Loss of my dad 2 years on.

I’m not sure if this is the first thing to do but I’m going to rant here and see if anyone has had a similar experience.

My dad battles cancer for 5 years, it was a very rare cancer and had 6 months remission within those years until it come back, after already having radio chemo was the only option left, before his first day of chemo he contracted pneomonia and was hospitalised 4 days before he passed. He was supposed to come home the next day, and start chemo the day after.

My dad was everything to me and my sister, he was a football coach, a best friend, and he almost certainly did everything he could to spend as much time with us as possible.

I never knew how long my dad had left, and still didn’t the night before he passed. That night 2nd July 2019 he was watching England play football on a small hospital TV in his room, flags/posters all over the wall, watching with my sister and her gf. His cancer unbeknown to all of us apart from my mum apparently had spread from his mouth to his tonsils, his throat and elsewhere, the parts we knew about were inoperable. He had already had maxilofacial surgery during his 1st year of contracting cancer due to the aggressive nature spreading into his jaw and cheekbones.

traumatic details
That evening his cancer had eaten away at his carotid artery and he began to bleed out through his mouth, my sister rang panicked and traumatised by this. We rushed to his side (45min drive) and were given “the talk”. He had lost a lot of blood, but my dad picked up his sense of humour and said “what will be will be”. Despite the severity my dad was adament he was coming home tomorrow and starting chemo, because of this we went home and left him with mum that night. I received the call at 2am to say he died.

I still get severe panics when I get a call from my immediate family late at night, it triggers something inside of me, somethings happened or is going to be hard to deal with. This is something I struggle with, I never should have left his side that night, despite his high spirits.

Since this, on his 60th wedding anniversary on new years eve my grandad was admitted to hospital due to a rapid decline in health, due to covid seeing him was also extremely difficult. He sadly also passed away this year after 2 weeks.

Both these male figures in my life were my safety blankets, my dad I would always call, my grandad was the more reserved guy at family gatherings more than happy to sit in his chair and take it all in, this is why I felt like I really resonated with my grandad, we were the shyer ones of the family.

My sister and I because of everything we have had to deal with in these last 2 years have been thick as thieves, we were both daddies girls, and miss him everyday.

We were there for my mum through grief for the first 6-9 months but since then our relationship has dwindled. My mum moved on pretty quickly which upset me and my sister after they were married for nearly 30years. We feel we have not only lost our dad and our grandad now but also our relationship with our mum.

I just wonder if there is anyone on here of similar age and relationship to their fathers who have passed and see how they have coped, dealt with relationships, and anxiety/depression.

Its been really difficult personally too, I’ve put on weight, I’ve been depressed, anxious, quit my job, felt a lack of purpose, feeling like everything is always hard/difficult or destined to go wrong for me.

It’s just been a lot.
I’m happy to share my experiences with anyone who wants to chat privately too. Feel free to drop me a message.

Thanks for reading, I won’t read this back to check for spelling mistakes because I will just get too anxious about posting and delete. Lol. Or feel embarrassed for waffling. Sorry,

Thanks,
Jess!

Welcome to the community @JESS2, you’ve been so brave to share your story here with us all. What you’re going through is not easy to talk about and I really admire the strength you’ve shown reaching out.

I’m really sorry to hear about your Dad and Grandad passing away. I can hear how close you were to your Dad, you mentioned he was like a best friend to you. From what you’ve shared, it sounds traumatic not knowing how long you had left with him and getting the call not longer after you last saw him. It’s understandable to hear phone calls late at night are triggering for you, I can imagine it bring up lots of difficult feelings. It sounds like not being with him that last night is something that’s on your mind a lot, is that right?

I wanted to link you to a few other topics on the community from a few other young people who have experienced losing their parent who you may like to connect with - Losing a Parent Whilst in Your 20s and also My dad passed away and I’m only young.

There’s also this post here which you may like to read:

Keep posting here whenever you need to, we’re all here for you :yellow_heart:

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Hi Aife,

Thank you so much for your reply, it’s nice to have someone not family to talk to, I feel heard.

My dad was definitely my best friend, he trained me and my sister to play football from a very young age, coached us and managed our teams up until his health declined. We spent every weekend together and I had to keep him away from my flat at uni sometimes. He loved hanging out with me and all my friends at uni and even helped build my Masters degree show work as well as giving advice and support to my fellow students. He encouraged me to work on my passions and was always just a phone call away of I needed a cry or some support.
Losing him was like I lost my past, present and future.

I think about a lot of things, why I never saw him at hospital those few days before his 2 episodes that night, working for a vet company who didn’t appreciate me and wouldn’t let me leave work to get him hospital clothes, why I left the hospital that night despite having “the talk”. Why I didn’t have a chat with him that night either. But also what my future experiences will be like without him, marriage, kids, first home, etc.
It’s hard to think forward at times.

“Luckily” but also not very luckily my partner has lost both his parents over the years so we have eachother to lean on. And have that common experience that’s made us stronger.

Being young and losing the father figures in your life is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be tbh.

I’m going to check out a few of these posts you have forwarded to me and maybe reach out if I feel like I want to.

Thank you Aife,
Jess

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