Dear Kate,
I feel the same about Charlie and so lovely to see glimpses of his mummy in him. A memory came up on my FB recently, a photo I had taken of him with one of his mummy’s cameras and I had entitled it ‘following in mummy’s footsteps’. She was a very talented photographer.
Gemma had several miscarriages before Charlie so such a precious child and so lucky to have him. Our little ones do give us hope for the future.
Much love xxx
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We all have this wonderful memories. I just had my step daughter visit from the states while on work trip. She and I say in my daughter’s room and remembered times with her . we cried too an emotional day today for me. Looking at photos and thinking of her it just don’t seem real. She loved her life even though it was a tough one she fought all the way I miss her more than any words to explain.
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Hello All,
Although Sam didn’t have any children, my other son has a set of identical twin girls and an older boy Stanley 5, Molly Rebecca, and Poppy Samantha (after Sam) they’re just over 2 now and Poppy is just like Sam, she never sits still always wanting to go here or there and I’m chasing after her, but Molly is quiet and likes to draw (if you can call if that!), it is lovely to have them, I know Hannah my elder son’s wife says to me I miss Sam so much and will recount stories of him, he was always round their house fixing things, she came home from work one day and the cupboard door handle was fixed, it had been broken for quite some time so she knew Sam had been (Geraint my elder boy is a chartered accountant and none too good at DIY) but Sam bless him was very good (even though they gave him a controlled stroke on the operating table to take more of the tumour) and his hand did not work so well he still managed. It is that fighting spirit that he had to keep trying, that makes me push on as I know just how mad he would be if I curled up and withered away. Sometimes I talk to his photo and say not sure if I want to go on without you and I can hear a really exasperated sigh…and a get on with it for ***** sake!!! So I know he’s here all around me, and watching.
With love to you all,
Helen
Helen that’s exactly how I feel about Lisa. She just got on with her life and didnt let her lung condition get in the way. Yes she got breathless if she over exerted herself but she placed herself and walked miles with Brooke in her buggy. She always told the medics she had a good quality of life although I feel the immune suppressant were not a good thing as she was doing fine on the steroids.
She did what the medical experts said and sadly it didnt go well for her. She would have said the same to me if she saw me weeping. Just go and wash your face Mum and get on with things!! I can hear her say that too.
Kate xxx
Dear Helen, Kate and all,
Such lovely memories if our beautiful children we all have and that is what keeps us going.
I live the thought that we continue to have a relationship with our children even though they are no longer physically with us.
I hope everyone has a good day xxx
Hello Kate
Yes, you’re Lisa sounds a lot like Sam, never complained just got on with it…which is why both would be mad to see us crying in a corner. Victoria, all of us will continue to have a relationship with our children…what is it they say grief is the price we pay for love. As mother’s we will love them all of our lives, they loved us all of theirs, and they continue to do so I know Sam is here with me and will never leave, or at least as he says not for long…I saw Marcus some while back (the pyschic) and he say Sam says he can go travelling wherever he wants now…and the best thing about it he doesn’t have to pay for it…that is exactly what Sam would say and he did love travelling, he travelled all over the World and worked to go on to the next place. That was the first time I saw Marcus, the man is uncanny, and I will go again.
with love
Helen
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Really struggling today x
So sorry to hear this. We do all have terrible days when the struggling feels to hard to cope with. I have to deal with it by keeping myself busy and trying not to think. Not easy I know but someone once said to me that you may be struggling today but tomorrow will be better.
Know that we are all thinking of you and sending you huge hugs xxx
Hope you can find an inner strength. I too felt a bit of a wobble today but fought back and tried not to think back. It’s all too raw to think of what happened.
We are all thinking of you today. You are not alone remember.
Much love, Kate xxx
Thank you kate and victoria had my step daughter over from the states for work trip so she came by last night so lots of tears remember her little sister. I know is 14months passed but i still feel im stuck in this disbelief and how can this have happened to her. Spending and caring for her everyday makes me feel lonely and empty each day. We was one I don’t feel like I can keep being without her like this some days it just gives be sheer panic she’s gone and we can’t talk like we did and share our time together my chest hurts physically each day. Sorry to off load my feelings but i know you guys understand the pain. My world has been thrown up in the air and has fallen in a million pieces that I have No idea how to ever put together any pieces. I Hope you are having a better day today. Sending hugs x
It is physical pain we feel. I also panic when I realise that Lisa is gone forever. In my mind she is just living her daily life with her wee one and partner. Shopping, going to the park, taking Brooke to feed the ducks but then Boom! It hits me like bolt, she isnt doing these things, she is gone. I will love her every day from waking till sleeping but I can never hold her close or stroke her lovely hair. Her smile lit up the room. So happy all the time.
