Loss of my daughter

My 40 year old daughter died in a RTA 4 weeks ago and the pain is excruciating. I cry all the time and although we’ve had her funeral it all seems like a dream and I still can’t believe it. She was living with us at the time and it is so painful seeing her things. I can’t even bear to look at a photo of her. I’m not sure if this is normal.


Hi Deborah I am so sorry you lost your daughter I absolutely feel your pain and understand what you are going through it is a living hell . My son died March 2019 he was 39 and it’s coming up to 2 years and it feels like yesterday I keep going for my other 2 kids and my husband and grandchildren 4 weeks it’s still very raw I wish I could take away your pain and everyone else’s on here .I hope you can find some comfort by posting on here I find reading posts I don’t feel alone sending hugs xxxxxx

So sorry you have lost your daughter @DeborahY at such a young age and in such traumatic and sudden circumstances, sending my heartfelt condolences to you.

We lost my 32 year old sister in a RTA in October, I know it’s not much comfort but all I can say is I can relate to you - I never could have imagined a pain like this, it’s indescribable, as you say - excruciating. My parents had to put away photos they had of my sister for 6/7 weeks but they are back next to the other photos now. I still can’t look at recent photos properly, let alone read the messages she sent me or videos of her on my phone… it’s still hard to believe 9 weeks on.

Sending strength to you at this time x

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Dear heart broken
Thank you for your message and I am sorry for your loss. I hope that I will be able to look at photos of her soon. I think I am still in shock and disbelief that this has happened. All we can do is take one day at a time.
Love Deborah x

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This breaks me, I am so so so sorry x x wishing you strength x

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Hi Deborah, i know this pain, i lost my daughter 5 weeks ago to a brain tumour, i too cant believe she has gone, the pain is unbearable. Everyone grieves in different ways and whatever your feeling is normal, my psychologist told me not to fight the emotions go with them, thats what i’mtrying to do. x


I wish you all the strength x I’m.so sorry x

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thank you x


hi Deborah I too find it difficult to look at the most recent photo of my late daughter who passed 13th April last year. I still can’t believe that she has gone.
I have messages on my answer machine from her and cannot bring myself to listen.
I look back and wish I had said or done some things different.
We didn’t know what was ahead. but when police came to tell me I knew it was about my daughter and I asked them if she had passed. This will stay with me.
I find it is not getting any easier. because of lockdown i have been unable to get any counselling.
I know her 22 yr old son has suffered and her 19 yr old daughter also. It is a sad story for the kids but I cannot go into it yet. so their grief is hurting me also.
I feel I have come to a standstill. getting not much done around the house.
I am so sorry for your loss. x mag.x

You can get bereavement counselling on the phone . Cruse.org.Uk
I lost my mum 8 weeks ago in very traumatic circumstances.
I had to go to my g p and he reccomended them . I had my first session on Monday. It’s free , contact them .

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thank you nuthatch for your advice. I’m just off the fone to make an appointment for blood pressure and bloods. the nurse will fone back with an appointment. I thought I would get these appointments out the way and then concentrate on the counselling. I had a bit of a melt down don’t know if it was early this morning or yesterday. crying and calling my daughter and telling her I need her. I feel very selfish because she was in pain and was told she would be for the rest of her life. she was on some sort of pain meds from doctor but they wore off pretty soon. I think she was also self medicating but I don’t blame her. I never thought I would say that. but I know about pain with arthritis and such. she died from sepsis which had gone to her heart. I do feel a bit reticent about foning these places. I feel I’m unburdoning my pain on to someone else. I am much better with face to face rather than on the fone. . but this covid has got to be the worst thing ever for bereavement. il stop there. going to have something to eat. and cup of tea and my antidepressants and a few others for other health problems. thank you again for your reply.x I will let you know how I get on when I get round to foning. All best wishes to you and everyone else on here. Take care of yourselves.xxxx Mag.x

Oh Mag,
I feel your pain . I have a meltdown every night.
My poor family. Please consider Cruse, even though it’s a phone line, they are very kind and well trained . It helps to let it all out. Also try deep breathing. In through your nose , hold and then exhale through your mouth. It helps calm you .
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are x

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hello Helen, I have just found your lovely reply. forgive me for not finding it sooner. I still find making my way on here difficult. never have been good with technology.
it’s getting near my daughter Pauline’s first anniversary. I’m not any nearer to coming to terms with her passing. my grandson (her son) visited with a new type of iPad and wanted to show me how I could use WiFi to play music on his speaker. he chose IZ singing Over the Rainbow which was one of the songs I chose for my daughter’s funeral. im afraid i had to say no and said it was too sad. I love IZ singing it too but now it’s too sad. IZ was a Hawaiian singer who died young. I think it was his excessive weight which caused complications with his health. He had a voice like an Angel in my opinion. He also sings some songs from 60s or 70s. And also some lovely Hawaiian music. my daughter died on 13th April last year which was Easter Sunday. It was sudden and unexpected. I had bought her her favourite perfume set which she would have been delighted with the day before. I didn’t even have the chance to tell her I had got it. it would have been her 44th birthday on 27th May. we had a birthday tea for her. with my grandson and granddaughter who are her children and my brother also came with his daughter. a friend of ours made a beautiful vegan cake in her favourite colours torquoise and pink. As we all know around last April was the start of the covid shutdown. I feel I have suffered alone because of no counselling being available. I have had a couple of fone calls but not a proper counselling. I have been in touch with my doctor and she is trying her best to get me something.xx I will close for now as it’s nearly 6 am. and I havnt slept. so I will close for now. Thank you again for you’re message. best wishes Mag.xx

