What a wonderfully courageous person you are and what a fantastic idea to set up a charity in your son’s name. He would be so proud of you. (I’m so proud of you - and I’ve never even met you!) May the charity go from strength to strength. Young men need to be encouraged to take more care of their health.
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You really struck a chord with me. I lost My wonderful daughter Hollie 10th June 2024. I was in a very very bad place, I honestly didn’t think I’d survive. I joined this group out of desperation, the support but more importantly the understanding was so important to me. Hollie had additional needs and I am a special needs teacher. I have poured my heart and soul into my 10 students this last year, it’s the only way I can manage my deep, deep longing to have Hollie by my side. I received an award from my school for the work I’ve done this year ’ for aspiring ’ . I accept it because it is the overwhelming love I have for Hollie drives me on to help my students to be their very best.
I have gone through a guilt phrase, did I take my eyes off the ball with Hollie? I had nursed her through a kidney transplant in 2016, her dad donated a kidney, I genuinely think I knew her body better than I knew my own.
In conclusion, I’m present, I’m here. I am utterly and irrevocably changed, not necessarily for the better. However, Hollie was incredibly brave and I owe it to her memory to keep going. Love and grief are intertwined, it’s hard but life is beginning to show some sort of new routine. Be kind to yourselves, be kind to those around you , they will not fully understand how we are feeling but then we wouldn’t want them too would we?
Much love to all
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Hi Holly’s mom! Good for you, doing what you do in Holly’s memory. I’m sure she would be so proud of you! Guilt can eat away at you, can’t it? I have a wonderful shrink/grief counsellor, with whom I’ve working for over two year now. He’s helped me a great deal, but he’ll never help me get rid of my guilt. It’s my cross to bear and I accept it.
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I think we all suffer from mum guilt or dad guilt. I know I do. It seems there is no escaping it. After I lost Gemma, I sat up night after night analysing every detail of what happened and nearly drove myself mad. It is not surprising they talk about ‘the madness of grief’. My GP said to me ‘this will change you and people will have to get used to the new you’. She was so right as I am a different person now in so many ways. Those who understand will love us and embrace us as we are now but sadly not everyone is able to do so.
Annemarie, what you have achieved in your son’s name is remarkable and I persuaded my husband to get tested after hearing your story.
I met up with Maddie yesterday and as we sat having a drink together, 2 robins appeared! We like to think it was our darling girls visiting us. Maddie reads all your messages but is struggling to get online here again but sends her love to you all as do I 
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Hi Victoria, you’re right as was your GP. It changes us profoundly. I used to have a card sitting on the notice board above my desk that said « Don’t sweat the small stuff », and yet I’m sure I did. That sure has changed! I look around me at people who get so upset about the smallest difficulties in their lives and think, if they only knew how unimportant that all is!
It’s sad that we lose friends after the worst possible thing has happened to us. But at the same time it makes us appreciate those who continue to stand by us.
I’m so pleased you had your husband checked out! 
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Oh my goodness! The words about friends!! I have one friend who has been incredible and another who I have known for 30 years is very uncomfortable, she simply doesn’t ask or talk about Hollie . Her life has moved on ( quite rightly) whereas I am simply living each day as it comes. I do try to talk about her holidays, kids etc but it feels very forced. So, unfortunately we are drifting apart, I do try saying please talk about Hollie, she lived, you loved seeing her, I like talking about her- I have changed, I am super aware of that but I did think our long term friendship would survive anything . I still keep in touch obviously but the last thing i want is for people to be uncomfortable around me
Hi there
This happens a lot, people dont know how to deal with it, and i think counselling should be free, its a postcode lottery with group meetings and access to help. Like me your daughter was your life your world, you cant just be expected to “move on” but thats what people want, cause they feel uncomfortable. Its so sad, there needs to be more awareness.
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It really hurts though, doesn’t it? We expect our close friends to be able to deal with our loss, our changed world etc., but not everyone can. They’ll talk about their living children - we all want to share their lives - but talking about the child who is no longer there is just as important. We need to do that. We want our close friends to acknowledge their lives.
My best friend does that. She mentions Joey just when talking about the most banal thing and it warms my heart.
