Hi all.
Just thought I’d touch base and relate a story.
I work alongside a guy. ( a good friend). Quite. Few years ago he was in the Royal Marines. Been round the world done and seen things you shouldn’t have to see. He never brags about any of it. But now again we get into a drunk txting session. His mask slips. He won’t say what he’s done and I never press him. But about the same time I lost my son he lost one of his brothers in a motorcycle accident. He never really talks about it but what he does do is explain to me how it has wrecked his mum and dad. So the other night we were having a drink ( at our respective homes) Drunk texting and he says. Been visiting my parents today and my dad was telling me a story from years ago about my brother and at the end of the story his dad said. I’ve no idea why I told you that tale. My friend said I looked into his eyes and could see my dad was still broken. He then went onto say. I’ve done and seen things but the loss of a child. Your pain isn’t lost on me Jim. I see it in my parents everyday. I told him. You just learn to carry on. There is nothing else. You just carry on. There are no easy answers. No quick fixes. The funny things is. He says he gets what he needs off me to deal with his parents grief. And I get what I need from him because he’s a no nonsense straight talking blokey bloke. So we kind of bounce off each other if that makes sense. I’m not to bad these days. But in the past if I was having a down day. He would tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. And for some reason it worked. I suppose we all need our personal yardstick to measure ourselves against. He’s often told me about his dad. He doesn’t know how to deal with him or his grief. But tells me he uses me to compare to his dad and that makes sense to him. Point I’m making is sometimes you find a little bit of what you are looking for in the most unlikely of places. Ok. Thanks for listening. Take care
Over the last few years we’ve had many deaths in our family - my mum, my step dad, my father, my brother-in-law, my sister, my father-in-law. But losing my 24 year old son surpasses them all. I feel guilty that I no longer grieve for our other passed family members. They have had their lives, some long lives as well. But my poor son had such a short life. Over the last few years we watched him grow into a fine young man only to die in his sleep of an undiagnosed heart problem. We are broken and we don’t ever expect to recover from losing him. So I totally understand what your friend says about seeing his parents grief reflected by the grief in your eyes after all these years. I don’t think any of us will recover and “ move on “ as a lot of people tell you to do. And I’m afraid I don’t even feel sympathy anymore for elderly people who pass . They lived a good long life . Our children didn’t get the chance to.
Dear Jim, I am so glad you had that drunken text conversation with your friend. Sometimes we think people don’t care but they have their own reasons for not showing their true feelings.
I was thinking of you all this morning. I was reading about someone who had lost his brother and was talking about the loss. He said that his brother brought certain characteristics out in him and he feels that he has lost that side of him that only his brother saw. I hope that makes sense? But it got me thinking.
Thanks Letty snd Jim they are really good posts. Our daughter was just 19 and I just wish we all could have had many more years and would gladly trade places if our daughter could live on. Some of our family have lived well into their 90s and although it may be sad when they die thats what you expect to happen, they had a good and very long life. It’s so tragic to die young and it upsets me much more than it used to to hear of young people dying. We will never get over our daughter dying which was preventable and I guess no one ever does when they lose a child , but you just plod on not really enjoying life as we would and should have been. We will probably just get old alone .
So sorry to hear about your daughter, and I know how you feel. I lost my son age 39. My heart broke. And I just take one day at a time. But the hurt and sadness never goes away . God luck for your future. Always here if you need to talk.
Get you. Other deaths You get past them. But children deaths. No !!! It’s a pain that never passes a pain that can’t be equaled a pain that cannot be explained A pain that never goes away It just is what it is. We have to live with it
My son has been gone 13 months and today feels like day 1. I feel terrible and can’t stop crying. I miss him and need him so much. I wish I could swap places with him. No parent should have to go through this, it’s the wrong order.
Gets harder and harder, but what can we do? My son died July 2023 of Cancer within 3 Months. He said to me I don’ want people crying over me ,he always thought of other people . He had special needs ,but we had 47 wonderful years of him,God bless everyone who reads this.
