I’m not sure if this is the first thing to do but I’m going to rant here and see if anyone has had a similar experience.
My dad battles cancer for 5 years, it was a very rare cancer and had 6 months remission within those years until it come back, after already having radio chemo was the only option left, before his first day of chemo he contracted pneomonia and was hospitalised 4 days before he passed. He was supposed to come home the next day, and start chemo the day after.
My dad was everything to me and my sister, he was a football coach, a best friend, and he almost certainly did everything he could to spend as much time with us as possible.
I never knew how long my dad had left, and still didn’t the night before he passed. That night 2nd July 2019 he was watching England play football on a small hospital TV in his room, flags/posters all over the wall, watching with my sister and her gf. His cancer unbeknown to all of us apart from my mum apparently had spread from his mouth to his tonsils, his throat and elsewhere, the parts we knew about were inoperable. He had already had maxilofacial surgery during his 1st year of contracting cancer due to the aggressive nature spreading into his jaw and cheekbones.
That evening his cancer had eaten away at his carotid artery and he began to bleed out through his mouth, my sister rang panicked and traumatised by this. We rushed to his side (45min drive) and were given “the talk”. He had lost a lot of blood, but my dad picked up his sense of humour and said “what will be will be”. Despite the severity my dad was adament he was coming home tomorrow and starting chemo, because of this we went home and left him with mum that night. I received the call at 2am to say he died.
I still get severe panics when I get a call from my immediate family late at night, it triggers something inside of me, somethings happened or is going to be hard to deal with. This is something I struggle with, I never should have left his side that night, despite his high spirits.
Since this, on his 60th wedding anniversary on new years eve my grandad was admitted to hospital due to a rapid decline in health, due to covid seeing him was also extremely difficult. He sadly also passed away this year after 2 weeks.
Both these male figures in my life were my safety blankets, my dad I would always call, my grandad was the more reserved guy at family gatherings more than happy to sit in his chair and take it all in, this is why I felt like I really resonated with my grandad, we were the shyer ones of the family.
My sister and I because of everything we have had to deal with in these last 2 years have been thick as thieves, we were both daddies girls, and miss him everyday.
We were there for my mum through grief for the first 6-9 months but since then our relationship has dwindled. My mum moved on pretty quickly which upset me and my sister after they were married for nearly 30years. We feel we have not only lost our dad and our grandad now but also our relationship with our mum.
I just wonder if there is anyone on here of similar age and relationship to their fathers who have passed and see how they have coped, dealt with relationships, and anxiety/depression.
Its been really difficult personally too, I’ve put on weight, I’ve been depressed, anxious, quit my job, felt a lack of purpose, feeling like everything is always hard/difficult or destined to go wrong for me.
It’s just been a lot.
I’m happy to share my experiences with anyone who wants to chat privately too. Feel free to drop me a message.
Thanks for reading, I won’t read this back to check for spelling mistakes because I will just get too anxious about posting and delete. Lol. Or feel embarrassed for waffling. Sorry,