I feel that I have just entered another phase of my grieving. It’s been nearly 5 months since we lost our beloved son. Yesterday we went to a place we often visited with him and which he really loved. He was severely disabled but very charming and a lot of the people where went knew him very well. People spoke to us but no mention of our son and one person clearly avoided us. I know people don’t know what to say and fear that they may upset you but after this visit I felt so awful. Last night I was so upset and it felt almost as if our son had never existed, even sadder that this was my sons happy place and I had hoped I would find comfort there.
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How terribly sad for you! It would have given you so much more comfort if people had spoken to you about him, mentioned his name. There are a lot of people who simply can’t deal with other people’s grief, I think, especially when it concerns one’s child, regardless of their age.
My Joey only died two weeks ago and I want to talk about him constantly - of course only now with my husband and other son and 2 or 3 close friends as I’ve not left the house since his funeral, except for going to my GP just now. But I imagine I’ll always want to talk about him. He will ALWAYS be part of my life, a major part of my life, just as he always was.
I’m still at the early stages of grief - in the tsunami period, according to my GP. I dreamt about him last night. He was fine. Then I woke up and it was like a vice gripped me around my chest. And everything reminds me of him. How long does it take till one can breathe again, live again? All I want to do is lie under the duvet and scream with the injustice of it all.
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I felt just like you do in the first months. I often used to sit there wondering how I was actually still breathing. I felt like I was drowning in grief. I had never even come near to feeling such pain before. It really is utter devastation. My girl died in January so it’s still early days. She’s still on my mind constantly but the powerful waves of grief have dissipated. I can smile and even sometimes laugh. It’s still bloody awful but there are some better moments and I am getting out more and also getting counselling. It is helping to untangle some of the emotions and trauma. Every one on here knows it won’t all magically get better. It can’t. But there is honestly hope for the future. Grief takes it’s own time and things are up and down, it’s a journey but you can feel better than those first few months when it is so raw and painful. I talk about my daughter to most people, there are a few who just feel really uncomfortable and maybe that’s cos it’s a reminder that none of us live forever. I send everyone on here all love and we really can be stronger by sharing with one another. It’s a help xxxxx
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Hi @JoeysMom thank you for your kind words and I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. My son Richard was also 41, he was severely disabled and I had cared for him all his life. although he had been unwell for a while his death was still unexpected. I feel totally lost without him and feel that my life now has no purpose.
I feel that I am in a void almost as if I’m waiting something to happen, as if this is all temporary and suddenly everything will be back as it was. then reality hits and I realise that things will never be the same again and the pain is unbearable. I do try and go out with my husband as he needs to get out, I go through the motions but then I get home and reality hits. I just want back the life I had with my son but I know this isn’t going to happen. I have been coping by taking things a day at a time but I feel I’m sinking again and yesterday didn’t help.
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Thank you for those hopeful words. I’m glad there are times you can smile again. And yes, since we can all identify with these emotions, all of us having lost a child, a lot of explanation isn’t necessary. My brother and sister in law lost their son 2 years ago, and over the years 5 other friends & acquaintances have lost adult children. I felt awful awful for them, and of course also felt grief when my nephew died of a heart attack. But still there’s always that feeling of ‘there but for the grace of God’ - you shudder and sigh with relief that it’s not your child …. but then comes the day when it IS your child and your whole works disintegrates.
My extremely understanding GP, who wants to see me on a weekly basis, basically said today not to have any expectations, not to think there is a time line, but to just take each day as it comes. I’ve had to keep myself strong for well over a year now and especially the last 6 months my son’s suffering was so awful - that it’s natural to implode.
I’ve always been an insomniac and usually got by on 5 -6 hours of sleep. During the last months I often got only 3-4 hours as my son would call me from hospital in the middle of the night when he was in pain or terror. Now all I want to do is lie in bed and sleep but I’m too exhausted to even do that.
One hour at a time, then one day at a time, I’m being told.
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Hi all
To loose a child at whatever age under any circumstances. The grief, trauma and shock that follows is literally a wrecking ball through your life. There isn’t a formula to follow that will alleviate the total devastation that you will feel. Nothing prepares you for the emotional rollercoaster you are about to experience. Your heart hurts so much you don’t ever think you will be able to carry on again.
