Thank you everyone for your kind words, it really does give me strength to carry on.
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Hi pete it will be so hard but also might bring some comfort being with all his stuff .make sure you keep some things .ot will be very hard for you and your wife .sending you love and prayers look after uour selfs much love zoe xxx
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Wonderful picture Victoria, she is such a beautiful girl.
Love Helen
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Thank you Helen. The photo of Gemma was taken by her best friend, Emma. They are both keen photographers and always out walking in the countryside with their dogs and their cameras 
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Hi everyone .i had a councilling session today and it made me so sad . You talk to a stranger .the thing is i feel better talking here .how does councilling help i dont know totally confused and sad .just want my boy back .its just not right .he had his whole life ahead of him . This cruel world .im sitting here binge eatting .my heads pickled . Its just all so bloody sad zoe xx
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Dear Zoe, I decided not to have counselling after losing Gemma as I felt that it wouldnāt help me. I worried that going through it all again would make me feel worse.
I am sure it helps some people but such an individual thing. Like you, this online site has been the best thing for me and has helped me so much. I feel that we are all in it together somehow. Although that makes me feel sad sometimes that you are all having to go through this awful trauma too, but we are able to pull each other through it.
The other thing I do is play Solitaire on my IPad. It is quite mindless but has been a real comfort to me and somehow calms me when I am feeling anxious. I hope you get some sleep. Much love xxx
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Hi Zoe, I know what you mean. Just a month after Lisa passed I had an Asthma review appointment with the practice nurse.
I was OK till she asked how we were coping. Well, the floodgates opened and I just sat there crying unable to speak. She then said she could put me in touch with a counsellor. I just looked at her and said whi would I want to talk to a counsellor who I donāt know, didnāt know my child or our relationship? I just said no way, I will handle this myself.
However, because of that conversation I came home and looked online at bereavement forums.
Thankfully I found this amazing bunch of friends.
Keep with us, it helps so much.
Much love to you, Kate xx
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Hi Zoe
I had counselling with Cruse but I didnāt find it a help at all. All I did was cry through the whole hour every week talking about my daughter. It was all still so raw and so heartbreaking. I am having another angel board reading tonight. Itās like having a telephone call with my daughter. My daughter comes with me as well. I find these and seeing a medium gives me comfort and reinforces that my girl is with me. These and this site is what keeps me going. This site is a 100 times more effective than counselling, for me anyway. I donāt always post but I read everyone elseās all the time and itās a relief to know that what I am feeling is not just applicable to me and I am not going mad. Its been 14 months now and each day is still a struggle. There is no joy in this world anymore. My daughters baby is due in 4 weeks and I just cannot summon any enthusiasm to be happy which isnāt fair on her I know but I canāt seem to feel anything at all. My emotions apart from feeling pain and sorrow over my daughter have left me. 
Deborah 
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Signs
I could be a simple butterfly
Or a feather floating by
Could be a gentle whisper in your ears
Or a star shining in the sky
Could be a simple shadow
Or a gentle hand upon your face
Could be a record on the radio
Or a memory of a special place
Could be a flashing light
Or things that move on their own
Or the feeling someoneās beside you
When you are sitting on your own
Could be a dream you have
Where love ones are always there
Could be a cold wind on your neck
Or a moving rocking chair
Could be that certain smell
That you remember from long ago
There are signs they leave us everywhere
In the hope that you will know
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Hi Zoe, itās hard to judge if councelling benefits everyone. Itās difficult to even attempt to explain what you feel. I did have a few weeks with a lady who was lovely and easy to speak to. I found it was a little bit of a release but after a few sessions it wasnāt going anywhere she felt she had done what she could and I was stuck?? I just hit another wall. I then discovered this site and found I began to understand how we mothers/fathers can share and help each other. It still continues to be a very rocky road but we can shout out to everyone here.
Itās difficult, try to keep busy if you can if not, take things easy, little by little. Thereās no right or wrong way.
