Struggling to carry on after suicide.

My partner, soul mate and love of my life for 3.5 years took his own life 4 weeks ago, it’s all very complicated… there was a lot of stressors and it was all very complicated. He had also suffered abuse his whole life from his mum who blatantly had some sort of personality disorder and was an evil, nasty woman. She told him on a daily basis his whole life he was a waste of space, she should have aborted him, he should do everyone a favour and kill himself. Her first husband (my partner’s sister’s dad) also took his own life because after confiding in her that he thought he might be gay she told his family, friends and anyone else and ridiculed him constantly. His mother had also recently been physically abusing my partner’s dad (who had dementia) leaving him with black eyes, bruises all over his body and even caused a blood clot where she’s kicked him on his legs. Despite recordings and videos of the abuse it took months to get help than more months to get his dad in a home and his mother eventually into a psychiatric unit. I thought he’d walk away from it all once that happened but he still dealt with all the meetings with the psychiatrists etc and his mother still called constantly carrying on the abuse, his sister also began calling and verbally abusing him blaming him for everything! He told me I was the only good thing in his life and eventually everything would be ok. He said he hated his mum and wished her dead but looking back he was desperate for her to love him even though he was 47! I believe there had been sexual abuse from his mother too when he was younger too but he refused to go any further into it, he had issues sexually caused by whatever happened. He also had a court case hanging over his head which he’d been charged for just prior to Covid of a sexual assault to his ex girlfriend who is a woman in our town who’s renowned for lying about men and I know of 2 others she lied about before this. He lost his job because of this too. And he was trying to get access to his daughter but the court kept adjourning this case until the other one was done because he could have been facing a prison sentence. He was the type of person that buried his head in the sand so on top of all this he had a £3000 CSA bill because he hadn’t sent in proof he wasn’t working and because he wouldn’t claim Universal Credit (because with a job he wouldn’t be able to afford a barrister) he had been using his dad’s debit card to buy food, cigarettes and playing pool once a week for the past 5-6 months! And his sister had been threatening to report him for fraud! Because we didn’t live together (he wouldn’t because of the court case) his sister is next of kin and I have had to block her because she’s turning the abuse on to me, not saying things about me but horrible things about him! She also slipped up and said she wondered if he’s finally got a court date that morning or whether he’d had a letter about the fraud because he was really angry that morning, the most angry she’d ever heard him. She was supposed to be coming down that afternoon and he told her he had a hospital appointment (he didn’t) and that the door would be locked and where the key was. He mentioned killing himself and making sure his mum and sister lived with it for the rest of their lives but that was only ever said when he was angry so I didn’t really take it seriously. I knew he’d taken overdoses in the past though so I wish I’d done more. I called the police when I hadn’t heard from him for a whole day and he hadn’t been active on social media, they told me to go home and wait for news when they got to his parents house but I just knew he was in there and what he’d done. As far as I know his body is still where it went even though he was ready to be released on 3rd February. I sent her a message to tell her he didn’t want a funeral, he wanted a pure cremation and asked her if I could have his coat and pool cue and to get them to me via a mutual friend and to leave me alone because I wasn’t interested in her lies (she is a renowned pathological liar, even lying to us about having cancer so she didn’t have to come and help with her parents!!), luckily she lives 2 hours away! I didn’t mean to go into all this detail but it just all came out as I started typing! I’m struggling so much, I feel like it hits me that this has happened over and over, I’m having nightmares, I haven’t been out of my house in 4 weeks… I just don’t know what to do. I hadn’t seen him for a few weeks because we’d been a bit rocky due to the affect all this had on us both, I’d already been signed off work with stress and depression and I know he blamed himself for that. He messaged on Friday and Saturday saying he missed me and loved me, he said he just need a couple of weeks to sort his head out and then everything would be good. Something definitely happened that morning that made him very angry and I believe it was the court date or the notification of the fraud accusation! He took his life with no planning just anger and a f*** you to his mum and sister. I just wish he’d spoken to me more in the last weeks because I would have done anything to help him and prevent this happening! I’m lost and heartbroken and I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, I ask him every night to come and take me with him while I’m asleep. I haven’t left my house for 4 weeks and the only people I see or talk to are my 4 children (3 grown up and my 11 year old), my eldest has been living with me for a couple of months due to her flat flooding so she has basically been doing everything for me so I feel like a complete burden right now! I spend the majority of time in my bedroom, I have no motivation, I feel like a part of me has died. I’ve only showered 3 or 4 times since he died. I’m broken!


Hello @Helen74 ,

I’m so sorry that your partner has taken his own life - that is devastating. Many of our members have lost a loved one to suicide and will understand some of what you are going through.

You may wish to take a look at the following websites and organisations offering support to people in situations like yours:

You may also want to explore our Online Bereavement Support, where you find our Grief Guide self-help platform, our Grief Coach text support service, and how to access our Online Bereavement Counselling.

Do take care - you are not alone.


I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible events that led up to your partner taking his life. It is such a tragedy and that you are also experiencing continued harrassment from his family. My cousin also too his life a few years ago, due to gambling and addiction, and I saw for myself the terrible affects his death had on his partner. I think losing a partner to suicide can evoke many feelings and I know there is support out there which is specific to your loss. As a suggestion:

  • Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) are a great source of support for people who have been bereaved by suicide. See the SOBS website for details of their helpline, local support groups and have practical resources.
  • Cruse Bereavement Support also has some reading suggestions for and offer support for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Please also keep talking and posting on here, we are a community united by our grief and loss, whichever the circumstances. Lots of love xxx

Thank you both of you. I am a member of the SOBS forum but I don’t find it’s very active. I speak to my GP every week and I am due to start counselling in 3-4 weeks. I’m just struggling to see the point of life at the moment, all this pain you go through in life to just die anyway? I wouldn’t take my own life purely because I couldn’t inflict the pain I’m feeling onto my children. I’d like to think that if he could have looked into the future and seen how I have been the last 4 weeks he wouldn’t have done it BUT I also know he would never have coped in prison and that’s what he was looking at. He had been told he was looking at 4-6 years for something that he hadn’t done! :disappointed:


So sorry Helen, it is all very sad, hope you can find some support and strength from this online community, we all share your feelings of loss and hopelessness at times. Sending you lots of love xxx


I’m SO sorry. How much you are having to carry would flatten anyone so no wonder you feel rotten. My heart goes out to you.
The positive which comes shining through is your children and I time hopefully your focus will be more on those you still have who love you, not the awful people you have somewhere in life who don’t deserve a moment of your time.
I do hope between your GP and counsellors you can make some sense of what has happened enough to forgive yourself. You did nothing which needs forgiving but you need to believe that too.
Sending you loads of love
Karen xxx


Im so sorry for your loss ! Sounds awful :frowning: you hang in there for counselling xxx


What you have been through is truly terrible. I am so sorry. Life can be shit and some of us have more than others. Reading your story makes me realise my life isnt as bad as i thought. Sending hugs and sympathy. xx


Hi Helen, I’m so sorry to read what you are going through , it is massive, something that shines through is your empathy and understanding of all the awful things he had had to deal with from his original family , your understanding must have meant everything to him it’s terribly sad events happened and overwhelmed him, I hope you keep writing on here, this site has helped me so much, for me after a year I have hard days but also definitely coping better and some hope which I didn’t think would happen, life is changed but I have my son and his wife and now grandchild will be coming, big hug, Caroline :hibiscus: