Hi Victoria the anniversary of your poor girl must be gut wrenching for you. I can only say I’m going through the same. And I know how you are feeling it was Leah’s first yr anniversary last week and everything comes back. I’m sending you my love. Take care shellyanne xx
5 Likes
Hi Victoria
Anniversaries r really hard. U think it should be easier with time but i havent found that. I am thinking about u
Love and hugs 
Pauline
3 Likes
Oh Victoria,
These anniversaries come round, and it does not matter how many years have passed, they hurt you deep in your heart. I am thinking of you and hoping that you can get through the day.
Love Helen
3 Likes
Dear Victoria,
These anniversaries just keep coming. It will be 4 years in May since Matt passed, for all of us its like time has stood still, im sure you feel the same like it could be 5 months not 5 years since your darling Gemma passed, you and your darling girl are in my thoughts, sending you much love and hugs and hoping your day wasn’t too paiinful
love Michelle xxxx
2 Likes
Thank you everyone for your heartfelt messages on Gemma’s anniversary. It is her birthday tomorrow but I always feel much calmer for that day … not sure why but maybe because we are celebrating her birth, a very happy day to us and the beginning of her life here with us. I am spending it with her dad and Tiffany and Louis. We are planting a secret garden for her in the words near where we live.
I have been thinking a lot about my continuing relationship with Gemma … it makes perfect sense to me in that she is still my daughter, that will never change, even though she is no longer physically here. So I still talk to her and we talk about her a lot as a family. Of course that keeps her memory alive for us which somehow keeps her closer. This helps me so much. I have been reading about it and it is called ‘continuing bonds’. I wondered what everyone else thinks about it and I hope everyone is doing okay xxx
3 Likes
Hi Victoria
I agree wholeheartedly on continuing bonds. I talk to Conor all the time and take great comfort from it. Sonetimes its hard to remember the sound of his voice so i play old DVDs of old family gatherings and fun times. It really helps to keep him with me. Some days its 2 hard to watch but on the good days it brings back lots of memories and other funny things that u suddenly remember. Keep Gemma with u and hopefully u will find a sence of joy with those memories.
Love and hugs
Pauline
1 Like
Thank you Pauline. You are right in keeping it for the good days … I hadn’t thought about that and how lovely to talk to Conor. That’s what keeps them alive for us in our hearts.
I remember when I lost my dad and my aunt saw me crying. She came up to me, put her arm round me and said ‘don’t worry darling. He is not very far away’.
I found that so comforting at the time and still do. Much love to you xxx
1 Like
Hi Victoria,
Just read your message, happy birthday to Gemma, I lke you still talk to Sam tell him what is going on change his flowers every week, he loves pink and any bright colour in fact I always get roses. I also ask him for his help, It is like for you a way of keeping them close because like Gemma she is all around you and although you may not feel her all the time she is watching and she can hear what is said. Sam I know is all around
me and I always ask him to keep everyone safe.
Love Helen
3 Likes
I too speak to my son Joey whenever I’m alone in the car. And I write to him at great length. Every day. My grand plan is to write the book for him that he had intended to write once he’d beaten cancer. I found many of his notes, even the title and how he intended to start. We’d even discussed my being a co-writer to tell his story from a mom’s perspective. Rather than the one original strand, my plan is to have three: 1) who he was - so, biographical, but with short anecdotal chapters, some from me, some based on interviews with his friends; 2) his 16-month cancer journey - filled not only with the informative nitty-gritty but his hilarious observations about other patients and medical staff etc, all told with his inimitable wit; 3) coping with grief - how I am doing that. The process.
He started a movement for testicular cancer awareness through a 25-episode video podcast, we have a web-store, but we intend to turn it into a foundation so we can attract more charitable funds to spread the word about this cancer, that although a very high percentage recover from, still kills some. My son was one of the unlucky few who developed eventual resistance to platinum, the main ingredient in many chemo protocols. This is one of the ways I am keeping my son close to me - working to spread awareness. I like to think he would be proud of me.
It’s only 4 months since my son died and I miss him every second from the moment I wake up - but I am gradually coming back to life. Never my old life - that’s gone forever. But I’m able to function better. Partly perhaps because of having a great therapist, taking antidepressants and also from having a small network of the best friends any grieving mom could possibly have.
Do I still have meltdowns and wake up in the middle of the night in a terrible sweat when I think about all the horrors he endured? Of course I do. But I’m slowly trying to find my footing again after having been knocked down for so many months.
I don’t always feel so positive, believe me, but I thought I’d share a few of my better moments in the hope it will help some other grieving moms too. According to the Compassionate Friends, anyone grieving for a child who died less that 3 years is considered newly bereaved. At first I felt so guilty that I might want to ‘live” again, and I admit I stopped reading many posts on SR because I found them so depressing. I also joined a Facebook group but left after the constant flow of anguish, many from moms bereaved years and years ago, left me drained and depressed. I’ve always been a positive person, and I’m trying to emulate my son a little. His positive podcasts, recorded until less than a week before his death, endeared him to a huge following, saw him interviewed on TV and the radio and numerous newspapers. And I am immensely proud of him and to be his mom!
6 Likes
Dear Joeys mum, you are exceptionally brave as it is such early days. I’m sorry if the posts make you feel depressed. Like you I try to be positive. Although we miss our darling children so much, we have the rest of our lives to live and I want to make mine a good one as far as I can. I am also conscious that I don’t want to burden my children’s and grandchildren’s lives with sadness. They deserve to have as happy a life as we can provide.
Joey’s podcasts sound amazing and I am going to listen to them. Helping to raise awareness of cancer or (in my case) mental health, is so important and I think it makes their lives even more important and worthwhile. I can almost hear Joey cheering you on! I look forward to listening to the podcasts. Much love xxx
1 Like
Thank you for the thumbs up, his podcast is called Having1Ball with Joseph Barnes. It opens to his web-store - now run by his Norwegian buddy- but if you go to the top left you’ll see the link to all the episodes. Start with season 1 episode 1. They are truly not depressing, even though the second season becomes much darker. But they make people both laugh and cry. His unbelievable courage shines through even during the dark times.
I’m afraid I don’t even have one % of his bravery, unfortunately.
I wish you lots and lots of strength too, Victoria. Grieving for one’s child is devastating, and it takes its toll not only on our mental health but also our physical health. I’ve got pneumonia at the moment - second time since Joey died. I used to be as fit as a fiddle but the doc says grief lowers your immune system very badly. So take care of yourself!!
2 Likes
Hi Victoria, Gemma is in your heart and mind, she is never far away. Celebrate Gemma’s birthday tomorrow and remember your special, caring talented daughter
A little verse
Remembering you on your birthday
But this is nothing new
For no day dawns and no day ends
Without a thought of you
Love Chris xx
2 Likes
Joeys mum
Ur and ur sons story is truly inspirational. I don’t know how u find that strenghth so early in ur bereavement journey. I was numb and focused on everyone else for the first 6 or 7 years. I did all i could to block my own feelings.
I would certainly love to read that book when u write it. It sounds like a great way to continue ur relationship and would be very helpful to so many people.
Love and hugs
Pauline
2 Likes
Thank you Chris for the lovely words xxx
Hello everyone I feel guilty haven’t even read your post . I am feeling really sorry for myself . This week has been so hard . We fell out with Sarah husband again . I just put something o Facebook private message , said please don’t put anything to Sarah and someone did . Next thing Sarah husband told me to shut my mouth and now can’t see Sarah he has blocked us . We have juried to carry on . But my life has falling to prises so much . I have been drinkinking every day 4 bottles of gin. It’s like Grieving all over again . My heart is broken I am so bloody week , We are trying to cope with dong other things . But , we have been told sSarah is doing well with chemo , but it’s 5 days of Radiationnthat is dangerous . I just can’t cope . I would rather not be here . That’s how week I am . Maddie xx
1 Like
Hi Joeys mum
I am not so sure that you don’t have 1% of Joey’s bravery, plus you are his mum so he would have got his bravery from you, you are still standing and you are trying to cope. All I can say is Joey will be so proud of you, as I am sure he knows how you are doing every day. He sounds an immensely brave man and rightly, you are proud of him. I will not talk of any of our children in the past tense as they deserve to be thought of with love.
Love Helen
3 Likes
Thank you Helen for your kind words., I agree with you about not using the past tense., I’ve had it pointed out when I talk about him in the present, but it almost seems like he’s even more in my life now than before he became Ill. Don’t know if that makes sense. When he was healthy and living his life my first thoughts of the day were obviously often of totally different things: I wonder if it will rain today, should I change the sheets, work-related things, so many mundane and useless worries. Of course I always thought about both my boys every day and we texted or spoke if not every day, certainly several times a week when I didn’t see them. But never with such all-encompassing intensity that is always there. I’m still in the stage where I feel guilty if I allow myself to be distracted by other things. I’ve just started reading again (all I had the energy for the first months was watching cat & dog videos), but I still can’t listen to music. Too emotional. How about you?
1 Like
Oh Maddie - you are not weak. You are overwhelmed with worry about so much. It just keeps coming at you, one thing after another. It’s not selfish to think ‘what about me?’. Have you thought of maybe having a day off, when you just don’t deal with any of it. A day for YOU - spend it anyway you like and just consider the thought you need rest and a bit of space for you. Do nothing, lie in bed, go for a quiet walk, have a soak in the bath, anything at all that’s for you. You deserve it, honestly. Xxxx
1 Like
When my daughter died it felt like my whole family went mad and behaved out of character. We were always decent to one another before but the shock and trauma ended up like living in an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show. No one was listening and everyone was so stressed no one could think straight. I didn’t feel any better at all till I gave myself a break. Think of yourself Maddie, give yourself a well deserved and overdue break if only for a day. Xxxxx
1 Like
Dear Victoria,
I would like to wish your precious Gemma a “Happy Heavenly Birthday”, i will be thinking of you today as you plant the lovely secret garden for Gemma, what a wonderful idea. I also speak of and keep Matt in the present, we include him in everything we do as our beautiful children are and will always be with us, i haven’t heard of continued bonds and have googled it and realised that we are already doing that, its the only way i cope, i hope orhers can do the same as it really helps. Our beautuful dog Star who was 13 has recently passed away, we have all been heartbroken as she has got us all through the darkest days, the days i didn’t want to get out of bed she would come and sit by my bed and i would drag myself out to walk her and it would always make me feel better, she had cancer for 2 years and the vets were amazed she kept going, i have recently started having more interest in things and feel i have started to be a bit more positive and my friend pointed out that Star had felt this and that she could go like she knew i was going to be okay, we know Matt will love having her with him and we take great comfort from this.
Sending you and everyone much love
Michelle xxxx
1 Like