Yes our hearts are truly broken but our memories are within us all the time.
Hold on to the time you had together and the relationship you had with your girl. It’s all we can do my love.
Kate xxx
Thank you I know she had some many health issues from birth but she fought them all she always amazed the doctors and surgeon how she got through everything. She was a star in their eyes and they were all very fond of her. She just had a way that people loved to talk and be around her. She was so bright and clever too I miss out chats. She had another big heart surgery in 2011 which left her with nerve damage which affected her lung more than they were already and she needed oxygen. She was in alot of pain from that time on sometimes spending days in bed and she had a high pain threshold. I hated I couldn’t take her pain and problems away but she got on with it all. Until the Xmas on 2017 when she went on the oxygen and she couldn’t get off it and that’s where things just went down hill. Until she passed in july 2018. I feel we all have this horrible pain we just carry around each day and there are times would do normal things then it hits us. It all seems strange I have this time in the day and can leave the house without making sure she is fine and sorting and giving her meds.
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Matella, what you say is so right, we have been in cornwall for a few days , so sorry for depressed already , as Dawn would be on the phone, wanted to know everything we had done done in Cornwal. That’s what I find so hard , her not being here , when we get home . Lots of love Maddie xx
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Hello Chel,
That feeling of disbelief is all too familiar to everyone on here. Grief is like that it can suddenly hit you, like a wave. Sometimes we can get through the day and then looking back at the day it was passable, but at other times you wonder how you made it to the end of the day. The sheer raw emotion is unbearable, and so yes all of us on here understand your pain. That is why this site is so good it lets you offload that feeling of panic.
With love to you
Helen
Hello Chel66/ I feel so much for you so much for you , as we went through he same thing with our lovely daughter Dawn. she was so strong , , I too feel so lonely without her, and life feels pointless without her. And wish I could have done more to help her. That is what is so hard . I wish I had told her how much we loved her, and done more to help her . Maddie x
So true. This site is so good for us.
Kate xx
Hello Chel, I’m sorry you’re feeling really low. I remember so well how painful the second year was for me (it’s now 4). I read that the second year was worse. During the first year we are sad and in shock, dealing with the change, questioning everything, asking why?, have things to arrange and sort out. When we think nothing could ever be as bad as that, in the second year it is now reality and it hits hard. It is normal to feel this way. I wish I could offer something more optimistic for you and everyone who has to endure this most horrendous loss. Life will never be the same, how could it be without them.
Love to all x
Thank you maddie, bir89c,kate for your kind words. Yes your right about first and second years. I just feel it has got worse the missing and wanting things to go back how they were I’m still confused a little with what really was going on and guilt about this and that if I had done things differently would she still be her. It all seemed to come out of no where. She was such a big character she has leaves a big void in many of our lives. I have No caring role to play which I have done for all of her 25yrs and stayed by her side when in hospital anytime . I know with her many health problems she wouldn’t make it to old age but i thought I would have her much longer than this. I just feel I’ve lost half of me. I guess we all feel lost . I’m not sleeping until early hours in the morning and then waking early and getting up. Dr had put me on pills but they didn’t agree at all with me so havnt taken anything for months. I feel since the year anniversary in july I’ve been thrown backwards.
I can imagine how lost you feel. I know we are only in the 10th week since Lisa’s passing but I think I have said on the site that I miss having to live in Aberdeen for 2 months miss going to the hospital and getting her things on the way in from the M n S within the campus. I miss the walk down the rainbow steps as my granddaughter called them and miss following the Pink zone to ICU. It seems daft really now that we are home and I have bed and breakfast guests , meeting friends and doing normal things but I feel I am I should be in Aberdeen still. Going to sit by her bed and hold her hand. Watching TV together. I want that so much. However, the reality is that she has gone and her remains are in an urn on the window sill in their home. So terribly sad.
Her consultant in Inverness phoned our elder daughter yesterday to see how we all are getting on. He too was so fond of Lisa.
I know it will be a gaping hole for as long as I live and I can see how you feel you have gone backwards. I guess that’s the way it will be for all of us. I hope you can find something to plan and look forward to which might help relieve the pain.
With love and hugs. Kate xx
It’s true,you would not think it was possible, but I am finding the second year more painful than the first…but what frightens me is the years which are lengthening that are separating us from the last time Christian was with us.
With love…Marina xx
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