Hi All,
New to the site and having read some of your posts last night, I really found comfort and understanding as to what I am going through, like so many of you.
I lost my mum 13 weeks ago, unexpectedly despite her being unwell for a couple of months. I never thought that she was so poorly that she wasn’t going to get better and die that weekend . Having taken her to A&E on the Friday night and sitting holding her hand for 6 hours solid, with the appalling care and attention given during those 6 hours I genuinely thought that the doctors and nurses were going to actually treat mum for her medical conditions when they finally assessed her and said they would keep her in to treat her condition. At no point did I think she was dying and at no point did doctors suggest that mum was in a bad way in A&E. by Monday she had died. The day I have dreaded all my life. We were so close and loved each other unconditionally in the most perfect mother daughter relationship I could have ever dreamed of. I am really struggling with how to adapt to life without my mum, I can’t sleep, I relive the Friday to Monday when mum passed every weekend and count the weeks since she passed. I don’t know how to keep finding the strength to get up every day and function. Just offloading my feelings on here has helped already.
So sorry for your loss . I lost my Dad in July suddenly aged 75 it completely broke me . There’s nothing I can say to help apart from this site can be a life line and you are among people who understand. It does help to talk . I have to take life a day at a time now .
Also the amount of people having inadequate care in hospital from the what I have read on here is frightening… and really sad 
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m in pieces from missing my dad and also relive the awful moments at the hospital. Glad you’ve found your way here, nothing helps the pain but at least there are people who understand the depth of our love for our parents and how impossible it feels to cope with their absence.
@VictoriaB1
Im so sorry to hear you have lost your mum . My mum passed away suddenly in 2021 after a stroke , i was her carer and we were so close like two peas in a pod . I have really struggled since then but somehow i am still here. Just have to keep getting out of bed every morning and keep going for your mum . I know my mum wants me to so i do it for her . It is a difficult journey and life will never be the same again . Im here if you need to talk. Take care and sending you lots of love .
Angie x
Thank you @Laura8 you are right, it helps to talk with people who are fully understanding of the grief on this portal and I like yourself I am living 1 day at a time.
I’m sorry for your loss, I hope today is a good day.
Thank you so much @Angie4 for the kind words. I’m so sorry about your loss, I was extremely close to my mum and like you, I get up every day as mum wouldn’t want me to derail and give up.
It’s very difficult adapting to life without.
I may take you up on the offer to talk, I’m finding this site very comforting.
I hope you are having a good day and sending love x
Thank you @Ulma, your words are so true and relatable. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope we can get through this with the amazing support on this platform.
Sending love x
message me any time x
@VictoriaB1
Hello . You are very welcome , this a wonderful site to be on as we are all going through the same experience. Today hasnt been too bad . You can private messsage me if you prefer. Take care.
Love Angie x
Sending you hugs and hope that it’s one of the less bad days for you. It’s good that we can be here for each other. There are so few who understand. Feel free to message me if you like.
Hello Victoria.
I’m so sorry to read of the loss of your dear mum. I’m so sorry you have had to join this club that we are all part of but it’s a wonderful place to share feeling, ask for help and just to know you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences even though it’s different for everyone of us.
I lost my lovely mum 2 years ago this Christmas. Dec 27th to be exact and I really do believe that mum found some strength to hang on for both my birthday on 22nd and Christmas Day. But sadly, she was suffering so much it was a terrible time. I’m an only child and since my Dad died 16 years ago, it’s just been mum and I and our two little dogs. We had no other family so now just me and our two little dogs. We managed to get through the first year just getting through each day. I had to get up to look after our dogs as I promised mum I would. They still get me through each day yet there are times of the day I feel particularly awful even now. I don’t think I’ll ever feel any different, how can I without my best friend. Like you and your mum, our relationship was so very close. I’m trying to adjust to this new ‘life’, but it’s an experiment and I’m not too keen on it if I’m completely honest.
I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
Take care.
X
Hi Paula
Thank you for the lovely message and taking the time to share your own grief and loss.
This site does offer me comfort and I don’t feel so alone in expressing my feelings and grief with people who can relate and truly understand.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Christmas must be such a difficult time and emotions so raw, sending love and prayers for you this Christmas.
I also lost my dad at the early age of 3 so my mum was my world, she gave me everything and more, made me who I am today and to live life without her is simply unbearable. I got a puppy in June as I’d just moved into my new house in January so having the little pooch has been a godsend really as mum passed in August. It gives me a reason to get up every day and walk her, plus the full on responsibility keeps me going otherwise I think I’d have gone off sick and not got out of bed these past few months. One day at a time but I feel I’ll never be the same me again, my mum was my everything xx
Bless you Victoria.
I’m so pleased you have your little pooch. Mine are 11 and 8 years old now and they both suffered too when mum died.
You lost your dad at a very young age, that must have been so hard and I can quite understand how life with your mum became even more important. Both her love for you and yours for her. My mum and I lived together so I never even left home! I never married and had a career but I gave up for after mum died and took a works pension early so it’s also a massive adjustment living both alone and on very limited income. In many ways, the days of Covid, though terrible, became a blessing as mum deteriorated during that time and I was able to work from home and care for her. But, I’ve many regrets as I know I could have done better but often, I couldn’t see the wood from the trees as I knew what was coming and I dreaded it whilst trying to stay strong for mum and yet value every hug and kiss I could. I used to walk the dogs morning and afternoon for 20 mins and cry my eyes out then trying to put on a smiling face when I got home as best I could yet both of us knew time was very limited.
It must be so very hard when loss comes as a shock as it did for you when you lost your mum. There’s no easy way, I know that. I find when I got to bed of a night, I’m just so relieved to get through another day and so exhausted even if I’ve done nothing at all. I’ve learned that grief is exhausting in its own right.
I had some counselling from this wonderful charity. I was a palliative care nurse so I felt I should have known better and cared for mum better and I was so grateful just to have a wonderful lady from here to speak to an a regular basis for the sessions on offer.
It’s nice to know we are all here for each other even though none of us wish anyone had to be here.
Take care and keep in touch if you would like to.
X
Hi Paula,
It sounds as though you have dreaded this day for a long time, and as you say, nothing can ever prepare you for it. The love and sharing life with your mum is something so many people would envy and it does bring comfort and a warm heart knowing you had that bond and quality time together, we can’t ever get that time back, covid and working from home gave us that extra time with our mums, 1 benefit of those awful years. I’m glad you have the dogs, they are a great comfort and my pooch is getting me through the day. I know how you feel when you get in bed, it’s an achievement for me to get through another day without mum. I never thought I’d be able to do that so it gives hope.
Here if you ever fancy a chat and sending love and prayers to you tonight xx
Likewise Victoria.
We have a lot to be thankful for that’s for sure.
Sleep well.
X
Reading these posts I know now that I’m not alone out there surviving through these lonely days without my mother. She passed away in October and I’m still crying like a child whenever I’m triggered by something or someone. My dad died when I was 10. My mom was like a father and a mother to me these past 45 years. We had our ups and downs but we always supported and loved each other completely. I never married nor have children. I think in part because I knew in my heart that I was destined to take care of her in her later years. But I never knew it would be this hard after her passing. I’ve been reading a lot trying to find anything that may comfort my distress and this quote has helped a little: ‘change is never painful, only our resistance to it causes pain’. Finding this site has been helpful as well knowing there are others out there feeling and suffering as I am.
Hello Peter.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. I’m sorry too that you are going through so much suffering. But I wanted to thank you for sharing your particular circumstances as I too was an only child with no siblings and never married and so have no children or other family. Like you, I always knew that if I lived longer than my mum and dad ( dad died 16 years ago and mum Christmas 2 years ago this year ), I would care for them. I tried my whole life to prepare myself for this time. I’m 60 in two weeks time and I never ever thought I would be so unprepared or so struck with such deep sadness and such a desire to see them and be with them both again. It’s such a wonderful thing that we can share our thoughts and experiences here to help each other and know we are not alone in our feelings. God bless.
hello paula, thank you for the kind words. i’m sorry for your losses and hope you find peace within yourself. as they say, grief can’t be shared but we can share in our healing. i’m almost in awe at the intensity of my grief for my late mum. it comes on gradually and suddenly. triggers com out of nowhere and slip you into instant sorrow. tears form out of nowhere and without warning. it’s difficult to accept how someone can be present in everyway yet also physically be gone forever. i think the initial numbness of my mum’s death is beginning to wear off. what’s followed is becoming some of the most intense emotions i’ve ever felt, as if, the fog has lifted and i can now clearly see that she has truly left this world and i. i didn’t fully understand the term ‘loneliness’ until now. i notice her absence in every object, every action and every thought. it’s like a crushing weight that leaves me completely breathless. in this clarity, i’m suddenly remembering all the arguments, every wasted moments and every missed opportunities and the regret i feel is paralyzing.
Thank you too, Peter, for your kind words.
You describe your feeling so very well. I recall the same and it’s not changed. I have a name for how I feel as I have never found the words to describe those early feelings and after mum funeral and the subsequent days, much like a dawning and not one that’s really wanted by any of us. I call it my feeling of doom, as you say, things hit you, to the point of feeling breathless and even physical feelings that I find it impossible to shake away. So many things that then start to be relived too, just as you say and so many wishes and regrets in just the way you describe. I think what doesn’t help is that it’s very exhausting too and when you have been caring for someone, that’s even harder, such a gap but also, we are tired even though it’s what we wanted to do. I often think about the times I was not a good carer, not a good daughter. I then think how I’d give anything to have my mum to kiss and hug one more time but I imagine how I’d feel if that dream and wish could be realised. No easy days………I’m thinking of everyone on here and sending love and prayers that despite our feelings, we know we are loved by those we loved and that never goes away. 
