Darling Maddie, we all feel so much for you, John and Sarah. Just so much for you all but as I told you yesterday, I am sure that Dawn is looking out for her sister. Lots of love to you 
1 Like
Oh Victoria , Thankyou for your good wishes . Sarah has set up a Persoal WhattscAop page . She has been posting , she is feeling really tired as her Chemo has taken 6 hours , but she is feeling really upbeat , and says she is going to beat this thing . She has named her cancer Clanrence after her favotite film ( A wonderful Life ) . Everyone is posting and telling her . You can do this Sarah . . As she didnāt want any negative postings . Maddie xx
3 Likes
That all sounds positive ā¦ Sarah had definitely inherited her mumās lovely spirit! xxx
1 Like
Hi Maddie
Iāll send you a personal message tomorrow evening!
Annemarie (Joeyās Mom)
1 Like
My heart goes out to you itās Leahās 1 st year anniversary coming up on the 26 th Jan Iām dreading it I feel so anxious but sending you my love and hugs XX 
2 Likes
Hi all you lovely ladies .thank you so much for all your kind words your support .you dont reliaze .this is where i say my true feelings .free speech . Thank you . Ive been so emotional today so i drove to my grandaughters grave and sat in the car .its peaceful there . .its just one of those weeks .so many sad thoughts. Your all amazing. Without you i would be lost love and hugs zoe
2 Likes
Maddie as always my thoughts are with you .your amazing still helping others .stay strong lovely lady love and hugs zoe
Hi jim just wondered are you ok .not like you not to be on here at some point.hope all ok zoeā¤ļø
Dear Maddie,
You and Sarah have been in my thoughts, i am sorry this is happening to you all 
Sarah sounds so brave you must be so proud of her, stay strong dear friend 
Much love Michelle xxxx
Dear friends,
I have been reading all your posts sometimes i feel so sad i canāt even reply 
we are all in this journey together even though we are at different stages and sone have watched their dear children suffer some of us have had the knock on the door but we all share the same loss i think as time passes it doesnt get easier but you do learn to live alongside your grief but that old you will never be the same that person left the day our precious children left this earth, i believe so much that my precious son Matt is with me always and feel his presence all around, he will alway be part of our lives and we include him in everything we do, i havenāt got anytime fir these people who try to compare our loss to one of a loss of a parent or spouse there is no comparison, yes of course their loss is heartbreaking but they will never know the debilitating pain we carry every minute of the day, only those who have walked in our shoes will truly know
Sending you all much love always,
Michelle xxxx
4 Likes
Dear Michelle, it is so true. As i mentioned earlier, i felt i had been a bit heartless with my sister but her grief is completely different. They had been married 62 years and been together 5 years before they married. Her husband had a long life and was truly unhappy the last couple of years as his quality of life was not great. He wanted to die!
For all of us here, we were in shock no matter how the passing of our child. The utter disbelief that it had happened at all when they were all so young! The screaming inside our heads, the pain we carry with us all the time as the order of things for s is so wrong.
Thnk goodness we have each other here. Mums and Dads bonded, holding hands with each other eases the pain as we walk together every day.
Love to you Michelle and all dear friends.
Kate xxx
2 Likes
Hi all.
Not been on for a while. Had stuff going on over the past month or so. Plus also 2 days before Christmas I had an operation. Long time since Iāve been in the hospital, apart from when Sam died. Must be 30 years since Iāve needed to use the services of our health service.
Been waiting for the op for about 8/9 months. I was a little apprehensive leading up to my appointment. As you would be. Your going to get knocked out cold and your body invaded , itās all about trust. But nothing is guaranteed that you come out the other end in tacked.
I got ready for theater. Got taken to the anaesthetic room. A calm came over me like I hadnāt experienced before, Even before they put the needle in me to knock me out. One of the team even commented that I had a big smile on my face. I commented that I was happy. A little bit of me thought , how bizarre. But the majority of my thoughts were. I knew Sam was in the room with me, and that I would be absolutely fine. I never even gave what I was going to be having done to me a seconds thought. All I could think about was, I was in a happy place because I knew I would be with my boy. The calmness was so surreal. Normally at a time like this you would be a bag if nerves, agitated. Sweating, panicky . But I just felt relieved of all my worries and woes,. Iād forgot about all the people around me , work, the mortgage, bills,. The bad news on the tele. I was completely at peace . As the nurse stuck the needle in my arm, she was saying all the usual stuff. It will sting a little and donāt worry your in good hands ect. But it was all just white noise. I was in a happy place I could of cried I was in such a peaceful place.
Now my question is, has anyone else experienced this. Was it my imagination running away with me. My mind playing tricks. Wishful thinking. Obviously when I was out cold I felt nothing. My next thought was after the op when I woke up. You do a mental body check to make sure every thing is where itās meant to be and that you are fine.
But the moments before the op. My boy was in the room, he was with me. I could feel him. For those few moments it was the most beautiful Wonderful feeling of peace and connectivity. Something I,d definitely lost over the last few years .
Thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
1 Like
Hi Jim that sounds so beautiful and calming I canāt say much else. Iām waiting for 2 knee replacement s. In the near future I hope when Iām waiting to be put to sleep I hope my girls are in the room with me and I hope I feel the calmness. Take care Jim. Get better soon. Shellyanne .
5 Likes
Good to hear from you Jim. All good news too! I always look for your posts and so do others. Thank you for sharing. X
4 Likes
Oh Jim so lovely to hear from you. I am sure that your Sam was in that room with you and was alongside you. We know when our children are around. Such an amazing experience and very comforting for us all.
