No not been able to sort anything out yet. As dad had been so well lately he hadn’t visited his doctor for over 4 months so the coroner has requested a postmortem. This we have been told will not take place until the end of the week. We have been trying to write down songs, poems and hymns that we think dad would like which has helped. Massive rolling stones fan so we have picked wild horses as one. Also a poem death is nothing at all which pretty much sums up how we feel x
Hi Sam
Also 6 months in for me.
We are all about the same age here on this thread. My dad passed similar to yours, except it was the middle of the night so no one was around to administer cpr.
I just wanted to add that I also was not eating, until another friend notified me that their friend was in the hospital for not eating while grieving. So whenever I could force myself, I would eat double or tripple because I knew I wouldnt eat again. 5 eggs for example instead of 2, 3 bowls of sugary cereal for the calories instead of 1. It was hard to do but its important. Your family needs you. Please know that eventually the flashbacks do diminish. Be kind to yourself.
Ell
Sam,
Both my mum and dad had post mortems. The thought of them is very upsetting but I’m pleased they were done because I learnt that my dad had a massive heart attack and wouldn’t have suffered.
With my mum she had just had surgery and the coroner wanted to know if they could attribute any blame to the surgeon or hospital. The PM concluded that my mum had suffered a spontaneous brain bleed which would have happened if mum had been at home. I also found that mum had advanced heart disease of which we knew nothing.
I was lucky enough to get answers so hopefully you will also learn more about your dads health which could bring comfort in time to come.
What I have accepted is that mum was heading for a heart attack or a stroke at home and this would most likely have happened in front of my daughter or I which we would never have got over.
I like your choice of music for your dad. We chose lively music for my mums funeral. It was sad enough without choosing melancholy music. Mum went out on a high x
So sad hearing everyone’s stories. Finding some comfort that we are all in similar situations. I’m glad I decided to join. Thanks everyone x
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Sam it’s early days. You are now on a roller coaster. Each day is different. It gets worse before it starts to feel a tiny bit better. Then it feels worse again. It’s been 4 months for me. I still think mum is at home with dad. O still send her text messages and wait for the reply. I still can’t believe she isn’t here in this world anymore. But we are all here. Grief is a lonely brutal road. But this group has saved me from completely losing my mind. Try and get some rest and a little bit of food if you can. X
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My mum had Queen at her funeral. Not the actual band they were busy. Just the music. They were her very favourites. And ELO. I like to think she s dancing with Freddie Mercury now
I certainly hope she is x
Great choice of music jooles. The problem is that I wouldn’t have been able to listen to those bands again if they had been played at mums funeral.
Mum had a Glenn Miller number, an elvis song and the jungle book. It did make people smile. I dont often allow myself to think about the funeral.its too painful so it’s out of my mind x
I had a couple of tracks from the Rough Island Band. They are locals from the same place mum loved to go on holiday and their music is inspired by the location. I fear I have tainted a couple of really good tracks as they are both poignant and will forever more remind me of mum. While she was on holiday, she bought their latest album but sadly the disc remains in its wrapper and never played by her. I had a bit of a relapse tonight and sat pondering about the funeral and the whole flipping can’t believe she is gone thing hits all over again. Thought I was past all that but no chance. I was also pondering time itself and how horrible it can be. For some stupid reason I was thinking about what I’d be doing in 20 years time and wondering if I’d be looking back to now and recalling memories and wondering how I’d feel about them. I’m wondering if the next 20 years will pass as fast as the last. Sheesh, too much contemplating of life tonight!
Sam, I’m sorry you are now on this horrible roller coaster ride of hell. You won’t believe me when I say it’ll get better. I’m still struggling to believe it myself. It’s not just a roller coaster ride, it’s also a yo-yo things as well.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that things have been sucked out of everything you used to love. The guilt thing is horrible too, I had so much guilt about so many things, it has faded a bit now for which I am so grateful. My eating went the other way, I ended up eating a lot of crap for which I now have to deal with and get rid of the weight I’ve gained. I shouldn’t have let myself go so much but then at the time, my own body didn’t seem important to look after.
You shouldn’t feel you need to help us and you are actually a great help as we get to express ourselves more in these forums. I got a lot of support when I first joined up and it was great to simply dump all my feelings out in the open. Just knowing others were reading my story and empathising was a huge help to me. None of us can take away your pain but we can listen and talk and that hopefully will help us all along the long road ahead.