You are drowning. You can’t get your emotions in check. You don’t want to eat or sleep. Or talk or do anything, others days you want to scream until you collapse. The thought of life without your son or daughter is totally unbearable. It really is the worse pain ever. Some days you try and kick start your body but your mind and body are having none of it . Regardless of how they died as parents we are all filled with guilt. Wether there is fault or no fault the guilt is crippling. If only we’d have said this or done that. But in the end, we can’t change anything. I’ve told myself a million times if only I’d ect.ect. but it’s never going to bring him back. It’s just in us as humans and parents we somehow feel that we could or should have stopped it from happening. And because we didn’t we feel terrible. In my own case I’ve tried to look for the point in my son’s life where had I interjected I could have prevented him from dying. But I’m really just kidding myself. There was never a point I could have changed history in my son’s life. He died!!! And I have to learn to live with it.
That’s the bit after they have died that you have to start from ground zero. Without exaggerating you literally have to learn how to function again. Trying to live. When you have lost all interest in absolutely everything is so, so difficult. You can’t follow rules in the first stages if grief. Things like get up ! Have a shower! Eat some breakfast. It all means nothing. The shock you are experiencing completely upsets the algorithms of all those things that you would normally just do without thinking.
It’s a long time before you can do anything because first of all you have to get passed the shock and the reliving the death over and over again.
Your life will never ever be the same again. How can it be. You have lost the most precious thing in your life. Nobody warned you about this. Nobody told you that you will sink to the very bottom before you start to rise again. Yet here you are trying to figure out how to get through the days. But you will!!! In your own way you will figure out how to keep going. You won’t notice it at first the days merge into weeks and then months. Before you know it . You got up out of bed. You had a shower. You ate something. You left the house. You still feel absolutely devastated. And emotionally exhausted. But it takes a while before you can do the things you took for granted. Like breathing, and sleeping and eating. Things will begin to fall back in place. Tiny little hurdles that you can do without thinking. It will definitely not feel like it but there is hope, and in the end that is probably the only thing that will carry us through. You will reach better days. You may not even no you are having one. But sometimes the bad times/ days you are experiencing will make the good days stand out. This is a journey that takes as long as it takes. There is no right or wrong. Some days you can get by other days you want to tell people to f##k off. It’s only natural. This journey is anything but easy. But you will do it. One day you will look back and think wow!!! How did I get this far.
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
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Dear Deborah
I’ve not been on the site for a while. Congratulations on your grandchild…a wee moment of happiness in a bleak world.
I had to call the samaritans a few weeks ago as I reached rock bottom…no one answered! Luckily my work heard about it and let a friend come and meet me. I didn’t want to talk by then but she distracted me.
Just feel so sad all the time. I’ve been invited to a lot of lovely nights out but they are just exhausting but I try to not let friends down as they have been so kind to me.
I’m sending all my love to you and to all the mums and dad’s on this site who are living in this excruciating pain.
Anne x
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Jim10, do you know what I have been trying to explain exactly what you have said to people and they just do not get it. I get told its not your fault, you shouldn’t feel guilt, you can’t change whats happened, you need to keep going, how will you manage without her, you are so strong…
They just don’t seem to understand, but maybe it’s because they haven’t been through what we are all going through and will continue to go through whilst we have breath in our bodies.
I will never ever understand why this happened, I will never forgive myself for not being able to protect my daughter like I had always done, even though it was taken put of my hands, that guilt will always live with me.
I will miss her forever, I lost my mum 4 years ago and that broke me badly, but I had my daughter to go through it with me, but now I have nothing, I’m very alone.
Life just doesn’t feel like life anymore, the pain is surreal, the constant tsunami of grief is unbearable, its only been just over 6 weeks since we lost her, but it just feels worse, I guess because the shock has changed to grief and pain.
I do get up every day, I make myself, but I don’t know how much longer I can, I can’t even live in our home at the moment, its just empty now (i’m staying at my brothers). I’m lost thats the only way I can describe it, I guess thats how everyone feels.
Thank you for sharing your views/story, it has made me realise that I am not wrong for feeling like I do. Take care
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JoeysMom, that is not selfish at all. I’m struggling with that, most of my friends have children around my daughters age & its hurts to see them, I do not begrudge one minute of their lives, but it does make me realise what I am missing out on & how much more she had to do with her life.
This is all shit, no amount of hugs or kindness is making this a easier & I don’t mean to sound selfish or callous because I know people do care.
