Hiya Racy - so sorry to hear that you are getting those waves of pain. They seem to come for me when I am getting a bit stronger and they make me feel that I haven’t come as far as I thought. It’s up and down. Bad news about your old friend and I should imagine that is part of your not feeling good. I find it doesn’t take much to tip me back into misery. You are doing better overall tho, so I hope that’s a little bit of comfort. I sometimes feel like a straw in the wind. I send you all the best and the hope that if tomorrow isn’t better, the little flags of hope will come back before long. I think they will for you. It’s an awful roller coaster and when you are making ‘progress’ it’s really disheartening to get knocked back by those powerful waves of emotion and pain. I send you my love. Keep on keeping on, it’s a blow when you are starting to re-emerge from the overwhelming pain. You are doing better than you think, all of us are so vulnerable that it’s easy for the winds of pain to feel so disheartening and exhausting, all over again.Take care of yourself, and be aware that you are on the journey and this is a painful setback, but you are coping. Two steps forward and often, one back. It’s still a bit of progress. I wish I could hug you. Xxx
That is so wise Nell.
But is it just me, or does anyone find, in all sorts of other situations, (not talking about the loss and grief, talking about before, when trivial things seemed to matter) that when things seemed to be going OK, or even rather well, that something would happen to knock you back? I don’t know if it’s self-sabotage, that I didn’t feel I deserved to be doing ok. It’s like something saying don’t get too cocky, and glitches would come up.
Sorry, I’m rambling.
Oh Nell thank you. You’re right I was doing well and just out of the blue it hits me. The grief feels like when everything first happened. I noticed that anything about someone else’s sickness or death takes me back.
Ann I know exactly what you are talking about . I felt that way the past 2 days that my grief was saying to me hold on there Missy don’t get too happy I am still here, I just gave you a break. In your mind you know that grief isn’t over you hope it is, but when you are feeling good you tend to forget that grief will come knocking at your door again until it’s tired of visiting you so much. I am looking at it like grief in the beginning is saying I will stay with her for 7 days, on the 6th day grief is saying I kind of like it here, on the 5th day yeah I’m still comfortable here, on the fourth day this is getting kind of monotonous maybe I’ll take a break and grief takes a break for a while and notices I miss her I think I’ll visit her again for a while. If that makes any sense now I am rambling.
I agree. If someone says to me I’m looking better than I did and I say I’m feeling a bit better, my next thought is always ‘Am I tempting fate by looking and feeling a bit less overwhelmed?’ . I feel like an injured tortoise taking a peek out of my shell of pain. Any upset and My head goes straight back inside. Sending hugs xxxx
I love that turtle analogy that made me smile because it is so true!
Sending hugs and love to you also thank you and everyone for the support 
Hi all
This journey just one big up and down .your hysterical. Angry .calm so much mixed emotion .its unbearable . Im so down just want sam in front of me .want to hold him.talk with him .the reality hes not coming back . Who decides who lives who dies .why our babys . They had already put us through hell when sam was born his main heart valves round the wrong way in hospital for two months he made it but they yook him anyway my beautiful boy. Sorry feel so broken its ruined everything love zoe xx
I am so sorry to hear that Zoe this is no comfort but for the last two days I have just been swallowed by grief. Crying all day Saturday and today. I swear maybe 10 minute break before another wave of grief hit me. I am just trying to ride the waves until they get calm again. I hope you feel better soon. I know we will
much love
Zoe, it’s the way we all feel all of the time. Lisa is in my head every minute, I see her beautiful face when I close my eyes at night but know I will never see her, hold her ever again.
Although it tore me apart, I am thankful that I held her close after she passed. Kissed her hair, her forehead, her eyelids, the tip of her nose and her lips. She was still warm so it felt like she was sleeping. Lisa too was ill as a baby. Like your Sam, she came through it and wS such a healthy, energetic child. Its cruel that they weren’t given a long life. They remain forever young.
