I agree, our children would not want us to be sad but the pain is so deep and awful it hurts to the core. Its ten weeks since I lost my son and I sometimes think I am going mad. Is there a right way to grieve? At the moment I feel so down but cant cry just an empty ache and huge empty hole where my son should be.
Suedav you have every right to feel some happiness after what you have been through and Andrew would want you to be smiling. It gives others hope that you can smile again.
Love and strength to all on your journey along this shitty road. I just want my son back.
Xx
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Hi Susan94. Itās 4 months for me and my daughter had ASD and other mental health issues but she was so loving and so much fun, she had a great sense of humour as well . Losing any child is absolutely horrendous but when they are with needs, there may be that added attachment of caring responsibilities as I had, and an injustice because they werenāt able to fight for themselves. People are not always kind, and caring for certain disabilities and Autism is a key one that the public and the NHS just donāt seem to understand. My daughter often used a wheelchair which she needed at times, but people treated her so differently in a chair. I donāt feel there is a grieving process at all, we are all over the place with it, or at least I am. I am so pleased for anyone of us that is coping a little better and enjoying things again, thatās great news because the pain is awful. Letās hope time is a healer to some degree. I felt I was optimistic with my daughter I thought she would pull through as she was so so strong but I was wrong Xxx
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Hi Andy, thank you for your kind message. Iām so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You are so right about ASD and mental health, the services are so underfunded and inadequate especially as there is a rise in people struggling with mental health. My son also had ASD - diagnosed when he was 20 after many years of pushing for answers. He also had mental health issues so I fully understand what youāre saying.
It s so unfair that we find ourselves on this forum sharing our worst nightmares and trying to support each other. It seems to be getting harder as the nights draw in. I think Iād better go get a cup of tea, I can feel myself sinking. Love and hugs to all xxx
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Dear SueDav,
Lovely to hear from you, I know you follow the posts as its nice the way click on the heart to let us know you are still here 
iam glad you are having better days and meeting up with your detector friends, this would make Andrew very happy and I know he will be with you, itās nice to talk to people who knew your son as they never make you feel uncomfortable about wanting to share memories about him, We feel the same when we meet up with Mattās Army pals, I understand how you feel guilty as I share those feelings too, I canāt remember the last time I cried and even though I am so sad inside I donāt seem to be able to cry its like I have run out of tears, our sons wouldnāt want us to be sad so we must try not to feel guilty, easier said than done I know, take care Sue and keep posting as letting others know you are coping gives them hope
Much love to all, from Michelle xxxx
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Thank you Michelle itās good to know Iām not the only one who feels guilty about feeling happy again. Obviously the sadness overwhelms me sometimes and I just sit and cry but when Andrew first died I didnāt believe it would be possible to ever feel anything but absolute despair and heartbreak.
Iād love to be able to say to those who have recently joined this site that you will feel happiness again that your every thought wonāt be of your loss but I know we all grieve in our own ways. I can only say that Iām able to appreciate life again but I also miss Andrew with all my heart.
Iām glad you have Mattās army friends to talk toā¦itās the same for me with all our detecting friends. It feels that our sons are still here with us and part of our lives.
Maybe I feel happier too with my life as Iāve decided to not go back to work. I wake up these days with a feeling of calm but of course I am taking sertraline so perhaps thatās helping too.
Weāve got Andrewās inquest on 12th Octoberā¦Iāve read all the reports and statements. It came with a warning that the contents could be very distressing but I already had a good idea what it would say. Iād spoken at length with the coroner in the early weeks and he was so nice and very compassionate.
His death was an accident, he was really happy with life and Iāve accepted now that nothing thatās ever said or done can bring him back. Iām lucky I shared so much time with him and laughed with himā¦some parents never have that with their adult children. Heāll always be part of my life.
Thank you Michelle for replying to my postā¦it was lovely of you and Iām so pleased that youāre having better days and smiling again.
Love and caring hugs to you and everyone elseā¦Sue xxx
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Hi all, reading so many posts about feeling guilty about starting to cope seems to be another one of those grieving issues that lots of people donāt talk about. Itās a strange one, I know my daughter would want me to carry on and even, maybe, sometime be happy again. Iām punishing myself. I can see itās not necessary or doing anyone any good. It is not all the time tho anymore and on a good day I donāt beat myself up nearly as much as the first few months. Love and hope to everyone on here xxx
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Dear Nell and all you lovely people.
Well today we are travelling on the High speed train to the south of France. The first holiday together since we lost our beautiful daughter. We are having a laugh with our train companions and feeling the joy of life.
Then suddenly I was telling them about our girls and of course we end up having to explain about Lisa. We both managed to hold it together and I thought, blooming heck our Lisa is helping us to get on with our lives. I truly felt it. Like she was saying, right you two, itās time to enjoy the time you have together.
