Maddie, I know exactly how you are feeling, Dec 9th for me and 6 years down the line, like you there is not a moment when I do not think of Sam, I still talk out loud to him because I know that he can hear me. We are going away to Dorset 5th to 12th December, so I am not in these four walls, I can cope most of the time here at home but I like to go away on Sam’s anniversary as he died here at home in my arms, the last thing I said was I love you Sam and he replied love you too, those were the last words he spoke because he fell into a coma shortly after and died the following day Friday 9th December at 12 noon.
Hello dear Helen , just wanted to say what a lovely handsome chap Sam is . Yes it’s a very hard time for us this time of year , and I always remember you going away to get through the awful anniversary. We are going to see Jackie in Eastbourne the 4th Dec for a reading . She is amazing . Last one Dawn came through and answered every question . So I have about 50 questions this time to ask her , I am pretty sure she will come through , as Jackie said she only had one that hadn’t come through . That’s why I tried to ring you about it You really ought to try it . I also hate Dec 9th as my dear dad died on that day , and also it’s when the doctor called us all into his office to tell us the unbearable news that Dawn only had 2 days to li ve . The worse possible news ever , and that’s exactly what she had . But we will prob go out on her anniversary to Windsor , to take our minds off the day . I te I remember last year on the anniversary we went to Poole for the day , when we got home I went into the bedroom , and I couldn’t believe it her photo fell off the dresser. . Yes Helen they are deffinatly around us . Take care will be thinking of you . Love Maddie xxx
Hi all
I have been reading all ur stories and find it helps a little. I feel still so lost and completely alone 10 yrs on from the death of my son Conor 18. He was 1 of 4 children, my second born. In those early months everyone tried really hard to be a family. I was so busy helping everyone else I didnt even think about myself. His older sister had already moved out and had a baby b4 he passed. His younger brother by 13 months turned to drugs. His sister just 13 didnt cope, she was sleeping with me in bed. I didn’t know that this would be the beginning of the end of my marriage, my family and my life as I knew it. My 2nd husband not Conor’s father became resentful and moody and started working away all the time. My oldest just became consumed with her family as her daughter was born 5 months b4 Conors death. My other son took up MMA which I thought was good at the time. Until he got good enough to start taking actual fights that he was paid for. However they use cocaine to cut weight at 6 ft 1" he is fighting at 65kg, looking like a skeleton. He then went on to start dealing drugs to help him pay for what he needed to cut weight. My youngest daughter whos father became so resentful of her sleeping with me that started working away was just angry at the world. My husband slowly started being abusive to me. In 2014 I had an accident on holiday where he landed on me in a splash pool and I hit the bottom with such force it burst a disc in my back. This resulted in me being medically retired from work, unable to walk without crutches and for the most part completely housebound other than for medical appointments. They tried surgery but it failed within 6 months. My husband got increasingly abusive. Then at the beginning of 2018 I was offered a surgery to put a spinal chord stimulator in my spine which would not fix my back but would block a lot of the pain signals reaching my brain. I was so excited and was so sure Conor was looking after me. As in my area they only have funding for 6 to 9 surgeries of this type a year. I just had to wait for August to get the surgery. However this is when my husband really stepped up his abuse. I was on many controlled drugs. I woke one night to find he had removed my night wear and was under the duvet taking pictures of me. This was April. All I could think was I can’t even walk to get away, never mind leave him or kick him out as I had no way to support myself financially or physically. I was so ashamed I couldn’t tell anyone. I had many arguments with him about what he had done while he was working away, some even by text. All I could think was have this surgery and if successful I will be able to free myself from him. Our daughter would come home and find me crying but her assumption was I was still crying over Conor. I did not correct her as I didnt want her to know what her father had done. When he was at home he acted as if nothing was wrong. So September comes and I have my surgery. That same day I could walk with crutches or a walking stick without all the controlled drugs. However the recuperation was brutal. No bending, stretching, hands no higher than shoulders. 2 weeks post OP the abuse took another bad turn. My husband raped me on 3 occasions. I couldn’t move and did not scream at him as I didnt want our daughter to know. So December 6th I kicked him out. I still didnt tell anyone why. Our daughter 19 now was having a row on the phone with her father and he told her about the pictures. He assumed she was angry with him because I told her what he had done. This resulted in her having to testify in court against him once I had plucked up the courage to go to the police. Initially all my children were supportive. However the court case happened during covid-19, I was on the shielding list and couldn’t see anyone. By this time my youngest had bought a house so I was living alone. The trauma that my daughter went thru with the court case hurt her so bad that she stopped speaking to me. I was told by my other 2 children that I should not have put her thru that. They don’t blame her father for what he did they blame me for going to the police. So for the last few years I don’t have just 1 empty seat at the xmas table, all the seats r empty. I don’t get to see my grandchildren. I am still living in our family home, but don’t know for how much longer as my husband wants it sold so he can buy a house for his girlfriend and her family. I don’t know what I will do when I have to leave my home as all my memories r here. All the happy family memories we used to be. The thought of living somewhere that has no memories of my children has put me back to those early days and months of grief when u can’t even function. Of course lost all friends bar 2 with the death of my son. People can’t deal with someone who is grieving. But grief doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Life and all the mess that brings just keeps hitting me in the face. I feel like I am now grieving for all of my life. The life I was supposed to have. I was never going to have grandchildren from Conor, see him reach all the life goals his siblings have like buying their first homes, passing driving tests, having children, getting married. Conor will never get to have those but he did pass his driving test. Now I have lost all my children and grandchildren. I have 4. Worst of all my youngest has a relationship with her father and his new family. I lost everything. Knowing where my husbands resent fulness started is something I will never get over. 10 years of missing Conor I never thought it would actually be the end of my life as I knew it. I knew how to keep going after his passing by focusing on my other children. This last few years having lost them all now. I don’t know if I want to keep fighting or how to keep going.
