Yeah I feel you. It’s 5 months for me on Thursday and I really don’t understand how we’ve got this far.
I feel like I have 3 modes in my grief at the moment. I have the daily getting through life and doing things because if I think about how catastrophic this has been for myself and my dad it’s too much to bear. Like when I think about it too deeply and how utterly devastating this actually is; it’s still unbelievable because this should’ve never happened. She shouldn’t have died, it’s really hard knowing you’re thinking that is something that could never happen and it can because it has. But you know the most wonderful person in the world (my mum) should still be here to make it wonderful you know. So if I think too much on it just overtakes me you know.
Then I have the other mode, where things have gone back to ‘normal’, you know work, seeing friends, daily things but nothing is actually the same and you’re the only one who really feels the affects of that because the person you’ve lost is so direct and dear to you. And I hate this one because my dad and I are in a routine and kind of not but it feels like life has been this way forever and yet just 6 months ago we still had our actual ‘normal’ life with a routine of 3 and I really yearn for that again you know and it’s hard knowing I won’t ever get it back. How much those daily little things mattered, I miss hearing my mum say to me when I come home ‘alright Lou?’ And I miss texting her when I was getting the train (I still do, I send it to her wherever she is just hoping she reads them some how, some way that I can’t see).
And then of course there is the other mode where I am kind of a husk, a shell of who I was before. I zone out a lot, I’m thinking about her constantly, even if I’m doing something else my thoughts always stray back to her, sometimes I will just endlessly scroll on my phone at random YouTube shorts etc because my mind needs something else to focus on, my body still very much feels the affects too. It’s tired so often and my legs always ache and my hips are bad, my overall energy levels are so low. When I’m in this mode I often will find myself crying but still doing something I need to do. For example making my lunch for the next day or washing the dishes.
But it’s also crazy how I can just switch between all of them consistently all in one day. Like I know my body is still in shock and it probably will be for a long time, but it’s crazy how much inside myself I know I’m not me. You know and it’s sad knowing I won’t ever be who I was before again because how could I because the person i had before had her mum. One of the greatest people in my life and my best friend, who I just really thought I’d have the privilege of knowing longer and experiencing life with.
So honestly it’s awful but it’s hard because you still have to look after yourself. But I also feel the further I drift away, the harder I find to tell people in my life how I really am and really feel. You know how are you? It’s just a general day to day move along. As you know for the day to day I am fine, but the deeper level fact is I never really will be again
Wow,
So many experiences and so many good mothers. Sad to hear your story Victoria and others too
I resonate with so many of your stories.
I lost my mum April 2022 to cancer. I was honored to care for her with my dad, but there were some harrowing days.
Mum was such a calm strength of presence. I sob still and grieve that i have no children myself and its been really hard to get back to work still. It feels like I am stuck back in time and wonder if I will feel that i can have a purpose beyond caring for someone so valuable
What could be next?..
Hi everyone, hope you are doing as well as possible? I am really struggling right now, it’s the Christmas period which is heightening everything.
I want to curl up in a ball and hide away from everyone … my mum only passed away last year, I feel that I won’t be able to say that next year, and there’s nothing to look forward to
Hi Sienna
Sending strength and love to you I’m in the same frame of mind, lost mum in August 23 and Christmas is the most difficult time of the year. I’m telling myself 1 day and it’s over with, and that we managed to get through the first Christmas without. It was brutal. Every day is so difficult, our mums are irreplaceable but I truly believe they are with us somehow.
I hope you find some comfort and strength, we are all going through this together xx
Hi Victoria, I remember your mum passed same month as mine August 2023… I feel it’s getting worse for me mentally especially the flash backs. I took one positive step today and I referred myself for talking therapy although I’m not sure if I will be able to talk, I start getting upset. Typing like this is easier but not sure about talking as I start getting that swelling feeling in my throat (panic attack)… will see how it goes. Sending you hugs too x thanks for replying 🩷
@Sienna1 I remember, both August, and I’ll be honest, this past week has been one of my toughest, it feels like the more time that passes, the more distant my mums love goes and I feel like I’m clinging on. Respect to you for taking that step for counselling, I haven’t been able to do this yet, I’m not sure it’s for me. Let me know how it goes and if it’s worth me looking into it. There has to be some better days ahead than these over the past few weeks for us, but I can relate with you feeling it’s getting harder xx sending love
It is getting harder … what a dark journey this is. I really have been in two minds about counselling, I’ve forced myself only today to make the referral although I’ve been sitting on it for months, not sure how they will help. I’m worried it will unravel more pain and I will be left to deal with it. If it isn’t for me I will just stop it I guess. I will let you know xxx
I feel your pain Sienna & Victoria.
I lost my mum in late July this year & it hurts so so much. I’ve never had a Christmas without mum.
Well done referring yourself for counselling. In my area there’s a 5 month waiting list so you may feel more able for it once the appointment comes around. I’m hoping that a professional will be able to help me process some of my emotions though I too don’t know if I will be able to actually open up & keep bringing the pain to the surface, although I cry a lot everyday & mostly are never far from tears so maybe it won’t hurt any more than it already does.
I feel like the best part of me died when mum did.
