Lost both parents

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in August 2017 he was admitted to hospital in November 2017. It was only me my mum and my brother and because my mum was in a wheelchair due to a stroke me and my brother took turns each taking my mum up to the hospital.
On Friday 24th November my mum wasn’t feeling great so I went alone. My dad passed while I was there with him. We knew he was really unwell but it was still a shock because it was really quick. We had tried to bring him home as that was all he kept asking, and the hospital had arranged a bed for him in his house but then the hospital said he was too unwell to be moved.

In August 2019 my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer and I gave up my job in care to look after her. We got a wee bit longer with her and she passed on 4th July 2020. My mum was at home by that time and I had came home to my own house to pick up some things and see my family while my mums neighbour and friend was with her. 2 hours later I got a phone call from the neighbour to tell me she had died. She had just stopped breathing.
As it was 2020 we were still in lockdown so only 20 people could attend her funeral. I still have family who don’t speak to me because they weren’t invited.

I had to go through the whole clearing and selling her house which I hated. My house is full of her stuff that I can’t part with.

I know it has been 2 years since then but I still carry a horrible guilt that I wasn’t there when she passed because I promised her I would stay with her. I also carry the guilt of not being able to bring dad home too because he hated being in hospital and didn’t want to die there.
I did go back to work in care but couldn’t cope as most people I looked after were unwell.

I still think about them everyday and because I was really close to them I feel there is a big empty hole in my life.

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents, @Shar2314. Two years is not a long time in grieving and I think many of our members will identify with how you’re feeling right now. It sounds like things were particularly difficult and complicated due to Covid, which was outside your control.

We have a few members who have sadly experienced the death of both of their parents. I wanted to link you to this thread Both parents where you may find people who understand some of what you’re going through.

Do you think it could be helpful to have some space to explore your feelings? We offer free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat with trained bereavement counsellors. You can click on the link to find out more.

Keep reaching out - you are not alone.