Sometimes I drink more than I should. Wine followed by a whisky at bedtime. It was the only way I could keep the tragic images away. I have since dropped the whisky, or rather wine or whisky but not both.
I used to love a G n T in the summer bit gin affects my mood in a bad way.
You will he OK my love. At least nobody judges us here.
Kate xx
E
The others are right, Deborah. I also have drink too much since losing Gems but have cut down. Maybe have an easier day tomorrow? Much love xxx
Dear Deborah,
I know how you feel and I bet you was on your own with no distractions and just needed to numb the pain which we all know too well, there is not at set time to a drink some people start early like me when I start cooking 5.30 some days then after my meal I might have more if my hubbie falls asleep whilst watching TV but I donāt drink in the day and when I work night shifts donāt have any so as long as we donāt do it all the time then we are not alcoholics. When we are ready we will stop, we know its not good and it can make us feel depressed but we will stop when we are ready, sometimes I buy those little bottles and just have one, take care 
Love Michelle xxx
Hi Deborah
I think Iām worse if I drink so Iāve managed to cut it down although having a few glasses of wine to numb the pain is not the worst thing we could do.
I have a walk for Scott around Cumbrae on Saturday which his dad organised to raise money to have young people tested for underlying heart conditions and his friends have organised a yearly football tournament in his name at the end of the month. The newspapers want me to do an interview but tonight Iām finding it all a bit overwhelming.
Iām tired and tearful but Iām just off the phone to my best friend Liam who I can be brutally honest with which helps.
I know what you mean about doing things that they enjoyed. I went with some friends to see Biffy Clyro and I felt so guilty as Scott is the one who should be enjoying live music with his friends, I even felt guilty when it was sunny as he should be sitting in his garden enjoying the last of the sunny days.
Itās not fair Deborah, I feel angry sometimes, some Americans in the city centre were shouting about Jesus and I wanted to scream at them, instead I just avoided them but it upset me, what kind of god would take our beautiful children?
My heart goes out to you, we both know the first anniversary of losing them both isnāt long now and that will be do hard to endure but we have so much lovely support from this fabulous group, we have to go on.
Thinking of you
Anne xxx
Hi Helen
I want to believe that so much, I could feel him in my arms.
Thank you for that.
Anne xxxx
Dear Kate
You are so right, life is so cruel, what a beautiful young woman, a lovely mum who just wanted to be with her wee one. It absolutely breaks my heart to see that lovely photo of them
Iām so sorry
Anne xxx
Dear Victoria
What a stunning photo, a beautiful connection between them.
Anne xxxx
Dear Anne,
How lovely that you are all doing the walk in Scottās memory and his friends will be doing the football each year, it is overwhelming but so special that he is being remembered by all his friends and family all you really want is your precious boy back but he is with you always and will be walking right beside you on Saturday, make sure you post a photograph for us all to see, stay strong take care.
Love Michelle xxx
She was a wonderful Mum. Totally dedicated to her child without exception. The love she gave Brooke is still with her as she often talks about Mummyās cuddles. I am crying now typing this but Brooke will be OK, she has so much love around her.
Xxxxx
Dear Kate
The same thing happened to me.
A young man got out of a red car outside my building and I thought oh thereās Scott then instantly realised he would never come over again to see me.
Itās quite unbearable
Much love Anne x
Hi Anne,
I truly believe there are no coincidences and I have felt Sam all around me, even now almost 5 years on, I saw a medium a couple of times and the things he told me no one else would ever know. My sister in law lost her son Ben in a football accident, he hit his head against the clubhouse wall whilst playing and he died 3 days later in hospital. He died in the March and Sam passed in the December. When I saw Marcus the medium he saidā¦oh Sam said heās met Ben, how would he know that? Sam is all around me and looks out for me,just like Scott will do you have to look very carefully for the subtle signs that they are there. Marcus told me this and I have been doing it ever since, especially the talking out loud. When you went to the music Scott would be there, your spirit stays with your loved ones
With love
Helen
Oh Helen some day would like to see Marcus , as no luck with the few Iāve had . Are you still meeting up with Me and Victoria November 11 th ? Would be so good to see you after all this time . Maddie xxx
Hi deborah y , someone mentioned WESTLIFE ā Iāll see you again ā which I had never heard before but is also lovely and I play it often as the words are helpful, but I donāt know what I believe .
