Hi @Caitlin_s_mum, I have been reading through a few posts today to see if I could gain some strength. I am so very sorry & sad for the loss of your beloved daughter. All the posts are so very devastating. I lost my precious beautiful son suddenly in June, he too went to bed & didn’t wake up. Cause concluded SADS sudden arrhythmia death syndrome. I am so broken, I just don’t know how to carry on. I lost my mum & gran to suicide when I was young so have grieved almost all of my life. Now grieving for my beloved son is another level. Words cannot describe the pain & void. He was so vibrant, caring & loving. He grew up with ADHD but managed to overcome most of the problematic symptoms to gain a degree in music production. We are so very proud of him. We are torn apart without him & miss him every second of every day. We have another son who means just as much to me as his brother. My heart aches for him as he has lost his best friend and is so lost. Many days he isolates himself and doesn’t want to talk. My husband is brilliant but gets upset when I’m upset. I find myself hiding in order to let out my raw painful emotions. I just miss my boy so very much we were so close with a special bond. I was not only his mum but his advocate and support through school. I’m lost without him.
I wonder how you are doing as you describe all to well the utter despair and pain we are all feeling on this site.
Sending love and strength to you & everyone 
x
Hello to all,
That special bond you mention I was lucky enough to have that with Sam. We had the same sense of humour. Because he came home from Sweden where he lived to tell me he had been diagnosed with a brain tumour in November 2012 that was when my World started to fall apart, and when I probably started to grieve inside. Even now I look at his phonto and I said only this morning to him I miss you so much Sam. That feeling never goes away. My stepdad died 18 months to the day Sam died 9th December 2016 and my stepdad June 9th 2018, he was in hospital and in a coma but my mum couldn’t face coming to the hospital so me and my husband stayed with him through the night. Sometime around 6 in the morning he pulled his arm out from under the covers and stretched it out as far as he could, trying to hold something, that’s when I heard I’ll look after him now…and I knew Sam was there too I could feel him the same way I feel him here every now and then even now. Sometimes I just sit there and cry and wish I could be with him. A few days after he had passed I was in the kitchen crying unable to see for the tears and I heard (it was so loud) for f**** sake mum I’ll see you in 20 years…it was Sam and that is exactly how he would say it if he was here…After the operation and when him and Mathilda were here living I would ring him every day, just to ask him if he felt OK…if he was frustrated he wouldn’t answer the phone straight away, then on the second or third ring…he’d answer and say MOTHER…I knew when he used that word he was fed up of me keep ringing. You never get over losing them you learn to live alongside the grief and gradually you remember the special moments. During the 4 and a bit years I had Sam after he was diagnosed I made the most of every moment so that I could recall the memories which is all I have left.
with love
Helen
I am so sorry Sam’s mum. There are days when it is so hard, but we must remember all of the good times we had with them. This is something that will never leave us, but focusing on all of the good memories gets us through. We will all meet our children again i am sure of it.