Hello to every one
I really need help my wonderful husband of 40 years has gone forever he left me in April .
I am lost and can’t cope.
I talk out loud to him and go over and over in my mind the few days when he was unwell I never expected him to die.
Every thing seems pointless now.
Getting ready every day why ?cooking a meal why ? I live on sandwiches no fun or any pleasure eating on my own.
I am in agony xx
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I’m so sorry for your loss and heartache @Dol1. It truly is horrendous finding ourselves in this situation, and the pain and distress feels so overwhelming it feels like it is impossible to keep going.
I’m 4 months in and still feel very much how you do,
Sadly I have no answers for your pain, but perhaps it will help being on this site and knowing that you are not alone in your grief, and that others feel as you do.
I find it helps to put things on here , where people really do understand, and there is always someone who will reach out and offer some kindness or support.
Be kind to yourself and really do just try to get through each hour and day at a time.
Sending some strength for you xxx
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We are all with you, honestly.
Just take an hour at a time, scream and cry if you need to. Try to sleep and eat a little, easier said than done. Life seems pointless, no reason to get up, wash, cook. It will get a tiny bit better with each day that passes, even if you don’t want it to.
Honestly!
Keep posting and reading, you will see we all understand.
Love and hugs xx
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Hi we are all going through what your suffering(even us so called tough stiff upper lip guys) have been reduced to quivering wrecks,everything seems abnormal and strange,tears flow easily,don’t despair lean on these lovely ladies and men on here,they make you feel less alone,sending you strength Ron
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Thank you I can barely think or function
Have you got family or friends to support you? I’ve been surprised how kind some people have been, just sort of scooping me up and taking me out for little walks or coffee, letting me weep, listening. I’ve felt like an invalid, scarcely able to take care of myself and yet weighed down by the burden of unexpected sadmin.
All I can say is that it’s six months since I lost my husband to cancer and I think it is getting imperceptibly better. I still cry buckets, get caught out by things that remind me of him, break down in the middle of mundane phone calls to the bank, but I am managing to do some gardening and I’ve had my grandchildren to stay. I’ve been to the dentist and the optician and feel quite proud of myself for facing that. Life will never be the same again but somehow I’m putting one foot in front of the other.
Take all the help that is offered, lean on your friends and maybe sign up for counselling.
And don’t beat yourself up for being in a haze. Be gentle to yourself.
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Thank you.
My husband and I were very content to be with each other and had friends of course but not a wide social circle.As you get older we did not go out as we did in our younger days
We have a small family now as we have lost so many family members over the years.
I have been very overwhelmed by the kindness and flowers and cards from so many people.Phone calls and texts and visits.
They are now getting a bit less as people get on with their own work and lives.
I just can’t go out to enjoy myself so I am very miserable.
I am surrounded by paper work of this to change
And I have never. Done it before.
The whole thing is missing him so badly I talk to
Out loud and tell him things.
Is this normal xxx
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Hello,
Everything you say is normal. I could have written it myself. I sit back and let my husband do all the finances, computer stuff and most DIY. I haven’t got a clue. We didn’t have many close friends or family either.
Your feelings are perfectly normal.
Most of us here are still reeling from the shock of being left adrift. My husband died suddenly 7 weeks ago. I have found this site to be a great comfort. Everyone is kind and supportive. Xx
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I lost my husband almost 4 weeks ago. We’d been married for almost 10 years (he lost his first wife in 2012). Why do I wake up every morning sobbing. The tears won’t stop. I loved him so much that I just can’t see a future without him. He had leukaemia and we knew the prognosis wasn’t brilliant, but the condition was stable and we expected just a few more years. He picked up an infection and suddenly he was gone - too soon - we weren’t ready.
We did everything together. I can’t sit in the garden or summerhouse because he’s not there. I can’t go shopping because he’s not with me. Everything feels so pointless, so hopeless.
He has a son and daughter and they have been supportive but they’re not him and they have their own families.
How do you carry on when life has no meaning any more. 
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Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now and get through the next hour. Be kind to yourself, try to eat, even junk food is better than nothing. Sleep if and when you can, and just do what you really have to do for now. Keep posting here for moral support.
Hugs xx
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Thank you for that. Why does it feel worse now than days ago. I can’t stop the tears and I know I should 'cos I know he wouldn’t want me to be like this. I just feel so helpless or hopeless or both. I just don’t know which way to turn. I knew it would be difficult when the time came but we weren’t prepared and I’m finding it harder than I thought possible.