Sorry for the dark and twisted tale. But this is real life and I am sure I am not the only person that’s life completely fell apart after the loss of a child x
Hello everyone I have not been on here in a while stop by to see how everyone is doing. The holidays are coming up so I’ve been kind of melancholy I am also going through a difficult time my boyfriend has to have open heart surgery and I have been a wreck. I know he will come through it okay but it just brings up so much fear after having lost a child a little over a year ago. I haven’t forgotten about anyone in all the support I received during my hardest times. I just want everyone to know that I am grateful for all of you and I hope everyone is progressing. Love to all
Dear Racy, it is lovely to hear from you and so sorry that your boyfriend has to undergo surgery. I hope you are okay and moving forwards with us . Stay strong and take good care of yourself xxx
Omg Pauline. My heart breaks for you and what you have been through. I can’t understand why your children would not stand by you in this awful situation. You have given so much for them. I hope you can find friendship and peace after all this. Keep posting. We are all here always.
Sending love.
Kate xxx
Oh poor poor Pauline! The more I read you long story, the worse I felt for you! I’m so very very sorry you have been / are going through this. I am just early (less than six weeks) into my grief for my own son, but my husband and elder son couldn’t be kinder to me. You, on the other hand, have had to deal with so very much hardship and pain all on your own. The fact that you are still standing after all this horror testifies to your great inner strength.
Have you had or are you getting g proper grief counselling? You must! Go to your GP, tell him your story if he/she is a compassionate doctor and then get help through him/her. Sue Ryder also offers grief counselling. Check it out on the site please! I would love to take advantage of this service myself but can’t as I don’t live in the UK.
I think you’re very brave for sharing your story. I wish you all the strength possible to get through this. You’ll never get over losing your son and it will be difficult to get past your other children’s treason, but through counselling you will hopefully be able to find meaning in life again and hopefully build your relationship back up with your other children.
Sending you millions of positive vibes and a massive virtual hug🥰
Oh my goodness Pauline, I’m so sorry you have been through all this terrible time. You do not deserve any of this and it has brought me to tears. Your husband is a monster. You are very brave in telling your story. Do you have good friends around you? I hope your children realise what you have been through and you can be reconciled with them xxx
Hello Pauline - I am so sorry to hear just some of the awful experiences you have had since your loss. Not only did you lose your boy but the aftermath has been a tsunami of further losses from those you needed to support you. You didn’t deserve this. You must be a very, very strong person. When my daughter died my family collapsed and everyone ended up fighting and those relationships are broken probably forever. I only had the one child and I do get to see my two gandkids. Considering the absolute madness that followed her death I have been ‘lucky’. You have had your whole life collapse on top of the awful grief, both in terms of relationships and your health. You haven’t had time to process your grief because of on going drama. You deserve better. Looking at my family now I can see all of us are traumatised and we’ve all been part of the madness, simply because we are all affected by my daughters death. You are overwhelmed emotionally, and left feeling isolated. Anyone would feel the same after so much to try to cope with. Try to hang on to the thought that you count too. You really do count as much as anyone else. I don’t know if you’ve tried counselling or not. It’s helping me but we are all different. You are ‘keeping on’ on a daily basis which must be very very hard. Think about putting yourself first. It’s not selfish. You are grieving your boy and the life you once had. It’s a shed load of pain but you have come this far. That shows strength grit and determination. Just start thinking of what you need, rather than others. Your feelings count. You count too. You deserve respect from others, as we all do. I send you my respect and loving wishes. I hope you keep posting, it’s something at least to be able to talk to others who ‘get it’ xxxxx
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I really appreciate it. Especially knowing everyone here has their own struggles. I was worried about sharing such an awful story. I am glad I did and am not hiding the truth anymore.