My only hope is that the grief does ease a little, hopefully the support of everyone on here will help, as you all just get it. Take care x
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Thank you Jim for that incredibly powerful text. As devastatingly harsh some of your words were, they’ve also given me some hope. Thank you! 
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Spot on Jim. Thank you xxxx
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Hi Anne
I haven’t put anything on the site lately but have been reading all the posts. Thank you, she is 7 months old now, the weeks and months just go so quickly. I am so sorry to hear that you have been so low but I completely understand. You are right when you say the pain is excruciating as that describes it so well. As time goes on, nearly 2 years now, the realisation of what has happened hits just as hard as at the beginning. Like you I get invited out by friends but I just don’t go. I say I’m going to and try not to let them down but I find myself trying to think of an excuse not to. It’s amazing though isn’t it Anne that we have come so far, I didn’t think I would last a week I felt so devastated, but we keep on getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Sending love and hugs.
Deborah 
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Just a thought but maybe your friends would understand if you explained that your not ready for nights out but maybe ask someone if they could come on a short walk in the park or a coffee. Something quiet and not lots of people. You may not feel you want to do anything social at all right now and maybe just give yourself a bit of time till you feel ready. Sending you hugs xx
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Dear lovely friends,
I have been following all your posts and feel broken hearted that there are so many new members who are in the early stage of this horrendous journey 
As most of youknow we lost our precious son matt in May 2919 and I can’t believe I’ve survived, today I have celebrated my 60th Birthday and yes I have actually had a lovely day, in the past I dreaded birthday’s etc, yes I’ve had a good cry this morning after reading a card that my girls had wrote from Matt please believe me you will have better days but it’s a life long journey you are on, the old life is no more, I still after 4 years yearn for Matt to walk through the door and still feel it’s not real, don’t think that ever changes, please keep talking as we will all help to get you through as we are the only ones who truly understand how you feel , take care lovely people sending you much love from Michelle xxxx
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Dearest Anne,
I am so sorry your having such an awful time , I am glad to hear from you but so sad for you, please feel free to private msg me at anytime, I remember when you and Deborah first joined the group and even though you were really struggling you always had a positive word for others and would try to help them I hope your other son Ewan is ok and your little dog Ruby, please stay in touch and keep posting on here as we are all here for you always
Michelle xxxx
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Hi michelle glad you had a lovely birthday im happy you can have better days much love zoe x
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Hi Jim you explain all our thoughts and feelings so well .you just dont reliaze how many people you help along the way. A big thank you. . Im sitting up have had a terrible week ive had a virus and thats bought me down .i need to keep busy . Even i though i put on a mask im broken ive sat and cried for hours i just need to hug sam talk to him i want him to laugh with me like we did the house is so lonely without him .im sat in his coat got his trainers on .i feel like im going crazy.its like a nightmare i want to wake up .i dont like this false life without my sam in it xxx
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Thanks zoe,
I didn’t think I would enjoy it and was dreading it as you know all family get together are just another reminder our precious children are no longer here to celebrate with us we went out for a meal and as we always do we had a picture of Matt on the table with us so we could include him and toast him 
Much love to you dear Zoe , your darling Sam is always with you
Love Michelle xxx
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Hi Katie Jane.
Fortunately for the people that haven’t lost a child they are saved from the pain we have to endure. However the flip side of that is they try to give what they would perceive to be constructive helpful advice. However it very rarely is constructive or indeed helpful. I have suffered from people trying to tell me how long I should grieve and how I should be feeling. Think of the good times!!!
It’s what he would have wanted!!!
Try and force yourself to smile!!!
Come out for a night out and take a couple of hours out of grieving.
The list goes on. The guilt we feel is just a natural thing. It does fade eventually. In the beginning we are so busy trying to figure things out in our head that it feels impossible to lead a “normal” life again. Eventually you learn to take what well meaning people say to you with a pinch of salt. Wait till you come across the person who says something completely off the scale to you. We feel it so much more because we are vulnerable. As you get stronger you cope much better.
I suffered from terrible guilt. It crippled me. I tried counselling. Drinking. Reading books on the subject. I think with the passage of time you will always feel the guilt but you come to realize that there was nothing you could of done. The people that tell you “it wasn’t your fault”. It’s not about fault. I would walk to the ends of the earth if I could reverse what happened and the people around me will never understand that. Eventually we can harness our emotions and feelings. The people around you that have not lost a child, let’s just hope they never do
Take care.
Jim
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