I know how you feel waking up in a jolt. I do too, hearing ‘time of death 13.55’ . That haunts me and always will .
Much love Jim, we do our best.
Kate x
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Thank you Kate 
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Hi Kate
A beautiful photo indeed, such warm caring eyes Lisa has.
Love Helen
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Dear Jim, you describe our journeys so well and so vividly. I thought I was going mad in the first few months, crying, shaking, not sleeping. Scared to see anyone. I remember at Easter my husband suggested we go out for coffee, this was about 2 months after we lost Gemma. I thought ‘I can do this. I’ll be okay’. We got to the door of the coffee shop and I had a complete breakdown, crying ‘just take me home!’
So terrible but like you, I can drive the route that Gemma last took and I can live a near normal life. But I feel that I will forever live my life with an undercurrent of sadness now. But it is not nearly so close to the surface … it is buried inside me.
Many years ago I was driving to work and I noticed a commotion, a woman was hitting her daughter, aged around 10, around the head. I instinctively ran over to stop her and she shouted at me ‘you don’t understand. My husband has died and my daughter nearly walked into the road in front of a car!’ It took me a while to calm them both and the mum ended up hugging her daughter and telling her she loved her, but that experience has stayed with me and now I understand xxx
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My daughter died tragically 3 months ago. At first it was a miracle I could function at all. My life didn’t seem worth living and nobody seemed to understand the excruciating pain and yearning. I don’t feel as bad as I did at first, though I am a long way from acceptance and peace with what I can’t change. I am just starting on that long, long journey. Your words give me some hope for the future, because you are further along that journey and you have survived.
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Oh Jim,
I just read your post out to my partner and sobbed the whole way through it…it took me a while.
Everything you’ve said is exactly how it is!
That awful jolt of realisation when you wake up in the morning. I used to make sausage casserole and chicken curry for Andrew…I won’t be making them again.
I only live 5 minutes from his flat in the same village so driving along any of our roads sets me off crying as he drove along them.
Being avid detectorists our favourite programme was The Detectorists and the theme tune by Johnny Flynn was the first song I had played as his friends carried his coffin into the crematorium. I still have it as my ringtone but of course never hear it as Andrew was the only one who ever rang me on my mobile 
.
Me, my partner, Andrew and Ash the dog were all going on holiday together in June. I’d booked a dog friendly holiday home on the north Norfolk coast. It was to be the first time since he was 16 that we’d been on holiday together and we were so looking forward to it.
As I’ve said before Ash is now living with Andrew’s dad. I’ll be seeing them tomorrow when we meet up at Andrew’s flat…we have to have it valued for probate etc. I was the one who first viewed his flat, 10 years ago. Soon as I saw it I knew he’d love it so I put an offer in for him and that was that. He loved it…I loved it too. Being above a hairdressers it’s quiet ,airy, sunny…with a garden , garage, long drive…so perfect. I go in there…each time…and sob my heart out for the happy life that Andrew had that was taken away from him…and us…and his dog.
You give me hope Jim that I will learn to live with this pain.
You’ve come so far.
The photo of you and your son is beautiful he has such a lovely,handsome face. You just can’t believe that these beautiful boys are no longer here with us…so wrong.
I must make the effort to have a shower today. To be honest I haven’t bothered to get dressed for the past 3 days…yesterday was an incredibly difficult day.
Thank you so much for your posts…I know everyone is being helped by them , not just me.
Love Sue xxxxx
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Hello Jim,
For me it started in November 2012 when he came home from Sweden and told me he had a brain tumour, then after the operation we were invited to a wedding in Turkey in the June of 2013. I wouldn’t go but John said please try, and he looked at all the flights coming back to England if I needed to get home quickly (I didn’t) and Sam said to me mum I’m fine just go so I did but I rang him every day, he was so exasperated with me (mum I’m OK hav e died yet) was his words to me!!. But throughout the 4 years or so we had him here with us I was grieving inside because I knew what was coming one day. When we got to the 3 year mark I began to have a little hope only for it to be stripped away when he told me there was another one. During all the 4 years he did absolutely everything went travelling I was a complete mess so worried and anxious all the time, I lost about 3 stone. Then in the November before he died on December 9th he became really ill struggled to walk talk and eat, but like you said it’s like a bolt of lightning, he died here at home with me and all his family around him, we’d taken him to Cornwall the weekend before to see the sea (he loved the sea) and brought him home on the Sunday he died on the following Friday, I said I love you Sam as he was slipping into a coma and he replied love you too, very clearly. I treasure those words. I can go past the road where his flat was now but only in the last couple of years I couldn’t before, and I couldn’t face too many people just those of my friends that have stayed by my side , Jean even went to a grief counsellor to ask how to talk with me to give me strength, the counsellor said let her talk, let her cry, just put your arms around her, so she told the others and like you said there is a new me that lives alongside your grief. I still worry when I see a silver citreon C3, just in case it’s Sam’s car but it never is and I breathe a sigh of relief
Love Helen
This was taken in Malaysia I think
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Thank you for your replies everyone. It’s just horrible that we get dealt this hand. I’m so grateful for this site.