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Initially you go into shock and your body and mind go into protection mode, I am in no way qualified in this but based on experience, sadly you start to try and understand what has happened, you go over everything time and time again and it fills your days and often, nights, your grief is massive, I believe that grief is really the love you have for the person you have lost, personally I look on grief as an extension or continuation of that love and therefore is not something that you have to “get over” its not something that has to be “cured” as if it was some sort of problem, you wouldn’t try that with love! so you have to learn to live with it, it will always be with you, after all, it is the love you have for that person.
The pain that goes with this is also massive, it fills your whole world, there is no room for anything else, don’t fight it, acknowledge your feelings, if you want to cry do so, don’t think that its wrong or you should put on a brave face, a brave face is not for your benefit and don’t worry about others.
4 weeks is no time, mine is 12 weeks and I am only just beginning to allow other things to have a place in my mind, I am really talking about necessary things and things I need to give some thought to and very very slowly your all absorbing grief and pain makes a tiny little bit of room for other things, it doesn’t go away, it never will but it shares your space and it is this that will start to lessen the pain, sometimes it will crash into your world with a vengeance and you will think you are right back at the beginning but these episodes will, little by little lose their intensity.
A big problem I have found is the intense times of loneliness, the realisation that your loved person is not there and, really hard to say, is not going to be, I have thoughts on this but not ready to put them into words but I do have a little feeling that these surfacing thoughts, may be of some comfort, at least to me.
Harriet4Bill, you are probably in the toughest place at the moment, I only signed up to this forum a couple of days ago, I do find it helps, hopefully you will to.
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I feel my husband is here I talk out loud to him and think oh I must tell him that.
Then realise he is not.
I woke up the other morning as I could sense someone was very very close and staring at me right at my face.
One day last week
I was having a nap on the sofa and I was just waking up when my husband very swiftly walked past me from his chair in the corner he wasn’t using his zimmer frame.
I am going mad xx
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Just had a text from a friend asking what I’m thinking of doing today. I said I might cut the grass and there again I might not. Just can’t get my head in gear to do anything at the moment. My husband and I had plans for the garden and I don’t feel I can carry on with these because he’s not here to see it.
My friend tells me to keep busy as it’s mind over matter. All I can say is my mind is not working and at the moment nothing matters.
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Hi I know exactly what you mean
The things we were going to do together will never happen now.we will never go out for Sunday lunch or walk with our dog on the beach.
Small things although now I realise they were very important.
A few friends and family have said it is what it is.
I must make new things to do and unhelpfully it’s going to happen to all of us.
I don’t really respond to those comments .
I have other friends who are so supportive and tell me what I am feeling is normal.
Much love Xx
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Don’t take any notice of other people telling you how you should feel or what you must do to “get over it”. They may be well meaning but they simply don’t understand.
You loved him, he shared your life, he was there when you needed to talk through difficult decisions, he was there when you just wanted to share something inconsequential. Now he’s not there and you are alone. That’s going to hurt. Of course it’s going to hurt. Your life will never be the same again. You may, with time, learn to function again, but your loss will always be part of you.
Anyone who makes you feel you aren’t handling it well enough doesn’t deserve space in your life just now.
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Hi I also talk to my wife every day,over the last twelve weeks I have experienced (or think I have) certain things I cannot explain,whether it’s happened,grief or just losing my marbles I don’t know.
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I am so sorry I understand exactly.
Our lives are completely changed forever nothing can be the same now and people who say you must go on and go forward and make your new life don’t understand.
How are we meant to do that .
It is 12 weeks for me this weekend.
Weekends are hateful horrible and I just want them over.
No making of a tasty Sunday lunch any more with compliments after being gobbled down and the dishes always being done and cleared away.
How can I or any of us cope with a life like this now and forever.
I know you have mentioned some things you may have experienced or imagined.
You have not lost your marbles the love of your life is thinking of you and it is so intense for you
I believe loved ones just do not go and leave us.
Much love and comfort
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So sorry @Dol1 I lost my partner 9 months ago, but I still kiss his photo every night and tell him what I’ve done that day. I talk to him a lot, and if there’s something I can’t do round the house, I ask him what I should do.
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I am so very sorry for your loss .
Seven weeks must feel like a life time yet I know it also feels like yesterday.
My husband like your dear man did everything
Banking ,finance all accounts and I never asked about any of it.Shopping,driving lots of DIY making light meals.Doing the bins.
I can’t believe how much he did and now I have to cope with it all.
The phone calls to banks and just about everything to cancel him off bank accounts etc
Is horrible emotional and like I am cutting him out of my life.
Lots of love to all of my new friends