Dearest Helen and all dear friends,
Helen so sad to hear that you are struggling. I too have been a bit weepy. I think it’s the light fading so early and when I walk the dogs late afternoon, it’s so eerie in the half light when I am heading home again. The tears flow as I feel lost in my heart if you understand.
You are in lockdown just now, whereas we are level 1 so not quite normal but much better. I think with coping with grief and another lockdown, you have every reason to feel down and fed up with living. We are all locked into our grief and there is no escape from it. Sadly, this is our life now and we all need to find a way through it all. I do so look forward to seeing Brooke and Jemma when she is up every 2and weekend. Keeps Alan and I going.
Will be thinking of you this weekend. Hope you can get out for walks at least. Nature helps calm my soul.
With love, Kate xx
Hi Kate
Thank you for your kind words, I know all of us on here understand. I also know that right now Sam would be so frustrated with me, and getting quite angry…it would be for goodness sake mum give it a rest. Stop keeping on so although I feel as miserable as sin, I try desperately to pull myself up by my bootstraps! All that keeps me going is the house that on the 4th December we can go to the farmhouse in Tredadjack near Helston in Cornwall, light the fire have a glass of wine. Sometime ago, just after Sam had had his first operation to remove the tumour, we took him, Mathilda her mum and sister to Cornwall. We rented a farmhouse in Tregony not far from Truro. I went on down from Bristol to Truro by train, and John drove with Sam and Mathilda to Heathrow to collect her mum and sister and then drove on down to Cornwall. As it was dark and very late by the time they got there I had every light on in the house as we were so far down this lane. We all went walking the day after along the Lizard, and Sam also completed it with John Mathilda and her sister, I could only manage a bit of it along with her mum so we retired to the nearest pub!! I try so hard to remember the good memories but even now the tears are falling. I had such high hopes for Sam and Mathilda for it all to come to nought!! Forgive me for being so down
With love
Helen
Dear Helen ,i am so so sorry you are feeling so low , Dont be silly that you dont want to be here , Sam would be really anoyed with you . You have been through an awful time with your hip op , and i know whats its like 2 years ago i was in hospital with everything going wrong with my body , i even spent Dawns anniversary in hospital, . But you have been so pre occupied getting yourself right ,that it has hit . You have got Cornwall to look forward to ,and i know Sam will be with you , as he leaves you little signs With Geraint and Sarah we will not change them .Only yesterday i spoke on the phone with Sarah , and told her the night befor we were talking to Dawns photo , and dicussing , could we have done more to save her , and we both sat there feeling down , as it was 3years 11months since we lost her , and we knew the next one would be the anniversary . And she said we cannot dwell on a date ,she said she had moved on ,and that what we should do . So i just listened and took it . i felt like saying something , but i know we would only fall out. I know exactly how you feel . Kate thinking of you , so glad you have little Brooke and Jemma , to help you , they are adorible . Take care evertone Maddie xx
Dearest Helen, so strange reading your post as many years ago maybe around 40 I would say, i took my Mum and Auntie to a cottage in Tregony, 2 years running. It was The Old Post office in the main street. Later when I was married and we had our babies, we went to Veryan for a couple of holidays. The Nare Hotel. That was when we lived in Cheshire.
Take care, be kind to yourself.
With Love, Kate xx
Maddie so nice to hear from you too. Kind words to each other are so comforting. We all know the pain doesn’t go away but we have each other to lean on.
Take care and remember the good times. I am learning I think.
With love Kate xx
Hello Kate , i can remember only a few years ago ,i thought we had a good life , everyone was well ,apart from Dawn , but she always came through all her problems , beautiful grandchildren . And we had a could life ,nice holidays John my husband considering his age ,has always been fit . . Then 2016 , thats when our world fell apart. Every day is a struggle , i am suppose to be on the happy pills , but i told my husband today that i have been throwing them in the bin , please dont tell Sarah, she thinks that i am still on them . They were making me feel awful , i have struggled for the last for years without them . So i have to make out with Sarah i am still on them . Oh god What a life . Maddie xx
Sadly we do what we do to keep others happy!
