Hi Victoria and Maddie, I am so thrilled that you have received signs from your loved ones. I know what this means to you and the feeling it gives. It’s so comforting.
Two weeks ago, I felt a puff of air from behind my ear while laying in bed, just as though someone had blown on me. I’m convinced it was my daughter.
I hope we can all continue to feel our precious children close to us.
Love Chris x
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OH Chris ,that must have made you feel a little bit of contentment,Its all we have left , just hoping our loved ones are near Maddie xx
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It was just a couple of seconds but SO real Maddie. As you say, a little bit of contentment x
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Hello All,
I know absolutely that our loved ones never leave our side. When my stepdad was dying (he died in hospital exactly 18 months to the day that Sam passed) he was in a coma. I was sat by his side (my mum couldn’t cope so had left the hospital) and I heard as clear as day, I’ll look after him now mum and at that moment Roy pulled his arm out from under the blanket and stretched it forward and I knew in that moment who was there, I could feel him. When Jason (Sam’s best friend) had a little baby they named him Sam, Jason called me first to tell me, so I took up a little outfit and a blue bear with a tag to say from big Sam to little Sam, that evening when I was sat in my chair I could smell Sam’s aftershave Diesel only the brave, even John my husband could smell it. It was so strong in my front room but nowhere else. So as I mentioned for me there so many signs.
With love
Helen
Helen , you have been so fortunate to feel Sam around you, I envy you so much, I cannot exsplane. When I lost my dad 1973 December9th (Sams anniversary) I wasn’t looking for signs. When mum passed away April 1984 Mothers day I wasn’t looking for signs. But exactly a year later our sterio came on full blassed at midnight, and frightend us to death, my mum was such a quiet person , but the years she spent in hospital, with a bad heart, , she sad shE had seen many spirits walking the hallways… So I live in hope to see my lovely DAWN ,one day Maddie x
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Hi Maddie,
I know and I have been so lucky, but I will never doubt, there has been many a time I say to Sam…"Icant feel you I cant hear you, and then I hear I’m still here…As a mother and son we were so close, when Sam needed a lift he would ring and say "what you doing mum? I would always reply nothing love just sat here (I could be making John’s tea etc) oh could you give me a lift up the pub?..course no worries and I would drop everything and drop him up. We did so much together. He was back home by then living in his flat but couldn’t drive…Mathilda was here then but couldn’t drive so shopping etc everything I did and I am so glad that he asked me, that is why I have so many great memories to sustain me. Having said that, I know when my time comes it will be Sam that will come and get me and I won’t be sorry!!
with love
Helen
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Dear Maddie,
It was lovely to feel like I had a sign from Gemma. Hard to explain but I felt more content. So glad your little robin has been around and so comforting. Much love xxx
Dear Helen, Maddie, Marina, Victoria and all dear friends,
I have not been on the site for a while as we have been at my dear Mother’s bedside at the care home in Kent. Sadly she passed away in the early hours of last Saturday morning. She struggled so much in her last two weeks and it brought back all the awful memories of Daniel when he was suffering so much in the Nettlebed hospice. The flash backs have all started again and the wrenching endless pain of not seeing our boy. My mum was 88 and she had lived a long life travelling the world and having four children plus nine grandchildren so although it is sad she has gone a life was fulfilled. Daniel never had that chance and I find it so hard to understand why. I thought I might feel Daniel in my mother’s last days but sadly I didn’t although maybe that would have been more upsetting. My faith has taken a downward spiral and now my siblings want a Catholic mass with all the trimmings. I feel knocked back to square one in those horrendous weeks when we lost our boy. Sorry for the ranting but it is easier to express feelings here. Sending you love Wynne
I am so sad for you. I don’t have any faith and nor do my children. Lisa was very much a ‘you live you die’ sort of a person and Jemma the same.
We had a non religious funeral with music she loved and music chosen by ourselves. A non religious poem and the eulogy. It’s what she would have wanted. However some members of our family did not understand it was a celebration of a live well lived. They were horrified it wasnt religious. Anyway, my own view is that our beautiful girl is alive in everyday things and places. I imagine her sitting next to me in the car. Sitting across from me in a cafe, chatting away happily about what she would make for her little family for dinner or what new clothes she was planning buying for Brooke. She was always so happy and never worried about tomorrow nor dwelled on the past. Our Jemma summed it up, Lisa in her shortened life taught us all how to live! She did too and that’s what’s helping me deal with losing her. She lived completely, she loved completely and did everything in her life to the very best of her ability. What an inspirational human being. This is my faith. My faith in her way of living.
Love to you all dear friends.
Kate xx
Dear Wynne…I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Mother,but like you say she had a long and wonderful life…Yes,it’s bound to have brought back all the memories of Daniel’s last few months,my heart goes out to you, to live it once is horrendous but to have to live all those memories over for a second time must be unbearable…
Stay as strong as you can,remember that all of us on this site are thinking of you .
I wish I could give you a big hug,but you have my love and thoughts…Marina xxxx
Dear Wynne,
I am so sorry to hear about your mum and the thought that you are having to relive such difficult memories .
I do have a faith and it definitely took a knock after losing Gemma. But gradually I feel as though it is returning and that is how faith is … there are times when we doubt or even lose it completely for a while.
I would say ‘be patient with yourself and I am sure your faith will return.
Much love xxx
Hello Wynne,
I can only reiterate what Marina has just said, she had a long and fulfilled life. I know exactly how you feel as Roy (my stepdad) died on the 9th June exactly 18 months after Sam, and I was absolutely terrified of having to go through another funeral in the same place. Luckily I was spared that but all the same is does bring it all back and you feel back at square one. All I can say Wynne, is that everybody on this site is here for you and you can rant and rave as much as you need. All I can send is my love to you.
with love
Helen
Dear Wynne
I’m so sorry you that you are having such a dreadful time.
