Loss of our son aged 27

[Lisa_s_Mum]

Dear Jim and all grieving friends here.
Yesterday at the hairdressers the other hairdresser whose dsyboffvit was popped in to check something. This salon has been my hairdresser for about 20 years and my girl was just a Saturday girl when I first started going. Therefore they know me very well, Lisa too as she was also a client and dud the flowers for my hairdressers wedding. They know everything we have been through. I have sat there crying and they have comforted me on many occasions.
So, anyway, Mona had just returned from holiday and her husband to be (2nd marriage for both) has a 17 year old daughter who has recently undergone a very prolonged operation to remove cancers . Not sure where from but lots of cancerous growths. So her parents and the girl had an appointment with the Oncologist yesterday and were told there are several more growths in her throat but they want to treat them with the Iodine therapy. It’s all very scary for them all just now and Mona said it’s the not knowing what lies ahead, the intense worry and stress. Well, suddenly my face was covered in tears, rolling down my cheeks onto my gown. It all came back to me with such intensity I was actually sitting shaking. Needless to say Mona was so upset at making me so sad. She came and hugged me and her face was wet with tears too. It shows that some people really do care and don’t say stupid things. They know I am still hurting a lot and they love Lisa too.
Of course there are always the ones who think we should be over it by now!

Love to you.

Kate x

[Purple]

Dear all

I too haven’t posted for a while but I’ve read others posts some of which are heartbreaking and others inspiring- all coming from the same endless sense of loss.

I met up with Victoria recently and we had a lovely walk together. The bond there, as with all of us, is she knows, as I know, the lows, the desperation and all the other feelings…we don’t have to explain these to each other.

October is a bad month for me. Henry’s birthday and the anniversary- I’m really very wobbly.

I took to reading all the documents from the inquest last night….why did I do that?? Anyway it’s so clear that the ambulance crew did all they could to try and bring my son back. But it was too late for him.

I’m past the “what if/why didn’t I/I should have”stuff….it gets you nowhere and can’t change anything.

The world isn’t organised around me, my agenda or what I want- if only it were. Henry has gone on ahead of me - that’s whats happened here. Dwelling on the circumstances, my old life, and what could have been isn’t helping anything. I’ll be there with him one day - that’s guaranteed.

I keep in touch with him, telling him what I’m doing and where I’m going- keeping him close to me spiritually.

We’ve all got to find a way to make life worthwhile. Thinking of the living, doing kind acts for people, being supportive and thoughtful are ways to make a positive impact on people.

We had our wonderful children and for that I’m forever grateful.

If you’re here because you’ve just started this journey then know you’re never alone. Nothing will or could be worse than this…but everyone here understands and are willing you forward. I never believed it possible to get to the place I am today but I’ve done it through the support on this site.

Sending you all much love and a hug
Purple

[JoeysMom]

Hi everyone - I’ve read all your latest posts and I’m so sorry that you’re all grieving and feeling so much sorrow for your lost children. We belong to a highly exclusive club no one wants to belong to but to which fate has given us a life-time membership.

I wanted to share something with you that gave me a glimmer of hope, even though my sweet son Joey only died two weeks ago today and my grief is like an open festering sore at the moment. Since the funeral last week i haven’t left my bed except for a quick trip to my GP yesterday. And that was horrific - everything, even the corner store I passed on the way, reminded me of Joey and made me want to howl in pain.

Anyway, as I think I mentioned before, my son started a videoblog chronicle of his cancer journey right after he was diagnosed 16 months ago - on YouTube and all other social media platforms: Having a Ball. It is informative yet also wickedly funny, taking a lot of stigma away from his lesser-known cancer. His sidekick is a Norwegian friend from their London film school days. I consider Andreas as my third son (from another mother). His intentions are to set up a foundation, and he’s working hard at making it global. It will be my son’s legacy, which will hopefully provide me with some solace and a sense of purpose further down the road. But much further down the road as all I can do these days is cry, scream and miss my beautiful son so much.

Sorry, I’m being long-winded. Here’s the reason for my post: Andreas sent me the following message from his stepfather - translated from Norwegian (thanks Google translate):

« He also lost his daughter to cancer when she was 23 (that was 20 years ago this year). He said that getting overwhelmed with sorrow and grief after having to “hold it together for so long” (editorial note: he’s referring to Joey’s cancer journey, on which I accompanied him daily - especially the last his-awful months of hideous suffering, by trying to remain positive) is perfectly normal. It is completely natural to have a reaction of just wanting to scream, cry and wallow in sorrow under the covers. No one would expect anything less. Knut (the stepfather, a retired small town Norwegian GP) said it’s «healthy to grieve». That just means there was deep, abiding love.