Dealing with life after loosing a child is a strange place you find yourself in. It’s uncharted territory. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. Coming on this site and speaking to like minded people and reading their stories gives you the ability to see where you are on a sliding scale of what is considered normal or whether you have actually gone mad. It’s heartbreaking to see new people joining this site who are recently bereaved. Because you know what absolute hell lays before them. It’s hard enough when you are a few years down the line. But for new people it’s a pain and a journey I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. When it happened to me. In the beginning I had no idea how I could even carry on breathing let alone live any kind of life. The first few years is like treading water. You are just trying to survive in what seems like impossible odds. When things start to settle in your head. You have to learn how to jump back into the rat race. Only you’ve changed. Your view on everything is totally different from how you once were. Sometimes you say and do things that you never thought you would. You become acutely aware of situations or things people say to you but other situations or people you don’t care about. Sometimes I can see only to well the changes in me. My personality my behaviour. Other times I even take myself by surprise. Grief is a strange thing it can totally destroy you. It definitely alters you. Some people go on to do great things after a loss. Start charities or just fight for justices. Or campaign for different causes. Others just struggle to live with the pain. What ever it is that you do. It’s all about survival. There are things I think about. Things that would never have crossed my mind a few years ago. Also other people’s drama just washes over me. You know. All the trivial stuff !!! It’s quite difficult keeping your outer shell on. The outer shell you wear when you leave the house and present yourself to the world. Cause there will always be days you just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Or days you just want to yell. Eff off at somebody. In the end you have get by how you get by. If you’ve turned into a miserable so n so. Or you drink to much or. You literally climb mountains and swim oceans for good causes. Then it’s whatever helps you manage your mind. As the old saying goes plans are great until life gets in the way. Nobody ever visualises loosing your son or daughter and how it will effect you. Yet here we all are trying our best to navigate the impossible. I would give the world to have my boy back but that’s not going to happen so I have to just settle for living in the world. There are definitely still moments of hope though. You do find things to smile about again. There are definitely things that make you want to carry on carrying on. Ok think I’ve rambled on long enough. Take care. Thanks for listening Jim
You are so right, Jim, as ever. When we lost Gemma my GP said ‘you will not be the same person now and losing Gemma will change you. People will have to get used to the new you’. She was so right. I came across this today and it is true for me. Lots of love to you all.
I lost my special needs daughter to cancer, she was 35 .To my husband, her sister and brothers she was the light in our lives. We are forever changed. Losing a child is devastating in any circumstances but when they have additional needs it’s so compounded, I still helped her to get dressed, to wash her hair. I miss her every single day , I’m a very poor shadow of the person I was.
Just a touch base thing. Been there done that. It’s nearly Christmas again. I’ve got step children loved ones. People I care about. Lads I work with. But the one thing I want I can’t have. Never goes away. Sorry guys. Drink is involved tonight. Just miss him Miss him so much
Chris was so independent, learning so many things. He loved everyone, he knew he had cancer and was going to die. The first thing he said he did not want people crying over him. The world can be so cruel and hard, why did the lord give us these beautiful people and then so cruelly take then away from us. Life is unfair but perhaps they have met up and looking down on us.
I find this time of year particularly hard. Gemma loved Christmas and I haven’t put my tree up since I lost her. I really can’t face it. I avoid Christmas carols and any triggers. But somehow we get through xx
How can we ever not feel the longing for our children? We try to manage as much as possible but we can’t keep a lid on it all the time and we just erupt.
Had a bit of boozy weekend. Sorry if I’m letting the team down. Miss my boy. Usually I’ve got it contained. But struggling this weekend. Don’t know why. It’s hard guys Normally I can compartmentalise Just don’t seem to be able to get it together this weekend. Nothing particular. Just struggling. You know how it is. When you’re on your own looking for answers. Thank you. for being there and understanding
. God luck for your future. Always here if you need to talk.