Hi everyone, I’m sorry if I have brought back some not so good memories for you. The music made we smile and cry at the same time just thinking of dad rocking in out in the kitchen. You might not think this was a good idea but me and mom actually played dad’s new CDs which we had brought him for Christmas and put them on Christmas morning knowing how much he would have loved it. Hopefully one day these songs chosen will make us smile with great memories not sorrow. That’s what I’m hoping anyway x
Oh and Shaun, not that I know what I’m talking about yet but maybe open that cd that your mom brought and play it. There could be a message on there or a piece of music your mom would have liked. Maybe it wiould make a newer connection back to your mom. Sorry if I’m suggesting stuff I know I’m in the early days but just following my heart with everything at the moment. Painful yes but important I feel x
Sam you do what’s right for you. You will find in the early days you will surround yourself with photos and their music. But Then weirdly I found a few months down the line too painful. I can’t look at photos of my mum. And I can’t listen to her favourite music. But I could in the beginning. Not sure if others have found that?
I’ve been through all his tablet looking at what he was watching and listening to some music that I didn’t even know he liked which made me feel close. Reread multiple times all our text messages to each other. Bitter sweet x
Yeah I did that too. Very surreal looking at what they had been doing just before they died. Mum had written on her calendar the dates of her next holiday. Take it easy Sam. It’s really hard. But you are not alone. We are all here feeling the same.
Oh no, not the messages. I did that with mum’s phone and looked at her whatsapp chats with my dad and me. It killed me to read it. After all, this is someone who was not expecting to die. This was someone making plans and living their life. So unfair. I’ve kept the messages but I’m not reading them again right now, too painful.
I will open the CD at some point, just need to feel ready for it. I don’t mind suggestions, I’ll embrace all ideas, whether I follow them through is another thing. I’m holding onto the idea that one day, the memories and music will go from painful to happy.
Jooles, my mum used to write on her calendar too and kept a countdown written on it, she loved looking forward to her next holiday. She bought a calendar on holiday in August for 2020 which should have been going up in her house with the dates of her next holiday with us. I’m going to put it up now and do the same with the countdown.
Shaun you know you count the days and weeks since your mom died. Well I go over and over the text messages. Every day. Counting them. I inspect every little detail. Beat myself up if I had forgot to respond to a text. Or if I didn’t call when I said I would. Not often but there were times I did that. My mum hated the phone so she never ever called me. It was always me calling her. That used to drive me nuts sometimes always being the instigator. Now it doesn’t matter.
Yes I’ve been through dad’s calender and work diary’s we’ve even had a mention or 2. Like they’re out tonight peace and quiet!! My dad was such a good sense of humour That’s a lovely idea about the calender you should definitely do it that would be something nice to keep her ways alive x
I used to send my mum lovely cards for her birthday. This year I sent a joke one. I think why oh why didn’t I send her a beautifully worded one. It was a Queen card with Freddie Mercury on it singing “Mammmaaaa”. I did write in it love you lots. But how I wish I had said more.
Arghhhh
Jooles
Years ago I bought a birthday card for my mum. It had a picture of a horse on it and it said ‘Flash the wonder horse is going to wish you a happy birthday by tapping out your age with his hooves’
On the inside of the card Flash was laying flat out on the floor and the card said ‘oh dear flash appears to have collapsed with exhaustion!’
My mum and I laughed so much. After she died I was going through her bedside cabinet and I came across the same card but a brand new one.
It’s my birthday in a few weeks and I’m guessing that mum was going to give it to me. She would have been looking forward to that.
It absolutely breaks my heart. I’m dreading today so much, almost more than xmas.
My partner just dropped me at the train station and I’m going to work. He said I will send you a happy new year message.
I just looked at him , said ‘are you for real?’ and stormed onto my train.
Things are going well…
Io My mum did say she loved the card. I said “mum it did make me laugh”. She said me too. I guess laughter is love too
Oh Cheryl. Bless her buying your card in advance like that. She must have seen it in the shop and thought ah”!!!
Just pretend it’s another normal day at work and smack anyone in the face who wishes you a happy new year. I’ve already had 3 text messages this morning wishing me it. X