Today is 20 weeks since I lost my son and it has been one of the worst so far. I lay on my sons bed rocking crying and screaming into my hands holding his sweatshirt, Not knowing which way to turn, there is no way out of this agony. Who could I turn to for comfort ? How can you put this pain on anyone else? So once again I turned to this site where other understand. I have lost friends and family in the past but nothing compares to loosing my son, being a mother you always try to help them, now I feel so helpless and guilty That I should have done more. Jss x
Oh gosh, itās still early days for you and we all know the terrible pain you are in as we all share the same pain.
We lost our younger daughter in July 2019. The pain is still with us, I cry sometimes without warning and feel utterly lost at times. Lisa had a wee girl who is now 5. Brooke lights up our lives and helps us carry on. Our eldest daughter was very close to her sister and suffers still too.
This site is the best place we can be, to help each other and share our deepest thoughts and feelings.
Stay with us, there is always someone here to listen and comfort.
Sending love , Kate xxx
I am so sorry you are going through this pain. It is early days for you ā¦ it is so hard. I hope you feel calmer today and have a better day. Only those who walked the path of child loss can really understand the depths to which we are plunged.
We are all here for you and send you masses of love today xxxx
Dear JSS
Iām so sorry youāre suffering but as others have said, itās so early for you. That agonising pain will slowly become less harshā¦it takes time.
I would urge you to meditate- thatās the thing that helps me manage my grief when it was overwhelming. I use an app called Headspace. My other son suggested it to me.
I blamed myself too - I think most of us go through that but we all did our best at the time in the set of circumstances we found ourselves in.
Do you have a garden or somewhere close that you can connect with the natural worldā¦they can be healing places.
Love and hugs to you. Keep sharing your journey- weāre all here to be with you.
Purple x
Dear Helen
I find your posts so comforting. Iāve had moments Iāve felt Henry around meā¦plus my uncle who passed last yearā¦Iāve felt him too.
Itās not as often as I would like though. Itās wonderful to think of Sam with Ben.
I saw a medium and was surprised that my nephew Oli (who took his own life 10 weeks after Henry passed) wasnāt with Henry. She said Oli was being healed from the pain heād had in this life.
She also said Henry was tapping her right leg and enquired as to my right leg ā¦ā¦Iād had my hip replaced three years previously something she couldnāt possibly have known.
Iām hoping to see her again soon.
Love to you and Sam and all your family
Purple x
Maddie and I are meeting for the evening in a hotel in Hungerford next month. It would be so lovely if anyone else would like to join us. It is lovely to meet up and chat in person. Just private message me for details xxx
Thank you Kate, Victoria p and purple, you say itās early days but it feels like forever already, every day is another day without him and my heart sinks every new month. We were so close and now he feels so far away, sometimes I panic because I feel I canāt remember him, like all my memories are behind a curtain I canāt look around. He loved me so much and I know he would hate to see me in so much pain , but as so many others say who have lost children they want to be with them and are just going through the motions. I honestly thought I would die from that broken heart syndrome, but I am still here.
Purple I used to do mindfulness and have tried since my son died but my brain is such a mess I canāt seem to still it anymore , I will try it in my garden maybe like you say, I do have a nice garden with lots of trees around.
Many thanks jss xx
Jss, Iām sorry to hear you have been bereft of your precious boy. It doesnāt come much worse than this. What you are feeling is natural and normal and itās an awful road to travel. I hope you have family around you.
We feel that pain in our hearts, it is like it will kill you.
Nothing feels the same anymore, itās so difficult to go forward when all we want to do is go back.
Love Chris xx