I havenāt had that experience (wish I had!) but two nights ago I had a dream about Gemma, which is very rare for me. I dreamt that I was talking to a girl who knew Gemma ā¦ she looked like an angel and had the most incredible voice. I was telling her how I had been able to leave a small bottle of champagne for Gemma to drink on New Years Eve. I said to her āI am so happy that Gemma can still have a glass of champagne in heavenā. The girl just smiled at me and the dream ended. But I woke up so happy and was in a happy haze all day.
There is so much that we donāt know. xxx
3 Likes
I read about the experiences of quite a few people on SR who have had dreams about their lost children or in Jimās case, felt his sonās presence. How envious I am!!! If only I could!! I used to have such vivid dreams in the past, often with my children in them but when they were still little, rarely as adults.
Now every night I go to sleep I wish Iād see Joey in my dreams, but I never do! I talk to him all the time, all the time when Iām alone in the car, when Iām walking in the rainā¦ I think about him almost every waking moment, yet I donāt feel his presence! Iāve read about plenty of people, either here or on the Compassionate Friends site or in the numerous articles and books on bereavement that Iāve consulted, and people describe all sorts of āvisitationsā etc. Iām not a believer. I still wish I could feel his presence or dream about him.
I feel Joeyās presence only in the sense I can still feel what his face felt like, his scalp when I stroked his hair in hospital, his big smooth feet and skinny legs - after he became ill - when I massaged him. Some people say that some years after their child died they can no longer feel them in that way. As for me I canāt imagine not being able to conjure up those feelings, because when I look at pictures of Joey when he was 5 or 6 I can still now feel the silky hair on his arms and the skin of his face.
4 Likes
Hi Everyone.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about connections with your loved ones. They are all very interesting and heart warming.
I am not a real believer in afterlife or anything religious but I try to stay open minded and would like to be proved wrong one day. However, some odd things have happened on every month anniversary since our daughter died. Maybe its because I am looking for something to happen, I donāt know. But some of the things are extremely unusual. From bank statements being produced showing your account is closed and being told its a computer error and the bank not being able yo explain it, to glasses exploding in a bar in front of us with no drink in an no one touching the glass, to us getting free shopping from M&S which does happen but very rarely and other things as well.
I do talk to my daughter all the time in the car, walking, or doing jobs and I think thatās what a lot of people do. I say goodnight to her every night.
I dream about her as an adult and often believe she is still alive when I get up in the morning which is a horrible experience when you realise the reality. My partner only dreams of our daughter when she was young which I never do. So I guess thatās a way we are dealing with grief in different ways.
I have not had that sense of her presence though and that would be lovely if it does happen in the future.
Xx
2 Likes
Hi all.
Bit random. Watched a film the other day. It involved a car crash. Thereās a million films involving car crashes, but this one , although the crash wasnāt the main focus of the film. Went on the show in slow motion great detail of the aftermath of the crash,. It showed the immediate afterthoughts of the driver in a kind of out of body experience type of way. Like leaving his body and looking down on himself. It also showed all the emergency services arriving and proceeding to to attend to what was laid out in front of them with all the relevant real time conversations. Someone in authority having to pronounce the driver dead ect.
Normally watching such a scene in a film would have just been back ground noise as regards to me watching the film,. The thing is it mirror,d the fatal crash my son died in. I was sucked in to the point I couldnāt take my eyes and ears off the screen. It basically felt like I was watching my boy. I found it very difficult to watch and I donāt mind admitting there were tears. But I felt I had to stick with it and watch to get a full understanding of all the stuff involved in the immediate time after such a crash . All the people who attend, firemen, police, ambulance, who are all mumās n dadās themselves, having to cut a dead person out of a wreck.
I remember writing to the emergency services after my son died just to say how grateful I was that these people actually exist.
It took me a long time after he died before I could put all the pieces of my sonās death together. It was far to painful to think about all the details and then edit it into a story in my head. Itās a human trait to bury your head in the sand and not think about such a traumatic event. But in a way it felt quite cathartic to watch the details of this film and also it was a milestone of how far I have come,. Could never of entertained watching or indeed talking about such subject matter a year or two ago.
It also showed the tornado that washes over the family and friends of the deceased person, the ripple effect that brings people to there knees, the total devastation it causes, the total heartbreak of loss.
When he died,. I could barely string a sentence together, I would lay in bed for days, I cut myself off from everything, I couldnāt eat, sleep, function,. I sank to the very bottom and stayed there for a long time. I felt emotions I didnāt know you could feel. I found stuff inside myself I didnāt know existed. I lost track of time,. I lost myself. I disappeared down a black hole. But you slowly come back up again, it takes time.
It still hurts like hell, still think about him every single day. Still get my off moments. But I watched that film and other things that happen in my life and I get through and learn from them. Things start to make sense in your head again. You get stronger. Everything you do is a hurdle you jumped that maybe last week/ month/ year , you couldnāt. For me thatās a positive
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim.
2 Likes
Dear Jim, you are spot on as usual. I could barely soeak about Lisaās passing to anyone at first. Now i can find the strength to explain to people what ECMO life support is and how it gave us time with Lisa as she was comfortable, happy to see us all every day and apart from being totally dependent on the ECMO machine, she looked lovely healthy even. When we were with her we got that we barely noticed the machine by her bedside.
Its weird how we could block that bit out.
We will always be grateful for the wonderful care Lisa received in Aberdeen. Such wonderful dedicated people.
Life is not how any of us expected it to be however.
Love to you Jim and all friends.
Kate x
3 Likes
Hi Kate.
Maybe itās a self preservation thing, our minds close down to the heartbreaking details in the beginning. We block them out so it didnāt happen. Only after we have time to come to terms do we open ourselves up and can process our loss. I find I can do a lot of stuff that I couldnāt do just after he died
Take care
Jim
1 Like