To have to relive such painful events is so very stressful for you.
Thinking of you. Xx
Dear all, I hope you are all having an easier day than you expected.
Myself I have been doing ok. Just the occasional blip like yesterday when phoning the AA to cancel Lisa’s vehicle from my family breakdown cover. I was fine till I had to say why I was taking her off the cover. The girl at the AA was very sweet and waited till I could actually speak and was so kind.
Anyway, I have just been reading an article about Anticipatory grief and it explained to me why I am not as bad as people expect me to be. It says that the grief before the death can be so intense that when a death actually happens then the person left behind can recover from grief more quickly.
I know that when I saw my daughter for the first time the day after she had arrived in ICU in Aberdeen and had been put on ECMO, I was so shocked that I could barely walk out of the hospital. That image is more intense than the moment she passed. I was grieving from that moment really and although there had been times when there seemed to be hope, those were soon dashed and I knew in my heart that we would lose her. I knew the whole 8 weeks in Aberdeen that she would not be coming back to their little home. I had been there a few times when I had an overnight at home and I could feel she had gone from there for good. I remember going to start her car and feeling ‘oh my god, she is never going to drive this again’ and trying so hard to push that thought away but i couldn’t. I just knew with every sense in my body that she would be leaving us.
So i guess i had been grieving from day 1 of the 54 days she was on ECMO.
This article explained a lot to me.
I wonder have any of you felt the same?
Much love to you all dear friends.
Kate xx
Hello Lisa
Thank you for explaining that, Sam came home in November 2012 to tell me he had been diagnosed with a brain tumour and although over the 31/2 years I seem to be realising gradually that maybe just maybe he would make it, I had worried all that time and lived on my nerves. Then in the August of 2016 he said that it had come back my world fell apart and although he was still going out and still doing all he wanted to do inside I was crumbling, and he got worse by the November. He had difficulty walking down the stairs but still kept going and every now and then he would stumble, I knew. By November 28th when he had his final MRI scan I couldn’t face going in so I took Sam for a coffee and John my husband and Geraint his brother went in to see the Consultant who said it would be a matter of days. He died on Friday the 9th December but the 2 days before he was absolutely brilliant walking and talking normally, then Thursday morning he woke and was sick everywhere and I knew. It is a terrible thing to say but he passed quickly into a coma but said to me love you too after I had said I love you Sam which I always did. I am glad he passed quickly as the other way the Consultant said could happen was he would be locked in his own body unable to move speak see or hear, and I know Sam would hate that.
Perhaps like you I grieved all that time, yet even now the tears will flow
with love
Helen
Sam’s Mum, I know that terror so well too. First finding out she had an incurable lung condition at 25 weeks pregnant. Luckily both Mum and baby were just fine and she was great till her 2nd lung collapse in March 2017. She seemed to bounce back from that but I was always sick with worry about her. On that fateful morning when they had flown back from holiday when she messaged me she even said she was so sorry to do this to me but she wasnt well and could I go and take her to hospital so Jamie could get the hire car back to Aberdeen. I knew then she needed an ambulance and said that so she called one.
Even seeing her in Perth hospital my heart missed beat as something inside me said this was the beginning of the end. Even when Jamie and Jemma were saying how well she was doing when in Aberdeen, I just wanted to say 'don’t you understand, she is not coming out of this.
I suppose it’s a mothers instinct.
Nowhere to go nowhere to run we just hold the fear inside not wanting to let it out.
My love to you. We will all get stronger one day.
Kate xxxx
Thank you all for sharing your experiences regarding your anticipatory grief.
I think that explains some of my feelings regarding losing my daughter. Although when she died it was not expected at that time we had had many many times in her life when it was touch and go.
Is there a link to the article Lisa’s mum? I would be interested to read if so. Thanks.
Hugs to you all. Keep going. X
Hello Helen, Lisa , and all.
I can relate to both of you , Dawn had been bad most of 2016, but when she did come out of hospital in july , ( infact she signed herself out ) as it was her birthday , and she said there was no way she was going to spend it in hospital, and she did seem a lot better, although she could not walk , and they and found her a lovely adapted flat and she was excited. She looked so well for a couple of months, then we used to visit her and she said she could not eat, and could not get comfortable, although her husband bought her a special chair. By November she was sick all the time, and could not eat a thing, she sat in her wheel chair with her head down My husband was convinced her organs were shutting down as she was eating a thing. I was so pleased when the doctor admitted her, but so shocked when we went in to visit her and she was in ITU . but thought at least they would sort her out . Then was given the devastating news after 5 days that do not hold out much hope . she went into a deep coma the next day and never came out. We all did so much crying in the next 4 days , that when I saw her take her last breath on that awful Sunday morning , I felt this calm come over me , we drove home at 3 30am and never cried. But next morning it hit mE , and have not stopped crying in the last nearly 3 years. I miss her more and more each day. Time does not heal . (Helen saw the medium on sat , and had absolutely nothing ) The anniversary will be coming up soon so trying to get away for a couple of days , last year spent it in hospital with a gall bladder op that went wrong. Love Maddie xx
I looked it up on Google. I was looking for reasons as to why I felt that way and how I feel now if you get me.
I will try and copy and paste the article but if it doesn’t work I will give the name of the site.
Kate xxxx
It’s on the Samaritons website. Just type in Anticapatory grief and it’s the first that comes up.
Explains a lot really. Xxx