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Hello All
I haven’t been on here for a long time, but i read all your posts. Hollie my son was 34 when he died of a brain tumour and like you most of my friends have been friends for nearly 40 years. My friend Sally is fantastic as is Jan they talk all the time a out Sam but 1 friend Lyn who was my friend of over 30 years couldnt cope with what happened and i havent seen her from that day (the funeral) to this. Some people do not know how you cope but it is just a treadmill of getting up each day and keeping going. Sam passed on the 9th December 2016 and the tears still flow quietly in the night or when i remember Sam said or did this then the tears start, grief is love with nowhere to go
Love Helen
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Hi samsmum
Sending you my love 
and a hug xx take care xx
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Hi all
Reading through the previous messages. If I may add my thoughts. I think besides the grief and the upset and trauma of loosing my son the biggest learning curve I went through was seeing everyone around me change. Yes I changed too, that’s inevitable after loosing a child. But out of all the people that came to his funeral. Every last one of them disappeared from the face of the earth. Very close life long friends simply vanished from my life. I didn’t notice at first as I was so wrapped in grief. But then you start to realise that you haven’t heard from such and such For a while. Then it actually dawns on you that people you classed as family friends have actually made a conscious decision to stay away. When the news broke that my son was killed in a car crash my phone lit up like an arcade game it never stopped ringing and messages for about two or three days. Once the funeral was over literally everyone vanished. About six months after the funeral I realised that the fact all my so called friends disappeared had a profound effect on me. ( I,m passed that feeling now). I’ve never heard from any of them since. Quite a few years now. I went through the whole. Is it me. Is it them ? I not that stupid to know that They don’t know what to say. Or. Give Jim some time he’ll be ok. I covered all the scenarios in my head. But hear we are years down the line and I don’t hear or see any of these people I once had a life with. I’m in a much better place mentally these days and I can see that the bottom line is. The people that avoid you after your loss simply just can’t be bothered. I don’t have a single friend in my life from before my boy died. In actual fact I have family members who just will not ever mention him. Or won’t acknowledge anniversary dates but will quite willingly tell me all about their children or their problems. I’ve grown a thick skin and I just get on with I’ve analysed things a 1000 times but people will act how they act. There’s very little you can do You just have to move on. I’m more annoyed at myself if I’m honest I have tried to reconnect with certain people. And I wasn’t being an annoying needy person looking for attention I was just looking to connect. Pick up were we left off. But it just fell on deaf ears. In the end my wife and myself practically reinvented ourselves. Made knew friends moved in different circles. It was one of my sons anniversaries in may. Didn’t get a single message I’m not a bad person or a miserable old so n so. I’m quite a friendly person. Love a good laugh I’m quite sociable. But the day you realise that you are the bigger person then that’s the better for you. You are only hear-once. life isn’t a rehearsal. I’m 60.yrd. I had life long friends I’ve known since school. Been to weddings had holidays with. Watched their children be born and grow up into adults. But I’ve wasted enough energy wondering why they don’t bother with me anymore. I have no interest in these people anymore. They took that away from me. I personally think when you loose a child you find out a lot about yourself and the people around you. Friends and or family members shunning you is just one tiny aspect of all the things that happen to you. There are many things running through your mind that are new and you have to deal with. But you do deal with them. Life is totally different after the loss of a child. But you learn in whatever way possible to deal with it. I used to worry about others all the time. But all the worrying in the world changes nothing. I miss boy every waking moment but I’m in a much happier place mentally than I was a few years ago. I notice the nice things in life. I know how lucky I am just to have the simple things in life. And one day I will be with him again.
Ok thanks for listening
Jim
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Jim, thank you for your very wise words. You sound like such a caring and lovely person and I am sorry that people have been so unkind.
I can identify with everything you say. I know I have written about this before but my sister cut contact with me on the day of my daughter’s funeral and I have never heard from her since, because she disagreed with how we organised the day. It is sad but I have made peace with it now and and would do the same again. She has never seen Gemma’s boys since then either.
I do have a few friends who understand more how I feel and I can talk to them but I know that
I have changed also so am grateful to have them in my life.
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Dear Victoria and all friends here.
Yes, its weird how some people you thought would stand beside you through the worst time of your life, just cant cope and disappear, off the radar.
Conversely, people whom you least expected remember the anniversaries of our childrens passing.
I even had a message this.year from the senior nurse of the ECMO team in Aberdeen saying how our Lisa had a special place in their hearts and they will always remember her. We are very touched by this. The entire team came over for her funeral, two straight off night shift. Just amazing how much Lisa meant to them.all.
Love to you all.
Kate xx
Love to
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Thanks for your post Jim a lot of what you say resonates with me x
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