That’s such an uplifting post for everyone.
I’m so sorry you’re in our club and for the terrible loss of your son Joey. It’s unbelievable how many people lose children 
To be able to support others so early in your own journey is a gift. Thank you.
Sending you love and big hugs
Purple
Hi Purple,
Unfortunately the uplifting thoughts don’t come very often. Most of the time I’m just wallowing g in my misery right night, wishing this were all just a bad dream I could wake up from.
Today’s thick fog matches my mood. Living in mountainous Switzerland I could easily get up above it to the sunshine in 30 minutes, but I don’t want sunshine. I don’t want to see golden larch trees and pretty blue lakes. I just want to lie here in the dark.
So you see, my messages can be quite the opposite of uplifting. I’m sorry. I just feel so very miserable, like so many of you. 
Annemarie
Having your child taken from you, watching them diminish in front of you is the hardest cross to carry.
I understand the all consuming grief, when Henry died I was paralysed by it…I fought against it but of course that was futile 
Meditation saved me at the beginning…enabling some control of the drowning sensation.
You’re not wallowing my friend but finding your feet in a new and unwanted world. We wish it wasn’t so for all of us. It’s just about getting through the next hour.
Keep posting Anne Marie
Purple x
I remember reading about the grief space too and also remember that at times, when I went to bed, I would allow myself to think of Gemma just for a few seconds, as it was so painful, but I did not want to not think about her, if that makes sense. Most of the time I would also pretend she was still here and would imagine her collecting Charlie from school, cooking his supper …
Goodness I honestly believe that losing a precious child makes us go slightly mad for a while. Maybe that’s where ‘the madness of grief’ comes from.
This site has been a life saver for me … you are so kind and caring, even when going through your own terrible times and we understand each other which is priceless xxx
I can do identify with your feeling of not wanting but yet wanting to think about your Gemma. I feel that about my Joey too. And I also think he’ll just text me or call me any minute. I had a special ring tube for him : Down by the Sea on my IPhone. After Joey died I made the stupid mistake of assigning this ring tone to Andreas - Joey’s close friend with whom he made his Having a Ball podcasts.
Throughout these last months - since April- I slept with my phone under my pillow as he often called me in the middle of the night when he was hospitalised. He’d just want to talk, or rather, for me to talk about whatever, just to help take his mind off the pain, nausea and fear.
So when I heard the ring tone a few nights ago - it was Andreas, of course - I totally flipped! Obviously I’ve now assigned a new ring tone to Andreas:cry:
Yes, this site too offers me a great deal of comfort - in whatever small measure that is possible so far. Only those who have list a child themselves can possibly understand the overwhelming, debilitating anguish we feel.
So a big thank you for continuing to post!
Dear Purple, it was lovely to meet with you again. We do all have a special bond and that feels even stronger when we meet up.
I gain so much strength from that xxx
Thank you for sharing the photos of your lovely son. He was very handsome and so lovely that he was surrounded by such lovely friends xxx
Me too. We’re fortunate to be geographically close too.
I feel I’ve had so many lives…today I’m miles away from the grief I was drowning in only a few days ago. You could believe you’re going mad at times.
See you soon hopefully
Purple x
Oh Victoria , yes even after 6 years I think I am going mad , untill all your OST calm me down and realise you are going through exactly the same thing. Michelle beautiful photo of your darling Matt , so handsome , you can only be so proud . Zoe I do no what you want with Sam , I so want Daw n yo ring me , she used to call every evening , John used to shout out get off the phone you have been on it for an hour . But we had so much to say to one another . She was so good at her job , and made business woman of the year . . All of you that have had to join of us on this site I feel your pain , believe me I don’t know how we have got through it . The hardest thing of all and believe me , I have nightmares thinking about it . Was leaving Dawn i across the road in the awful undertakers through Xmas . She so loved Xmas , that’s why I do dread Xmas now . But she has told us , through a reading with Jackie , Mum just get on with it . When she passed in Dec 2016 , Sarah kept on Mum get a dog , no we don’t want a dog , you need to get seat , so we did go to Portigal in March , and yes it was lovely , but I cried all the way home on the plane , . We have made so many trips since , so so painful . I know it’s hard for all , but the best thing is to try and keep busy , that’s what our love ones want of us . I miss Dawn every minute of every day , and some days still want to scream . She was my rock . But I do know she is going to be there when John and me pass . . Maddie xxx
What I should of said as well . about messages . A year after Dawn Padded I turned 70 , and I had a text message from her . I was told not to respond . Then the following Xmas had another , it said Mum thought you might like this message , how do you respond to that . I have text Dawn several times . Is that a sign of Madness or not . I was convinced that one time it did go through . Love Mad . Maddie xxx
Thank you Maddie, I am so very proud of my darling boy, you are not mad o believe our love for our precious children is so very strong that they will find a way to make contact with us and that’s what Dawn is doing, sending you much love my friend 
Michelle xxxx
Dear Anne Marrie,