Thank you for ur kindness
Pauline x
I just wanted to add words of support to Pauline.
To lose a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, I’m so sorry Pauline’s loss has been followed by so much distress. I hope she finds sharing her story helps her in some way.
Sending kind wishes to all you bereaved parents - we have to keep going somehow, and reaching out to others makes us feel less alone.
Susan J
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the strength you have to be on here reading peoples stories when u r so early in ur stage of grief. I would never have had that kind of strength. That strength will carry u thru ur grief.
They say that a death in the family can make it stronger or tear it apart. We all know what happened in my case. But for u I wish your family to grow stronger. Indeed for everyone on here. As it truly is the worst thing that can happen in ur life.
I am happy u have the support u need from family. And this community. Sending u lots of love and hugs.
Pauline x
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Yes My husband is a monster. Who was not even shamed by being on the sex offenders register. I have 4 friends that r supportive and I would not have been able to get thru this without them. They r also the only people who know. I am still filled with guilt and shame over all that happened. When neighbours ask how my children and grandchildren r as they haven’t seen them coming to visit, I just say really good and it’s easier for me to go to them with their busy lives. There is shame and guilt in that also. How can u tell people that ur kids don’t want anything to do with u. It’s like I am the most horrible person in the world. So I just lie. It’s easier and less distressing for me.
Thank you for ur support. It means a lot especially as u r here for support as well. Sending love and hugs Pauline x
I am so sorry that ur family went thru such a bad time as well. It is almost a relief that I am not alone in that. I am so happy u have ur grandchildren. Loss really shows people for who they r. I am sorry for ur loss. What a blessing to have ur grandchildren. As they grow up u can tell them all the stories of their Mum. They will give u such comfort. I have recently started what I call being self kind. Where I treat myself to a face mask and listen to smiling mind, it’s a meditation app that is completely free and have my feet in a basin. Its a chance to just switch the mind off from the chaos. I give myself a self hug or wrap a blanket around me. I am getting better at it the more I do it. It might sound crazy but it is very soothing.
Sending u love and hugs Pauline x
Thank you so much for ur kind support. I do feel that writing the unvarnished truth has helped me feel less anxious and stressed. I feel supported and heard without judgement. I guess all this time I have been judging myself for the failure of my family to stay together. I thank all of u for ur support. Sending love and hugs. Pauline x
I think there are thousands of mums and dads who’ve found their entire family have gone crazy after a tragic loss. Everyone’s angry, everyone’s feeling guilty, everyone shows it differently. Bullying and blaming someone else and secret keeping and taking sides make it all worse. People we thought were dependable behave like strangers or worse, add to our misery. I felt completely lost and alone. I’m far from out of the woods yet. I am at least starting to see that I need to look after myself, like you are too. I’m stepping back from as much of the ongoing drama as I can. A few friends have been my rock, i go to them with my feelings now. I don’t go to people who make me feel worse. BTW - I’ve got a lot of help from Compassionate Friends, they ‘get it’. If I could send you a bucket full of strength I would. Big hugs xxxx
U r so right. Many people become strangers as they don’t know how to be social with someone who is suffering such a loss. I am glad u r stepping back from the drama. I spent a lot of time trying to engage with my kids and only got abuse back. So I had to stop as it was only hurting me. It was self preservation. Being self kind is not selfish. I am so happy u also have some friends that r there for u. I am not sure we ever get out of the woods. Life just grows around the grief. I have not heard of compassionate friends but will look into it, thank you. U have sent me a bucket of strength as have all the messages I have received. I am so glad that I posted my experience. It has really helped me feel less isolated. Love and hugs. Pauline x
Thanks for your kind words, it is hard to try and get through but we seem to do it each year. I would love to see this Jackie, she’s in Eastbourne do you have a number I could have as I am in Bristol and perhaps she does telephone reading.
Yes we are going away for the week of Sam’s anniversary and then we go away to St Ives for New Year with my sister in law and brother in law. They also lost their son Ben in a freak accident when he was 30 in the March of 2016.
First thing is first, yes he is absolutely a monster but you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Your children will eventually see that side of him, then they will know what remorse is, it may tak years for them to realise and I suspect that your daughter who went to court is having mixed emotions, your ex sound very manipulative as well. I am so glad that you have 4 really good supportive friends. Yes I understand where you are coming from with the “guilt” about your children and grandchildren but again you shouldn’t feel guilt or shame you have done nothing to be ashamed of.