What a life, so true but we smile in public, cry in private and stutter and splitter our way through difficult conversations just to make everyone think we are just dandy .
At least we don’t have to pretend here.
Love to you dear girl.
Kate xxx
Yes Kate thankyou , so right with what you are saying Maddie xx
Dear Maddie, Helen and Kate,
I can identify so much with what you are saying. Maddie , I was saying to my husband a few days ago that just a few years ago we were so happy and hadn’t a care in the world. Now I feel a complete shambles. I have some good days but also lots of sad, tearful days.
Maddie, I started taking happy pills last year but they made me feel worse so I stopped. Sarah is trying to be helpful and she sounds like my Tiffany but I find it is so draining putting a brave face on in front of them all the time.
This week at work one of our doctors sat down and asked me how I was and wanted to talk about Gemma. I became a little tearful and she said ‘don’t worry about tears. I don’t mind you crying it’s natural ‘. I was so touched that she wanted to hear about my darling girl because I never want her to be forgotten and I want her to remembered.
Helen, I ‘m so sorry that you are feeling low. You have been through so much with your operation and aim glad that you have ornwall to look forward to. I am desperate to go away somewhere. Let’s look forward to next year and the hope that we can all meet up. That would be so lovely 
I am so looking forward to meeting up. We have become friends through this site but would be so lovely to be able to hug each other, if we are ever going to be allowed to!
I am going to give you all a hug anyway … even if I have to wear my mask! xxx
Hi everyone,
I hope you had all had a good weekend. I have struggled a little as Gemma’s best friend, Emma, has found some photos of Gemma and sent them to me. Although it is so thoughtful of her, she and Gemma have been friends since they were children. They were both passionate about photography. When Emma photographed Gems she was really able to capture her personality and thit takes my breath away. Bitter sweet because I miss her so much.
Much love to you all xxx
Victoria, I know that feeling so well. When we had the electrician at one of the letting cottages, it was my mother in laws old house, we had to move things out of the walk in loft. Full of her treasures but Alan picked up framed photos of our girls when they were little. Jemma about 7 and Lisa around the same age as Brooke coming on 5. I brought them home and put them out about our house. Seeing their little happy faces knocked me for six. Jemma with her adored little sister.
I know Jemma is lost without her too.
Hurts so much doesn’t it.
With love, Kate xx
Hi,Victoria Kate and all dear friends ,It does not take much to start us all off ,we are all so sensitive , and no one else knows or understands what it is like to lose a daughter or a son . . Some days i could scream ,as i feel like i am grieving all by myself . John muy husband has always been a srong person .He told me many years ago .if anything happened to me , he would miss me ,but he would not be depressed . . And that really hurt me , but i know men grieve differantly. , and some times they can move on fast . … I know wht you mean about the photos , i could not put any out for months. When Sarah got married in Turks And Caicos 10years ago and it was amazing , we had beautiful photos and a video made . I only watgh it sometimes when Aimee comes up , and the first thing she says is nanny ,you arnt going to cry , but i do as Dawn looks so lovely. and healthy . Oh God if only we couuld turn back the clock .Love to all Maddie xx
Dear Maddie,
I think you’re right when you say that men grieve differently. Bill never gets tearful over Gemma, he hasn’t since the funeral really. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I know he feels it and misses her though. Maybe he feels he needs to stay strong for me?
Gemma was passionate about photography and spend hours out with her camera. I have made a calendar of some of her photographs and am selling it to fundraise for Mind. I was very lucky because Blenheim Palace printed it for me free of charge so all of the profits can go to Mind. I thought you might like to see a few of the photos.
Take care xxx
Wow Victoria! These are wonderful. Well done putting the photos together and making such a great contribution to the charity. Gemma will be so proud and smiling down on you.
Love Chris xx
Amazing Victoria!xxx
Thank you, Chris. It does help me to do something useful. I have created a memory space on the Mind website in memory of Gemma. Her name is Gemma Molyneux if you would like to look i
That’s amazing and for such a wonderful charity…Bless you…xxx
Hi Victoria, What a wonderful idea . Jemma would be so proud of you ,and we must do anything to keep them alive and not to be forgotton. We must not let anyone forget our wonderful children.
Maddie xxx