He recommended, in due time of course, when the pain is not so raw, to try to develop a sort of mental “grieving room”. A sort of place where you enter in your mind every now and again when you feel the need to be angry, sad or heartbroken, but not a “room” you can spend all your time in. He said it’s not fair towards yourself, your nearest or the one you’ve lost to spend all your time grieving. That room will ruin you if you spend all your time in it. Instead, go out into ‘the rest of the house’ where you can “see” your son through all the beautiful memories you have of him, times when you were happy together, where he will bring gladness to your heart and not sorrow. After all, he will always be in your heart and part of you. By all means, this is further down the line, but at some point “forcing” yourself to step outside the grieving room and allowing those near to you to be there for you (which they obviously want to do), or simply distract yourself by doing something you love, or potentially something Joseph used to love, is once again, “healthy”.

But for now, listen to the grief and do whatever feels natural »

A very thoughtful message that gave me a little solace, as I hope it will you. Sending you all heartfelt positive vibes

Am trying to upload three pictures. The first one is of Andreas (on the left, Joey on the right, 5 months ago; the second is of my son and I, 2.5 days before he died, and the last one is of my healthy, handsome, witty son a few years ago). Hope my downloads worked.

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[Mattsmom]

Dear Joeys Mom,
What a wonderful powerful message, thank you so much for sharing it, it’s brilliant advice about the room, I call it the box and when I was in early stages of grief as you are now I would visit continuously, every night for months I would read all Matt’s WhatsApp messages, I even used to get my old phones and read the messages from them, it was like he was still with me and it did help me, I think of my darling boy every minute of the day but I do try like purple says to live my life and think of my other children who miss their big brother dearly and I put the brave face on and try my best which h is all we can do. In the early days I prayed to never wake up and wished I could join Matt but I know my family would not cope ,as with Matt giving me strength sending signs to let me know he is with us I managing to carry on, you are such an inspiration posting things to help others when I know you are so broken
I had to download your photos to view them, lovely photos of your precious son sending you much love and gentle hugs 🫂 Michelle xxxx

[Lisa_s_Mum]

What lovely photos. Indeed wonderful memories of a much loved son.
Very well put description of handling our grief.
Hope one day you will be strong enough to enter the grieving space then leave it there till yiu need to revisit.
We hold our children in our hearts a d minds all the time.
Sending love and strength to you. Very early days though.

Kate xx

[Purple]

That’s such an uplifting post for everyone.

I’m so sorry you’re in our club and for the terrible loss of your son Joey. It’s unbelievable how many people lose children

To be able to support others so early in your own journey is a gift. Thank you.

Sending you love and big hugs
Purple

[JoeysMom]

Hi Purple,

Unfortunately the uplifting thoughts don’t come very often. Most of the time I’m just wallowing g in my misery right night, wishing this were all just a bad dream I could wake up from.

Today’s thick fog matches my mood. Living in mountainous Switzerland I could easily get up above it to the sunshine in 30 minutes, but I don’t want sunshine. I don’t want to see golden larch trees and pretty blue lakes. I just want to lie here in the dark.

So you see, my messages can be quite the opposite of uplifting. I’m sorry. I just feel so very miserable, like so many of you.
Annemarie

[Purple]

Having your child taken from you, watching them diminish in front of you is the hardest cross to carry.
I understand the all consuming grief, when Henry died I was paralysed by it…I fought against it but of course that was futile

Meditation saved me at the beginning…enabling some control of the drowning sensation.

You’re not wallowing my friend but finding your feet in a new and unwanted world. We wish it wasn’t so for all of us. It’s just about getting through the next hour.

Keep posting Anne Marie

Purple x

[VictoriaP]

I remember reading about the grief space too and also remember that at times, when I went to bed, I would allow myself to think of Gemma just for a few seconds, as it was so painful, but I did not want to not think about her, if that makes sense. Most of the time I would also pretend she was still here and would imagine her collecting Charlie from school, cooking his supper …
Goodness I honestly believe that losing a precious child makes us go slightly mad for a while. Maybe that’s where ‘the madness of grief’ comes from.
This site has been a life saver for me … you are so kind and caring, even when going through your own terrible times and we understand each other which is priceless xxx

[JoeysMom]

I can do identify with your feeling of not wanting but yet wanting to think about your Gemma. I feel that about my Joey too. And I also think he’ll just text me or call me any minute. I had a special ring tube for him : Down by the Sea on my IPhone. After Joey died I made the stupid mistake of assigning this ring tone to Andreas - Joey’s close friend with whom he made his Having a Ball podcasts.

Throughout these last months - since April- I slept with my phone under my pillow as he often called me in the middle of the night when he was hospitalised. He’d just want to talk, or rather, for me to talk about whatever, just to help take his mind off the pain, nausea and fear.

