I am so sorry for all u r going thru. It is truly awful how some people chose to behave in the worst of times. U really have to focus on getting yourself thru this as best u can. I really think u should try 1 on 1 counselling as drinking that much is only going to make u more depressed. I understand trying to block out the pain. Sarah would not want this trauma going on. She would want u all to support each other.
My heart truly breaks for u. Please keep posting and know we r all here for u.
Love and hugs
Pauline
Yes like you I couldât listen to music, all I would watch on the TV was Allo Allo, reruns but gradually I came to terms with what had happened. Sam came home from
Sweden to tell me he had been diagnosed with a brain tumour he had another seizure here so Mathilda who is Swedish came here and we got them a flat etc. After the operation he was fine except he would drag his leg when he was tired as they gave him a controlled stroke on the operating table in order to take more of the tumour and lived another 4 and a half years, but was really ill in the last 6 weeks he sent Mathilda back to Sweden to study, but looking back he was letting her go because he knew he was dying. She was 7 years younger than him. I am still in touch with her (they never had any children) Even now I cannot listen to any songs of the Killers as that was his favourite band. Prior to his diagnosis he travelled all over the place he met Mathilda in Australia, we tried to talk him out of going, looking back I am so glad we did not succeed.
What a sad tale, Helen. Itâs a rollercoaster ride, isnât it, this perpetual grief journey we are on. Yesterday I had such a hopeful day, today has not been good.
What I do think helps is writing to Joey every day in my grief journal. Do you write to Sam? How old would he be now?
But Iâm also involved in something else that Iâve been obsessed about but which might in the long run do more harm than good to me., After Joey died I started doing in-depth research into testicular cancer and the treatment protocols. Not just the regular Google stuff. I read medical journals written by doctors for doctors. Very time consuming considering Iâm literary not scientifically inclined. Anyway, I discovered that some patients have cancers that although they initially respond well to platinum, one of the key ingredients in BEP chemotherapy, it then develops resistance. This took me further and I have been corresponding with the doctors in both university hospitals where my son was treated.
I now suspect that his treatment and possible survival may have had a lot to do with the fact our local hospital, where his primary oncologists were based, fââd up, excuse my French. The university hospital wanted his treatment to be continued there but our local hospital decided they were quite capable. They obviously knew about his platinum resistance- after all someone like meâs aware of it! Yet his salvage chemo still contained platinum! Boggles the mind! Why would they possibly not have sent such a young man back to a university hospital. Months later he was in the Lausanne uni hospital, but even 48 days there and a stem cell transplant with high density chemo couldnât save him in the end.
I am in the midst of writing a long letter to our local hospital - not for any litigation purposes as nothing can bring my son back - but because I need answers to a handful of very valid questions I have. I have acquaintances in the hospital admin and have been assured my registered letter with all the questions will be discussed very carefully.
Why am I doing this? Nothing will bring Joey back. But I am his only advocate, even in death.
I understand why you are doing this, I too at the inital time even before he died asked if he could have immunotherapy, but it waswnât available here I write to Sam especially when there is other rubbish goig on in our lives and I can always feel him looking over my shoulder. The first time I wrote to him I heard him say âwhat a load of crapâ, just keep living mumâŚit was so loud, that is the second time I have heard him like that, the first was I was in the kitchen crying and I heardâŚfor f***s sake mother get on Iâll see you in 20 years!! Sam over ever said mother when he was annoyedd with me that was his way of letting me know I was perhaps keeping on at him. Sam turned 40 in October 22 and all his mates turned up at the restaurant we go out to celebrate his birthday every year, itâs 6 years no but feels like 6 minutes at times
Both your stories are so sad and I can not imagine how hard it is to watch your beloved children slowly pass away. I am in awe of you both and for fighting to know the truth. We spend our lives fighting for our children and you do it even when they are no longer physically here.
It is Gemmaâs birthday today and I have spent the day with my other daughter and my ex husband, who is my childrenâs biological father and it was lovely. We went to the woods where she was at her happiest and we are planting flowers there. She would love it. Today we planted spring flowers and Peter tied some flowers into a tree. It felt nice to be together and doing something positive. Afterwards the 3 of us went for a drink together to toast our beautiful girl
Beautiful flowers. Gemma was very much loved, I can feel that. What sadness we have with our beloved children gone. Iâm glad you were all able to come together - with your ex-husband too, to honour Gemmaâs memory! Love and hugs.
No way are you weak darling girl. You are just trying to ease your pain. Sarahs husband sounds like a real moron. You are her Mother so just go! Its good she is responding well but its so hard for us Mums. We feel so hopeless.