Love Chris xx
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Deborah, it is an awful, hollow, empty feeling. As well as trying to cope with everything going on around you. The clock doesnāt stop, time goes on and we feel weāre left behind and canāt keep up. We want to go backwards. I, as others on here, found that second year very difficult. After the first anniversary, reality sets in.
A new baby always brings joy. I hope you can find a little peace.
Love Chris xx
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I had counselling for a short length of time, then realised this lady knew nothing about me, she knew nothing about my son or the relationship that we shared, how can you explain in words the desolate empty pain which is inside you which seems to grow more and more everyday. Itās only a Mother who as lost a child that can understand that pain. xxx
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Hi Zoe my heart goes out to you, I have been binge eating lately to, just anything and everything, just so weird maybe a coping mechanism. I have some counselling booked as well , for March as I just donāt know what to do anymore. I am desperate , it just gets worse. How is a mother supposed to deal with this much pain, loosing a child is unthinkable it is relentless and unbearable. There just seems no hope , no where to turn. I hope you can get some comfort from the counselling in time , me to , I will have to wait and see, but as you say we always have this site for support . Thanks everyone. Jss xx
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Dear Jss and Zoe, well I am typing with tears rolling down my cheeks. I was about to post so went online and saw Jss had posted. Itās like we know when one of us needs a cuddle.
What sparked it off for me was a trailer fir the Geordie Hospital programme on Channel 4. It just hit me in the face like a punch. Lisa had to go to The Freeman Hospital every six months for assessment for a lung transplant. It was so terrifying for her and us. The thought of my baby having her lungs removed and replaced by lungs of some young person who had died, was so utterly beyond my capabilities to accept. Lisa was the same, she hated the thought of someone dying to give her a chance of life. I am sure she would rather have died than to live with the lungs of some poor soul who had died. She was such a wonderful young woman, she cared deeply about this.
So here I am, trying to type with tears flooding out. How cruel life has been to us all.
Thank goodness we can reach out to each other.
With love, Kate xx
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Hi victoria we are all in this very sad place we have lost our beautiful children .you are lovely and amazing your daughter would be so proud .i dont think i will like councilling. Your all here on this site the only people who truly understand thank you big hugs zoe x
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Hi kate your right this is a truly amazing site im so grateful to you all much love zoe x
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Hi Deborah thats how i felt so sad all day crying all day then stuffing my face . Love your poem its really lovely thank you for your kindness xxxx your be surprised a new baby will give you a purpose and great joy
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Hi chris yes when sam was poorly the hospice had a Councillor she rang when sam passed she made me angry .because i said i have mum and dads ashesā¦and now sams she said oh what will your daughter do with all these ashes .she made me feel awful ā¦that was the end of her x this is is the worse thing ever and we are allowed to deal with it any way we like . Losing sam has made me angry with life which is sad xxx
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Hi Kate so sorry, I canāt imagine how awful it must have been dealing with your lovely daughters health problems and her loss, then today the trailer for the hospital, oh the triggers ! They just make you collapse donāt they, the trauma all over again. I have had a bad day to, I think I shall phone someone or email someone, but no why spoil their day it is not fair on them and how can they understand anyway? So I turn here instead , safe place to say how it is, only place where I can explain how bad it is without feeling weak and failing at this grief thing. The grief of the loss of a child is incomprehensible to anyone who has not experienced it. I donāt think I could cope without the support and understanding that is on this site. Jss xx
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Hi jss sorry we in this awful place our hearts are broken .i feel life feels like your just trying to get through the day everything is hard to face . My daughter and grandchildren are my saving grace .but i reliaze im very snappy .they have lost there amazinf uncle . He was there superhero they talk about him all the time .little evie is 3 she said cant sam come back now nanny ā¦oh how i wish he could this time last year he was here it dont make sense its just so hard .i hope jss councilling helps .but i feel this is the place to be .you have all been so lovely tAke care everyone much love zoe xxxx
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