Hi @Anna_321
I hope some comfort has come from this site, it has helped me so much this past 15 months. The tears don’t stop, and i feel like i am only half the person I was before mum died, she really was my wings and life without her is so difficult. We find strength from somewhere, and we’re all here for one another. Sending you love and hope this Christmas passes as quickly for us all xx
Anna, I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your mum from the bottom of my heart it’s only very recent too, don’t pressurise yourself into counselling and things like that now. I found I was (and still am) in survival mode, just getting through the days and nights somehow. Christmas, New Years and anniversaries are tough, when everyone else is celebrating you feel isolated and alone as we don’t have that one person who had our backs, our happiness, that pure love. I hope you have a few people around you who you can be with you at this difficult time… I had my siblings so I spent time with them during this time as we share that same pain and don’t need to be a certain way… sending hugs to you. This is a life saving website I honestly haven’t met any other people sharing the same grief as me x
I do have my sisters but we are all in pain (in different ways) & well meaning friends who say things like your mum wouldn’t want you to be sad/ it’s the circle of life/ don’t wallow in your misery so it’s so hard to be around anyone. I’ve always got tears in my eyes. I cry in the street, in the shops, whilst driving.
I won’t pressure myself with the counselling but there was a point a few weeks ago when I was so low & also lashing out (verbally) at anyone who tried to be nice to me. I felt very self destructive & it scared me so I thought I better get help. Sadly I then found out about the 5 month waiting list but I did then find this site. I put my name down for the counselling but as it’s likely to be in Q2 2025 before I hear back I have plenty time to think about whether I can go through with it or not.
@Anna_321
So relatable at how friends and family react around us and I can honestly say, I felt like you do, rather be alone than listen to comments like that. For me, the people on this site, who have shared their thoughts and feelings, messaged such kind words and expressed true understanding of our overwhelming grief to complete strangers, no one understands how life changing it is until they have lost their mum. Even our closest friends just don’t get it.
I feel as though im never going to be the same person I was in my whole life and that I’m trying to work out how to adjust to that. I’ve changed so much as a person since mum died, has it had the same impact on you? Xx
@KatieLou
How are you doing? We’re all nearing Christmas, which is without doubt, the most difficult time for us without our mum and just wanted to say, we’re here if you want to message. The first Christmas without my mum was what I look back on as completely numb. Sending love
Hi Victoria,
Thank you so much for your kind & thoughtful replies. It’s heartbreaking to know you’re going through this too.
I too think I am forever changed.
When I lost my dad (14 years ago tomorrow) I was a mess for 18 months but I knew I had to cope & be strong for mum. I had strength then & a will to go on. Now that’s all gone.
There isn’t a thing that I want to do now. Nothing makes me happy.
Nothing feels worth the bother.
I don’t feel like I have a life any more. I’m just existing.
I don’t want to see friends because I don’t want to mask my pain. To be fair they don’t want me to mask it but I know they can’t cope with it.
I have permanent black rings around my eyes now from the endless crying.
It’s not correct to say I have no one as I have friends & family but I feel so alone. I have never felt lonely in my life because I always had mum no matter what was going on.
No one can really understand your pain, as your relationship was unique to you and your mum.
I understand it is difficult to speak to others when they are grieving too as you don’t want to add to their sadness. I feel that there is a limit to what I can express to my brothers as I’m conscious of upsetting them. They are dealing with it in a totally different way to me.
You have described exactly how I’m feeling/how we are all feeling…
I have also been avoiding friends for the past year. I cannot physically or mentally deal with speaking, having a conversation with anyone about things we used to talk about, it has all changed. I prefer to be alone so I can just be how I want to be. I feel that life has lost its colour and for me there is nothing left really. I am in that dark place too right now hence I’ve reached out again on this chat as I feel lost.
I was looking at Sue Ryder Grief Kind Spaces where people can meet up - but there isn’t one near me otherwise I would go to that to meet people like you here
Yes I too looked for a grief kind space Sienna, although I don’t know if I’d have the energy to actually go even if one had been near me.
I think the pain of grief will never leave us but I hope the waves of anguish will lessen in the future. Christmas is making it worse.
@Sienna1@Anna_321
There must be somewhere that offers a safe space for people like ourselves to meet and just talk through our grief.
We’re all pretty much on the same page this evening, I must say thank you to you both, chatting about my feelings tonight has helped so much
Not that I can get a good nights sleep though, I think that might be after the Christmas period is done xx
I feel the same, thanks to you both too and everyone x
It is overwhelming to meet up with people, I get that, it’s a vicious cycle of wanting to speak about it but not having the energy. I just can’t be bothered to either!
My issue is panic attacks, I physically get problems if I talk about it or think about it too much- my throat swells up and I feel I can’t breathe, also get numbness in my chest and face/head and chest pains. I try to avoid certain triggers. This is why I’m anxious about counselling, I’m in two minds and wishing I hadn’t referred myself now…
My GP had recommended it twice to me, first time I didn’t follow through when they called and now I’m feeling the same !
I’m in the same frame of mind, lost mum in August 23 and Christmas is the most difficult time of the year. I’m telling myself 1 day and it’s over with, and that we managed to get through the first Christmas without. It was brutal. Every day is so difficult, our mums are irreplaceable but I truly believe they are with us somehow.
it’s only very recent too, don’t pressurise yourself into counselling and things like that now. I found I was (and still am) in survival mode, just getting through the days and nights somehow. Christmas, New Years and anniversaries are tough, when everyone else is celebrating you feel isolated and alone as we don’t have that one person who had our backs, our happiness, that pure love. I hope you have a few people around you who you can be with you at this difficult time… I had my siblings so I spent time with them during this time as we share that same pain and don’t need to be a certain way… sending hugs to you. This is a life saving website I honestly haven’t met any other people sharing the same grief as me x