We will never get over losing our children but today, on this adventure , I feel happy and excited. Not felt this way in a long time. Xxx
Love to you all.
Kate xx
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Kate, that is wonderful to hear. Enjoy it, you deserve it and you deserve to have fun. Sheās there with you in your heart. Happy holiday and very best thoughts xxxx
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Dear Kate,
Iām so pleased you are getting away, itās so difficult when strangers ask you about your children and of course you will always have two children and I will have 3, so you have to tell them about 1 of our precious children are no longer here in body but always in spirit and forever in our hearts 
we were away last weekend and had the same experience and d even though it upsets the person you are telling you want them to know about your beautiful child , we will never stop talking about all of our beautiful children take care and have a wonderful time, Lisa will be with you and loving to see you both smiling 
Love Michelle xxxx
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Kate
That is so wonderful to hear, I too have been away to Crete I know Sam was with me. When we walked into the apartment, it was spotlessly clean but there right by the dressing table was a penny.
Enjoy your time away, you both deserve it and I am sure Lisa is there helping you both along
Love Helen
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Have a lovely time Kate you deserve . I am sure Lisa will be with you . As when we saw Jackie with the reading we ask Dawn if she came to Mykinos with us , and she said yes , what more could you ask for . Today has been a bitter sweet day for me , so excited for Aimee my grandchild itās her first big holiday with her boyfriend to Vagus , as adult. And I know Dawn always wanted to go , her favorite holiday was always Florida with us , but I know the next holiday was always a trip to Vagus . Just makes me feel so sad , as our children should of had their whole lives in front of them . Anyway por Aimee is still stuck at the airport since arriving there at 11 this morning , her plane had problems , so had to go through all the procedure again , . Have been in contact with her all day , so hopefully she will get to take off tonight . . We so worry about our Grandchildren , as they are our life now . With love Maddie xxx
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Dear all,
It makes me happy to think that so many y of us are having trips away and making the most of our lives. I know how hard that is and how we can feel guilty for daring to have happy times againā¦ Kate, have a wonderful holiday. Helen and Michelle, , Iām glad you had a lovely time too. Maddie, I hope Aimee got off okay. We are also off for a few days.
When we go through the trauma of losing a child, all rational thought goes out of the window. But I think gradually it returns and as others have said, we take our precious children with us, tucked safely in our hearts.
What would we do with out each other?
Sending much love to you all 
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Hello everyone I havenāt been on for a while I hope everyone is doing ok. Iāve been on vacation and trying to get things organized in the home Iāve been doing okay. Last year around this time me and my son Theo went to a festival which they had the same festival on Saturday. The week before the festival it was still on my mind because that was the last time I spent time with Theo when he was alive and we had such a good time laughing ,dancing, and drinking. I wanted to go to the festival again but also I had reservations because I didnāt know how I would feel. Even when I talked about it it made me cry. I ended up not going but for some reason it just tore me up inside I feel like I should have went for some strange reason. The anniversary of Theoās death is coming up October 2nd and of course that plays a big part of how I am feeling now, that time we spent together at the festival was the funnest time and when I think about it it makes me sad. I feel like I should have went I donāt know why I feel that way I know I probably wouldnāt been able to handle it but it bothers me that I didnāt go. I felt like since I didnāt go I felt like I was dishonoring the fun that we had. All the feelings then I had a year ago are flooding back I cried all day yesterday and today Iām not doing too good. The anniversary is not even here yet but that festival thing really triggered me a lot.
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Dear Racey , I quite understand how you feel . The first anniversary is the worse , . Looking back thinking Theo was still with you this time last year But as long as you have friends and family with you on the day , they will surly comfort you . Will be thinking of you . With love Maddie xxx
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Thank you Maddie I appreciate that I just feel like I am back where I was a year ago. I know it will pass, but I miss him soul much so deeply right now.
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Dear Racey, grieving is not a linear process. We go forwards and then can so easily slip back. It is so hard especially around anniversaries and events we have been to previously with our children. Keep going and things will get easier. Thinking of you xxx
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Thank you Victoria I realize that itās a process It just hits you when you least expect it. I will keep going and I know things will get easier.
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It is not easy though xxx
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Hi all ive been to dorset again i feel im running away all the time to escape reality. For awhile i feel its not real .this big hole in my heart .i miss my boy so much .i come home hes not here the hole is vast .its not fair . I still run back through the last 4 months of sams life .he never cried he never moaned .our superhero .to be told at 24 your going to die. This world is crazy. Life has changed for ever . I still laugh but i have a great sadness a peice of the puzzle is now missing .my beautiful boy sending everyone
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I know itās not fair. I think of my boy, too. My beautiful boy. How brave he was. How much he loved us all - as we loved him. I canāt find the words to describe the pain of missing him. I keep being strong for the family. Itās all we can do.
With love to you all out there x
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