and hopefully my sleeping pattern will become better.
Dont be hard on yourself. Take each day at a time xx
@Cathphil ive played his music… i cry as soon as i hear that. I suppose its better out than in.
You are so brave reading the eulogy.
The celebrant is reading mine.
We leave at 12.30 tomorrow. The service is 1pm… 40min service.
Music going in, my eulogy, his brother will read, more music, our friend a vicar will read, then departure music.
Then we are going to the cemetery for the burial. He is going into the family plot with his mum
Its going to be such a long day. Ive paid for the wake… food etc
But, i dont want to go.
Im going to come home after burial.
Feed and walk our dogs.
Thank you to everyone for the lovely messages on here… its helping me so much xx
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I will think of you tomorrow and hope it can go as well as it can.
As painful as it is I would try and see people if you are able to, it is beyond all pain known but it does help to talk, well it helps a little.
Sending love and hugs and prayers to you x
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Dearest @MandyC15
Just take the day as it comes.
And let it be your way.
I made changes right up to the last minute.
When everyone was milling around outside at the start I just became so overwhelmed, I asked the funeral directors to please get everyone inside
I just then stood outside alone with my Phil , and our two dogs who were allowed to attend the service.
The youngest was only 3 months old, and hadn’t even had his second injections, so I was carrying him.
I then walked in with just my husband (he was wheeled in by the funeral directors) and our two dogs.
It felt really special. The last thing we did together as a little family of 4.
I wasn’t brave reading the eulogy. I just knew I wanted to do it, so I had to.
I’d read it out loud to my husband at least 20 times when I visited him in his funeral home. So I just felt like I was reading it to him again.
Big big hugs to everyone on here preparing for funerals, or remembering them when we read new threads on here.
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