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Lovely photos Helen. It’s lovely that Sam did all those things, travelling etc, I wish now Andrew had travelled more but he always said he didn’t need to as he loved Norfolk so much. Actually I can understand that as I let my passport run out years ago as I’ve always been petrified of flying. I’ve always said there was no need for me to fly anywhere as everything I loved was here in Norfolk.
Now I can’t even drive out into the countryside without sobbing and wishing Andrew was there with me.
Perhaps I need to get a new passport and ,once I’m able ,start going abroad where I’m not reminded of him all the time. Plus the thought of the plan crashing wouldn’t worry me now.
Or perhaps I’ll spend the rest of my life sitting in my dressing gown watching old re-runs of Heartbeat 
.
At first I said I’d have Andrew’s car crushed but that would be silly I suppose. I just hope when it does get sold that I don’t see it on the road.
Oh…I think I’d better stop writing now…I can feel myself slipping into a deep pit. Too many thoughts…
Sue xxxxxxx
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Hello everyone , haven’t posted so much , as I cannot feel comfort from anyone at the moment . I am up and down , and feeling so bitter , John my husband is getting really annoyed at me as I am shouting at him and M. moaning about everything . Sarah is really distant , but it is our Grandaughters bi21 birthday on the 23 May We wanted to be with her , but Sarah said she wants to go to London on that day , so we went and booked our holiday the next day . But now it seems she is going to have celebrations the next day when we are in Greece. So fed up as we don’t seem to have any family When they are all celebrating . We even went away at Xmas , as I don’t think they would have wanted us there . So wish I could turn back the clock before Dawn passed We had such a great family . And now everything has gone . Sorry to be so depressing . Maddie xx
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Dear Sue
You’re doing well just getting messages and how you feel out of yourself and onto this site. It’s early in your journey…
If you can set yourself a little goal each day…anything that gives you a purpose. Without our children we feel lost yet there are so many people that love us and need us.
I had a severe wobble this morning- the physical pain came back - I’ve been gardening this afternoon and I’m settled again.
Tiny steps but you are moving slowly forward, carrying your son and your love for him…as we all are for our children who’ve gone on ahead.
Sending you love
Purple x
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Dear Maddie
I’m so sorry you feel your family is fractured…I rarely see my other son 
he’s busy with his life and we’ve never had the close bond I had with Henry. George is very independent whilst Henry was more family and people focussed.
I know that he’s happy though…we occasionally talk about Henry but his mantra is “get on with life…look how it can suddenly be lost”
I do hope you can enjoy your holiday in Greece with John…
one days things could change with your family …. a death shouldn’t take anymore than the person….yet it seems to try and take so much more. 
George also reminds me not to get hung up on dates…it’s just a measuring tool….perhaps you can make a date to see your granddaughter when you get home.
Sending you love and a big hug
Purple x
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Hi Helen, both lovely photos, I particularly like the one of you and Sam together you always look so happy and content in one another’s company ,just like a Mother and son should be…with love Marina xxx
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Thankyou Purple for your kind words . It is 5 years and 5 months today since we lost Dawn . And I do try and carry on the best I can . But I so wish Sarah , could help me . I cannot even mention Dawn . . . I just feel I have to grieve all my self xx
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Jim. A great photo 
What a lovely lad. Your son is your double.
Your words come from your heart and I identify with every single one.
Liz
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I feel for you Maddie. I have an older son Ewan who is 20 months older than Andrew. He too lives fairly close to me I his own flat…about 15minutes away. I know he struggles with large gatherings etc but he couldn’t face coming to Andrew’s funeral. I’ve only seen him twice since Andrew died and one of those times was when I went round to tell him what had happened. I don’t know if he thinks he’s helping or if he’s just too upset. Him and Andrew very rarely saw each other do I wonder if he’s feeling some sort of misplaced guilt.
I’d love to see him for a hug.
Sue xxxxx
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Hi Jim, The way you manage to explain in words are the feelings that come straight from your heart ,and you express in such a way that every Mother and Father who as lost a child can relate them so vividly and with such heartache. … Thank You…Marina xxx
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I do understand Maddie…and I’m sorry. It’s so difficult to know how to approach the whole subject as Sarah must have her own grief too.
I know George misses his brother (although they weren’t that close) but he can accept he’s gone from us for now.
The whole thing is one great big pile of 
Anyway- you will see Dawn again one day - and I’ll see Henry and we’ll both wonder what all the fuss was about. 
Purple x
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Hi Sue , yes it’s so hard , . Isn’t it . Pi am 5 years on . And it doesn’t get any better I feel very bitter and has caused so much trouble with Sarah , I know she missed a her sister . But I just can’t get over losing Dawn . I so hope you can sort things out with your fFsmily . Grief changes all of us . With love Maddie xx
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So sorry was meant for you Purple xxx
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