Thinking of you all the time. You will never have to apologise to any of us. You helped me so much.
Thankyou everyone for your kinds words . I hope you are all coping well Victoria , so lovely how you have celebrated Gemmas birthday , beautiful but sad . . It never gets any easier Love to all . Maddie xxx
Thank you everyone. Like others, I try to look for the positives. I had 42 wonderful years with Gemma and it is good to celebrate that. I was very lucky.
Maddie, you are not weak, just going through the hardest of times. I think Matt is very unkind and stupid but he is Sarahâs husband and we have to tread carefully with him, particularly as Sarah is very dependent on him at the moment. Iâm sure that things will calm down as Sarah goes through her treatment and regains her health xxx
Sam & Joey were about the same age. Joey would have been 42 this coming May 5. Today I rewatched for the goodness-knows-howmany-ith time the video podcast recorded the week before his birthday in 2022. He said he hoped it wouldnât be his last one as 42 is the answer to everything according to The Hitchhikerâs Guide to the Universe - and Siri will tell you that too if you ask her what the meaning of life is.
Joey would call me mother too at times, just for fun. And the German âMuttiâ if he was particularly sweet or if he wanted my help or a big favour! Iâd do anything for him and he knew it!
The day before he died when he was so disoriented and in such pain, twisting around in his hospital bed, he called me mommy. Heâd not called me that since he was 11. It broke my heart.
The flowers look beautiful Victoria i am sure Gemma would have been so happy to see you all together, i can imagine it must have been a very special day sending love and hugs to all xxxx
Just read your post, first and foremost Sarah is your daughter, and she needs you so if it means kow towing to that piece of s*** she calls a husband so be it, letâs get her through her radiotherapy treatment first. We all know what a complete moron he is to keep doing this t probably makes him feel big, typical bully tactics and I woud imagine Sarah will eventually see this for herself, although that will take time. You are not weak at all you have been athrough and are still going through the toughest of times and everyone is here to listen
I wish I had your belief that youâll see your son again. I know a lot of people here in this group are believers but Iâm not. Neither was my son. Itâs the finality of it all that sometimes just overwhelms me. Itâs a beautiful sunny day here in Switzerland but Iâm home in bed on Day 9 of pneumonia. I keep thinking of this time last year when we still had hope and life without Joey was unthinkable. And I look at pictures of his childhood & teenage years and when he was a young man and I just canât take the grief at times. 4 month this Monday. I donât believe Iâll ever find joy again in anything.
So sorry to hear you are so unwell! Sadly, being ill always makes us mentally low as well. Its like we are swimming against a strong current all the time, never really getting anywhere but becoming more and more exhausted. Its such short time too since you lost your beautiful son. I didnt realise how much the shock and grief would affect my health. It is obvious when i think about it as we have had the worst trauma any parent could have had to endure. Life stopped for us the minute our children took their last breath. Eventually our strength returns but it takes some time.
I hope you are getting all the loving care you need.
Sending love and hope.
Dear Joeyâs mum, I am sorry you are feeling so unwell. Like Kate, I think that trauma and grief definitely affect our health. We are much more susceptible and it is such early days for you. I have found that if I am unwell or tired, I am much more emotional, sad and tearful and it can become a vicious circle.
I do hope you are better soon and are being looked after. Let us know how you are.
Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxx
Dear Maddie, Its so hurtful for you of the sorrow that your son-in-law is putting you through especially after losing your darling Dawn just a few years ago, its obvious that Sarahâs illness will bring back so many heart braking memories ones that no parent ever forgets and will stay with us all for the rest of our lives⌠and now you have the worry of Sarah illness.
Stay strong Maddie donât make yourself ill Sarah will need you once she starts getting better as for her husband donât let him upset you or stand in your way remember you are a lot stronger than you think. Thinking of youâŚWith love Marina xxxx
Hi Victoria, Hope Gemmaâs Anniversary and the day of her birthday went well for you, difficult dayâs with so many memories ,happiness and sadness all in one.
With love Marina xxx
Marina , Thankyou so mush for your kind words . Yes itâs very hard at the moment John my husband wants to have a go at Sarah husband , but Sarah being ill he canât do it . But he said I will do it , He isnât going to talk to you like that anymore . My Grandson , canât understand it , he said canât he understand hips we must feel already losing a Daughter . But Matt is very protective of Sarah which is a good thing , But when we are not aloud to see our own daughter , when we have been told his mum and dad have visited it hurts . Joeys . Mum , so sorry you are feeling so poorly . Sending love to all . Maddie xxxx