We have all lay in the dark for a long time after losing our precious children, so totally get it, you take as long as you need, you will venture out when ready and then go back again to the darkness when you need too, I still have days when I can’t face the world and hide under the covers, just do what’s right for you and know we are all behind you, here for you whenever you need to chat, this is the most awful horrendous journey on the planet but knowing we have the friendship of others on this site who will help in any way we can to get you through 
Much love from Michelle xxxx
Thankyou Michelle for your kind words . And some days when I am feeling l so low and I think I am going mad . , and want to scream , I think how can I , it’s almost 6 years . Everyone think I should be over it .But I know I can pour my heart on here every one will understand as it could be a recent bereavement orb6 years . The grief is always with us. Maddie x
I hope you don’t mind me asking for advice, but I’m really struggling to go home since Megs passed. I’m currently staying with my brothers who lives 2 doors away from me. I go to the house as often as I can, but cannot sleep there and only go into her room if I have too. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if I want to go home, its just doesn’t feel right without her there. It was just the 2 of us and our little westie Cassie. How do I make my mind up? How do I live somewhere that is a constant reminder of what I no longer have in my life? On top of the vast amount of grief, I just don’t know what to do. XxX
Thank you so much Michelle, for your encouragement. I so appreciate it! I was on the phone just now with two friends - well-meaning friends - who are very sad that I am so grief stricken by my Joey’s death. They knew him too and loved him, yet they have their “intact” families to go back to and probably muttered the “there but for the grace of God go “I phrase when they got off the phone - with a sigh of relief, no matter how genuine their feelings of support to me are.
But when I got off the phone I checked to see if there was perhaps a message from someone in our “exclusive club”. It makes me feel a little less alone to know that there are other moms out there - people I don’t even know - who know exactly how beaten up and miserable I’m feeling right now. Thank you!!
Dear Katiejane, I am sorry … this is a very hard situation for you. I was in a different situation as my daughter was not living at home and she had her own home when we lost her, but I wanted to reach out to you. I did however have to clear her house out and that was about the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Just heartbreaking.
I think it is good that you are going back to your home even though you are not sleeping there, as baby steps is the way forward and we should not push ourselves too hard. I am glad that you have your brother so close as he is clearly a big support to you and I am sure you have many memories of happy times with your daughter in the house and I hope they give you comfort as you move forward.
I am sure there are others here who are in a similar position to you and can help by sharing their experiences. Sending you big hugs xxx
Dear Katie Jane,
I am sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, its still such early days for you and my heart breaks for you , Victoria’s advice is spot on about taking baby steps, you will know when the time is right to go back home, eventually you will take comfort from being there, as she said you must have so many happy memories there. Don’t set targets for yourself, take your time and do what you feel is best for you. Our son lived with us and his two sisters but was in the Army so he was away a lot, sometimes I feel he is away and will soon return, I don’t think this will ever change, his room is just as he left it, I don’t go in often but take comfort from everything being there, the house is full of photos of him and I talk to him often, all we can do is tell you what our experiences are and hope it helps, don’t put pressure on yourself, keep posting to let us know how you are doing as we are all here for you, take care
Love Michelle xxxx
Dear Maddie and all, I remember when Wynne started this thread so long ago, just a few weeks after I lost my daughter (and you were there too!). I was looking back yesterday at the first posts and found this one from bir89c which I think is well worth posting again.
‘Grief never ends…
But it changes.
It’s a passage
not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith.
It is the price of love.’
A big hug to all, Kathy x
Hi Kathy,
Just looked at my phone and saw the lovely quote you posted about grief. It gives a glimmer of hope, I suppose.
I woke at 5 today, so three hours ago, in spite of having had several glasses of wine last night and a Temesta. First thought whilst gripped by an invisible vice: yep, my sweet Joey. Read through his texts written during the last weeks, looked at his face book posts, watched the celebration of his life again. It had been videotaped for family and friends in Canada, Australia & elsewhere. I should get up and take a shower but I have no desire to. I hear the neighbours getting ready for their busy days; work & school. But I don’t want to do a thing.
My iPhone calendar was always filled with appointments: work, excursions, meetings. Now nothing. I’ve wiped it clean. I was supposed to go to my gynaecologist for my yearly check up today, but I cancelled that too. The doc has his office in the same hospital where my son died two weeks ago. Wild horses couldn’t drag me there!
Someone here on this site talked about baby steps. I’ll try and do some e-banking today and water the plants (although most are dead after three weeks of neglect), and perhaps walk around the block, although I can’t really face leaving my room let alone the house… I dare say I’ll be drained after that and collapse in bed again.
Does this lethargy and crippling sorrow ever stop. I’m lucky to have a husband who puts a plate of food in front of me and brings me endless cups of tea. I can’t stand what my life has become. I liked my life before and I adored my son. For the last 16 months, but especially the last 6 months when his disease went out of control, he was my raison d’être. That’s gone now.
Hi Marina,
I remember UB40 singing red red wine I saw them in the Black Country just outside Birmingham
xxH