New to the forum. Trying to make sense of life so thought i would share my experiences in the hope it might help other struggling with bereavement.
Last month i lost my wonderful partner. She had pulmonary fibrosis so I knew that at some stage I would maybe have to deal with the grief of losing her. Just didnt expect it to be so sudden and imagined we still had many happy years to spend together. Instead she went into hospital with what we thought was just another chest infection but never came home. I watched her go rapidly downhill over a ten day period and the look of fear in her eyes will haunt me forever.
Ann was a wonderful woman with a huge heart and welcomed me into her life at a time when I had previously struggled for three years after losing my wife of 33 years also to illness.
You would think that having gone through this before it would be easier to deal with the grief but thats not the case. I’m struggling to do just the normal everyday things.
I think a big part of the problem is how family and friends just seem to disappear. Plenty of support at the outset but they stop calling or messaging one by one. Just like the first time.
From experience what i would say to anyone struggling with the loss of a partner is that whilst you never really get over it (why would you want to anyway) you will learn how to move forward with your life. There will be days when you feel almost normal but the next day you are back to square one again. Thankfully those days happen less often.
Taking time out of your own grieving to support and comfort others shows your strength of character. I’m so sorry this is your 2nd experience of losing a loved partner. I think grief is relevant to the person you are grieving for so even though you have experienced it before, it’s also very individual and personal to that relationship you had with that person.
I hope you eventually find peace with all this grief you are having to deal with, it’s a horrible journey and I think we all wonder why me? But double the blow is mind-blowing.
Take care
Lyn x
I think death challenges us to become better people. If you think for a minute about our loved one’s who have passed there is no doubt they are now at peace. No stress, no worries, no more illness, no more troubles. We should be relieved they are no longer having to face all the issues that life brings. Death releases them but ties us up in all kinds of emotions to do with OUR attachments, our wants, our needs, our loneliness and the list goes on but learning to let go and only allowing the love to flow and our bond to continue beyond death is the greatest challenge we face. We are all still here for a reason and we need to follow our path until we are released. Everyone has to die so death shows us how to live until our time comes
@Colmar
3 months on this journey of grief and I’m glad to hear that there is, in time, a way to move forward.
I’m so sorry that you’ve learned to live with one loss only to be hit by yet another.
Just because you have been through one loss doesn’t mean this loss will be any easier to deal with. The length of time anyone has with a partner will not change the pain we feel. The loss of a partner is huge and I struggle most days but equally have some good days too.
Unfortunately life goes on and our losses don’t impact friends and family the same way it impacts us. It’s a different love for a partner and our loss is unique to us.
I know it’s painful but thank you for the positivity in your message too.
Thanks @Ali29, I am trying to push through it with some positivity, don’t always manage it but that is my aim now. Life is so precious and I’m still breathing so have to find my new path now, Jim will always be part of my past, present and future in many ways and I will carry that love forwards in all that I do x
@Sarlyn
Yes me too. Don’t succeed every day but I need to live that’s the only way I can do this otherwise there will be no point. My Rich would want that for me too x
I cannot envisage what you are going through…I lost my wife of 48 years 3 month ago…I will never go through this again …it is inconceivable that you are having to do it twice…I so feel for you and appreciate your support…wish I could give you more…
@Ali29 makes a very important point abour the loss of a partner. You are right thats its very different. Im the second youngest in a family of 13 children and 71 years old now so as you might expect I have lost both parents and some of my older brothers and sisters at different stages of my life… You would think that i’d be conditioned to it now but thats not the case. I have felt the loss of a partner much more difficult to deal with. Its a different love and so is the loss.
@UnityMan those words are enough in themselves. I can appreciate what you are going through at the moment. As hard as it is please bear with it. You must have some wonderful memories.
@Sarlyn
What an amazing post. Very uplifting and insightful. I know Richard is at peace so, as you rightly say, it is down to me to learn to carry my love for him forwards in my life from now onwards.
Thank you
xxx
I feel so lucky to have friends on the website walking the same path. I have taken great comfort from everything that has been said. Thank you. Sending love and peace to all of us as we go through this unwanted journey x
@Colmar1 I am so sorry you are having to go through this devastating experience again. The loss of your partner is so hard. I am finding it so difficult. Thank you for some positive words. Thinking of you
Hi there, first of all my deepest condolences for the sad loss of your partner.
Although I’m a member here my loss is different. I’m grieving for the loss of our future life as my husband also has pulmonary fibrosis and is sadly deteriorating. It’s heartbreaking watching him disappear bit by bit, day by day.
This devastating disease is cruel and takes no prisoners. kind regards Sue
@Suebuzz sorry to hear that. Your right about it being a horrible illness and the deterioration may not be remarkably noticable. Its often just subtle differences that can sometimes go unnoticed. Funnily enough a month or so before Ann passed we had been to a specialist unit at Papworth and they recommended she be placed on a relatively new anti fibrotic drug which was only apporoved ny NICE a year or so ago. Sadly, she never got the chance to start on it. Its not a cure but theres good evidence that it slows down the progression of fibrosis.
@Suebuzz in case your not aware of the drug i was referring to it called nintenadib and if your doctors havnt mentioned it then maybe ask them the question.
Thank you for your kind response. Pete has been on Nintedanib which sadly didn’t work and is now trying the other one which is Perfenidone. The consultant did say it’s unlikely to work but because he was just on the threshold for Lung Function they had to offer it. Horrendous side effects as did the Nintedanib. Just so unfair isn’t it.
He’s been diagnosed 18 months ago and as a nurse, I know things are not good. We are getting good care and have a brilliant palliative team here in Norfolk.
@Suebuzz sorry to hear its that advanced and that they already tried nintenadib. Ann managed 4 years after being diagnised with interstitial lung disease and every day was precious. She was on medication which made her immuno supressed so we both had to hide away during covid. We were always having to guard against chest infections but during covid she was as healthy as she’d had been for a long time for that very reason. I
remember we went to a support meeting about three years ago and were told that research into this area of medicine is probably the least well financed and supported. Im guessing there’s no money in it for the pharmas. Hold your man tight while you have him.
