Hi everyone,
I have been really struggling since my wife passed away a year ago
My therapist have said that joining a group with people who are experiencing the same may help,
So our story began just after covid lockdown (when things started to open up properly )
my wife wasn’t feeling too good really tired couldn’t take more then 4 steps with out been out of breath and tired and throwing up.
We went to doctors after a few episodes they sent her for test she come back her white cells was very low and needed a blood transfusion.
After a month she was back to how it started so again another transfusion happened,
Tge 3rd time it happened she was sent for more test and cameras to find where the bleeding was been lost for her cells to drop that much,
We got called in to see the doctor and was told they wanted to send get got a biopsy and camera to check her womb as it was showing thinking so we went had it done was told she was too young but they had to rule it out she was 35 at this point.
These was fast tracked so had a call in the same week to come to the hospital to get the results.
We walked into the room and I spotted the MacMillan before my wife.
I knew it wasn’t going to be the news we wanted to hear .
We was told she was stage 2 womb cancer we was told about what they had planned and treatment once she was in for her hysterectomy more test was done to determine what treatment she was going to have after. We thought okay a few months on radio or chemo it’s stage 2 we got it early
Fast forward a 1 week we got a call again to come back In the results was back.
We sat there and we was told it was worse then they though she was in fact stage 3 heading into 4 it had moved out of her womb into her ovaries but was happy with chemo for a year she could keep it at bay for years with regular check ups
Fast forward a year she got the stable it was asleep we got married ( supposed to get married the year she was in treatment but postponed it)
She was a gf treatment for 8 months and even with 3 months checks it went undetected and was in free to do what it wanted.
We went so many times with her bleeding getting told off t was normal (she had a hysterectomy don’t get how it was normal to bleed when it was taken away) anyway she got to point where she was in pain to move she couldn’t get out of bed sit up without crying in pain.
We went back to hospital the 6th time within a week and they kept her In she was there from July 2023 we was told the back end of August she was dying and the cancer had grown and attached it’s self to her bladder and was now shutting her kidneys down she was finally out of pain 5am on the 13th September 2023
It’s been really hard to cope without her and I don’t want to let her down and give up but some times I just want to be back with her I’m staying strong for our son.
Sending you a hug. I am so sorry for your loss. X
I am so very sorry. Life is very unfair. I hope you get as much support and understanding from this site as I have done.
I lost my husband 3 months ago from a cardiac arrest.
Sending hugs and strength.
Xx
So sorry to hear about your husband x
So sorry for your loss. X
Hi everyone I lost my wife on 27th of December 2022 it was and still is the worse day of my life we had been married for 20 years as we did everything together and now I’m lost have even thought about suicide so I can be with her again it’s really affected my mental health now I just lock myself away at home only go out when I really need to
I think many of us have had those thoughts, I know I have.
Please think about talking to someone about it. In the meantime, we are all here for you. All in the same boat, so we understand how you feel. There is a lot of support available for you right here. You can say anything, there is no judgement, just love and support.
Xx
Hi 115311
I have also had thoughts and even acted on them I had hit rock bottom but I knew it wasn’t good my wife Rach wouldn’t have liked to see me hurting myself and I also had to think about our son and family.
I went to therapy and doctors don’t get me wrong I still have the thoughts but no longer act on them it is very hard.
I also didn’t leave the house and still have them days it’s hard to get out of your own head some days what helps me is knowing she wouldn’t want me to live like this and she would be kicking me up the arse to get out even for a little walk each day I started with standing in the garden was safe space for me then took it to walking around the estate then getting in the car even baby steps are better then letting it all carry on in your head and struggling alone
Your not alone there are people in here to listen and also professional nice to have a rant at someone who isn’t family you can be more honest then you can with family
Sorry for your loss.
So sorry for what you have gone through , its horrific.
Its nearly 2 years since I lost my Husband to non hodgkins lymphoma on 26th November 2022.
It is truly awful to watch someone you love suffer so much 
I have some good days now but still some very bad days .
Please try and stay strong for your son , I know easier said than done , but he needs you, he has also lost his Mum .
This is a great place on here to come to when you are really down and suffering .
We all understand what each other is going through , so you dont feel so isolated and alone .
Well meaning people try to give you comfort , but they dont honestly know what it is like , if they have not been through it themselves.
Sending you some love at this horrible time .
If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you want your wife to handle things? Do that. Of course it hurts and it is going to keep hurting for a long time, but I promise the physical pain will lessen. There is life to be lived though trials and tribulations make us stumble, we stand up again. We have no choice.
Peace be with you.
I just wish I was with her now I don’t no how much more of this pain I can take it’s not a life it’s just an existents without her
Keep strong
Have you tried talking to someone ? I went to therapy and found it to help a lot as you could be honest with them and tell them how you really feel I never told my family how bad I was as dont want to put that on them.
I got to point where I didn’t leave the house unless it was for work and family and friends had noticed that. I couldn’t sleep one night and decided oh let’s get a dog lol, and honestly she’s been the best distraction I have no choice but to get out the house for her and I don’t feel as alone when she’s here.
(Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying go get yourself a dog lol,)
Maybe just alittle distraction each day to help get you through it and it does get slightly easier to get up every morning knowing you hurt inside and don’t want too but you do it for the ones we love and have lost. I know Rach wouldn’t have wanted me giving up she would have wanted me to carry on and think of her in everything I do and how proud she would be that I’m pushing through it all and not wasting our life that should have been spent together physically but I know she’s watching over us and she’s made such an impact on my life that she will always be with me X
I no I haven’t told my family how I really feel because they have enough to deal with so I don’t tell I have tried talking but it doesn’t help for me
Try talking to a therapist or get into a widow/widower group so you can talk to others who know exactly what you are going through. It helps to talk, just not to people who haven’t a clue what it is like to be bereaved over a spouse.
Hour by hour my friend and we shall all learn to live fully again.
Peace.
There are other therapies besides talk therapy. Body therapies or Somatic therapies might help. There might be someone on Zoom who does this. I didn’t find talk therapy helpful for me. Also, the Grief Recovery Method might help. I don’t know much about it, but have heard it can be helpful.
Thank u I will try and find out more about this
Different things work for different people. Or, combinations of things. I also recommend Alan Wolfelt’s books. They are short books purposely because w/ grief it’s hard to concentrate too long. Many topics all related to grief.They helped me more than other books I’ve read.
I understand all your feelings. I have found here in South Africa there really are so few opportunities enabling me to move on. I think, mostly the solution is to find somebody new to walk through life with.
I stay in my flat far too much simply because I get tired of doing everything alone, cannot really find places to go that “support” singledom and when I go out looking for people to talk to, I just don’t find them. I come back as frustrated as when I left. People have this strange notion that I mope around here all day or lie on the bed crying all day … I don’t… I simply don’t know where to go to find others that are looking for what I need! The times I have tried …I feel simply help me kill time … I really want more for my life.
soxy, I have visited SA twice. I never wanted to leave! The people, the scenery, the food!
Perhaps you should google grief support groups in your area. You will meet others who also don’t know how to get back into the business of living.
We are all walking blind, I hope you find someone to help guide you.
Peace be upon you.
Sure . I understand many holiday makers love it here … Game farms, wine estates, restaurants, sunshine, coastlines. … You probably felt much the same as I felt when travelling to other places.
Living somewhere and visiting on holiday are two entirely different things.
What you don’t know is that our government gives us nothing so financially life becomes harder and harder each day. Also because so many refugees have been given access to come make their lives here, it has “robbed us” of jobs. Those of us that are fully South African and depend on those jobs for our survival are now out of opportunities. That is terrifying. The Many friendly dark skinned people are friendly mostly become they are so desperate for money (car guards for example). They live in conditions that few people would cope with anywhere else in the world and the middle to upper class here ignore. I too, even as a South African fell for their enthusiasm and friendliness when I was opening my gift shop three yrs ago. Sadly I supported them financially and in every way I could because I understand their plight, but when I really needed them and needed hands on help and support in my gift shop, they simply disappeared. I lost too much in my attempt to begin something new … hoping we could support each other but i was wrong. It was hard because I gave so much and needed hands- on- help but had to run every aspect of the shop alone, which was too much for me, especially when i could not reach targets.
As I sit here today, the sun is shining and I know the upper class will be drinking wine on their terraces and the dark skinned people will be heading to their shacks where multiple live under one roof. Because I was not left in a financially strong space, I don’t have a terrace and cannot spend because I need every cent I have for my future! So … I am not included anymore (seen the hard side of human nature now). I actually moved to a place for six months where dark skinned people lived just trying to find a better fit for me with my economic changes … Only to realise again that culturally I will never be an African … I have too much British heritage in my make up!
What you also don’t know about and will never experience is the scary medical facilities for those who cannot afford private health care. Sometimes we have to wait for eight hours simply to get chronic medication. What would take fifteen minutes in a private facility is spread out over three appointments - over three days - so much waiting and so much inneficiency. I have lived both! They say the Brits invented queues …well Africa “perfected it”.
If you managed to go into a township, remember you would be looking in and not living it - always different.
There are many foreigners who choose to live here … It is cheap for them (R23 to 1 pound)… life would be good. If you are not in that bracket, like most, the food is not good - it is bread, pap and bare basics.
Also, unemployment figures are the highest in the world, which is why so many go elsewhere. The disparity of wealth is unimaginable.
I have discovered over these years that I am completely unemployable here, but cannot move elsewhere due to lack of work permit eligibility. So losing my partner is one grief … Add to that the other practical challenges I have to try overcome yet find I am caught in a horror story.
The grief groups I have been a part of here had much older people who do not need to stretch their finances in the manner I have to … for so very long and the counsel I have received has simply said " eat , walk and try find work."
Longing for more … Africa has a side to it that can make it the toughest place to be … all alone.
So my search continues … Although I never know what to try next after trying so much for so long… and finding all I long for is unreachable! That is a hard place to be!