My beautiful fiance took his life just 5 weeks ago. I feel like half of me is missing. I do not know how i have got through the last weeks. From the minute we talked on the phone he felt like i knew him. We were inseperable, could not bear to be apart at all. We shared a simple life enjoying every minute together. He had depression issues throughout our time which strained our relationship. His motherhad taken her life too when he was young. The last few months i feel so guilty about as i feel he felt abandoned by me. I was in a bad place myself. We had a few worries hanging over us and were both in a bad place and i was numb. Although we went out the night before he took his life and also a few hours before he died we enjoyed time in the sunshime at the park, laughing and relaxing. Sadly we had a silly argument when we got back. I was venting, i was letting out some past pain. We had had arguments far worse after we argued i went into my room and continued to get ready to go out with him in the afternoon. My son was with me and then he left to go out to town. I went to find my partner in the living room. He was gone. I found him in the garage. It was the most painful , most indescribable pain that hit me as he had taken his life. I feel so guilty that i was wrapped up in my sadness , my pain and neglected his feelings. I would never ever have expected this to happen. I love him so deeply. He is my whole world. I feel he has killed me too. I have 2 children and our dog that need me to carry on. The funeral is monday. Im falling apart. I lost my sister who was my bestfriend just under 3 years ago and my mum 10 years ago. I dont have much other family. My friends do not understand. I cant cope and dont know how to get through. My doctor has put me on antidepressants which have flattened me. Im chain smoking. I just want to be with him. My only comfort is that one day ill be gone and can be with him.
Oh @Lindsey26 what pain you are going through. My heart goes out to you. Please believe that it was your poor fiancé’s illness from his own life which made him take his life, not your actions. I am sure many of us on here would like to go back and change things we did or didn’t do before losing our loved ones.
I do know from seeing other posts on here that there are some specialist places to get support after the suicide of a loved one. Hopefully someone will add those links here.
Hugs
Karen xxx
@Lindsay26, I am so very sorry for the devastating loss of your beautiful fiancé. I really hope that you find the community to be a support to you. Thank you for so bravely reaching out here.
I wanted to share the links that @KarenF has mentioned. They are organisations that support people who have lost a loved one to suicide and there will be many who understand some of what you are going through right now.
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide offer support to people over 18 who have been affected by suicide.
- Support after Suicide has a list of local and national support
You may also want to connect with @Helen74, who also sadly lost her partner to suicide. She recently posted a thread here: Struggling to carry on after suicide.
It sounds like you are coping with so much right now. There is always someone to help you through this. You can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
- If you’re worried you’re going to hurt yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
The community is here for you too - you are not alone.
Take care,
Seaneen
Hi Karen. Thankyou so much for your reply. I know it was his type of illness. He was often highly emotional and impulsive but 10 minutes later would be back to him again. I know in my heart he never would have left me and the boys and our whippet. I just wish i had kept his illness at the front of my mind. After years it all became the norm and i didnt appreciate his suffering enough. I never thought he would do this. I am struggling . I feel like a lost child. I miss my sister and mum too. Its such a lonely place. I miss him loving me. I miss everything about him.
Thankyou so much Seaneen. Really appreciate that. X
I totally understand your pain. My partner of nearly 4 years took his own life 7 weeks ago and I’m struggling so so much. I can’t say much at the minute as I’m with my daughter and trying not to cry but didn’t want to read and say nothing xx
Ohh @Helen74 thankyou for replying! Im so so terribly sorry for you are going through this pain too. Its indescribable, the frustration of it, the heartbreak and shock. The devastation. I still feel like im in a nightmare im going to wake up from. Do you ?Please message me privately if you like. Sending hugs to you right now xx
That exactly how I feel, it kind of hits me over and over again that it’s real. I know exactly why he did it and I know I couldn’t have stopped him but it doesn’t stop me going over and over conversations, arguments, situations where I could (should) have said/done something different. I’m not really functioning right now, I haven’t been put of the house since it happened! My older children have helped me with practical things but I also have an 11 year old who is home schooled and I’m only just managing to set her work online rather than actually teaching her. We live in a small town and the gossip is horrendous so I have no desire to reconnect to the world at the minute. I want to go to sleep and not wake up so I can be with him again but then I feel guilty because my kids would be devastated. I go from understanding why he did it to being angry that he did this to me! I too had been having my own issues and had got wrapped up in my own depression before he did it and I feel bad I wasn’t more present for him. I don’t know the answers, I’m barely functioning but I live in hope it will get easier eventually? I don’t want to intrude by privately messaging you as I know some days you want to talk and others you just shut down 
Helen xx
Hi @Helen74 Helen , ill privately message you later if that is ok. Sending hugs. Xx
That’s absolutely fine. Thinking of you today xx
Firstly I’m so sorry to hear about your tragic loss and I can totally relate to you, please feel free to message if you need a chat x
Me and my partner had a severe argument and he left our family home for a few weeks before his sudden death, our baby was 13 months at the time and On the night of June 28th 2022 I was trying to get hold of him but he was not replying to my messages, we had not separated just needed some space he was staying with a friend. He kept telling me he couldn’t cope without me and I was so wrapped up in the baby I just shrugged it off. The morning after of 29th June which was my birthday I called round at about 8am ad I was going to suggest we go for breakfast and talk but to my horror the door was ajar so I walked in and found him lying dead on his bed phone in one hand gripped tightly. He was cold and I knew he had been there for several hours, at the Inquest they said between 10pm and 12pm the night before which is the time I was trying to get hold of him so I just gave up and went to sleep. He had ended his life and he was gone. It’s been 9 months now and I feel worse now than ever I close my eyes at night and see him how I found him and it seems to be getting worse, why is it not getting easier? I have a full time job and a baby and I feel like my life is spiralling out of control
Hi @Becs84 xx im not sure if you got my private message with my number or not. Feel free to message me. Im so sorry for what you are going through xxx