So when I heard the ring tone a few nights ago - it was Andreas, of course - I totally flipped! Obviously I’ve now assigned a new ring tone to Andreas​:cry:

Yes, this site too offers me a great deal of comfort - in whatever small measure that is possible so far. Only those who have list a child themselves can possibly understand the overwhelming, debilitating anguish we feel.

So a big thank you for continuing to post!

[VictoriaP]

Dear Purple, it was lovely to meet with you again. We do all have a special bond and that feels even stronger when we meet up.
I gain so much strength from that xxx

[VictoriaP]

Thank you for sharing the photos of your lovely son. He was very handsome and so lovely that he was surrounded by such lovely friends xxx

[Purple]

Me too. We’re fortunate to be geographically close too.

I feel I’ve had so many lives…today I’m miles away from the grief I was drowning in only a few days ago. You could believe you’re going mad at times.

See you soon hopefully

Purple x

[maddie49]

Oh Victoria , yes even after 6 years I think I am going mad , untill all your OST calm me down and realise you are going through exactly the same thing. Michelle beautiful photo of your darling Matt , so handsome , you can only be so proud . Zoe I do no what you want with Sam , I so want Daw n yo ring me , she used to call every evening , John used to shout out get off the phone you have been on it for an hour . But we had so much to say to one another . She was so good at her job , and made business woman of the year . . All of you that have had to join of us on this site I feel your pain , believe me I don’t know how we have got through it . The hardest thing of all and believe me , I have nightmares thinking about it . Was leaving Dawn i across the road in the awful undertakers through Xmas . She so loved Xmas , that’s why I do dread Xmas now . But she has told us , through a reading with Jackie , Mum just get on with it . When she passed in Dec 2016 , Sarah kept on Mum get a dog , no we don’t want a dog , you need to get seat , so we did go to Portigal in March , and yes it was lovely , but I cried all the way home on the plane , . We have made so many trips since , so so painful . I know it’s hard for all , but the best thing is to try and keep busy , that’s what our love ones want of us . I miss Dawn every minute of every day , and some days still want to scream . She was my rock . But I do know she is going to be there when John and me pass . . Maddie xxx

[maddie49]

What I should of said as well . about messages . A year after Dawn Padded I turned 70 , and I had a text message from her . I was told not to respond . Then the following Xmas had another , it said Mum thought you might like this message , how do you respond to that . I have text Dawn several times . Is that a sign of Madness or not . I was convinced that one time it did go through . Love Mad . Maddie xxx

[Mattsmom]

Thank you Maddie, I am so very proud of my darling boy, you are not mad o believe our love for our precious children is so very strong that they will find a way to make contact with us and that’s what Dawn is doing, sending you much love my friend
Michelle xxxx

[Mattsmom]

Dear Anne Marrie,
We have all lay in the dark for a long time after losing our precious children, so totally get it, you take as long as you need, you will venture out when ready and then go back again to the darkness when you need too, I still have days when I can’t face the world and hide under the covers, just do what’s right for you and know we are all behind you, here for you whenever you need to chat, this is the most awful horrendous journey on the planet but knowing we have the friendship of others on this site who will help in any way we can to get you through
Much love from Michelle xxxx

[maddie49]

Thankyou Michelle for your kind words . And some days when I am feeling l so low and I think I am going mad . , and want to scream , I think how can I , it’s almost 6 years . Everyone think I should be over it .But I know I can pour my heart on here every one will understand as it could be a recent bereavement orb6 years . The grief is always with us. Maddie x

[KatieJane]

I hope you don’t mind me asking for advice, but I’m really struggling to go home since Megs passed. I’m currently staying with my brothers who lives 2 doors away from me. I go to the house as often as I can, but cannot sleep there and only go into her room if I have too. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know if I want to go home, its just doesn’t feel right without her there. It was just the 2 of us and our little westie Cassie. How do I make my mind up? How do I live somewhere that is a constant reminder of what I no longer have in my life? On top of the vast amount of grief, I just don’t know what to do. XxX

[JoeysMom]

Thank you so much Michelle, for your encouragement. I so appreciate it! I was on the phone just now with two friends - well-meaning friends - who are very sad that I am so grief stricken by my Joey’s death. They knew him too and loved him, yet they have their “intact” families to go back to and probably muttered the “there but for the grace of God go “I phrase when they got off the phone - with a sigh of relief, no matter how genuine their feelings of support to me are.

But when I got off the phone I checked to see if there was perhaps a message from someone in our “exclusive club”. It makes me feel a little less alone to know that there are other moms out there - people I don’t even know - who know exactly how beaten up and miserable I’m feeling right now. Thank you!!