Hi Mag. Have you tried for counselling on here? they are very very good and there is not too long a wait and it really will do you some good to talk about things. It’s weird but when we talk about things all our twisted and unreasonable thinking comes out and someone who is listening who is objective can help us unwind this wrong thinking, It’s also very good to keep talking about those we have lost. I know I do it all the time and I also talk to my Mum all the time. Like you said this lockdown isn’t helping any of us let alone at a time when we need people around us to help us through. I don’t think it get’s any easier quickly, I only today had the thought I better text Mum and then was hit in the gut to remember. Don’t worry about not getting things done around the house, it doesn’t matter, you aren’t into it right now so give yourself a break and just accept what you can’t seem to get your head into and know it’s all part of your grief. I’m sure you are still moving forward even if it doesn’t feel like it as we just can’t stand still - no one can. I would have stayed around 30 if we could xx. Whatever you want to keep is also ok it will keep her close to you. Big kind distanced hugs being sent and know you are not alone in this wretched journey called grief. Poppy :hugs::hugs:

Sorry about Your Loss not Evan a year ago my daughter was taking from me I don’t sleep I don’t eat anymore when she got took from me it hurt so bad I feel it every second no parent should outlive there child my angel would have been 10 soon now my life is empty without her I feel your pain and a hope one day u overcome it am so sorry u lost your little girl it’s not right atal stay strong x

Hi Helen i also lost my daughter last April she was 48 years old.She found out she had got cancer end of Feb and died April 1st .Like you we had to get through her birthday which was just a few weeks later May 29th.I find it harder as time goes on to come to terms with loosing her she was my best friend.Each day i think there is only me going through this pain .But reading your story i know other people are going through the same pain lots of love Pat xx

It’s gonna be hard but your lucky you got to spend time have a bond with her I hope them memories keep u going just think if the time use had as give anything to have been with my Princess one time I made my mistakes when I was young and it cost me big I’m as responsible as the drink driver who took her from me more so your angel had you there always will b a just wish a could have been a good parent like you chin up take care and cherish those moments cos your angel. Looking down and she proud of the life you gave her big respect be safe x

Hi Poppy thanks so much for your reply. It was very kind of you. Sorry it takes me time to get back. I am finding its getting worse as time goes on. It will be my daughters 1st anniversary on April 13th which was Easter Sunday. Not sure what I’m going to do for it. I have to remember it devastated her 2 children and I know their friends were devastated for them too as was a couple of friends I have. I badly need the counselling. So thank you for letting me know about Sue Ryder counselling. I will try and find a number to make enquiries. I have been looking for a Saint who helps with housework.!! Hoping to be there spiritually with me to egg me on. I found a name Saint Zeta. But not a lot is happening. I even pray to a friend who died 24 years ago who was a saving grace to me at one time and used to lend me his hoover. Lol this must sound mad.x the truth of the matter is I need company to help me move and get things done. I’ve considered getting someone I can pay to help me but feel ashamed that I’m not doing it myself. I turn to shopping to get out and result is I’m cluttered even toiletries. If I can get the counselling that might help. Il say cheerio for now and wish you all best wishes and to everyone on here.xxMags.

Hi Mags everything you say is quite understandable and for the moment your way of coping. To get some counselling on here I’ve gone through it for you so just do the points as below…

  1. Go to sueryder.org - main page
  5. Click on COMPLETE THIS FORM if it comes up with We’re sorry there is no availability

You will give your details and go on a waiting list which for me wasn’t very long at all and they contact you with possible dates.

Hope you see this soon as I really do recommend them… Mine is absolutely worth her weight in gold and it is helping me come to terms in a way and even helping me understand why I react the way I do and normalises things.

Big hugs and let me know if you get it done. Aways here for a chat any time.


Dear Poppy, thank you so much for the list of instructions. It’s like you know me. It’s just what I need, a list. Otherwise I find things a lot to take in.x
This will be a goal for me to help myself. As I need to function better for the sake of my grandchildren. My grandson is a regular visitor and helps me out with shopping and online carry out food which he orders for me. My granddaughter hasn’t been to see me or got back to me re a couple of texts. She works outdoors with horses which is the love of her life.
But I need to get the house in order for them when the do visit. My grandson tries to encourage me to get things done.
I feel like my life has come to a kind of emotional standstill. But I want to do it for them. They’ve lost their mum so I don’t want them to think I’m not any use to them.
So thank you once again for your immense kindness by doing this list for me.x
I will try to update you of any successes I have getting on to the counselling.
My cat Mia just came onto my bed for a snuggle. !! Lovely.xx
Best wishes to you, Mag.