Much love Zoe, Kate xxxxx
Hi dear friends,
It’s been a long time since I have posted on here. I first this thread over five years ago and not one single day goes by when I don’t think of our darling son, Daniel. I feel the pain of all the others on this site. It is his 33 birthday today. I like to think he and all our young sons and daughters are looking down at us and sending support for us to get through this torture. My love to you all. Wynne xx
Wynne, another difficult day when the pain of loss crushes. I am thinking of you today x
Dear Wynne, it is so lovely to hear from you. I was thinking of you and your darling Daniel yesterday. You are right … there is not one day that we don’t think of our children. Gemma is always in my thoughts. I hope you are well. Much love xxx
Dear Wynne, my thoughts are with you.
I only joined three months ago - so recently, yet a lifetime - and your post from five years ago was the first I ever read, that started me on this journey with the friends on here.
Sending you much love
Ann 
Dear Wynne, Like Ann ,yours was the very first post that I read on this site,and over the last four years I have been given love, support, courage and understanding which as helped me so much to get through the last four years without Christian…where would we be without each other.Its my comfort blanket.
It’s lovely to hear from you again and I hope yesterday went well for you for no matter how many years pass these days are still so emotional
Take care… With love.Marina xxx
Hi everybody,
I’ve been reading all your posts and as always I feel at a loss as to what to say. I feel like a “newbie” … which I am as it’s only just over 12 weeks since we lost Andrew. I love the fact that everyone is so supportive of each other and in the short time I’ve been on here you’ve all been such a help to me.
I’ve started reading again. I used to love losing myself in a good book but never really seemed to find time over the past few years. Now I have too much time without Andrew in my life.
Amazingly I’ve finished one book and now close to finishing another and it really is helping.
I’m not crying endlessly, I’m sitting here in the sun reading, watching the blackbirds and blue tits and feeling very peaceful.
A few weeks ago I would never have thought this would be possible. I accept that tomorrow might be an awful day but at the moment today is a good day.
I just wanted to let others know that there will be times when life feels normal even though we will love and miss our children every minute for the rest of our lives. Today the sky is blue and the sun is warm on my back.
Love and hugs to you all…Sue xxxxx
Dear Sue, so glad you are getting those chinks of light. We know our lives are changed forever, and will never get over our loss, but there are still those happy memories and that love that can never be lost.
Much love, Ann xx
Thank you Ann,
I hope you’re having some brighter moments in your days too.
Actually just after I’d posted I had an email to say the estate agent has arranged viewings of Andrew’s flat for tomorrow so my peaceful mood changed to sadness once again. I know it has to be sold but he was so happy there and I love the flat too. It’s like his life is just being sold off 
.
Love Sue xxxx
Dear Sue, Ann and all dear friends. It just takes a second to change us from doing OK to deep sadness.
On this beautiful day I met a dear friend for coffee at the Deli I’m our village. I sat outside and as I was a bit early an elderly resident joined me as she wanted for her friend to pick her up. She asked how we all were and wanted to hear how Brooke was doing. She then said ‘Lisa’s passing was such a tragedy Kate, the whole village was crying, every person I met was in tears for your beautiful girl’.
I managed to choke back the tears but my mood dipped somewhat. However, when my friend arrived I lifted myself up and we chatted and laughed with each other.
I am getting better at managing things like this.
Much love dear friends.
Kate x
I used to love reading but since Christian died I don’t have the concentration to do so anymore.This week we are in Kent staying with our eldest son for a few days,I brought a book with me just in case and after reading your post it’s given me the urge to pick it up and start reading again.l will let you know if I succeed…Marina. XXX
I hope you find you can enjoy reading again Marina…it’s a welcome escape from things. I tried a couple of weeks ago but couldn’t get into it…but tried again this week and was surprised that I actually enjoyed it. I’ve no distractions sitting in my garden apart from chasing off the magpies which I’m always afraid are stealing birds eggs from their nests.
I’ve been round Andrew’s flat today, just to plug in some airwicks and had to take a few of his old pots and pans to the recycling centre. A father of one of his old schoolfriends spoke to me when I got home to say how sorry he was and I had a cry…it’s always the same when anybody asks isn’t it?
I hope you enjoy your time in Kent with your son.
Ann…was if you who went to France to visit family ? How was it?
Love and hugs to all…Sue xxxx